Can't Talk To My Teen Son About My Mom's Death

[skeewee]

My Mom died on March 1, 2011 after a brief bout with pneumonia. My husband and two kids and I were living with her at the time of her death. She was healthy one day, and in the hospital the next with complications from a seizure, pneumonia, and kidney failure. The month of her sickness was devestating. My 15 year old son is at home with us and our daughter is in college.

I cry everyday, but can not seem to talk to my son about my mom's death. He has talked to my daughter who is away, but I feel like I need to say soemthing to him. I am so devastated. He looks so much like her and the two of them had such a special relationship.

Any thoughts or words of wisdom out there?

[MartyT]

Dear one, I'm so sorry to learn of the unexpected death of your mother, and you have our deepest sympathy. Grief is a family affair, and each person in your family is mourning the loss of your mother in uniquely different ways, depending on the closeness they've shared with her and role they played in one another's lives. As a bereaved daughter mourning the death of your mother, you're also in the position of tending to your son's loss of his beloved grandmother, and it can seem overwhelming to say the least.

You may find this article helpful: Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family.

You've asked for suggestions on how to talk to your 15-year old son about this loss, and I want to point you to some other resources that I think will be helpful to you. (You'll find these and many other links listed on the Child, Adolescent Grief page of my Grief Healing Web site.)

Bereavement Information for Teens

Developmental Grief Responses in Children & Teens (Dougy Center)

Supporting Teens through Difficult Times

Grief Speaks

The Healing Place: Grief Support for Children and Teens

Hello Grief: A Place to Share and Learn about Grief and Loss

Helping Teenagers Cope with Grief

How Adults Can Help a Grieving Child or Teen

Straight Talk About Death for Teenagers (Book by Earl A. Grollman)

[skeewee]

Thank you very much! This has already been helpful. My 15 year old son does talk to his 21 year old sister and told her that he believes his recent success in his sport is due to his late grandmother looking over him. At least he does talk to his sister and some of his friends as well. I am going to grief counseling this week to help me deal with my own grief and ultimately, his. Thanks again.

[MartyT]

Your son sounds like a normal teen to me. And good for you for deciding to go for grief counseling, if only to reassure yourself that your reactions are normal, too. As the airline attendants always tell us if an airplane is in trouble, "When it drops down in front of you, be sure to put your own oxygen mask on first, before you attempt to help your child." I truly do believe that the best way for you as a parent to take care of your child's grief is by taking care of your own grief first. ♥

[skeewee]

Thanks for giving me some reassurance.