swedishfish Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 A male friend lost his father in April of 2009 suddenly in his sleep. I had met him a few months after the death where we instantly connected and started spending every day together. He never talked about it much, and seemed to be getting on okay... It wasn't until the 1 year anniversary that I started to notice changes. He become more "flat" and distant from his friends, retreating to his apartment and shutting down. I tried to offer help, but he ended up pushing me away too a few months later. I never really acknowledged his grieving, as it didn't seem as if he was taking it very hard until the 1 year mark, and then I realized how much pain he must have been dealing with. I think he was distracting himself for so long, that the pain finally caught up with him. Since he's pushed me away, I've been reading a lot about loss and I truly empathize and understand the hurt he must have been feeling. I don't understand it first-hand, but I can say I've learned and sympathize. I was considering sending him a "thinking of you" card for the upcoming 2 year anniversary, but I don't know if it's appropriate or not. I was just going to write "thinking of you during this difficult time of year" and that's it. I want to let him know in some way that he can talk to people about it, if he needs to.. that people haven't forgotten, and in a way, I am sorry for not acknowledging his pain. Any thoughts appreciated. Thank You. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 I think that would be very appropriate and kind. Anniversaries of the death date, birthdate, etc. are very hard. People often don't know what to do so they tiptoe around it...it's not like the survivor can ever forget, and sometimes it means a great deal for someone to just acknowledge their grief and let them know they are there for them should they ever want anyone to talk to. Listening is a great skill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swedishfish Posted March 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 I think that would be very appropriate and kind. Anniversaries of the death date, birthdate, etc. are very hard. People often don't know what to do so they tiptoe around it...it's not like the survivor can ever forget, and sometimes it means a great deal for someone to just acknowledge their grief and let them know they are there for them should they ever want anyone to talk to. Listening is a great skill. thank you... do you think those few words are enough? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 I don't think that it's out of line. As time goes by you think that no body rembers their loss. I think a card with a simple message would probaly be appreciated! Some times they don't want to talk because it brings up all those old emotions! I would give it a try and put your current phone number in it or email address so he knows he has that option to get in touch with you. You know it's the birthdays, holidays, anniversary of their loved ones death. These are the hardest! Maybe he will call. You could try then to get him to talk about good things from past. I think men just hold in more of thier emotions than us women do!! You give that a try and let me know how it goes. Goodluck!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swedishfish Posted March 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keyboardplayer Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 I think he would really appreciate knowing you are thinking of him during this time. People who have never lost someone close sometimes don't understand that the pain will be with you always, and it doesn't just go away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 5, 2011 Report Share Posted March 5, 2011 I think it's best to give a short simple message. It's so easy to say the wrong thing and we increase our chances the more we say so it's best left kept simple. It's the thought that you remembered, you acknowledge his loss, you cared enough to say something, that will mean a great deal to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swedishfish Posted March 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 26, 2011 I sent the card out today. I feel good about it, thanks to all your replies. thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
haveFAITH Posted June 29, 2011 Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 I would love to know, how did this go?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swedishfish Posted June 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 In it, I wrote "thinking of you during this difficult time of year" and then added "I didn't understand what you must have been dealing with and going through. I am sorry I wasn't more empathetic.. I hope you are finding peace" He thanked me for the card and told me that I wasn't un-empathetic.. he didn't really talk about his dad passing much, it wasn't anything with me... He hasn't reached out to me since and that's okay. That makes sense to him and I just wanted him to know I was there if he needed someone. That's how that went. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
haveFAITH Posted June 29, 2011 Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 Thats lovely... atleast you were able to put yourself out there. Proud of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 29, 2011 Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 Good for you... to reach out to someone. I understand how one never knows how they will be received but you gave a short message showing you were aware and thinking of your friend. Anniversaries come and go as people's lives are busy and filled with their own interests. I think what you did was perfect. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swedishfish Posted June 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 Thank you Mary & Faith. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
haveFAITH Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 How is it going Swedish? Any updates on how this has turned out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swedishfish Posted March 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 So the time of year is coming again that I know is hard on him... I don't know if it's the right thing to send anything again... He and I talk when we bump into each other, but not on any bit of a regular basis at all.. still awkwardness between us in general.. thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 I think I'd let it slip by. By this time he should have other supportive people in his life to remember and encourage him. I wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea and think you're using this as a platform for a different motive. Say a prayer for him and let it go. If he knows you at all, he already knows you remember and are thinking of him at this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swedishfish Posted March 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 thank you for replying. It didn't hurt to ask to get opinion, but I do think you are very right on this one. I am thinking of him, and his family. He knows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 (((swedishfish))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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