Learning To Live With This Pain

[kayc]

My son called tonight, he is grieving over George too. He said he hadn’t known how much he meant to him until he was gone. He was to him what he missed with his dad...acceptance, he didn’t judge him, and he even looked up to him. He said he could just be himself around him. He saw a movie he thought George would like and was going to tell him about it, and then remembered, he's gone. It’s so hard! We want him back so much! Does he know how much we love him? Does he know just how huge of a hole he left inside of us? I want to hold him and be held by him so much, it’s what I miss the most. My heart just aches for him and I can’t stop crying. I realize now that it’ll never be gone, I have to live with this pain. My only consolation is that it is me having to go through it and not him. I love him so much! What do I do with all of this pain? What do I do with all of my unmet needs? What do I do with the loneliness, the ache, the sorrow, the missing him? No one else’s hugs can hold a candle to his! And the way he always looked at me, I miss that so much. I lost the woman side of me the night he died. There is no one to appreciate me and look at me with the tenderness and love he did. No one to make love with, no one to hold, no one to go places with, no one to laugh with, no one to be my “partner in crime” and eat with . No one to make me look forward to the weekends and holidays. No one to snuggle up to at night. No one to smile at me as I awaken on Saturday mornings. No one to sit in church with. No one to carry in the groceries. No one to change the tires. No one to be my partner in life with. All of that is gone. I have to live without a lot. It hit me so hard last week when I wasn’t feeling good and he wasn’t there to hold me. There isn’t even anyone to notice or care if I make it home or not. There’s no one to talk over our days with. No one to go on walks with. No one to pick up my Rxs. No one to make me smile. He is the most beautiful human being I have ever seen and it’s no wonder my kids love him. Like my son said, he was so easy to live with, easy to be around, fun, enjoyable. I am so glad my kids got to see what it was that I saw in him, what made me fall in love with him. Like the kids said, how could I not? I just wish I knew how all this worked, this whole heaven thing…can he hear me? Can he read what I write? Is he here with me in spirit? If only I could know that he is, it would bring me immense comfort. The only real comfort and solace I’ve found is in our place and nature. Here I have all that we love, our trees, our hummingbirds, the deer, and even some elk hiding among the trees! I can hear the bat sounds at night and feel the cool breeze as it cools off the hot day. I can sit on our porch swing, where we always snuggled up and looked at the stars together. God how I love him, I’ve always loved him. I have been trying so hard, he would be proud of me, but this is harder than anything I have ever had in life, and that’s been a lot. I just want to go to sleep and wake up to his caresses.

[Charlie]

kayc

All your words are so true. That is exactly how I am feeling these days, and like you my grown son is missing his dad more each day. It will be 9 months now and the year date of his death is fast approaching and I wonder how me and my children are going to deal with it. This empty feeling inside never goes away.

I feel your pain because I have the same feeling of loss.

My prayers are with you

Grace