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My Sister Tracy

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My sister was a beautiful mother, and best friend to me all of my life. After a 4 year battle with breast cancer, it finally got the best of her and she passed on 1-13-11. I have not been right since. I am overwhelmed at times. I was there at the end, at my parents house, helping take care of her. I cant shake the visuals of those last days, watching her slip away. The morphine, the moaning, the shell of her once beautiful self. I watched my mother and father age 20 years seemingly overnight. I cant sleep. I have nightmares, wake up crying, calling for her to stay...etc. Tomorrow she would have been 42 years old, and i just know its going to be one crappy day for my whole family. The past few weeks i have found myself drinking more and more. It got pretty bad when i got drunk at a restaurant with my mom and dad and their friends, and started balling at the table in a full restaurant. I am old enough to know alcohol is not the answer and have stopped my destructive behavior...I know my sis wouldn't want that for me. You see, she was the most understanding, loving person i have ever met. Holding her hand the moment she died was and is so surreal. How can i get past this pain? I cant even talk to my parents on any level because they are dealing with their own grief. I sit staring at pictures of us as kids, wondering how the hell this happened, and how i will ever get over this feeling of emptiness. Her son, my nephew, is such a great kid and when he tells me how much he misses his mother, I can barely contain myself. I just want her back and STILL cant wrap my head around the fact that i will never be able to put my arms around her, or hear her contagious laugh...its like i am living in a nightmare. I feel like no one understands my pain...including my fiance (who was there with me at the end). I know everyone means well, but its like someone reached in and ripped my heart out of my chest. I am told I have to be strong for my parents, but I cant even handle my own grief. The day of her wake I found out that I am going to be a daddy. What should be the BEST news of my life is now shadowed by the fact that my sister will never be able to see my child, like I saw her son...and its so freaking hard knowing that. I want my fiance to know that i am excited and so happy about having a child on the way, but I am suffering so much pain, i feel unable to express any joy what so ever. I have questioned my faith, my strength, and life in general as of late, and i just want somehow to get over the hump, and start healing. I really feel helpless and cant understand "gods plan" or "everything for a reason" statements made by people who are "trying to help". I JUST WANT TRACY BACK. OK im upset now.....does anyone have any advice for me?? I'm losing it. :(

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I so feel your pain. When I lost my sister, I also lost one of my best friends. It's the loss of a bond that is so hard for anyone who has not experienced this to understand. I have no wonderful words of advice because I find myself crying at the drop of a hat and just wish every day this horrible nightmare would end. What I did that helped me the most was that I put the picture boards together for her funeral. Then immediately after, I put together a video DVD of pictures of her. It took me a month to find just about every picture of her ever taken (seriously, this DVD has over 500 pictures!), to put them into chronological order, and then choose the right music. This helped me and made me cry something fierce. Most of my family has not yet been able to watch it, but in time I think they will enjoy it. I hope you have peace today :)

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Guest Nicholas


There are plenty of people on here who can, and will, help you. All I can say is try and talk to people, friends and family, about your loss, don't bottle things up and definitely don't turn to alcohol if possible (alcoholism was what killed my son in December).

Try to read some books on bereavement, there are many excellent ones, and try and see your own doctor for help and advice, if he/she is the caring type.

Good luck


Edited by MartyT
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Eddie, dear, I'm so very sorry to learn that your precious sister has died, but I am grateful that you've found your way to this warm and caring place. I hope you will spend some time reading through the posts you will find in this and in some of our other forums, both to help you better understand your own reactions and to reassure you that you need not bear your sorrow all alone.

You say you feel like no one understands your pain, including your fiance. When you find a post or an article that speaks to you or serves to explain what you may be feeling, you might consider printing it out for your fiance to read. (Be sure to explore some of the links I've listed on the Death of a Sibling page of my Grief Healing Web site.) If she's had no prior experience with significant loss, she may not understand your reactions, especially if she's pregnant with your child and wanting you to be happy about that. I simply cannot imagine how difficult all of this must be for you, including the timing of this pregnancy, but I hope you will give yourself permission to lean into your pain, feel your feelings and mourn the death of your sister. This is the time to cry for your sister, and to cry for yourself as well. A part of you may be overjoyed at the news that you're having that baby, while another part may be feeling extremely guilty, disrespectful and disloyal to your sister for feeling anything but sorrow. Bear in mind that we humans are capable of holding two totally opposite feelings in our hearts at the same time (the very definition of ambivalence) and it's okay to feel both sets of feelings!

There is so much to learn about this thing called grief, and so much we'd all like to tell you about it, but you can only absorb so much all at once. You will find Cali's and Nicholas's suggestions (and those you'll learn from all our other members) to be very, very helpful, but you must proceed at your own pace. You're at the very beginning of a very long journey, but you're not on that path all alone. You are among kindred spirits here, and we're all walking beside you now.

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