8-5-05

[illuminator]

I lost my Mom to cancer on 8-5-05. She was diagnosed 11/04 with stage 4 cancer - they originally thought she had Veritgo - sent her home with antbiotics and two weeks later she still didnt feel well. She went out of pocket to her Neurologist (sp) and he did an MRI. He found 7 brain tumors. Days later she had another MRI with contrast and found 30+ more celestral (sp). They took a biospy and found that the cancer orginated in her lungs - but there was NO trace of it. Doctors were baffled.

As my Mom progressively got worse about January- I quit my job and other volunteer "jobs" and spent my time with her. My Dad was by my Moms side 24/7, Unless I was there then he would run out.

The months were hard, she walked less and less. We were to the point somedays of feeding her and physically picking her up to use the comode.

The thing is - my Mom was my BEST friend. I'm 35 and I have friends - but everything about her and I was unconditional. She was my confidant, my mentor, she was my boys Nana. I NEVER prepared myself this. I thought I did - I read books (Final Gifts) and prayed. I would talk with her - I asked her what she wanted done, but I never talked her her about death. She did tell me she was ready - but that was in the beginning.

I have NO regrets, I was with my Mom in her last moments. "I told her I would take care of the family, its ok to go" BUT, its not.... I'm hurting so much that I cannot focus on daily chores. I keep going only due to my kids, I swear if it wasnt for them - I would be on the couch (crying) 24/7. I force myself to do things. I get on these cleaning binges and I just go with them. I figure, I better or laundry just wont get done on my "down" days.

I worry about my Dad - they were married 42 years. He is telling me that he has to switch the will over to me now - which I tell him I dont want to talk about. My 5 year old is acting out - which I understand is normal, my 9 year old is always checking up on me.

I have been reading trying to help myself, I'm even listening to tapes from Van Praggh (sp). My Mom was a big John Edwards fan - I'm hoping she will visit me soon.

I did get myself a windchime - when I hear it I say hello to her...

I just ordered a book off the internet "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" are there any other books anyone can recommend?

I know my post is long - but this is my 1st. My story is actually longer - but I think you get the jist of it.

Any support you can offer is greatly appreciated!

illuminator

[avsqr_dancer]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss of your mother. It is very difficult and painful. My mom died on June 18, and my dad died less than 2 months later on August 13th. Suddenly I am an orphan and floundering. My mom's death was sudden. But my dad was in the hospital for a week and a half before he died. The last time I saw him, I also told him that it was okay to let go and be with mom and that we'd (my brother and I) be okay. I never thought I could say those words, but he was suffering, and there was nothing left that they could do for him. He died several hours later. Like you said about your mom, my dad gave me unconditional love and support. I do not have any children, but I do have a wonderful husband and 2 precious puppies. But it is a struggle and I empathize with your pain. I have read the book you ordered from the internet. The book is very good, but it really does deal more with loss due to the breakup of a relationship, rather than death-although it mentions those losses too. I read Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul which had some inspirtational stories. I also saw something in the bookstore-I don't remember the name-but it was basically daily meditations on loss, death, and dying. I may pick it up. Anyway good luck on your painful journey, and if you feel like talking more feel free to email me.

avsqr_dancer

[Guest SSStowe]

Dear Illuminator, I feel your pain. My mom died June 3rd at the ripe of age of 87. And still my grief is raw.

Unlike your own mum, mine was emotionally unavailable and certifiably nuts most of her life. It wasn't until she was in her 70s that a doc actually listened to her and put her on antidepressants. It helped a great deal, but there were still some pronounced idiosyncracies family members could see.

Mom lived near my younger sister who blamed Mom for a rotten childhood. As Mom grew more fragile, the sister grew more resistent to providing care and support. It was as this time, 3 years ago, that I moved her across the country to be with me in Phoenix.

So many times during that first year, I empathized with my sister as Mom could push some emotional buttons like none other. Still, we persevered and when Mom moved into an independent living apartment with other seniors, she flourished. I fixed up her apartment, bought her presents, and visited frequently. As her health declined, I was a daily visitor in one hospital or another and finally in a nursing home.

Both of us remarked over the 3 years we had together that we wouldn't trade this opportunity for anything. It had been since high school (I am now 62) since we had lived in the same town. Mom apologized many times for not being the best mum when we were younger. I was able to fogive her and to love her as I never had.

Her loss is palpable to me and I never got the dream or the bird signal she promised. I just know I miss her dear self so many times during the day. But on top of the grief, there is gratitude for the 3 year gift we gave ourselves. I love you, Mummy.

Susan

[STARKISS]

HI I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ALL FEELING, I TOO LOST BOTH PARENT IN A MATTER OF FOUR MONTHS. MOM DIE OF HEART FAILURE WHILE ON VACATION THIS WAS IN APRIL OF 2005. DAD DIE AUGUST 25, 2005 ON NON HODGKIN'S LYMPHOMA. I TO AM NOW A ORPHAN AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO FEEL. I FEEL LIKE I FLOATING AND I DO NOT REALIZE I HAVE LIFE IN ME TO LIVE. I TRY TO COPE ONE DAY AT A TIME. I GUESS THAT IS ALL ANY OF US CAN DO. TAKE CARE ALL AND GOD BLESS. P.S. I AM NOW ALSO PUTTING MY LIFE INTO BOXES BECAUSE I LIVED WITH MY PARENTS FOR THE PAST 40 YEARS AND NOW HAVE TO MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE.