I Feel Like I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore.

[Chai]

Hi all,

The problem is just what my title says. I feel I've lost who I am. I don't know who I am anymore. I don' know if this is because of grief, or being in limbo jobless with nothing to do and too much time to think (or not think!), or what, but...I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I am so much less comfortable with talking to people these days, even people who are very near and dear to me, people who I used to be able to talk to about everything (a couple very special friends).

Some of it is that they are busy, but I think most of it is me. I don't call them, I don't visit them, and I don't talk to them about anything important. It's not that I don't want to. I do! I just don't actually do it. I thought it was laziness, but lately I've been studying myself a bit more and analyzing my interactions with people...I've noticed that, in addition to being a MAJOR people-pleaser, I seem to sortof change who I am according to who the person is that I'm talking to. I say what I think they want to hear.

It's disgusting. I hate it. I value honesty. I want to be myself, and I want to not be a human sponge. I want to be reacted to, not just the reactor. I want to be able to talk to people about stuff, not just listen. Lately I feel I have nothing to say to people. I don't even feel I'm as good as I was at showing my affection to others. These are wonderful people I want to hug and show my appreciation for. But I've just...lost my touch, or something. It's not that these are mean people who take advantage of me; I'm talking best buds from childhood and stuff. I guess you could say, I am very confused, maybe dead inside, empty, and the emptiness gets filled by my taking on the needs of others.

But I want to work on myself! Not others! I want to help me!! It's not selfish, it's my right. I want to be...me. Not some human sponge that does and says what others want. I think about this, but when I'm around people, even those I know and love, I get uncomfortable, and then I start saying and doings things according to them, isntead of according to what's inside of me. It's like I lost the ability to listen to my heart when my dad died or something.

Please help me out. Identity crisis here. I really don't know what to do.

take care,

Chai

[pinkpony]

I totally understand the identity crisis. I lost my dh/bff of 30yrs 6 months ago & I thought I knew who I was, a very strong independent woman, but now that he's gone & my children are grown I'm finding out that I was all of those things because of them. I've always been the "encourager of others" always giving pep talks & positive words even during my dh's battle w/ cancer(I was his caregiver) & my world was crumbling, but now that the fog has lifted & reality is setting in I need people to give those words to me. I have no patience for peoples problems now I want to scream & say "at least you can still fight w/ him & make up". I don't think its selfish at all to work on ourselves right now, not saying we should be mean, but its ok to take the time & figure out who we are w/o these people who played such an important role in our lives. I know that I'm still a strong independent woman under all this pain & confusion & I have chosen to take the time I need to find that girl again. Don't let others choose how you're going to grieve & continue the fight to rediscover yourself again.

[BellaRosa]

Pinkpony, I can relate with this so well:

I have no patience for peoples problems now I want to scream & say "at least you can still fight w/ him & make up".

Ever since my mom passed, I have had very little patience for other people and their problems. It especially irks me when my friends -- or anyone really -- complains about their mom. I just want to scream at them to be grateful that they still have one! I'm sure you feel the same way about other women and their husbands.

I think it's good to take time and focus on ourselves. After a loss, our entire world has changed and I think it's natural that we would need to do some soul-searching and rediscover who we are and what we want.

Erin

[Lilac]

have u always been a people pleaser or just recently?

[Anne E]

Chai, I totally understand a bit of what you are feeling. As care providers and now survivors, we have not had much choice but to take are of others and give much thought about ourselves as individuals.

Before Dick's health began to fail rather rapidly, our parents health failed. First his mother who struggled with diabetics, then died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack. His father was diagnosed with Alzheimers and failed very rapidly. Finally my father who died of a brain tumor. As Dick's health was going down hill, I had no choice but to step up and not only take over the "running of our household and related issues", but also be his advocate with doctors, other medical people and issues, but also similar issues related to our parents and his adult, mentally handicapped brother.

I also continued to work full time as we were covered by health insurance through my employment and the income was necessary.

When I look back, I now realize just how exhausted, mentally and physically, I had become. As my grief counselor pointed out, over ten years of that will take a toll.

I have spent over two years since Dick's death trying to figure out just what in the world I am going to do with ME??? I don't know what I'm interested in, I don't know what I want most of the time. I decide I'll go to an event, then want to walk right out the back door. Things that I used to enjoy doing, I now realize I enjoyed doing with Dick. Now I just miss him. I resent having to make all the decisions by myself with no one to discuss them with. I amaze myself at how indecisive I am. How in the world did I take care of Dick? How did I make those decisions when he was on life support? Why do I now freak out if I need a plumber or the car makes a strange noise??? And on and on.

It makes me crazy when I am in a group and hear couples complain about each other, or pick on each other, or just be down right rude to each other. I want to scream at them, "You will be so very sorry then he/she is not around any more." My lack of patience really surprises me.

Before Dick's death, I did lots of things that I did not want to do. I did things because it made other people happy; I did not have the nerve to tell people no or I felt it was expected of me. About 6 months ago, I started doing a bit of volunteering. I have stuck to my mantra "I will only do what I want to do and if I find I'm not enjoying myself, I'm outta here, because I've earned that right!!!"

I am learning to Just Say No and am learning to enjoy time just spent alone with myself. I have never been able to do that well and am discovering that I enjoy me.

This is just rambling, but I do want you to know that you are not alone. I'm right there with you. Today just happens to be a pretty good day for me, who know how I will feel tomorrow.

Hang in there!

Anne

[niamh]

hi Chai,

(((BIG HUGS))) to you hun, I can sure relate to some of what you are feeling too.

I so get the feeling of being less comfortable talking to people. I've always been very outgoing, chatty, would talk to anyone no problems. Now I cannot stand being around people I don't know, sometimes I feel like I just don't have the patience for the chit chat, who cares about the weather ya know ?

I'm sorry you feel it too with those special friends though. Sometimes I have a hard time calling anyone, but for me it's more like a trust thing and fear of "rejection" (using that term lightly here), I'm afraid to ask people do meet up or do anything because of the fear of them saying no. When people do make general arrangements a lot of the time I am simply waiting for the cancellation or changing plans because I feel like I don't trust anyone anymore...........if my Dad said he would do something, he would move Heaven and Earth to do it, never let me down so I guess now that I've had the ultimate "let down" from him it makes me think everyone else will most likely end up letting me down too even with the small things so it's easier not to expect anything.

I definitely get the not having anything to say to people. I've been like that quite a lot the last 2 weeks, I've had a rough 2 weeks with a funeral and family party I had to attend so they were emotionally draining. I found myself just wanting to be completely alone the last couple of weeks, wondering whether to call any friends but I didn't because I found I didn't know what to say, I had nothing to say ........I think I just so badly needed my Dad, he was the only one I wanted to talk to.

Do you find the feeling of not having anything to say comes and goes or is it there all the time now ? I find it comes and goes......maybe after weeks of faking it on the outside not talking much about whats going on inside I get to the point of not wanting to talk at all because it's like I'm just all out of thoughts or there's so much in there I don't even know where to start.

Do you know why you think you say things people will want to hear ........do you feel like you need support from people and you're not getting it from them?

I'm so sorry for the confusion you feel.

keep talking with us here Chai,

hugs, love and comfort to you !

Niamh

x

[BellaRosa]

Niamh -- I also have moments where I don't want to talk to anyone at all, even close friends and family. Like you said, who cares about the weather? I don't want to chit chat, I want to talk about my mom and how I'm feeling, but sometimes it seems like it's not worth the effort. I find it hard to really make myself understood to people who haven't experienced a loss like this, so it's easier to just NOT talk about it at all. At least I know I can come here and "say" just about anything and at least one person will understand exactly what I mean!

Erin

[emptyinside]

Chai,

Your post was so similar to my feelings that I thought I'd posted this myself and just forgot I had! I'm having an identity crisis myself, and it's such a weird and uncomfortable feeling. I'm such a people-pleaser myself now. I guess that comes from being so insecure and afraid of life. I feel like a walking cliche. I don't know who I am anymore. But it's so true. This crisis makes even the most simple tasks difficult because I just don't know how to handle anything anymore. If you don't know who you are, you don't know how you should act to Incident X, Y or Z.

I don't feel like talking about meaningful things to people because, like niamh said, there's that fear of rejection or disappointment. But sometimes I do want to, too. Confusing, huh? But I only want to if I can get a guaranteed positive and nurturing response, which of course cannot be predicted, especially when you speak to those who haven't had a loss. Then the non-speaking kills me slowly inside. Catch-22, I guess. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

[Lilac]

Hi Chai,

I can definitely relate to this, I feel the exact same way and I'm sorry you are going through the same thing..

I think we're never going to be the exact same person again after losing a loved one.. our lives are literally different and the way we see things from now on.. we didn't ask for this, but change comes whether we're ready for it or not.. and I think we're just very vulnerable because of our loss that we're afraid to reach out to others for fear of any sort of rejection cause anything is too strong for us to handle right now. Most ppl say that their 'friends' haven't been supportive, all the more reason to keep you yourself nowadays.. and I think that's ok, there's only so much you can handle that it's ok to feel you need to be by yourself and sort these feelings out w/o others barging in to give their two cents or make you feel worse. These events really force you to look at who you really are..

It's probably the last thing you want to even worry about now, but it's not necessarily a bad thing I'm finding out.. I always do what others want, please them and never acknowledge how I feel about anything to the point where I don't even KNOW what my opinion is on anything! I'm in the process of learning who I really am and I plan on growing from this experience.. Be your own best friend and try to not worry about others so much and just worry about you =) Do what's right for you and don't be hard on yourself, you have the right to feel like it's all about you right now and be ok w/the idea your feelings are confusing.. nothing really makes sense right now.. and there's nothing wrong w/that.

This is a great site to find strength in discovering who you are or the new you, take care

[Chai]

Dear all,

I've been away from my town and the Internet for the past few weeks, and now I'm back. I wanted to reply to all of you, and give more of my thoughts on this.

Pinkpony and BellaRosa, I think you have articulated part of this whole grief identity crisis problem...we think that we are who we are regardless of those around us, but when we lose our loved ones, we realize that those people helped form who we are. So who are we supposed to be, without them? I guess I'm supposed to have figured out the answer to this question/problem, since I'm going on 3 years now, but...I don't think I have, really.

Also...I agree with what you both are saying, that we should work on ourselves. We need to. It's important!

Lilac - good question. I think I've always been a people pleaser, but I thought I'd kicked it out somewhat. Lately though, I've noticed the people-pleasing more, so perhaps I haven't kicked out the problem as much as I thought. I'm definitely more outspoken than I was as a child, or a teenager, yet...I still do and say things according to what I think others want to hear, more than is necessary or healthy, I think.

Anne (((hugs))), that sounds like so much to go through. I say 'sounds' because I haven't done that myself and can't claim to understand what it is like to be the one who manages crises. I think it is amazing and applause-worthy when anyone steps up to the plate like that; I myself didn't handle anything when my dad was ill, I just sortof...freaked out inside myself.

Anne, you are echoing what a lot of here are feeling. We don't know what to do with ourselves, but we feel that we should work on it, on ourselves, and we have that right.

Where the hell to start though? Pardon my language, it's just...I really had thought I'd been getting better at not being a people-pleaser; but I haven't, really, just got better at noticing it, or quashing it. I want to CHANGE it though, to change that habit, to make it gone for good.

niamh - As always, you are sweet, and you make me want to give you big big (((HUGS))) back! I can relate to what you are saying about rejection. I feel like perhaps that is what lies at the core of my people-pleasing and my confusion about myself. Fear of failure, fear of rejection. Like what you are experiencing. I just want someone to really really love me and accept like my dad did, haha. But now I have to stand up for myself a bit more, I guess. And the more love I give, hopefully the more I get from others, right? I just have to be honest with myself, and giving and loving...like my dad.

But it's one thing to say it and another to do it. niamh, I think the feeling of wanting to talk or not comes and goes, yes. BellaRose again and em - thank you for caring. (((HUGS))) It is a confusing Catch-22 jumble, it is.

Lilac - yes, that's exactly it. I have to worry about myself sometimes, and especially right now, I need it. And I have to stop beating myself up (mentally) about things so much! I do that way too much.

You are all so caring and wonderful. Thank you so much!

[Chai]

My two weeks away were good. I went to help out with a temple in a city I never thought I'd consider living in - Los Angeles, aka "hell A", also the place my father and grandmother passed on. During my stay at the temple, I was surrounded by loving, kind people, who were focused and knew what they wanted in life - spirituality, God consciousness, love - and all they did was work towards that. Problems, they dealt with. They lived so simply. They lived in the present - day to day.

I started to live day to day during my stay there...and realized, wow. I like this. It works for me! I am usually so good at worrying, and I think too much about the future and make all these "what if"s. While at the temple, I was freed from this burden. Living from day to day was a great release. I want to do it more.

I've decided, I want to be more honest with myself and others. I think over the past week or so I've gotten a tad better at catching myself when I'm about to say what someone wants; I pause to think, "Is that what I really feel?" and I say what I really feel. It has caused one argument with a friend, but when she replied to me angrily, I replied honestly again, but a little kindlier, and it helped. We have since made up.

I have also determined that the people who just don't really care or don't lend anything to my life - the "hi, how are you?" smalltalk people, the old high school friends who suddenly want me to come to their weddings/graduations/whatnot, I'm cutting them out. I want to live life fully, and I don't want to worry and think about tons of people who are just on the side. I want to just have the people with me who really count.

That includes all of you, of course! =D You guys are wonderul. I thank you all so much for all of your care, love, sensitivity, honesty, confiding, sharing, everything. I will keep posting here, and ((((((((HUGSS!!)))))) to all of you.

take care,

Chai

[Daughter2010]

Hello Chai!!!

Long time no see!..good to hear from you. I agree with what has been said here. From my experience I can tell you, there is no point in saying or doing what others expect you to do, if it doesn't make you happy or if it does not reflect who you really are.

People will always have an opinion about you..good or bad, that is just the way it is. What is the point in pleasing others if you are no happy with it? I don't think it is a selfish act, quite on the opposite.

Each one of us were given talents, and have a particular personality for a reason. We are unique and if we are not being ourselves, then we cannot serve or help others because we are not giving 100% of who we really are.

It is only when we are ok with ourselves that we can truly give to others, we can enjoy doing,helping,serving people. I know it sounds cliche but it is true: If we are happy on the inside, it will reflect on the outside and others. Disagreements can also bring others to think about themselves, to see things in a different perspective.

If we stop being who we are, then it seems as if our purpose in life is not being fulfilled.

If I am not happy with a situation or a person, I have learned to take action. It has taken me time, and a lot of thought.

Grief has brought us to a journey of self discovery. It is not that we are not being ourselves, but rather we are in the process of adjustment to this new situation. We will not get over a loss, we begin to see things in a different perspective.

Do I miss my father? Oh you bet. He is in my mind every single day. There are days I feel his absence even more, when I would like some advice or just to talk to him. These past 18 months I feel as if I had been dormant, just existing, trying to understand what I am supposed to do next. There are days I look up to the future with some uncertainty, but this much I know: The dreams, hopes and goals are planted in us. We have to try to push forward.

If looking too far ahead seems too much to handle at this time, then take things one day at a time. Just make sure every moment, every hour, every day is meaningful to you.

The reality of life is that today we are here, tomorrow is promised to no one. A full life is not measured by the number or years, but rather by the number of meaningful moments we have lived or experienced. I am sure that is what our loved ones want us to do. I also know, they know we may struggle from time to time. We are not perfect. But have to go on.

Chai, I am glad that trip helped you put things in perspective.

We all go through those crisis from time to time. We need to remember to reach inside of us to find ourselves all over again.

In grief there is no magic recipe or solution to our struggles but each one of us learns to discover the best way to handle situations. It is part of us being unique!

You can't properly take care of others if you don't take care of yourself first (I have been reminded of this and it is true).

A big hug for you Chai,and to all of you guys. I am grateful I have people like you who can relate and understand.

Much love,

-L

[Rhonda123456]

The problem is just what my title says. I feel I've lost who I am. I don't know who I am anymore. I don' know if this is because of grief, or being in limbo jobless with nothing to do and too much time to think (or not think!), or what, but...I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

I can relate to what you're saying, Chai. My mom just died on May 27 after about 1-1/2 years of being bedridden due to end-stage Alzheimer's. I had been living with her and taking care of her since 1994, but never expected her to get Alzheimer's since no one in our family ever had it. I don't regret taking care of her at all, but the demands of caregiving got more and more intense until everything else was crowded out, even holding a job. It's impossible to maintain a good attendance record through repeated hospitalizations and constant medical crises.

I think not having a job to return to when your loved one dies makes it harder because there is no familiar routine or group of coworkers to give you any sense of normalcy. I'm sure many people end up in the same boat, especially with so many people dying from Alzheimer's and other long, drawn-out illnesses that make it impossible to work and caregive at the same time.

I did feel a sense of relief the day mom died, but almost instantly I was overwhelmed by the most horrible feeling of emptiness I have ever experienced. I felt utterly alone in the world. The house was deadly silent and all of a sudden ordinary objects took on a very painful quality. Things formerly associated with pleasant emotions suddenly acquired the ability to inflict intense pain every time I looked at them.

As far as my sense of self, I feel like a cloud of ether right now, just a formless, shapeless cloud of floating pain. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone in suffering from a loss of identity when a loved one dies.

[Chai]

Dear friends,

To Daughter2010, you've said everything that I've been mulling over recently...I have been reading, and hearing from dear friends, the very same thing. Think about myself. Care for myself. Don't try to change others; work on yourself. Don't worry about others. Listen to what's inside you. It's hard enough working through you, why try and work on other people? Focus on you.

What you said is very powerful. You said it so beautifully!

If we are happy on the inside, it will reflect on the outside and others.

The reality of life is that today we are here, tomorrow is promised to no one. A full life is not measured by the number or years, but rather by the number of meaningful moments we have lived or experienced. I am sure that is what our loved ones want us to do. I also know, they know we may struggle from time to time. We are not perfect. But have to go on.

I think that is so true. It is a struggle, and this must be acknowledged. But we know and our loved ones know, this is hard. It's okay that it's difficult, we just have to keep trying, to try and be ourselves, and find out who we are again...

I feel I have been getting better. I've been saying what I feel more, and when I feel that urge to say whatever it takes to avoid rejection, I quash that impulse, and instead, I go with what comes from my heart. I think this is how my dad did things, and said things, and I want to be like that. I think he would be proud of me. I feel I am really on a journey of self-discovery here. I thought I had already discovered myself, knowing what I want in life, job I want, passion, etc. But...nope. It's all getting revamped lately.

I actually like getting revamped. It hurts sometimes, and it hurts when things I say or do don't please others...but the overall feeling is happiness that I am being true to myself, and that I am being honest. I want to be an honest person. And it feels good, and harmonious within myself, to speak my mind. Finally! I've repressed myself for years, always saying what *others* want to hear. Now I am done with that.

Rhonda, ((((((((HUGS))))))))))), I am so sorry for your loss and pain! You are hurting right now. I know how even seeing those small things can hurt; they become big, because they hurt so much just to see them. You know you have us. There is a sense of relief when the turmoil ends, but it opens to the new turmoil of grief...it's like life is molding out a new form for us, cutting away some parts and building up others. It is painful. But you are not alone in the pain and the confusion, and I think if we just keep going and know we have help, we will come out the other side, and be able to make our loved ones proud.

take care all,

Chai

[Kathey]

Hi Chai!

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I can so relate! I lost my husband in April and since his death, I feel like I'm walking around in such a fog. I work in full-time ministry and have had to take a part-time job and taken over my husband's property management business to make ends meet. In order to stay in my home, I had to get a roommate. It's all just sending me over the deep end. I can't focus on my work, I'm very depressed, and I'm constantly sick. The night before my husband got sick, I wrapped up a 3 year intense pastoral ministry program and had given my final dissertation. The next morning, my husband got very sick and I rushed him to the hospital and our nightmare began. He died just 4 weeks later. Suddenly I'm a young widow and am having a very difficult time moving forward.

My one saving grace is that I have a deep faith and serving others, especially the poor and the sick, brings me great comfort. But it doesn't take away the pain of losing a man who I have adored and loved for 25 years. My new roommate is very lonesome and wants to be best buddies. I just met her in June and I'm NOT ready to be best friends with anyone! She's made my husbands recliner her favorite chair, she's taken over his desk, she never leaves the house, and my dog Jack seems to like her more than me. So like you, I'm finding myself withdrawing and unable to open up to even those who I am closest to. I feel so selfish and cry all the time. I should be so grateful for having a job(s), being able to stay in my home (at least for now), and to be surrounded by wonderful friends and a strong faith community. But none of it takes away the huge hole in my heart and the gigantic void in my life. If one more person says "well, he's in a better place", I may clobber them! I want to say "well, I don't care--I want him back here at my side!" Unfortunately, I know that can't happen. And I feel that in order for his soul to be at peace, I need to let go and know that one day we will be reunited. And I DO know he's in a better place!

I know you're struggling with your identity and I just want you to know that you're not alone. Where I get into trouble with my identity is when I have too much time on my hands. That's when the depression and bad thoughts about feeling inferior creep in. What helps me is writing in my journal, reading an uplifting book, getting out and serving others who are so much worse off than me, and prayer and meditation. When my husband passed away, my aunt gave me a daily devotional titled "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. Her reflections are so awesome and they never fail to speak right to my heart and help me put a positive spin on my day. Another suggestion is to go to sleep at night doing the ABC's of gratitude. Just start with the letter A and think of a word that starts with that letter that you are grateful for. For example, A--Amanda, a good friend who I'm very grateful is in my life; B--beauty in the mountains that surround me; etc. When I do this, it helps me fall asleep peacefully and end my day on a positive note (and I never seem to get past the letter G! Lol).

I hope that helps. I will really be praying for you and hope things turn around for you very, very soon. There IS a brighter day ahead--I promise. God bless you!

Kathey

[Raindrop]

"People pleasing" is referred to by counselors as codependency.

There are many symptoms of it.

One of which is that one person becomes too emotionally dependent on another person, or the other person becomes the center of their universe.

I'm not a great fan of the book "Boundaries" by authors Townsend and Cloud, but any of you who have problems with people pleasing might want to read that for help on how to stop looking to other people too much to get fulfillment and all your needs met.

(Other people will always fail you, because they are flawed - and of course, they sometimes leave you due to death, or whatever other reasons).

That Boundaries book, and ones like it, and any number of free online articles (such as this one), will also help you learn to be assertive and stop allowing other people to walk all over you.

For those of you who had to be around your dying loved one 'round the clock (because you were the sole caretaker), I realize that's another issue altogether, you can't help but get wrapped up.

I was talking about other kinds of relationships, though.

Someone up above mentioned that volunteering did not cheer her up or help her.

Thank you! I related to that.

I've tried volunteering myself, and I hated it. I've never been a "people person."

I'm introverted and get panic attacks when having to meet new people.

I am a Christian, but I am so sick and tired of other Christians who pop off the tired cliches at me when I tell them I'm hurting,

(such as, "Think about other people more!,"

"Volunteer at homeless shelters, and you'll feel better,"

"You're thinking too much about yourself, think about serving others and God more!," etc.

I feel like hitting those people.

They think they're helping, but they're being obnoxious.)

:angry2:

Someone said,

I feel like I'm walking around in such a fog.

I'd rather be in that stage of grief again, personally.

For me, the first six months after Mom died, I felt numb (like I was in a fog, like it wasn't really happening, it was just a bad dream I'd awaken from).

After the first 6 months, that was when the sheer pain kicked in, I felt like I had a knife stabbing me in my heart, and I'd curl up in a ball on the bedroom floor and sob.

I think I preferred the "Numb" phase to that one.

[bea2011]

dear chai, i am new to posting and this site. a little shy in expressing my feelings for fear of rejection, but i to feel like you do. i took care of my mother for almost 5 years. the last year she had lung cancer and died jan 12010. it was a difficult year for me and i lost time for me.i forgot who i was. then my husbands copd got worse and he difficulty doing things, but he was my rock when i had to take care of my mother. he was always there when i need a helping hand or just someone to talk to or respite from the course of cancer my mom was going thru. then on june 16 he had what is thought to be a stroke and then a fall were he hit his head in the bathroom. there i found him unconcios and not breathing i did cpr and he started to breathe. the emts came and took him tthe hospital there he progressively got worse and died. there was no good byes. i`m a nurse and took care of people all my life and now i feel like i don`t know how to take care of me, or who i am , just lost, without my best friend to help me because he is gone.i know now i must take time for me to heal and find myself. i just pray that god gives me the strenght to do so, and i will pray that he helps you. sharon