kayc Posted May 1, 2011 Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 Wait a minute...you said she only contacts you while she's working? That's a red flag. Has she met someone? Is there any way you can check that out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 She hasn't met anyone no, she spends a lot of time with her family, and she never really gets in contact when she's with her family, even when things were good in the past she didn't so I don't think it's a massive deal, it's normal for her, her family were close before but now they're even closer after her Dad's passing so they spend a hell of a lot of time together. She said that she didn't want anyone else anyway when we broke up so I don't think she would do that to me. Anyway, I'm fed up of dreaming about her, I want them to stop but they don't! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 Just received a text from her today (she's not at work) asking what day this week is best for me to come and get my stuff. I don't know whether to reply or not, I'm not sure what to do. Help. I feel just like ignoring her altogether right not but I'm not sure that's right! So confused. Rather concerned at the fact that whenever she gets in touch it's literally just to get things and never that she's actually thinking of me though, I think that's what gets me down the most. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 The dreams will lessen with time...the first few months after Jim broke up with me were awful, I hardly got any sleep, it made it difficult to commute and do my job. But eventually you get used to the change. I would name a date/time...you do need to get your things so might as well get it over with. I took Jim's stuff by his house right after he broke up with me...he wasn't there so I left them on the front step with his roommate. I was careful to return all of his belongings, but not gifts that he gave me...I felt that would be insulting and hurtful and didn't want to do that, I just wanted to do what was right. Good luck when you do meet him...try really hard to keep emotion out of it. As odd as this sounds, it's not personal, but it FEELS personal. I say it's not personal because when someone breaks up with you when they're grieving, they'd do it to whoever they were with, it's about the situation not you personally. Unfortunately, since we're the ones left with the empty arms and broken heart...it definitely feels personal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 I'm going to text her today and suggest we either meet up today or on Wednesday, that way I haven't got to wait too much longer and Fern gets the space that she needs before she goes to Ireland on Monday to bury her Dad's ashes. When we meet I'm not sure what to say, what to do, I guess I'll just say hi and see what she does, then we just have to sort some things out and then I'll leave, I'll let her know I'm here if she ever wants me but apart from that I feel it's best for now to just leave her to it, no contact at all unless she gets in touch with me. I'm still debating whether to text her on the Monday before she flies over to Ireland but I'll decide on that after we have met up. Being so patient and not getting in touch is so hard, especially when you're used to seeing/talking every single day for the past 2 years! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 I would caution you against saying you're here for her if she ever needs you. Be careful not to be TOO available...she needs to understand the consequences of her choices...and part of that consequence is that you will NOT always be here waiting in the wings. You may think you will, but trust me, eventually, you will move on...there is only so much we can take. I would stick to the present, such as "I'm praying for you" or "call if you want to talk". No ultimatums, no promises. I certainly wish you well as you meet up with her. Try to keep control of your emotions and remember do not come across as needy. It's good to appear in control of your emotions and life...it makes you appear more attractive to her and also leaves her with a bit of mystery about you. She will expect you to cry or get mad, some kind of volatile reaction...do not give it. Stay in control...you can cry or get mad later when she's not around. Remember that this may not be forever and leave the unknown future to the future. You will be okay, I promise you, even if you don't feel it right now. You have shown strength and integrity and that she cannot take away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 Okay then, well I'll try and remain calm. I really just want some answers though, she's hardly been clear in her decision, I'm trying not to sound selfish here and respect what's she going through but I just keep thinking that when she broke up with me we was only with each other for the 5 minutes and that we didn't really talk much and that it was Fern who said we should meet up soon and talk about things and sort stuff out. obviously we're yet to be able to do that and hopefully Wednesday will be that time to talk and to get things cleared up. I'm going to try and be strong and not give in to my emotions it's just the fact that she'll be there in front of me that scares me, the thought of never seeing her again or never being with her again just gets me down, I try not to think about it but it pops up every now and again and I'll usually get go through a say 30 minute phase a couple of times a day at least when I'm feeling as low as I feel I could and then I cheer up a bit. I'm not sure what's going to happen on Wednesday when we see each other, I just hope that she's okay with me and that she talks, if she's still being cold and distant despite the space I've given her then it will upset me, again, I'm trying not to be selfish but I've got to look after myself as well yes? I miss just coming home to her after work and not seeing her smile when we meet again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 3, 2011 Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 I do know how you feel and what you mean...I never got an explanation or answers either and it'd be so much easier to have that closure if I could just understand it, but he won't talk to me about it. I do know how you feel, it's like you wish you could go back in time to when it was good, before it happened and have everything be like it was...but we can't, that option has been ripped from us. She may be acting distant with you to keep from breaking down, I don't know. Jim doesn't soften towards me either, he doesn't say he loves me or he misses me or anything like that, he's like we never were that close and i don't understand that, we used to cuddle and tell each other everything and we planned on being together the rest of our lives, how can he just do away with all that? I wish I had an answer for you but I'm at a loss to understand this as much as you are...I only know we aren't alone, there are plenty of others going through the same thing, it's like there's some kind of psychological thing happening when they lose a parent, but I don't know what...I lost my dad 29 years ago and I didn't react like this. I didn't even think Jim was particularly close to his mother, but maybe there's a bond there whether things are great or not. Good luck when you talk to her... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 Went to bed last night missing her like mad, woke up feeling exactly the same. I don't feel like I can fully start to recover and move on until we have spoken about things, so hopefully she'll open upto me tomorrow when we meet up! The last three days she's been in touch but once again it's only to sort things out and it's only been one text a day and so there's nothing to point that she misses me. It's hard, very hard to get by. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 3, 2011 Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 Okay, I felt better as the day went by, she's still always on my mind, just things like wondering what she's getting upto and whether she's okay and stuff. I want to text her and get in touch but I don't want to make her mad. At the moment we're still meant to meet tomorrow so hopefully she doesn't cancel on me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Well last night everything came crashing down. She texted me saying that she was changing her Facebook relationship status, and so I did the same. Obviously I want her but she clearly just doesn't want me anymore. Still meeting up tonight although I'm not looking forward to it. Seems to me that she's being a right bitch about things and that I feel she's been influenced by her friends a bit, which is a shame, especially as they liked me and I met Fern through her friends in the first place! Anyway so tonight now is going to be a barrel of laughs. Just have to see what she has to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Okay, take a deep breath, what I'm going to say is hard but I have your best interests at heart. Do not play into emotional stuff...whether or not she's trying to get a rise out of you, she is. She may be indifferent, but you have to appear so too, regardless of how you feel, otherwise you give her power over you. Only if you're on an even playing field do you want to give anyone power and right now, you're not. She is calling the shots, that makes it uneven. Go get your stuff. Don't drag it out, don't try to talk to her, don't try to get answers from her, they won't be forthcoming and at this point whatever she says you can't count on being the truth anyway because she might be trying to spare your feelings or she might be trying to hurt you. It doesn't matter. What matters ultimately is what is, and what is is you are split up, that's what you have to accept. Don't hope for anything to change because it likely will not, not to the extent that you'd like and find acceptable. My recommendation...you probably won't take my advice anyway, and I understand that, but I'll tell you anyway, is get your stuff then block her on FB and delete her phone number. Do not answer the phone or read her texts, in fact, if you can block her on your phone, do so. If she ever wants to get back with you, she can get a message through to you, trust me. To accept her halfway as a "friend" will be to constantly trigger yourself and go through more pain. Talk to your mom about this, tell her what I'm saying and see what she thinks. It's hard to be objective when you're in the middle of it. Someday you may be able to be friends, right now, no. Right now you're too hurt and confused, and who wouldn't be. If you think of her, say a prayer for her and let it go. Move on. Try to have some fun with your friends, keep busy, every time you think about her, change your thoughts...it's called "Stop Thought Process" and with practice it gets better and it works. I'm sorry, it's the same story, same script, too many of us have been there. I personally think it's people who are messed up that react like this (your XGF and my Xfiance)...they may appear normal but they're not, there's something going on inside of them and then their parent dies and it shows up. That's JMHO. I wish I could tell you to hope and hang in there and she'll come around, but that's not reality and I don't want to give you false hope...to go through that would be to hurt yourself worse and prolong the agony. You will get over her, you will get through this and tomorrow will be better than today, but it takes time and effort. I'm so sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Thanks for that it helped a lot! As it is I'm just getting her stuff together to take round! I'll no doubt write here afterwards about what happened etc! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Been round to see her, it wasn't too bad. We sat there, she said hello although didn't really do too much talking. Sorted things out, I dropped her stuff off, she gave me a hug and then I left. She still had everything up, our photo's etc I then get a text from her saying that's she found some of my DVD's and that she'll probably find other stuff, I asked if she wanted me to come round now and get everything out of the way so she could have space but she said no and that we can do it another day, I kind of got a little mad and texted her back saying okay, maybe we can also talk another day. She hasn't texted back since but at least maybe she'll get my point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 5, 2011 Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 Well you made it through that, it had to be hard, but you got through it. Understanding that sarcasm is a form of anger and anger does no good...it doesn't change anything, it doesn't endear her to you, it doesn't help her see what a great guy she's missing...it's counterproductive, so it's good to keep a handle on it. Not that you won't feel it, not that you certainly aren't entitled to feel how you are feeling, because you are, but vent here, not to her, okay? I will listen to you and understand, trust me. I have been there, more times than I care to admit. But you are young, you WILL have a good life ahead of you, someone more deserving of your love and devotion. Try hard not to let this ruin you for the next one, okay? I know, it's a ways down the road before you can even think about that, but hang on to that little bit of hope. Try to spend some time with your friends or family and connect with them and try to have a good time, try not to spend too much time alone for a while, keep busy, it'll help you while you recover from this. I commend you for being the great BF you've been and for trying hard to deal with all of this, you are leaps and bounds ahead of her and it'll all work out for your best in the end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 I can't but feel sorry for her though, turns out she's got another funeral to go to tomorrow for one of her Dad's friends, and then obviously she's off to Ireland next week for her Dad. Why wouldn't she want me to get things out of the way? Why would she want to see me another day? Her heads all over the place, she said to me yesterday that she couldn't think of anything else other than the funeral tomorrow and her Dad's next week. I still don't understand a lot of what's going on, why she can be with friends but not me? I've only tried to be there for her, care for her. She's also talking about quitting College as well, she only has a month left until she finishes but nothing that I say now will effect her. Maybe once she's finally laid her Dad to rest she will start to see things a little differently again, but I can't wait for that now. I still want answers and I will get them one day. I finally removed everything from my bedroom of her, photo's etc have all been placed away and I've took all of her stuff back, so I'm ready to just focus on me right now, who knows what the future holds but right now she clearly isn't thinking straight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 When you're deep in the throes of grieving, you can't think straight or make good decisions. I can understand how college could be a bit much for her to concentrate on right now, it's a shame, but maybe she can finish next year if she isn't able to right now. She should talk to her advisor about it. You have been such a wonderful friend to her in spite of everything, and I don't understand her pushing you away unless she feels she just doesn't have anything in her right now to devote to a relationship. Only time will tell the outcome now. You are right to put away anything that's a reminder/trigger, I did the same thing. I didn't throw them away but stored them out of sight so I didn't have to deal with them. Yep, now it's YOU time. (((cyberhugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 But she can constantly go out with friends? Can constantly act okay on Facebook? Can go to work? The only things she can't do are go to College and see/be with me. I'm still no nearer to understanding and I can see me falling straight back down to feeling crap about things again very soon. It's hardly fair me expecting her to come to me and just reveal everything to me but it's not fair for her to not even give me anything at all to go on? She's said the minimal amount to me I feel, I can't focus on moving on until I get those answers, I wish I could but I can't. Dreams are still as strong as before, although I am sleeping better right now. I guess maybe I shouldn't have but I sent her an e-mail yesterday, I didn't make it about me or about us but mainly about Fern, hopefully she'll read it. I just don't know what to do anymore, I've tried, I really have, I was there, I took her places, I picked her up if she couldn't handle things at work etc, I brought her things that she wanted, tried making her smile, tried making her laugh, but where's that got us? After all come Tuesday she will have said her final farewell to her Dad, she must know I'm here for her, love and care for her it's just the way she acts so cold with me, maybe she feels it's easier to act normal with her friends? I don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 Maybe you really need to take to heart what I said about going dark. It will protect the little bit of love you have left for her and it will help her see what life is going to be like without you and also serve to help her miss you if she's going to. There is no understanding some things. I don't understand Jim's reaction either. And a lot of other people here haven't understood their similar situations. Each person/situation is unique even if similar in that we respond differently, have different perspectives, personalities, upbringings, coping abilities, etc. so therefore our responses will be different. Try not to press towards a certain outcome and accept that you are broken up and focus on your life now, not what was or what you wish it had been. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 I don't just love her a little, I haven't lost any love for her, I still love her as much as I've always done, I still want to be there for her. I've been out today with a mutual of ours, we talked quite a lot about things. Right now I don't really have much to say about things, I just don't know at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 I sense anger/frustration though and you will begin to lose love for her, little by little. I know you want to be there for her but your frustration/anger will grow the longer you see her with her friends but not with you, and this will lessen your love for her. You can only be there for her if she lets you and wants you to be. This is still early on, so it's understandable that you feel your love for her has not diminished. But after a few months of being shut out and hurt, it changes and you will rightfully want to put up a wall of protectiveness around your heart. A person only can and should take so much...I'm not saying you're there yet, but it's heading in that direction thus far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 I really don't know what to think at the moment, I feel bored and maybe if I had something planned then I would be doing okay. Fern leaves for Ireland on Monday, the service for her Dad is on the Tuesday and she's back in Leicester on the Wednesday. I just feel patience is key right now, I feel like I can stay in the background at least for now, Fern's worth it, I don't want to give up on her. Also, a friend of mine passed away this morning after a 10 year long battle with illness, we wasn't massively close and we hadn't spoken since February but we shared good times in the past. So R.I.P Andy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. You are right to extend patience for a time...I did that with Jim, for about 3 1/2 months or so, but when he started tugging my emotions up and down I decided it was time to call a halt to that as it was too tearing on me. It's good to love and care about them but we have to take care of ourselves too. Maybe you should call a friend to go do something with you? Is this a day off, are you in school, work, or what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 Well right now it's half 9 at night over here and so I'm not sure what to do right now. I got invited football but turned it down as I feel tired! I've been out today with one of mine and Fern's close friends, we went Pizza Hut and sat and talked about different things, including Fern. Apparently Fern wants to invite me out next week to her football presentation but we'll see what happens. I've been off work today, I'm also off Saturday and Sunday, although I'm going to be with friends for a large part of it. I haven't heard from Fern since yesterday at 6pm. I don't know if she's read my e-mail, but I believe she was at a funeral of one of her Dad's friends today. Was thinking of sending Fern a text on Monday morning just wishing her well whilst she's over in Ireland. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now