swedishfish Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 A male friend lost his father in April of 2009 suddenly in his sleep. I had met him a few months after the death where we instantly connected and started spending every day together. He never talked about it much, and seemed to be getting on okay... It wasn't until the 1 year anniversary that I started to notice changes. He become more "flat" and distant from his friends, retreating to his apartment and shutting down. I tried to offer help, but he ended up pushing me away too a few months later. I never really acknowledged his grieving, as it didn't seem as if he was taking it very hard until the 1 year mark, and then I realized how much pain he must have been dealing with. I think he was distracting himself for so long, that the pain finally caught up with him. Since he's pushed me away, I've been reading a lot about loss and I truly empathize and understand the hurt he must have been feeling. I don't understand it first-hand, but I can say I've learned and sympathize. I was considering sending him a "thinking of you" card for the upcoming 2 year anniversary, but I don't know if it's appropriate or not. I was just going to write "thinking of you during this difficult time of year" and that's it. I want to let him know in some way that he can talk to people about it, if he needs to.. that people haven't forgotten, and in a way, I am sorry for not acknowledging his pain. Any thoughts appreciated. Thank You. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 Hi swedishfish I'm sorry for your friends loss and sorry he pushed you away,some people do that sometimes and it's awful for those on the receiving end. I think it's a lovely idea to send a card like that,perfect words too. I'm 14months into losing my Dad and when people remember dates,send a card or MSG it means so so much to me. I've no doubt your friend will really appreciate it even if he can't reach out to you yet,I promise it's much appreciated. I just want to say thanks too for researching about loss and grief when you haven't experienced it yet....it's people like you the world needs to understand we don't feel all better soon after although it can look like that on the outside,now you know so much more. Please let us know how it goes. I hope you will get your friendship back in time when he's ready. Thanks again from another who's lost her Dad Niamh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swedishfish Posted March 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2011 I sent the card out yesterday. He should be receiving it today. I feel good about it. I know he is probably feeling poorly. I hope he sees people cares about him in his times of need. thanks for all your replies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aquarius7 Posted March 30, 2011 Report Share Posted March 30, 2011 You did a great thing swedishfish. He will greatly appreciate it, no doubt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swedishfish Posted March 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2011 Thanks Aquarius. I sometimes question things that I do.. A little bit of "buyers remorse" but whatever the words would be for actions... I felt this was a good thing and had no regret. Hope you are finding peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swedishfish Posted April 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 2, 2011 I ran into him today and he thanked me for the card. He said that was really nice of me. He seemed to be genuinely happy that I sent it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted April 2, 2011 Report Share Posted April 2, 2011 I'm glad swedishfish.I have a new friend who lost his Mom 4yrs ago,anniversary is next month.he refuses to ever talk about it,I thought he would be someone who could relate to my pain but far from it.his words on grief to me have been "I refuse to open that can of worms". So I respect his decision,I know you can't push or force anyone but I do wonder whether to acknowledge the day or not. Like I said I'm very glad your friend/ex thought it was nice. Not sure yet what I will do,I can only assume that he will of course be thinking of his Mom on the day,yet part of me worries maybe he'll just want to treat it like any other day,it's impossible to know when he doesn't talk! Niamh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swedishfish Posted April 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 2, 2011 I think similar to what I did, just let him know you are thinking of him. I think it's important to just let your new friend know you are his friend and are there for him to listen if he needs you. He may talk, he may not, but at least he can know that there is safety in discussing it with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swedishfish Posted March 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 So the time of year is coming again that I know is hard on him... I don't know if it's the right thing to send anything again... thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Babypod Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 My Great Grandfather died Feb 14th 1938 - every year my Grandma was sad on that date. It was a sudden death - he was in his 40's and died of a massive heart attack at work. I always called her on that day because I knew she was sad - she never forgot. I think it is still a great idea. We will be 11 months since the death of my Grandma and I know for me it seems to be getting harder again. I think it is very sweet of you to remember. Angel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swedishfish Posted March 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 Angel, How would you feel getting a note from someone who you still don't really have a friendship with anymore? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 I think it's a good idea to send it also. Just because more years pass doesn't make an anniversary any less meaningful but in general people do "forget" to acknowledge, the longer it's been so I would definitely think it's a really nice gesture to show you do still remember and took time out to acknowledge it. Niamh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swedishfish Posted March 12, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 You really think so? I'm trying to put myself in his shoes.. to receive a card from someone you barely speak to... I don't want him to think anything of it except that i'm thinking of him during this time of year, knowing how difficult a time it may be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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