Tom19 Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Haven't heard anything from Fern since Thursday, really wanting to see her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Okay, you aren't going to break off contact with her, and you're not going to guard your heart, but at least if you do send her a text, keep it very short and simple, no "love you", no pressure, just "wishing you well" something like that, okay? You have to giver her a chance to miss you and if she doesn't, well, the relationship wasn't what you thought it was. Look out for YOU, yes go spend time with your friends. Even if all you mean is a platonic friendly "love you", it's too broad a term and can easily be misinterpreted, so be careful, okay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Okay, instead of texting her I went sleep for a hour, I don't want to contact her right now as I don't think I should, not until at least Monday like I planned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 8, 2011 Report Share Posted May 8, 2011 Good for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 8, 2011 Okay, something bad has happened. I went to see Fern. I had a massive argument with my parents and couldn't be on my own and I didn't know where to go. She said sorry but she couldn't talk and said that I should go for a drive to take my mind off things and that she wasn't in the position to give out advice. I said to her that I just wanted to sit there with her but she said that she couldn't and that I should just go for a drive, so I left her, she said sorry for not being able to help me and that she wished she could. Anyway I got to my car and she texted me saying; "Todays not a good day. Just do something to keep your mind off things. And I'll speak to you another day." I replied to her saying sorry for coming round and stuff. I know that I shouldn't have done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 8, 2011 Well things have gone from bad to worse, basically I've decided to say bye to her now. I sent her a e-mail explaining things, I've deactivated my Facebook etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 I'm sorry, I know this is hard, but I think you're doing the right thing. That doesn't mean that things can't change at some place down the road, but do not hope for that, go on about your life and let things play themselves out. Remember the two-fold purpose in "going dark" (absolutely no contact...no FB, emails, text, phone calls, no communication about her with her friends/family, etc.) is to 1) protect what love you still have for her (when you see her constantly rejecting you, it diminishes what you feel for her) 2) help her see what her life would be like without you. This is your best chance for her to see she misses you and it may take a year or it may not happen at all. In my case, Jim apparently just didn't want me. But I've seen other couples where it went the other way. Usually though, it's more rare that people get back together. Still, no two situations/couples are the same. I pray for quick healing for your heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 Thank you Kay. Fern's over in Ireland, she went today, the funeral is tomorrow. She didn't say bye or tell me she landed safely or anything like that, nothing at all. I just need to protect myself for now and by deleting Facebook I feel it will be easier, of course it will still be hard but I know I'll get there sometime in the future. This isn't me saying I won't be there for her, if she needs me then of course I would be but I don't hold much hope in that happening. I refuse to speak to anyone about her except my friends, the friends that don't know Fern personally and only know her as 'Tom's girlfriend' as nothing will be said to Fern that way. We still have things to sort out between us but I'll let her get in touch with me about that, I'm sure I can last without some DVD's and stuff for a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 When Jim broke up with me I went home and packed up everything of his and dropped it off with his roommate the next morning...it was more to protect me from triggers than anything, but perhaps she'll do something like that when she's ready. Right now I'm sure her mind is 100% on her dad. I am sorry this happened, I wish no one had to join the club I'm in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 Well we've already sorted the majority of the stuff out so it's only little things left. The funeral is tomorrow, she's back in Leicester on the Wednesday. It's going to be 2 weeks from today of no contact at all from me, then on the 23rd I plan to text her to get my things (this is if she hasn't already got in touch) and then she what's going on with her. But right now I'm taking care of me, for too long I put Fern first, I'd still do anything for her, and would love her to come back to me but I'd rather try and move on and then if she wants things back then I'll be in a much better position to deal with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 I love sitting here crying about a girl who doesn't want to talk to me or want me in her life anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 11, 2011 Report Share Posted May 11, 2011 This too shall pass... It sends an image that tugs at my heartstrings...oh the many a night I cried. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 11, 2011 Today was a better day. Been talking about making plans for a holiday with my friends in September too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 12, 2011 Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 That sounds like a good idea! I did the same thing when Jim broke up with me, a couple of weeks later I took some time off work and went and visited my little sister. It helps to get away and be with others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 Todays been another okay day, day 4 of no contact. I can see this weekend being bad though, I know she's going out tomorrow night so it makes me feel down again. No sign of her getting in touch either, really want to text her but I wouldn't know what to say and if she doesn't reply then I'll be back to feeling rubbish again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 She's still gone, isn't she? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 Sorry if this is stupid but I don't understand the question? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 Didn't she go to Ireland? Is she still over there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 Oh yes, sorry! Yeah she went on Monday but came back on Wednesday. I went on her Facebook page through a friends yesterday, apparently she's not drinking anymore after tonight, don't know if that means anything at all, maybe it will be the start of her getting a life back together? I've still not made contact with her, it's been 5 days now. Still struggling to deal with things, I went and joined a gym today though so hopefully that will begin to occupy me a little more over the coming weeks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 14, 2011 Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 Have you blocked her on FB so she can't find out info about you and you won't know what's going on with her? It'll be easier for her to miss you if she doesn't have a way to find out anything about you. I found out that when Jim broke up with me and went dark on me, he was still checking me out on FB all the time, seeing how I was...he doesn't post so that kind of left an unfair advantage...sometimes it's best to close the voyeurism gap. Try to close all cyberstalking doors. If she wants to know how you are she needs to make contact with you in person. It's not fair for her to have things both ways. It's great that she's declared stop drinking but that always means as much as the paper it's on...IOW, you can believe it when you see it. If that's contributing to where her head's at, you can't get anywhere relationship wise until she does quit. Joining a gym is a great idea! That is the sort of thing the experts recommend when you've had a break-up...working on yourself in a positive way, and health is one of those things we have some degree of control over so it can help your mindset as well as your body when you take back some control of your life. Good for you! PLUS it'll release endorphins that make you feel better and better able to cope with stress...a total win-win! AND it improves confidence and attraction, can't go wrong with that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 I've deactivated my Facebook so my profile won't show up anymore, I checked Fern's Facebook through a friends account. It will be a week tomorrow since we have spoke, and I feel that I'm doing well. I still miss her and still thing about her a lot of the time but I haven't cried since Wednesday I think. I haven't made any contact about her to mutual friends or her family either, I'm going to leave it for another week and then get in touch if she hasn't about sorting my stuff out. Maybe she might open up a little then although I don't expect it. Edit: Just got in from being with friends, currently 1:31am over here. I don't understand how I can be fine and then as soon as I'm on my own, bam! Things go bad again, I miss everything about her right now. It's been a week since I've heard a thing from her, and it's the little things like being able to send her any random little text and her just texting back calling me a geek or idiot or something. I can't do that no more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 You didn't have to deactivate your FB, a simple block would have sufficed...they don't tell the other person they're blocked, they just don't see you anymore. You probably shouldn't go to her site from a friend's FB because it prolongs your inner healing and it'd be good if you can be calm and collected when you next speak. I know it's hard to have the discipline not to peek, but it's in your best interest if you don't know what's going on in her life, for now. Perhaps in a few months when you've had more time for healing, you'll be able to be friends...the time period is different for everyone, some say a year, I was able to sooner with Jim because I'd accepted that we won't be together and I saw reason to be friends with him..w/o hoping for anything else. As long as you're still hoping it'll change...you can't be friends yet. You have to accept things first. Then if at some point anything changes you're in a more neutral zone to start over with a clear head. But personally, I wouldn't hope because it's too easy for that to mess with your head. Keep working out, keep seeing friends, keep busy! You're doing as well as can be expected... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 We have a huge amount of mutual friends that's the problem, so it was easier for me to just get rid of it all for now, I can easily retrieve it back by logging onto it again, so that's not a issue, it's just I didn't think just blocking Fern would do. It also cuts me off from her friends as well so they can't ask me questions about it all, that way no contact is truly no contact, which there hasn't been for a week now. Last night was the first time I've slept properly, I say properly, I woke up once at around 5am but then went straight back sleep, it's the first time I've managed that in 5 weeks! Things are getting there, I still miss her, care for her, love her but I feel like I'm dealing with things a lot better now. I feel like I'm starting to get a better understanding as to where she's coming from and why she did end things which makes it easier. I no longer hold any hope of her coming back to me really, purely because it made me feel rubbish when I was clinging onto it. Of course, if she wanted to talk about things and maybe look at a relationship then I would think about it, but I don't think I would jump at it anymore. Fern hurt me and then cut me out altogether, maybe because she felt guilty and wanted to protect herself too, although that's just a guess as we still haven't had the chance to talk about things. I don't know if it is different being each others first love, and the fact that we're only teenagers still, if things don't pan out for us then I'm not going to wish her bad, I understand I reacted wrong for the first two weeks after we broke up but I just couldn't go no contact straight away, it was too hard I thought when really I should have just left her and maybe things would be different right now, but we'll never know. The last thing I want to do is come across as selfish, I don't understand what she's going through right now, and so it would be unfair of me to wish for her to come back and miss me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 16, 2011 Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 You are doing so well, you really are. And it's hard to make that determination to go NC with someone you still love. It doesn't mean forever, it means right now while you're healing. Most say it takes a good year, but it wasn't as long for Jim and I, perhaps because of the uniqueness of our situation. I am glad I can still talk to him on the phone yet not hope to have things back the way they were...he has issues to work out and he's not in a state of readiness for a relationship with anyone, and likely never will be and I've accepted being alone. I think for a lot of people their first love will always be remembered fondly...for me that was not the case. I've gotten old enough now that I don't look at things through fairy tale eyes but live more in the now and with reality. Anyway, it will continue to get better for you, you are over the worst of the hump but don't be surprised if you have occasional setbacks...just know when you are going through it that it is to be expected and you'll feel better again. Never judge the future by how it feels today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 I actually broke my no contact today and texted her, I didn't say much just "Hope you're okay x" She didn't text back but it's not like I expected anything, just wanted her to know that I've not forgotten her. Also when I was at work today Fern's Auntie and Uncle popped in to say hello to me and see how things were going, which I thought was nice of them. I asked how Fern was and they said that sometimes she seems okay but others she isn't and that things are only just starting to calm down now after everything that's happened. I still need my stuff from Fern although I don't know if it's best for me to ask for it right now, I'm not entirely sure what to do. Anyway I'm off to the gym! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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