Lost My Sister 3 Months Ago

[Cali3]

Hi,

This is my first post here, after reading through several of your posts. This seems to be a caring friendly place, and I'm suddenly having a very hard time in my grief after doing pretty good for a while. I cried in church and at work recently, and my co-workers clearly think I should be past this crying, even though this is the first time I have cried at work (that anyone saw me!).

My 39 yr old sister died totally unexpectedly of a heart attack in November. Our family has accepted her death, and we are emotionally strong, but grief of a young person is so completely different than grief of an older person who lived a full life.

I'm having a hard time with other people who have not experienced the death of a younger person, and who truly believe that the death of their 85 year old parent or 90 year old grandparent is exactly the same as your grief. I have experienced the death of elderly grandparents and an elderly in-law. While any death is obviously a loss and no matter hold old or sick they are, you miss them. But a younger person was still such an active part in your life, and they did NOT get to live a full life. They are the one you went to for support, fun, give-and-take of regular every day life, and the impact of their death is much more magnified. Sometimes it makes me angry, but then I remember how I was before this happened to me. We just forget about other people's grief so quickly. We remember that a person special to them has died, but we just expect them to move on fairly quickly and "accept" what has happened. Accepting death has a totally new meaning for me, now that I'm on the other side. I have accepted that she is gone, but I just MISS her so badly. I wish every single day that we could go back in time and prevent this, but we can't. I wish every single day I'd wake up from this awful dream and be able to talk to her and touch her again, but I can't. I can't bear the thought of having another family picture taken because the whole family can never be together again. I don't want any more family Christmas gatherings because it's just not right.

Sorry, I've been crying so much again lately, and I just feel like such a mess! Thanks for reading my story!

[Guest Nicholas]

My aunt - who lost two of her three children - recently told me, when I asked her what I should do (my only son died in December aged just 43), is "cry for him, cry for yourself". Far, far better to let the tears flow than bottle them up inside. I seem to cry all the time, so please don't feel you are alone or acting unnaturally. Anyone who doesn't understand you, that is their problem.

Good luck

Nicholas

[niamh]

hi Cali3,

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister, there really are no words of comfort, I wish there were.

It is hard when others are not as caring and understanding as we need them to be, while people mean well there are times when they can hurt so much with that they say or don't say.

You have every right to feel angry, there is nothing wrong with that, why would you not feel angry because of this ? You're so right, people do forget quickley yet it's staring us in the face every minute of everyday. I find sometimes people will remember the bigger things like birthdays, they will remember you at Christmas and other major times, but what about the missing emails, missing phonecalls, missing lunchdates, the missing laugh ......all these small things but they are significant but we are the only ones to remember that it's not just all about the major holidays. We miss them all the time, there are reminders in everything we do everyday, not just a sudden reminder on a birthday.

I still wish everyday I could wake from this nighmare, am not sure I will ever feel any different, I want my Dad back end of story, I will never stop wanting that.

I hear you on the Christmas gatherings, it was my fav time of year and now I want to bypass it so much because it's just torture, actually torture might be easier to bear.

Allow yourself to feel whatever Cali, cry when you want and know that it's all normal, there is nothing wrong with you, you're sister is gone, it's not something that you just suddenly move on from, you're still trying to process this, how does one process it properly. Feeling like a mess is normal so just be so kind and gentle with yourself. I hope that from reading here you might find some tiny sense of comfort just knowing that others can relate to some of what you are feeling and going through. Nobody will ever know exactly how you feel, each of our grief is unique just like our relationship was, but sometimes when someone can just say yeah I hear you, I get that can "help" you feel not so crazy after all and not the one and only person in the world feeling like you do.

again, no words of comfort, the just don't exist, but sending you a big (((cyber hug))),

Niamh

[Cali3]

Thank you for your kind replies Nicholas and Niamh. It seems my whole life has been preparing me for this horrible time in my life. I used to be a very emotionally weak person, but situations and events in my life have "toughened" me up. For this I'm grateful, because I don't know how I would have gotten to this point in my grief otherwise. Our family is pretty close, but yet when we get together since her death I would love for us all to just cry together and acknowledge how awful it is that she's not there with us. But what happens instead is we talk and laugh - including about her - but no one wants to be the weak link to get everyone else bawling, so we all just pretend we are OK and we are clearly not. I had such a hard time at Christmas (only 6 weeks after she died), and even though I'm sure everyone else was feeling it too, they were bound and determined we were going to enjoy it and not talk about her or cry. I had to leave the room to cry at one point because they just weren't going to go there -- I tried to bring her up multiple times, but they just wouldn't do it, and we honestly are not an avoidance type of family. We pretty much say it like it is - not always good - but I think this is just such an unexpected and horrible thing in our lives that it's just they way they are dealing with it. Again, thank you for your kind words, it is helpful to hear it from someone else who has actually experienced it too - we're all in this together!

[nat]

Hi Cali, I am really sorry about your sister. I also lost my younger brother a year ago, he was just 24 years old and he also died unexpectedly. I don’t want to say that I do understand you, but in some ways I do relate with what you are saying, my brother was doing his OE planning to go in a trip to Asia, he was full of plans, he was healthy and happy and suddenly he was gone. I cannot measure the pain of losing someone you love, I lost my father when I was a child and recently my grandma, all different experiences, because of the time and circumstances. I miss them all, but my brother was supposed to grow older with me, he was supposed to be the cool and funny uncle of the kids one day I will have, I was supposed to go to his graduation, we were supposed to get mum angry or just laugh at her latest occurrences, we were supposed to make fun of our sister, they were supposed to complot against me, the eldest one. I think it hurts different because my brother has share my life in a more honest and sincere relationship, that relationship that will allow us to hate and love each other in a matter of seconds. And in some way we are born with the feeling that a brother or sister is going to be there with us to share our lives, because that is was its expected. But I saw my brother in a casket at his early 24, that was not supposed to happen; I saw my mum with her heart broken, and my sister crying over the little one of the family. That was not supposed to happen, but what is and what is not supposed to happen? I know now that nothing is what we think it should be, life has showed me that there is nothing I should give for granted and that there is not a supposed life I have to live.

What people says, what people thinks about how I am dealing with this, well, that is up to them; they are the ones that are still believing that life is supposed to be in a way, what is called ‘normal’. I was like that, and I also forgot about other people’s pain, I wish we could all be aware that everybody has his/her owns ways to walk in this life and respect them, that is the only thing I would like: respect and acknowledgement of the moment I am going through. I don’t want sympathy, nor comfort or understanding from people that cannot feel what I am feeling, because they are not me, because every grief is different and because we are all different. I believe this is a path we have to walk alone because at the end the pain is inside us and we have to learn to be able to feel it, to live with it; I am just trying now to make peace with my grief and being capable to cry alone, with my husband, with a friend, with my mum, with my sister; and feel that there is respect, that I respect my pain and grief, and that they do It as well.

I send you then the only thing I can give you, my respect and my acknowledgment and peace.

[Cali3]

Nat,

Thank you so very much - that is EXACTLY what I'm feeling! When I'm down I certainly am not looking for sympathy or for someone to take it away, but acknowledgement is such a powerful thing and does wonders for the grief in the moment. I think people who have not experienced it are just feeling awkward and have no idea what to say or do, so it comes off as appearing uncaring or whatever at times. I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother also, and I hope the next year is easier and more peaceful for you than the past one has been. Thank you again, you made my day!

[Cali3]

I just wanted to add that I am so sorry for your losses also, Nicholas and Niamh. I hope that you are both having a peaceful day, and again thank you for taking the time to reach out to me when I was feeling so low. Today is a much better day for me

[niamh]

Glad to hear you had a better day, you are more than welcome.

I think it can be real tough sometimes to get support from family when we lose someone simply because everyone is trying to deal with it and sometimes people can be at opposite ends of the spectrum when dealing with it so while you need and want to cry with your family together, maybe some of them need to be able to do that alone .......so it makes it hard.

You were right to leave the room and have your cry, I always think it's important to do whatever you need for yourself when trying to cope with this.

Sometimes with family I feel like it's this big pink elephant in the room but nobody mentions it. I think it's good that you acknowledge that this is their way too of dealing with it, just sucks really that it can't be the "same" way you need.

Yep, we are all in this together and know that we are always here whenever you feel up to writing, venting. None of us knows exactly how the other feels but just being able to relate I find gives me some tiny sense of not being as alone in the world as I sometimes feel.

((hugs)) Cali,

Niamh

[Cali3]

Thank you, Niamh, you are very kind! It's funny that you used the words "pink elephant in the room," because I have had that very thought myself when I'm with family.

[eddie Dombroski]

Cali3, First off i want to express my deepest sympathy for you loss. Like you i recently lost my sister (1-13-11) she was 41. We were extremely close and she had battled breast cancer for the better part of 4 years. The cancer spread to her bones, then to her liver. The end days were the hardest, the pain she endured, watching her slowly slip away, etc. She finally passed away while holding my hand and my Fathers hand. Many people have said, "what a blessing, that you were there in the end, etc etc." Well to be honest, it's a mixed bag. I have had a very hard time with the imagery, and I wake up in cold sweats, crying, and STILL cant believe she is gone. She left her 10 year old son, a husband, and both my parents behind, and we are all DEVASTATED. There are no words that can describe the emptiness i feel right now. Just looking at a picture reduces me to a sobbing mess. People mean well, but I agree, the loss of a 90 year old grandparent can not even be considered remotely close to this. My girl has recommended counseling for me, but I just have not been able to take that step yet, so finding this forum may be the actual first step in my healing process. What hurts the most is I found out that i was going to be a father on the day of her wake. My sister had always wanted me to settle down and start a family. Now, i have not been able to embrace the joy that I would normally be feeling. She will never be there like I was when her son was born, and i just cant wrap my head around that reality. March 1st (2morr) would have been her 42nd birthday , I am preparing for the WHOLLLLE year of firsts without her, and quite frankly, I am not ready. I dont know if i ever will be the same, i just hope in time i can find some kind of peace with it. My father breaks down every time I see him, and its like we are all living in some horrible nightmare we cant wake from. He too has been having trouble sleeping, just cant shake the visions of giving her morphine for pain, and watching her slip away from us. The one thing that i can say is im glad she was home and not in some crummy hospital. However every time i go to my parents house, Its hard to sit in the room where she passed without that feeling of dread. Well i guess i have kind of rambled on here, but i want you to know that you are not alone, and hopefully things will get better for both of us soon. I wish you all the best and may the memories of our sisters be ones of love and happiness.

[Cali3]

Eddie,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I'm also so sorry I didn't say that to you in my other post to you. We lost my sister very suddenly and didn't get to say goodbye which was devastating to us, but after reading your message I can see that the heart-wrenching pain of having to watch your loved one suffer is so unbelievably painful to have to recover from. I honestly hope by posting and reading other people's stories here that you will find some peace, and be able to start living once again for yourself and your new family to be. I am so glad that you are actually able to cry and communicate with other people, even if it is only here on a discussion forum. I tried to connect with a male co-worker who lost his sister years ago in an accident, and I believe that he shut down on the topic shortly after she died. He never even acknowledged to me the loss of my sister (ever, and I get along with him!) and when I tried to ask him how he copes/d with it, he asked me what I was talking about! I think it is so much healthier to grieve and talk and acknowledge that this terrible thing has happened and how you are feeling about it.

Try to be strong and don't allow despair to take over your life. It is NOT a sign that you are over her and life goes on like it doesn't matter. She wants you to continue to live your life (and by that I mean by doing whatever day to day stuff you have always done) and to have enjoyment again when you are ready. She KNOWS that you love her more than anything and would do anything to bring her back. Your new baby was meant to come along at this time to help you to get back to living your life. Everything does happen for a reason, and I'm not an overly "religious" person, but I am a spiritual person (I believe in God, angels and the afterlife). We had an amazing feeling of peace in the emergency room after she died - I believe that came from God and my sister.

One of the hardest things I have come to realize is that every member of my family is grieving in their own way and none of us seem to be in the same place at the same time. There is a husband, parents and siblings left behind (no children of hers, but there are in-laws and nieces and nephews). There are days I have NOTHING to give, no matter how sad another family member is or needs me. We recently had a family gathering and even though we were able to laugh and joke around and even talk about my sister, I would have done anything for us all to just break down and cry together again and openly acknowledge how awful this is and how it has changed our family, but everyone else was working so hard to hold it together and not go there. It all takes time and every person grieves in their own way. Acceptance of a death is on so many levels.

Here's a biggie - do you believe in the afterlife? My sister came to my other sister and I the morning after she died - and that was a HUGE moment for me. I was completely beside myself and don't think my radio was on. Suddenly very loudly the song "I can see clearly now" began to play on the radio. I instantly knew it was from her and I just sobbed with relief that she came to me in this way - music is very important to me and she knew that. Later my other sister told me what happened to her that morning also. I'm bawling now, typing this. There are some awesome books on the afterlife and communicating with our loved ones, if that would be helpful to you. I personally love the book Embraced by the Light by Betty J. Eadie (but not the sequel to it). I talk to my sister constantly and keep asking her to communicate with me again - I honestly believe she will one day.

I know you are hurting so badly, and I hope some of this was helpful to you. Take care.

[hello123]

Cali3, I'm so sorry for your loss! I had to comment because when I read what you guys write it's stuff I always say but nobody understands. First you said about the difference between old people dying and that's how I feel everybody who loses a parent is usually old and you feel sorry for them but I envy them more cuz they had extra time, Eddie I'm so sorry for your nephew its such a young age, my brothers 7 and having one parent at that age is just so unfair. Also about the upcoming events not looking forward to anything, I'm supposed to be graduating this year but I don't want to go and see everyone there having a happy day with their parents when I know it'll be sad for us and the person who would be most excited by it would be my dad! AND when you say about how everyone sits around and you want everyone to cry I second that!!! When it was one year a little while ago my family came over and were laughing/joking acting like it was a normal day but I just wanted everyone to watch videos of him and cry together we never do that and I hate it!!!!!!!!! When I cried the other day my mum was like "whats wrong"!!!

I'm so glad that you have the afterlife thing, thats such a big comfort, some days I believe it some days I feel like I cant without proof, I have had dreams of my dad and sometimes it makes me think. I wish more than anything that it is true and have also been researching into it and sometimes come across things which are really comforting.

[Lowriann]

Hello

I am a true Welsh 74yr old and its akward for me to type in English, but here goes. I am sad as my eldest sister Ann died this March 25 age 75 would have been 76 three days later. We were together for 11 yrs including the war yrs before our other two siblings came along Jean & Ceinwen. There were hard times then for us both, But we both later got married and went our seperate ways. We were often on the phone but I missed her company and now the chain is broken she is not there anymore. It came as a shock when she passesd away suddenly in her favorite chair.

[hello123]

Hello Lowriann, I'm so sorry for your loss. Welcome to the website!

[Dani_E]

Cali3 & Eddie,

I want to express my deepest sympathy for both of your losses. I can relate to both of you on multiple levels. Three years ago and one month before my 21st birthday, my father died of lung cancer. He had been fighting the battle for 8 months and was only 53 years old. Being a very healthy and athletic man prolonged his stages of death and Eddie, I know what traumatic imagery you're talking about. I have weekly dreams of my father having already died, coming back to life so very sick and dying again. I was in college when my father died and chose to take a year off of school to take care of him.

Two weeks before he died, he was put on hospice. After that, everyday was a step closer to death for him. One day it was him not eating anymore, the next not being able to swallow, then being put on oxygen, to me having to squirt liquid morphine into his mouth every hour. He was my hero so I slept on the floor next to him every single night throughout those last 2 weeks. One morning my back was hurting so I went and slept in another room and he died while I was out of the room. I feel like he waited until I left so he could leave this earth.

Cali3-I watched my dad talk to angels while he was dying. I have no doubt in my mind it was anything else. He was as sharp as a nail up until his last breath so it definitely was not him losing it. At one point I saw him waive out the window and say goodbye to something. I said "Dad, who were you waiving to?" He replied, "I'm not exactly sure, they came up to me and said hello and shook my hand and then left the room." I asked him if they were angels and he said YES.

When my family is all together for occasions no one gets emotional either. It used to bother me a lot, but now I have found when I talk to them individually they're able to express more. My brothers have handled the loss of my father a lot different than I. We were all young and we all had lost our mentor in life. Anyways..I just wanted you both to know that I can relate and I know how hard it is. My God bless you both, we will see them again.

[Willies mom]

Cali3,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my twin sister a week after we turned 39 (from a heart attack in her sleep). Even though it has been 13 years I still feel the ache in my heart on a fairly regular basis. I totally understand what your are going through and the level of your grief. There are no words that I can give to comfort you other than I do understand and you are not alone. The one piece of advise I can give you is to continue (as hard as it may be) to surround yourself with family and friends. We set out a picture of my sister at special events such as Christmas, Easter, and even her childs wedding so that she is included in our day. Often times we recall wonderful memories. It took a few years to get to that point as the pain in our hearts was so intense.

I do understand your pain. I still have my moments. At the birth of her first grandchild I couldn't hardly feel the joy of birth because I was so upset that she should have been the one there to participate, not me. It just isn't fair. To them, to us. Just remember how much you are loved and that she is looking down on you smiling. We are the one that suffer, they are at peace in heaven.