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I had a few "good" days, days when I was not in constant pain and was able to DO some things. But there's always this thought: why am I still here? Why should I live and how can "they" expect me to live and be happy while this life ended for him. Oh I know we all have to die someday, some young, some old, and I know that a lot of people die young, including so many children - but I still feel it's NOT FAIR!!! He didn't have a chance to have children, which is something he really wanted. There are so many things he will be missing. Why should I live, why should I have ANY good moments, ever???? I know, you'll probably say the same thing as I would say to you, that is that he (would) want(s) me to be happy, and I am sure if it was me who died, I would want him to be happy. But it's just not fair that he had to die and I at least have a chance to live, though I don't really want to.

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Why should I live, why should I have ANY good moments, ever????

Oh Spela, you are so right, it is NOT "fair"! There is nothing fair about any of us losing our spouses, but it seems to me even less fair when it is someone young. We feel we are entitled to an average life expectantcy, but that doesn't always happen. Many are born into unfairness, many die unfairly. But as to your statement quoted above, you should have some good moments because you are alive; you are not responsible for his life ending prematurely, and you shouldn't have to pay for it. You are entitled to some good moments by the sheer fact that you did survive and you are surviving. We have to have something good here. It seems like it isn't too good when we compare it to the way it used to be, but then it may never seem that good again. However, we can help ourselves out by taking a look at what is good in our lives or around us and making note of it. For me, that is largely an appreciation of nature. But there are days I don't see anything good and nights that are even worse. Still, I try. I know that our focus and attitudes plays a huge role in how we fare in our survival. Some days I pass, some days I'm sure I fail. But we keep going. And you're right, he would want you to have some happiness...so would my husband. Just how that is possible I have not figured out yet. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. Hang in there.

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Oh Spela, I hope the pain eases for today. There never is a completely "ok" day...just little bits of the day. There are days when none of us can put that one foot forward. I too am taking steps backwards, asking why, replaying moments, wishing I could have just more minutes with Gene. All our plans gone in an instant. A future I don't want to be in. What am I supposed to do with a day that starts out at 3:00 in the morning because I can't get pictures of his last day out of my mind, of all the things I could have done differently. I have to keep telling myself how blessed I am to have this love in my life even if the pain is unbearable at times...most of the time.

Spela, I wish you and all of us left behind a better day than yesterday. Our angels are with us all.

Always Gene!

Always!

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Thank you for your replies.

KayC, I have to think about your words. I thinks it's difficult to accept the thought that I could ever be happy, as I don't really want to be? Only when I dream about him. I had such wonderful dreams, I was so happy and so safe in his arms. SOOOO happy in my dream. I wish I had such dreams more often.

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Spela,

I think most of us don't really want to be happy because we feel if we let go of any of our grief, it's like we're letting loose of them or diminishing how important they were to us. So we hang on to it to stay connected with them. At least, I know I feel that way, like I'd be betraying him somehow. And the second part to that is that we truly don't know how to be happy. I don't like the aloneness, the lack of purpose, the being overewhelmed, any of it. This encompasses every aspect of our lives! I think what's got me is I don't see a solution. Usually I can tackle problems and figure out a solution and then map out a plan with which to accomplish it. But in this case, I am stymied. So I don't like the situation I'm in and I don't see a solution. All I know to do is to try not to look at the big picture, it's too much, and to just tackle little steps at a time, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Time will take care of itself, I have to release "time" and quit worrying about my future. Which is new to me. I feel out of control of everything, which I don't like. So I take control of what I can, like what I eat or getting myself healthy physically. Or taking care of the house. But even that feels like too much for me. But you're making progress even just considering and pondering things...hang in there Spela. We can't see the future, we can just tackle today. And be thankful for your dreams, I don't have them and I wish I could. But when I imagine his arms around me, I feel his presence.

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