Shut Out?

[Princesspeanut]

A few months ago my father passed away suddenly...I thought my family would call come together, that we would help each other heal. I was extremely close to my stepmother, she had been married to my father since I was a young child and I considered her almost as much of a mother than my own. She took care of me while my parents were going through a divorce and was really someone whom I admired. When my father passed, she didn't even call me. As a matter of fact I had to fly across the country to my hometown and show up at the house my father passed away in, just to get answers. As his daughter, I would hope that his wife would overlook the difficulty of having that conversation in order to properly inform immediate family! Since he passed, I have repeatedly made attempts to reach out to her. I have sent thoughtful gifts and flowers, I have called and texted repeatedly with a response about 1 out of 15 attempts to get a hold of her. I did get a birthday card with some money, but very minimal thought...Again, I flew across the country twice to go home. Once for Christmas, the first one I ever had to spend without my Dad. The second, for a wedding...the wedding Ill never have because I wont have my Dad to walk me down the asile. Both trips were very emotionally draining. Both times, since I had traveled so far I reached out to my stepmother to get together. I hadn't seen her since my father passed and really needed someone who understood what I was experiencing. Both times she "forgot" I was coming home and didn't see me. Those two times broke my heart. So I am just wondering if there is anyone out there who has lost not only someone in life, but has lost the people you loved too? I have been totally shut out from someone I need so badly and I know I can't make her behavior change but it hurts so much I can't imagine it hurting anymore than it does. No one in my fathers family has reached out to me since he passed.

My own sister, whom I never had a good relationship with has gotten colder and colder. I guess I do my fair share about complaining about her behavior to others but to her I am always, cordial and kind. I guess I figured since I was the little sister maybe she could be there for me the way I have been being there for her. I guess I figured wrong. No "Love" in an E-mail. She hasn't once asked me how I am doing since my father passed yet I have listened to repeated complaints and hour long text sessions about her health, meanwhile she doesn't ask about mine.

I feel like my feelings are de-valued. That because I am not crying all the time (although I cry quite often) and because I dont post my innermost feelings on Facebook, I have none. I almost feel like I need to be in a worse condition for them to stand up and take notice.

The anxiety and stress is part of my health that puts me in the most danger. And this is no exception. It makes it worse. It makes me feel like ive done something wrong...How can family just close the door on someone? Do I have to cry out for help louder than I already am?

[hello123]

I'm so sorry for how you're being treated princesspeanut. For me I've found that people including family can be so different to how you would expect them to be. My family have been so selfish, I'm away at University so my mum is left with a lot to do at home with my brothers, family always say they will help her out but never do, my cousins I havent heard anything from them no "how are you" yet I see on their facebooks "RIP uncle etc" it makes me so angry how dare they, its just attention seeking they obviously dont care because they have NEVER asked me or my brother how we are. My aunty who's dad passed away doesnt even acknowledge our loss just constantly talks about hers and how her 8 year old daughter is gonna live without a grandad, even though my brother who's only 7 has to live without a dad. Personally I've found people to be a massive let down, I'm sorry you're making such an effort with your stepmom and she's not reciprocating, what worked best for my mum was she had a rant at the family and she felt like they were being a bit better after, it didnt last but worked at the time. So maybe you could talk to her and tell her that you're making such an effort and iit's upsetting you the way she's being cold? Anyway just to let you know you're not the only one to find this reaction from people! Doesn't mean its acceptable though! sorry!

[BellaRosa]

Princesspeanut, I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this while you're grieving your dad as well. I'm disappointed in people as well. They seemed to care for the first couple of weeks after my mom passed, but now no one at all asks how I'm doing. I don't know if they think I should be over it by now, or if it makes them uncomfortable, or if they just don't know what to say. You're definitely not the only one being let down by people you expected to be there for you during a time like this.

[loulou]

I have alot of similar things going on.Or I should say had.My Dad(who raised me,and was my bestfriend)Died suddenly a year ago.He was 49,and had this girlfriend for the last 11 or 12 years.Her and I had always been stand offish with each other.They have 2 little kids.One is 9,other 2.I was close to the 9 year old.I would have her over all the time for sleepovers.My dad and her were having lots of problems the last year,and my dad would talk to me daily about her.He even said a week before he died that trying to support her and the kids with no help was "killing him".I told him if anything happened to him I would "never forgive her"...Of course when he died the little girl in me came out and all I wanted was comfort and approval from her.I felt close to her at that time and struggled to keep talking to her,and keep my little sister spending the night,even through unbearable grief.She began going to the bars less then 1 month after he died.(she had NEVER went before)I should mention that her and I are less the 8 years apart.She stopped calling me,I havnt spoke to my sister in a long time.I'm friend with her cousin so I hear of them and I know she hears of me...I just had a baby and wouldve liked to see them,as a poor replacement for DAd.The ashes were to go to me.Im next of kin,and the only one who wanted them.The funeral home gave them to his girlfriend,and she refuses to give them to me.The box with his ashes held a bag of jewlery that was from my dad's remaining family,older relatives from far out of town,who I had never met and travled to our town for his funeral,left st.christophers and crosses in his casket to go to me,and she said someone stole that,and the silver name plate with his name engraved on it,that comes in the box of ashes was stolen too.Yeah,right....I understand you saying it broke your heart.I feel so hurt by this woman,I cant imagine if I had felt close to her,and her doing this.I long for this woman because she is such a symbol of my dad.I see her and my heart breaks.Thats not even getting into my brother,who was very close to my dad and me.He seems to not grieve for dad,and has no use for me.I actually had a recent screaming match with him because my baby was 1 month old and he had not bothered to see her(actually I was hurt he didnt come see me)...I wonder the same thing,how can family shut me out like this?I need them so much.It seems no one cares,and that just reminds me of all that I have lost when he left.I'm sorry for your pain and I feel the way you do.I miss my family.

[Princesspeanut]

Oh LouLou my heart breaks for you. Im so sorry for what you are going through...I thought the same thing, like maybe in the wake of this tragedy, it would at least bring the family together. I guess we were just fooling ourselves. You must be so angry! How do you deal with it? Im having a hard time finding an outlet for all my anger. Your brother sounds so much like my sister, its uncanny. Congratulations for being blessed with a baby, maybe your Dad knew you needed someone who was on YOUR side

[loulou]

princess...I dont really deal with my anger.I just have this pin-wheel of emotions that I go through.I guess I just let the emotions come.Yesterday,guess who showed up at my house..My brother.We had a 2 hour talk about Dad and it left me in a panic attack.He is my YOUNGER brother,and he just talks like he is so much more mature(which he totally isnt).He says he is happy for Dad because now Dad dosnt have to work so hard and struggle and suffer.He says he is in a better place,and we know how very much he loved us,so whats to be sad for?I know that,but I cry for what I lost.I cry for what I miss.even though my brother thinks he is a thug,he went to a christian highschool(I didnt)and I wonder if that is why he is at more peace than me.I'm not sure anymore what I believe.After your post yesterday I started missing my little sister bad.I text her mom,but of course she never responded....Oh princesspeanut,the thing is,I think we are so let down because people we love,who we relied on to love us back,during a time so hard I could have never imagined,seem to not give a crap.Life is so surprising,and depressing.I'm so sorry about your step mom.Reading your post,my own heart hurts because I know the pain.Why in the world would she shut you out so completely?I think my own 'step mom' didnt even care how much I hurt,I think it pissed her off that she didnt get all the pity and attention.Goodluck,hun.I know it wont help to say you dont need them,cause thats what I tell myself,but it hurts.Im sorry.

[Princesspeanut]

Maybe your brother is trying to stay positive to hide the hurt. Sometimes I tell myself the same thing your brother says...it helps me to understand the tragedy of it all. Or at least make it less painful. Thanks for the support, I feel your pain too. im here if you need anything