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Can't Get To The Good Memories

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Ten weeks tomorrow my love...Gene how can you be gone? Why can't I float in all the good memories we made together? Everytime I remember our special times my mind switches back to all the bad days you had to endure. Your looks of panic, despair, anquish, your tears.......they crowd every minute in my mind and won't let me get to the good memories. I know your suffering is over but I just can't get it out of my mind. I need to remember all the joy, all the love we share because it's all beautiful, so special. I've not dreamed once since you left.......why? I can't do things we used to do together...it hurts too much. I'm so lost without you here. It's not living..it's just existing. I love you Gene!

Always Gene!


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Ten weeks tomorrow my love...Gene how can you be gone?  Why can't I float in all the good memories we made together?  ....  I love you Gene!

Always Gene!



Your post touched me as they always do. I wish I could somehow lighten your heavy load of grief. sad.gif

It's been only 10 weeks since Gene has left his suffering behind, but believe me he has not left you and never will .

They tell us "it will get better" and I hope they are right, but for some of us it takes more time than others.

I found these thoughts elsewhere and thought I would share them with you today:

Now that Gene is gone,

remember him with smiles and laughter.

And if you need to cry,

cry with those who walk in grief beside you.

And when you need him,

put your arms around anyone

and give to them what you need to give to Gene.

There are so many who need so much.

he wants to leave you something --

something much better than words or sounds.

Look for Gene in the people he has known

or helped in some special way.

Let Gene live in your heart

as well as in your mind.

You can love him most

by letting your love reach out to your loved ones,

by embracing them and living in their love.

Love does not die, people do.

So, when all that's left of Gene is love,

give him away as best you can.

Adapted from an unknown author

My thoughts are with you today Evelyn.

I know that Gene and Jean are still with us and so sorry for the pain that we have. smile.gif

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This was beautiful...I copied it into Word and then replaced Gene's name with George's, for myself to read as often as I need to and try to remember what to do with this. I have so much love, so much pain, so much need, so much that I don't know what to do with.

Yesterday was two months since George passed away...I tried to go to this site but it wouldn't come up. Anyway, I'm trying to get a Grief Support Group going and I met the counselor for over two hours and he gave me a video and a thick syllabus to read over the next two weeks. He's going to give me training to be a facilitator, so that will be more homework when I get through these materials. It's taken me most of this time to get to the point where I could even read anything, I couldn't focus for any length of time. I got permission from my church for use of the library as a place for our group to meet, so I feel like everything is coming together. I hope when all is said and done that someone shows up and gets something out of it, I have to feel there is some purpose or anything good that can come from my loss, I hate to think it's all for nothing, it's hard enough even with a reason.

I just found out my daughter won't be with me this weekend and that was an unexpected change of events so that kind of dashed me, plus a "friend" cut me off unexpectedly a couple of days ago and that really hurt and I've had a lot to deal with; I couldn't help but feel how George would take me in his arms and pull me towards him, and make me feel cared about and loved...I miss that so much. So for both my need and all I have to give, this poem really speaks to me. My Soul Mate is out of my reach right now, I pour my heart out to him all the same, I write to him or cry to him, but all I have left in the world now is to try and reach out to others, whether it is a cry out to God or to try and be there for someone else. I pray I get through this somehow, it is still the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and I hate it, I'd undo it all in a second if I could, maybe that's selfish, but that's honestly how I feel...and yet, in reality, if I think real hard about it, as much as I want my Sweetheart back, I don't want him back if it means that he is miserable and suffering, and I don't see how he could be otherwise if it meant living with pain and unable to do the things he wanted to do. Working was so important for him to do, it was a really strong ethic inside of him, and I think how hard it would have been for him to adjust to being disabled. He loved helping people, and it would have been hard for him to accept that he couldn't any more. And since he is free of pain and in a better, happier place, I know that I need to somehow quit feeling sorry for myself and be glad for him and accept my lot in life, yet it's still hard. We have so many mixed feelings to work through, so much to process, and this really is hard work. It's hard to adjust to not having them here with us, and I don't think I've fully adjusted to anything yet, I'm still in the process and I'm not sure if there is ever an end to that process or if it just changes bit by bit as time goes one, but it seems to me like it will go on forever to some extent or other. It helps me to hear from people on this site, and I thank each and every one of you who have taken the trouble to expose your heart and all of your raw hurt to the rest of us, I know it takes effort and it takes courage, and it means something to me for it makes me feel...not quite so alone...not quite so crazy. I am thankful for those couple of friends who have been here for me, asking me to lunch, or calling and checking on me and listening to me. They have been my sanity and lifeline. God bless and be close to each of you.

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my mind switches back to all the bad days you had to endure. Your looks of panic, despair, anquish, your tears.......they crowd every minute in my mind and won't let me get to the good memories. I know your suffering is over but I just can't get it out of my mind.

I know and relate so much to what you say here...my husband, too, had a lot of suffering, I just didn't know all of the "why" until it was too late. I, too, am haunted by memories of all he had to go through and endure and my heart breaks for him, I want so much to tell him how sorry I am for all he suffered in this life. I want to tell him how much I love him. And it's not that I didn't, because I did, I loved him more than life itself and he well knew it...yet I feel that my all was still inadequate to express all that I feel inside for him, all that I wish he could have had. I wish so much to change all of the bad that he endured and I think that's why it haunts me. We had much love and beautiful memories shared between us and I now that we both loved each other and expressed it to the fullest of our capacity, and I want so much to move to the stage where I can embrace those memories with smiles instead of wishing for what is gone and cannot be...I cannot rewrite the past, I cannot turn his clouds into sunshine, but I know that it was enough for him that I WAS his ray of sunshine in a world full of clouds. He used to tell me that there was no place that he could let down and renew like he could at home, no place he felt more comfortable or more love. And it wasn't so much about the place, as much as he loved our home, as it was me...I was his home. I was the one who gave him comfort in this troubled world. I am the one that brought him peace and gave to him fully what he'd never had before. But I am human and as such, limited in my abilities, I couldn't protect him from everything, nor could I make everything better...and I think that is in part what I berate myself for. This is a man, whom I feel, deserved everything wonderful and good in life, and he didn't always get it...but I am not God and could not work miracles. He is in God's hands now and can receive all that is wonderful and good...and the One who has the power to work the miracles that I could not, is at last able to give him what I could not. So instead of being haunted by the memories of his suffering or my not being able to be there all of that last weekend that he died, or not being able to be by his side as he was ushered in to the next world...I need to rejoice for him for his pain is gone, and now every day to him is like it was at home, wonderful, loving, comforting, good...he always called it our "Home in the clouds" because we live in the country and it is beautiful here. He is in a place like that now and never has to leave it.

Good luck on your coming to terms with your memories of your husband's suffering, I don't know if anything I said helps or not, but please know that you are not alone in how you feel...and I know you are sick of hearing "in due time" but I believe that it is true that in due time you will be able to dream and look at your memories of good times and all that you shared and smile. This is just a painful long process and as much as we don't want to, we have to go through it. I am willing to go through it with you and my heart goes out to you.

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I am so sorry if I cause anyone one a second of pain with my outbursts. WaltC, your writings always bring me back to a "sane" place. KayC, sharing does confirm that no one at this site is alone at any given point in this journey. I'm still stuck in Gene's suffering....hoping that will pass. I've been in an obsession mode creating an album entirely made up on Gene's pictures...from baby pictures throughout his life. And going through them brought wonderful memories but then I reached the time when sickness became the unwanted part of our lives. And I've not been able to get passed it yet. I realized Gene's heart gave out but then I realized how much of his body was ravaged over the past years. How with each new diagnosis Gene fought so hard to stay with me...with his family he loved so much. Our oldest daughter was having a "bad" week last week and when she said..."Why did Daddy have to have so many things wrong?" it's just lingered in my mind...blocks everthing else out. I look at our wedding pictures and I can remember how happy that day was. And the love never quivered from that day...never faded...grew stronger through the years...through all the battles...and this wonderful man continued to give out his love to everyone around him. I was blessed...everyone around him was blessed to know him...he left a legacy of wonderful children and grandchildren who are who they are because of him. God could not have given me more.........I just wish. All of us left behind wish. I truly do not know how any of us survive this pain. I just know I wake up in the morning and start another day without my reason for being here. I wake up and think about all of us left behind trying to start another day....so many of us. And I hope this day brings us all another day closer to peace. So many wonderful people left behind, broken.

Thank you Gene for loving me

I miss you so much.

Always Gene!


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Ustwo and WaltC: You two were my map when I lost George...you were there just ahead of me, and I thought, if they can do it, so can I...not yet committed to surviving "life without", but "this one day without", a day at a time. Thank you for sharing faithfully, it's hard. Everything about this is hard.

One of George's friends asked for his CDs, said they shared the same music, this is someone who had provided him a "home away from home" and was very important to him. But when he first passed away I wasn't yet ready to part with ANYTHING, for any little thing I gave away was like giving away a part of him and seemed to bring him further away from me. But I knew George loved this couple. It has taken me all of this time just to even LOOK at his music. Saturday I finally began to tackle it...I spent hours and hours organizing it all, putting CDs with jackets, grouping it, making labels for those that were missing them. And I am slowly methodically, listening to those CDs, trying to find the message in them as to why he purchased that particular one in order to get closer to him, who he was. He commuted a long ways and spent a lot of time on the road, listening to that music. I didn't want to let go of any of them without listening to them first. A few CDs are missing and that pains me because a couple of them were his favorites, I know that, and it's a little like losing more of him.

This whole business is just so hard. I am supposed to be reading through the syllabus to get ready for the Grief Support Group I'm starting, and yet I find myself still doing the grieving myself and it takes time, lots of time. Good luck to both of you as you cope with the every dayness of your losses. You are special to me.

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