Had A Major Meltdown

[Country Sunshine]

I went out to start digging over our little raised bed garden, and plant some lettuce. I got a space about 3' x 4' dug over and ready to plant... and finished breaking up the litle clods with my hands... Got the lettuce planted and turned to where Bob usually sat while "directing" my gardening, and of course he wasn't there.... So, I just had a major meltdown sitting on the grass (that will soon need mowing) and bawled like a calf. I finally lay back on the grass and looked skyward to see the blue sky amongst the clouds that had gathered... and asked God "how could this have happened"...and why? As I lay there on the ground crying, I begged Jesus to please come and take away some of this excruciating pain I was having.... soon my sobs began to subside... and I went into the house..

The phone was ringing when I came in and it was my neice. She said she was looking at real estate and wanted to know if it might be possible for me to think about moving from here and maybe coming to live with her. She is in her 40's and single and will most likely remain single too... She has been married, but to the totally wrong man.. imho.. but that's neither here nor there... We have always gotten along really really well.. and so I am happy that she asked and will leave it as an option.

While I was outside, it seemed as if everything I cast my eyes upon reminded me of my beloved Bob. I would probably taken the mower and cut some grass if the darned mower weren't tore up. (Mental reminder to see about getting it fixed and soon).

It was just two months ago today that we talked about him getting a hair cut and planning to go the very next moring... How could this happen? He was in pretty good shape for his age of 82 especially.. But of course I know the answer to that... it's because God called him home... and it is time for me to prepare for my own journey home.

I am so darned numb.... and my dreams are filled with dread.

Carolyn

[mfh]

Good for you...to just allow the meltdown...lying in the grass and all. I so admire you for that. I do meltdowns pretty often...and it will be a year next Sunday. Bill was 79 and a vital, talented person. It is just so shocking and the pain is so deep and excruciating and no one else can know our pain as good as SOME people are. It is nice to have an option with your niece and to know it is just an option. I have a gal who helps me clean twice a month as I can't do some of it. I overslept yesterday and she rang the doorbell. I did not hear it. The dog did not bark but cuddled up next to me. She let herself in, as she is directed to do, and woke me up. She thought I was dead and told me that...scared her. My response was "no such luck". I guess that says it all....Keep on keeping on...it is what we do...that and being the best we can be.

[kayc]

We've all had meltdowns, it's so understandable. You are right, when we lose our spouse, everything seems to serve as a reminder.

I notice a beautiful dog in your picture, do you still have him? I've found mine to be such a comfort to me. I wish there was something I could do, but all I can do is send you a virtual hug.

[Country Sunshine]

Oh yes, that is my Lucy pooch... I have had her for 4 years... she is a German pinscher... and I also have another pup that is part Blue Heeler and part maybe setter.. uneducated guess there. I found the pup freezing under a bridge where I walk to on a nearly daily basis about 2 miles from the house... Someone had dumped the poor lil thing.. she was a mere 12 lbs. and skinny as a rail then, but now she is a glossy and well behaved 46 lbs. of pure love. They both are such a comfort to me.. they know when I need them to be close and when not to be close.. Lucy really missed her daddy for the first couple of weeks and whined a lot, but now she seems to understand.

Thank you for the hug..... and one back at ya..

Carolyn