Girlfriend's Father Passed Away!

[Pollara]

Well Fred I am on your shoes and I really can feel you. But as KayC had already mention, I doubt that you will get more answers even if she feels better and more comfortable with you. As I have already said I didn't believe that my ex will stop talking to me or not even be at a friend level. He hadn't done that with any of his exes except one that it ended in a bad way. He even speaks to his girlfriends from highschool, so I really thought that in the end we will stay at friendly terms and I might have a chance or a good talk at some point. But no and I really don't know why. And although it hurts me because he thought of me as a great support, he had meet me to all his friends, to his deceased mother, he had a photo of us as screensaver on his phone and one photo of us at msn, he was saying how happy he was with me but in the end he doesn't want to have any kind of connection with me.

And at the end of the day, I believe that their depression is such, that even if you manage to stay friends or even something more, I really believe that they cannot give you any answers? What kind of answers do you want? Why did she got depressed? Why did she push you away? Why aren't you together now? It is as they say, they just don't know anything about anything. They feel an apathy towards everything.

I know that you don't care about the other fishes as I don't care either. I also had the best time of my last 5 or 10 years but unfortunately it seems that all the good in the life are always temporary or that maybe for some reason there is someone more suitable to make us happy. It took me a lot of years to find this someone but I guess we cannot have everything

[kayc]

Yes she will be stable again. It's hard to predict "when" because everyone is different, but from what I've seen, maybe a year or to? Some more, some less, but most make their way through it without getting stuck. For Jim I'd have to say it was several months, it's gradual so it's hard to pinpoint, but you have to realize they are never back to the self they were "before"...grief alters us.

"I'm convinced she doesn't want to lose me too." I disagree, she threw you away. If she didn't want to lose you she would have asked for space, not broken up with you, there's a difference. At any rate, that's for her to deal with, not for you to concern yourself with. Fix YOUR situation, not hers. I don't think she's being so altruistic as to stop you from hurting...people who are grieving don't usually think that way, they think of themselves and what THEY can handle.

And good luck getting an explanation from her, I don't think you'll ever get a complete one besides what we've already told you because I doubt SHE understands what's going on inside of her. She will tell you she meant what she said to you (before) and this was all too much for her and she needed space. Period.

I agree that distance isn't the reason...I live 1 1/2 hours from Jim, some live close, some across the world, the outcome seems the same.

It's true that people say stupid cliches when they don't know what to say...they want to comfort you, offer you hope, but you're right, it rings hollow and lame. I think Pollara and I have tried to be very honest and realistic with yo, and it may not always be what you want to hear, but we've been there and can see the writing on the wall...we want to help you in the long run, not just tickle your ears. Sometimes there IS nothing good to say, but something just has to be gotten through. Damn, it's hard! I'm glad you're going to make an effort to move on, I think in a few months you will feel much better.

I would agree with you about their not being "the one" except when I met my George, he and I both knew the other was "the one"! And I pray you run across someone you click with like we did. We related so well, had such immense faith in each other, it was the most amazing relationship...people were astounded by it and used to watch us together. And he died. That's my kind of luck. I've never met another that was even close to being like that. But with Jim I was comfortable at least and I liked that he was mellow and easygoing and I felt he was someone I could see myself living with the rest of my life, I loved his sense of humor. I haven't even met anyone close to being like that! Oh well...I do think it's easier when you're younger. When you're older it seems people are set in their ways and have their niche cut out for themselves already. It's harder to blend lives.

Don't "wait", let it go. It's likely you won't come to the resolution you're looking for and you'll have to accept that. For me, that was one of the hardest parts, it seems like that's been hard for Pollara too. I'm analytical by nature, I like to understand things, learn from them, but that's not always ours to have.

Do move on, right now your heart isn't in finding someone, but make it more about doing kindness for YOU and healing...it will happen, one day at a time.

[Fred79]

Well, this morning I was working on my Mac and my iMessage icon flipped on...

A message from her:

<< Hi, once again sorry for answering so late. I had some rough days myself. Like I said I'm not able to handle face-2-face yet but could I call you on Monday?>>

Pffff....what now?

[Pollara]

Well that seems good news Fred. She seems that she wants to keep contact with you.

It might be that she doesn't have it on her to have a relationship with you at that time but she want you in her life at a friend level for the time being.

[Fred79]

Well, it made me feel good for some hours...

My feelings got crushed 30 minutes ago.

She wrote that message this morning...about 6 hours ago.

I replied that I was really glad she contacted me. That I tried to understand her and I realized it must be extremely hard for her.

That for that reason I wasn't mad or disappointed in her but that didn't mean my heart wasn't completely shattered. That I had hundreds of questions but I wouldn't contact her again and that Monday was OK.

30 minutes ago I received a text from 1 of the 2 best friends.

Please don't contact her anymore. She will call you on Monday.

I was surprised as I only replied on her text and nothing after that for 6 hours.

I texted the girlfriend that I hadn't and would wait but WTF was going on??? Did everybody start to hate me all of a sudden.

She said: I was just double checking. She made her decision, respect it and one good piece of advice, stop being so egocentric in your next relationships...

What??? I know I'm a Lion as zodiac sign and such people like to talk about themselves and be in the middle of the attention but...we're (at least I am) very generous at like to please others as much as possible. And so I said....that always I have tried to do my best for her and acted from a point of view to distract her or relief her.

She replied: It's hard to reason with someone with no self-criticism....

What, another dagger in my heart....what is going on? Does all of the world suddenly wants to destroy me? Is all bad about me???

I try to life with respect for everyone. There's no reason for me to be boastful about myself here, you don't even know me. I know I'm sometimes quite direct and sensitive people can see this as rude or arrogant but I mean no harm at all, on the contrary.

To give an example: she had a very nice body and I was always complimenting her about it. But she had a complex about her belly. Don't know really why cause it wasn't fat at all...ok, it wasn't flat as a piece of wood either but absolutely not bad. When she started complaining about it I said she was good for me as she was. If she repeated it I repeated she was good for her. Third time I said: OK, then go to the gym and work out every day...

Apparently now I'm the insensitive one.

Same thing with New York. As the flights were booked already with non-refundable tickets and we had chosen the hotel...I just booked the hotel. To relief her from those things. I thought that a trip after 2,5 months would do her good. Apparently now I'm the insensitive one and was egocentric to only think about my own trip...

Am I really like that?

Cause now I feel superbad about myself...like I'm not worthy of her.

It feels like they want to destroy me....

[SadMellyDelly]

Fred:

What I am about to say may not make you happy but I refuse to sugarcoat when it comes to situations like these: you seem to be incredibly pushy and it looks like you're making this more about yourself and your "crushed" heart rather than about her. She has told you several times to give her space yet you continued to message her about the relationship and even contacted her friends and tried to relay messages through them. She is very overwhelmed right now and doesn't need this stress. You are adding to her stress. There is no hidden meaning behind her "give me space" "I don't want to see you face to face", it is what it is. She doesn't want you around. You aren't going to get a logical explanation right now because she isn't logical right now and to be quite honest, she doesn't need to give you one!! Let her focus on herself. She just lost her dad, the one who has loved her unconditionally all her life. She doesn't need to nor should she worry about you and the relationship. I'm sorry for being harsh but I keep reading these messages from you. She does not want you. Maybe doesn't want you right now, maybe will never want you again! Oh well. Such is life. Let her go with love and start worrying about YOUR healing. If from a year from now you're still single and she approaches you, then you can discuss the relationship... But only if SHE brings it up. But you have to stop being so overbearing. I am even sensing it through your messages and to be quite honest I even shake my head at some of the things you're doing. Please let it GO

[kayc]

You aren't a bad person, aren't a bad BF but I've told you before, people who are grieving are all about themselves, self-centered, they can't help it, they can't see past their hurt and in an effort to respect her, give her the space she's asked for and if she makes contact, absolutely NO RELATIONSHIP TALK WHATSOEVER! They can't handle it, it's pressure, it's a demand, it will earn you right into no contact at all. Pollara thought the outcome would be the same regardless because that's her experience and that's the experience of many here. BUT if you want a prayer of a chance, which even now is beyond your hopes, please grant her the space she requests.

[Pollara]

Well unlikely other people, I kind of disagree. I understand what you did and make them think that you are egocentric but I am really sick and tired of this. You know SadMellyDelly for me it is almost like a grieving period all the thing that I am going through and I have never felt like this in my life and I have lost people close to me due to death and still didn't had any reaction. Of course I wasn't pushy in any way to my ex because this is out of my character, but yes I hear and read again and again that I should respect his grief and move my needs aside? But why should I do that? Who respected me? Who cared about me? Is is like because it is his grief that he is completely forgiven and forsaken? You know the world doesn't move around them and of course not only about me. OK I understand the huge dimensions that it has taken on his mind, but really why? Shouldn't they realize how much they hurt other people? Not like they will care but anyway.

Well when it comes to Fred, for me it wasn't bad that he answered. He was kind enough to answer to her message. But he did the mistake to tell her that his heart was shuttered by her reaction and that he is waiting for answers.

I really don't undestand what kind of answers are you waiting for Fred. The girl told you to break up because she is grieving, she is in depression and she doesn't have it in her to devote to a relationship. She doesn't have any energy for it. I know that you cannot undestand it and noone that hasn't been into depression cannot fully understand it. No they are not against you or nothing and it is hard not to take it personally and you are trying to think what you did wrong in the past etc You didn't do anything wrong. At this point everything is wrong for them anyway. At this point it is your self centerism, at my occasion since I wasn't impatient and self centered it was my immaturity (the only thing that someone cannot blame). Go figure. Just don't do anything until Monday and wait. And don't talk to her about your relationship. Also it wouldn't come as a surprise to me if she doesn't call you at the end of the day.

And KayC when I say about the outcome it is the statistics that they are talking. I don't know if Fred had read all the stories, but when I came here I read each and every story, in this and in other forums as well. What I saw it was that the vast majority didn't return in a romantic way to their exes (sorry 3 cases in 200 that I ve read don't count as succeses). Anyway, in these cases I saw a lot of reactions, pushy reactions, really understanding reactions, really giving space and have patience reaction but in the end the outcome was the same. That is why I believe that in the end it is all about you. Because I really believe that no matter how hard you try in the end it is all up to the griever.

And SadMellyDelly you might be a genuine patient and understanding person but unfortunatelly not all people are like that and they don't know about grief. I admit that I learnt by first hand experience and I am pretty sure that if I hadn't found the forum by chance I might have been thinking worse than Fred does now. My friends were thinking 10 times "worse" than him. How can you not take it personally? They were telling me things like: it is obvious that he got bored of you, he might reconcilled with his ex and stuff like that. Even some of our common friends didn't get it, how could I? Of course I did my best because I have read these post before hand. What I am saying it it that Fred's reaction is the normal one.

Edit:And by the way I just realised that there hasn't been even one month since the death. I hadn't fully understand or didn't realize that this is so recent. Fred, even if your ex doesn't fell into depression like the other cases, one month again is still too little.

[SadMellyDelly]

Pollara, yes you should move your needs aside because as kayc has said numerous times, this is a very selfish/self-centered time for people who are grieving. Why shouldn't they be selfish? I know if I ever lost either of my parents I would be an awful mess and not want anybody or anything around except for the parent whom I lost. Nothing else would matter in the world except them. Maybe I'm the crazy one but I see nothing wrong with this behaviour. At all. Like I said before, how can we expect them to keep our heart whole when there's has been broken into a million pieces? I just don't get why it's so hard to understand? In the very early stages I was also quite confused but instead of just searching for stories on relationships that have ended due to death, I read story after story of people who have lost a parent and the pain and suffering they feel, even years down the road. I get it. I totally 100% get it. I hope my guy is doing whatever he needs to do to get by. I knew I couldn't be there for him and I knew he couldn't be there for me. Fred, you need to just leave her alone. If she turns to her two best friends to get her through this, amazing. If she goes and dates 10 guys to fill the void in the interim, that is awesome too. We have to respect their wishes and respect what they need to do for themselves just as we need to get out there and do for ourselves. My life isn't on hold. I went away this past weekend and met an amazing guy and am having such a great time talking to him and making plans to get together. Am I in a rush? Goodness no. It's all great fun. Do I still think about my guy? All the time :-) but when I think of him I am full of joy and happiness. I smile whenever he crosses my mind which means I'm a very smiley girl lately! I always tell people I adore him to pieces but it wasn't our time. If he were to approach me in the future (when and if he's ready) to date again and if I was still single, I'd welcome him with open arms. Until then, I am living my life, having fun, letting him go with deep love and just letting God guide me to wear He wants me to be and where He wants me to go

[kayc]

I don't think it's about us moving our needs aside, not at all! Yes this is a selfish time for them, but we are also grieving the loss of our relationship. My solution is this: we should move on and do what is best for us. If they want us to be there for them, great, but if not, respect their wishes and give them space. Understand, however, they cannot and will not be there for us or meet our needs. We must do what is best for us.

I understand about statistics, they tell a story that we can learn from...just always remember that there are exceptions. Yes I have read and responded to each one posting, and I realize it's extremely rare that they make it afterwards. I just think that all of us hoped for and wanted our situation to be that exception...it just wasn't.

[Pollara]

SadMellyDelly it is good that you are so understanding but probably you are the exception and you are the only one that will move her needs aside. You came to this forum to write, so you probably yourself searched for storeis as well. I am in a total mess as well, why should I forgot this?Should I kill myself in order to prove that I have it hard? And I didn't even searched for stories like that. When my ex mother died, I started searching to learn more about the grieving period and how should I stand next to him and as I was searching I saw a post from here and I ended up here. And there weren't only stories for this that I read, I also searched deep how depression in general affects people and not only grief.

I really admire you because you are the only one that can understand them so well. Personally I cannot totally understand it and if their friends cannot either, how could I? And it is so good that you have such a big heart that you can move your needs aside. And I am talking from a point that I moved my needs aside, I didn't ask for anything and I didn't add pressure. I even offered myself to give him space and let him have communication whenever he feels like it. But 7 months after this I still feel a mess and helpless. Noone cared about how I feel, so my only regret is that since either way things would have turned out this way, I should have told how I feel even if this made my ex have guilts or hated me. He hates me anyway.

And unfortunately for me it is not as easy as you describe. I hope I could got to dating again. I just cannot. Not only because I am sticked on this past that I won't have again and to my ex, but because I will never trust again anyone. And yeah I know he didn't cheat me, but believe me, I would have preffered it 1000 times this was to be the case than this unfairness. And I don't know how things are in your culture, but I know a lot of people that they were grieving, but this is the first time I saw something like that. So yes, how could I understand it since I have never seen it? In our culture the usual is for someone to want people with him/her especially the loved ones. I even have friends that their girlfriends dumped them because they couldn't stand anymore their cries. But for someone to break up with the other no it is the first time that I see something like that. And except from the stories that I read and the psychologists friends of mine had told me to take care of, I hadn't encountered something like that in my whole life. And having only the first hand experience and the readings cannot get me to the point of understand it 100% either. And it is very good that you can smile when you are thinking him but I am the total oppossite. Each and every time I think of him only bitterness comes. So I am trying to find a way not to think of him. I have even thought of going to hypnosis in order to make me totally forgot him like he had never existed. But I don't know if this works anyway. I am doing my best of not thinking about him, I even blocked our common friends in order not to see something related to him and be sad again. I am doing so many activities in order to just return home and sleep and work more than ever but still the problem remains.

You have a big hear to say that in the interim he can date as many girls as he wants, although the interim implies that someone will come back.

In any case what I don't get is not why someone don't have the energy to devote into a relationship, but how can s/he totally forgot about your existence. Or even hating you? That, I will never get it. Someone who was swearing that you were the best thing ever happened to you and do all things for you, how can he turn to a complete stranger and doesn't want any kind of contact with you. No matter how many years will pass I will always remember this and try to understand it.

[kayc]

Oh Pollara,

I feel and understand your hurt, I get how you feel, I'm so sorry. The only thing bad about hypnosis like that (if they can do such a thing) is you'd forget the lesson you learned in it and it could potentially happen to you again. It's made me not be able to trust either. Like I said, I was married to a total crumb-bum before but I decided to be super careful how I picked, and I did, and then this happened! Makes it really hard when you did all the right things and STILL got hurt. And Jim hasn't lost any more than I have in my life and I didn't shut people out with my losses.

[Pollara]

Yes it is true, I don't want to forget that. And I doubt that hypnosis can do something like that. Maybe just repress my feelings for him. At least to think him as any of my previous exes. without all this biterness and my life messed up like that.

In any case I came to the point of understand their need for isolation, or for shutting only their SO. I could understand a break no matter how big it is, but the total break up, no I don't get it. And in my case the: not speak at all either. It goes to the point of rudeness

[kayc]

Pollara,

How long has it been since he's spoken to you? Jim didn't talk to me at all for a few months, it was very hard, then he was very sporadic and gave me mixed messages that just messed with my mind so that's when I shut off my feelings and established in my own mind that it was done. After that, no matter what mixed messages he gave me or how erratic he was about contact, I could be okay with it, no expectations, no hope.

[Pollara]

KayC at the end of the month there will be 4 months after the break up and 2.5 months without contact. Our last contact was back at mid July when he told me that he was going to visit the psychiatrist and that he will start antidepressants. I spoke to him after one week or so to see how things went but no answer and at the begining of September (almost 1.5 after) I sent him a text: "hey how are you :)"? Nothing special related to us or our relationship or whatever.

Well KayC he hadn't spoken to you, but you didn' t try to reach him in the interim as I recall right?

I find it really rude especially for someone that he speaks to all of his exes.

And in the unfortunate case that I ll return in my country and encounter him what should I do? Speak to him like nothing has happened? OK I will try to avoid anything like that but you never know.

My best friend also tries to avoid them as well

[kayc]

I didn't have a way to reach out to him, he didn't want contact and had his phone disconnected. I did talk to his neighbor/friend once to see how he was and his daughter once...she didn't want further contact and unfriended me on FB and the neighbor went and got Jim and put him on the phone, which I hadn't requested or expected, very awkward. Other than that, nada. I'd just wanted to know if he was okay.

I have no idea how I'd handle running into him, I guess play it by ear. Jim continued contact with his ex wife throughout everything, which I find odd, I guess he considers her "family". That was the clincher for me, I, his fiance of one year was NOTHING but his ex wife, friends, neighbors could all be around? Nothing about this makes sense to me. And SadMellyDelly can say what she will, I HAVE been through grief/loss, and I never did this to those I love! To my way of looking at it, I try to cut him some slack, but I don't think anything is an excuse for bad behavior, and this definitely falls into that category. To break off a year's engagement with no explanation and to do it by Fed Ex...NO EXCUSE! I can forgive him to the point of being casual friends, but I don't trust him like I once did, nor am I able to open my heart and trust any man.

[Fred79]

Good morning everyone.

I was up early...again....still can't sleep 1 full night without waking up and having increased heart beating, stress I suppose.

However...it's getting better. You might all think ' waaaw, that's fast, was it real love, is it possible to get over real love so fast???'. Well, yes, that's me. I think I'm just quite extreme self-protective and realistic. There's no use in crying for something that's not going to happen. And that might sound very harsh but it's the truth, right? You are all trying to say me 'move on' and I'm just more open to that than the vast majority.

It doesn't mean I'm all smiling again...I have these sad moments still quite often. Saturday I was on my motorbike to the sea coast to meet with a friend. While driving on the motorway I saw some parachute jumpers at the exact same site where we (girlfriend and I) were supposed to be Saturday. I had reserved such jumps for her as a birthday present. It made me almost cry which is not a good idea while wearing a helmet...

Also this morning I'm a bit sad again... I think she really is not doing so well...maybe getting into depression and I want to help but I can't and I want to be there but I can't and I want to know how she is but I can't ask....pffff

Anyway, I think I made some kind of 'click' in my head Friday when 1 of her 2 best friends was texting me to leave her alone. Well, that got me mad. And getting mad is good for the healing process I discovered. I was really serene and calm when answering but I was thinking 'what the hell are you interfering with...this is not up to you...and certainly it's not up to you to judge me'. Being egocentric and not being self-critic...don't talk trash about me please. Those are the friends that I hugged 2 weeks ago and thanked them for being such a good girlfriend for my girlfriend and being such a great support. I thanked them and asked if I could do anything. I was even planning on giving them a weekend away at Belgian sea coast. A nice hotel for a weekend for my girlfriend and the one friend that stayed over every night. They had been talking about doing that and that would have been a gift just for being there for my girlfriend. And these same persons backstab me now??? I felt betrayed. And it made me mad, if you want to do that are you egocentric then???

SadMellyDelly, I'm sorry, but I completely disagree with you. Even reading your reply made me kind of mad too. Let me say I appreciate your reply, as all others. It doesn't mean I have to agree with it of course.

First of all, I think if you come here, make the effort of registering, reading and posting...then you're really in love. I guess you wouldn't go through all that trouble for a fling or just someone you weren't sure of in the first place. And as Pollara says if a relationship ends because someone passes away I believe the vast majority of the people getting dumped is the griever....their partner can't live with the continuous grieving or feels the griever has changed ever since. Which is not our case. We would do anything for our loved one. Anything to help. But they don't want us to, don't allow it.

When I replied to her text I indeed wrote that I was heartbroken but I added some line that I didn't mention yet. << All of this doesn't even matter to be honest. The only thing I want is that you get better. Even if it's without me...>>

So, although relentlessly, I am putting myself aside. Very egocentric right???!!!

Why do I disagree with you? Why was I a bit mad? It feels like I'm being judged. I'm 'wrong' for asking about us, I'm 'wrong' for texting and contacting her. I'm 'wrong' for this and 'wrong' for that.

Why????

There is no right and wrong in these cases.

Me being myself...is that wrong? Why?

Me trying to be there for her and trying to help wherever I can, is that wrong?

It might not be what she needs right now, and I agree now she has no energy for whatever, can't see things in perspective and so on...

The things I did were intuitive and I intended to do good. Nothing but good...so why is that wrong?

I talked with a good friend on Monday. She has lost her father too and when she heard what I had done she stated I would have been the perfect support for her. She needed someone to organize trips, took her to places, made her do things...I would have done the perfect things for her.

So how can I be the perfect support for 1 person and be 'wrong' for the other with doing the exact same things.

There is no right or wrong...just different characters, different personalities.

All I can conclude is that we got along real well in normal life but our personalities became too different in this grieving period.

In normal life she was very closed and I was very open...but we both needed to move a bit to the other side. A so we did it. She made me calmer cause I'm all energy all the time. She had a calming effect on me. And she became more open. Yin and Yang...that kind of stuff.

But with her father passing away, she closed down again completely...extremely. And I became after a week or so my energetic self, trying to text her and help her and be there for her all the time...when she didn't want that at all, not now. To overwhelming. Till it bursted...

Then again...as you all know now, I'm not the most patient guy around. And even so I tried to be, that's not me. Is it good to be someone else all the time? I don't think you can keep up with that. And even so, look at Pollara, she has been extremely patient and the outcome was the exact same thing...

SadMellyDelly says let it go, let your partner date, let them be happy... Sure, I want everybody to be happy. Really. There's no hatred in me. But I don't live at home with everybody. I live with me! And I'm not happy now. And she lived with me too and she's not happy now either. And we were happy before. Isn't it normal you want to go back to that period? I want that back. And I don't feel I'm wrong for thinking that way. And not egocentric either.

If you're happy and OK with letting it go...that's fine for you. That's not wrong, that's not right, that's just because you have a different character...

Well, She's supposed to call me this morning. Some more explanation. I don't know if she's going to call... I don't know what to expect. We'll see.

Keep you posted.

[Fred79]

Oh hell...I should have kept my mouth shut...

I don't feel better, I feel terrible again.

It was better yesterday...but today...nope....terrible.

Also it keeps running in my head that those 2 best friends have a dirty role in all of this. I'm not saying they trash talk about me...but they definitely won't defend me or talk about me in a positive way. You know, they were the holy trinity...always together. And then there was me...

Maybe now they want their friend back...for themselves.

Pffff

[Pollara]

Fred why do you think something like that? That they want their friend for themselves?

I don't believe they interfered by themselves if your ex hadn't mentioned to them about your text. Maybe she even refered to the ego centric behavior herslef. No I don't mean that you are like that, but people in their grieving period don't have a clear mind. I mean, maybe this was her assumption and the girlfriend just transfer you this.

And as you mentioned, yes you could be the perfect support for the one case and not for the other, because some people as KayC for example wanted people around them while other don't. It is obvious that you might have been the best for one person and not for the other because of their different characters. My friends appreciate in me that I can wake them up from their illusion and return them to reality even in the hardest of the cases. I didn't try to do this to my ex, but I am pretty sure that he wouldn't appreciate it. And the majority - if not all- the people I know that they lost someone it was completely the oppossite. they turned to their SO. Even my psychologist friends told me that there are cases like that but it is not the usual. Even the sister of my ex didn't turn out like that. And you know my ex wasn't introverted person like your girlfriend. But I had seen that when it was down he used to isolated.

I strongly believe that the outcome would have been the same. As you said, I moved all my personal needs aside. I left him all the communication to him, I didn't complain why he doesn't speak to me, I by myself gave him space and I even didn't say how I felt because I didn't want him to feel bad about it. But you know what? I was just delaying the inevitable. And now he doesn't even talk to me.

For me, you didn't do anything wrong. You might think a lot about yourself, which for me is natural, but except from the photo you didn't say something to add pressure to her. You only say to us your thoughts, and it is natural because you need someone to tell them. And as you said at the end of the day there isn't any right or wrong.

[kayc]

Whether you handled things the best or not, I know you love her and want what's best for her, and I think it's healthy for you to focus on yourself and I wish you could be mad, it might help fuel your healing. But you'll have ups and downs, same as the rest of us. When I went through this I had someone come down really hard on me on a different site, said Jim should have chose his mom over me, his fiance, and I was a selfish xxxxx for not understanding that. Then they lam-blasted me for disagreeing, said why was I on a forum if I didn't want to hear other's opinions (theirs). I think I blocked her and called it good. Sometimes people just disagree. I think if you're grown up enough to get engaged, you're grown up enough to not be a mama's boy and cave in to your mama. But that's just me, my opinion. I certainly want someone more mature than that or I'll kindly do without, thank you!

It is okay to voice yourself to us, we understand. And I think none of these people are bad people, but maybe just wrong for each other, otherwise maybe things would have worked out better in the end, who knows. Things seemed right up until the day they didn't.

[arbitrator]

Hi Fred79-

KayC is correct, you need to back way off and let her come to you when she's ready. I so wish I could have found this forum before I texted my XGF to spend time with me thinking I was reaching out to her to help her through this difficult time but instead I unintentionally put pressure on her. Now, as difficult as it is, I have to do damage control myself which means no contact with her.

[Tom19]

Wow this does seem such a long time ago now!

I hope everyone is well, no doubt people have/are going through what I did back then and may well have read this topic looking for advice on how to deal with the situation. I know I did the wrong thing back then and hopefully people will learn from the mistakes that I made.

Luckily my ex was not the one for me. How do I know? Well I've been with my current girlfriend for nearly two years now and she makes me feel a million times more loved than anyone ever has before.

Time will heal many a broken heart but maybe it's also just pain caused by being blindly in love with someone you shouldn't be with.

Life's funny and a ride so make sure you enjoy every living day that you have, it's too short to spend time chasing people who don't want you.

Hope everyone is okay!

[kayc]

Hi Tom, good to hear from you again and I'm especially glad you have someone "right" in your life. It's funny how we can see it all so much clearer further down the road, isn't it!

[Tom19]

Wow, I can’t believe this topic has so many views. It’s been 5 years since I’ve been here and whilst I’m sick and been up all night I remembered and thought I would come back and see what was going on. 

It’s currently 05:06am here in England. I’m tired but can’t sleep. 

In my last post I spoke about being with someone else. This lasted for 4 years before we mutually decided to end the relationship. Thank god it was an easy break up this time because I definitely didn’t want to go through what I did with Fern again. 

I’m now in a new relationship and we celebrated our two year anniversary last week whilst on holiday/vacation in The Canary Islands. 

Given how many views this topic has had I’m sure it’s helped many a people. I’ve read it back and it seems so recent still. I can picture where I was when I sent those messages. I even had a tear roll down my cheek whilst reading them. Those feelings that I felt are still there inside me. I still remember how my heart ached and how much I wanted things to be different. 

With regards to Fern, we don’t speak. We never reconnected on social media and I moved away from home because of work so no longer live in the same city. I do know that she’s with someone else and also has a child now so at least she found peace and I’m happy for that. 

Remember each person is different and your own feelings/actions will impact on your situation. Hopefully this topic will provide some sort of help and support to others who go through similar to what I did. 

[Rae1991]

Glad to see you're doing well, Tom. When I first found the forum in 2015, you and Miri's stories were the first ones I read. It's been three years since my story took place and I too am in a much better time in my life than I was then.

--Rae