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Feeling The Need To Shake The Sadness


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friends,

Another former student came in today to talk to my journalism students about college and his life now as a working journalist. He runs a small weekly shopper for a much larger chain. He was self-assured, articulate, and held the kids in the palm of his hand, And as I sat there I remembered the shy terrified boy who entered my classroom as a high school sophomore. He was one of those kids who became one of our children.

He stayed afterwards and talked to two of my reporters about freelancing for him, then did an interview for a feature story for our paper next week. Then we caught up with what he has been doing since he graduated and exchanged bits of news about other students from his era. One is just back from studying photography in London. Another just graduated and has landed a job with a solid mid-level daily paper.

And we talked about Jane and what she had meant to him--how she had gotten him to see the world beyond words and sparked an interest in trying to understand what science was and where it is going. He said he is never going to be doing science, but that he frequently reads books on science because of the passion she gave him for knowledge.

This afternoon was our annual Memorial Garden Ceremony where we all go outside to the garden the kids started six years ago as a place to remember those we have lost to disease and accidents. Our principal spoke--and she almost lost it for the first time I can remember when she talked about losing Jane. She lost her brother to cancer the week before she started at our school, She keeps that locked away from nearly everyone. But when Jane got sick she morphed into our chief defender in the building. She apparently told the superintendent to back off when the days turned to weeks and I still was in Boston with my wife instead of at school. He wanted some kind of note from a doctor about the need for me to be where I was. One of the secretaries in his office could hear her ripping him a new one. I never heard a word from either the superintendent or our principal about that conversation. And no one has ever asked me for any note from any doctor. She finished winning over the faculty that day.

I was weepy afterwards and one of our good friends came over to me to talk about the ceremony and the things I have been thinking about lately. I told him that writing the long piece I posted on Sad's thread yesterday had helped me deal with the guilt I felt sometimes about not letting Jane go sooner--that if she had gone sooner none of the good that I talked about there would have emerged.

Scott has always told me that I did everything right in those weeks and he said it again today. This time, for the first time, I really accepted what he said as true. But a good chunk of that acceptance has come from what I have been writing here and on the other threads.

Tammy, you ask about purpose on a thread you just started. Every day I see the purpose in things. Sometimes our lives have impacts we are not aware of--and are never aware of. I am going to finish this thought in that thread, repeating this opening. Here i will only say that every life and every death has meaning. We are just not always able to perceive that larger purpose because our field of vision is too small.

So every day I look for the positive moment in the day. Sometimes it is as small as the hummingbird sitting on the feeder--or the sparrow hanging upside own on the shepherd's hook scolding me for getting too close to his nest in a voice so shrill and silly that I have to laugh. And sometimes, like today, it is this enormous series of events that leaves me in melancholy yet joyful tears.

This thread reminds me daily to count the blessings in my life--and to keep my eyes open fo the small joys and signs that all of this has meaning.

Peace,

Harry

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When I got home today I went out in the backyard and sat on the swing where Jeff and I used to spend many afternoons talking about our hopes and dreams. I could hear the birds chirping away. I could smell the fresh cut grass. I could feel the warm sunshine on my face. I could see that the Japanese Irises were now all in full bloom.

I was amazed by the beauty of all these things when Jeff was sitting by my side......and I am grateful to say that even now, all these things still bring me so much peace and contentment.

It lasted for about 10 minutes, and then one of my teenage daughters spotted me and came out to sit with me.....and ask when we were going to the mall?! Sigh. I should really think about putting that swing somewhere harder to find! ;)

Hugs,

Tammy

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I am grateful today that I was blessed with a $100.00 gift card from my District Manager for my superior customer service. Money is really tight right now and this gift card will help put food on the table a little easier right now.

I love to come to this thread and read all of your uplifting news so thanks so much for sharing and keeping this thread going.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

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As much as I have come to dread holiday weekends, I am grateful that I will have plans with friends for most of today and a good part of tomorrow and that I have the motivation this time to make some plans for Monday doing something to distract me from the pain of loss and get through another holiday. I don't even remember last Memorial Day weekend so that is progress.

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Good Morning My Friends,

Today I'm grateful for an evening and night with my best friend Brenda, we are both so lucky to have each other as we rebuild our lives without our spouses, I never imagined the closeness we have found, I'm looking forward to spending Memorial day with her...I'm also grateful for my health at 53 I'm blessed I have no health issues...and I'm thankful I have today...

NATS

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By now you all know that I am an animal lover, and a firm believer in the healing power of pets. Some of you have described in this thread your own positive experiences with animals, whether as pets or simply by communing with them in nature ~ and some of you are thinking of bringing pets into your lives as companions in your grief journey. In that vein, I thought you'd appreciate this blog post I found earlier this week: Our Therapist

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Today I am grateful that my Cheekeh (my cat) brought laughter to me by trying to squish himself into a box that was about two sizes to small for him.

Marty, thanks for sharing that link. I too am a firm believer in the healing power of animals.

I also feel grateful for Hospice of the Valley and the excellence they demonstrate. Most of all though Marty I am grateful for you...:)

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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Today and everyday I am thankful and grateful God has been by side during these months since Ruth left, and so grateful I been granted the opportunity to continue my life in the way Ruth wanted it....with me being happy....at times it does not feel right that I should be happy when I hear and read all the sorrow my fellow friends in grief deal with, it's very confusing at times because I'm continuing my life and still grieving....all with positive energy....???

NATS

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Friends,

Sorry I did not post yesterday. Exhaustion claimed me early last night.

Yesterday I found seed geraniums for 45 cents each in the green thumb area of Walmart that had no business being there. Yes, they were a little small, but they were perfectly healthy--and denser than the ones I turned down the week before at 99 cents. Jane loved bargains--especially on plants at this time of year. We both are pretty good with plants but she was always way better at bringing them back from the edge than I was. These will not require her level of green thumb.

I planted them tonight behind some tiny mums I rescued from a life of anonymity beneath an oak tree that has finally gotten too large for anything to grow properly at its base other than impatiens--which the rabbits devour--and hostas--which the rabbits like equally as well. As this is a positive space we will not discuss the battles with the mosquitos involved :).

My in-laws came over today for our annual Memorial Day Weekend cookout. I showed them the logos for the Walking with Jane t-shirts and told them about my plans to establish a foundation to go after nuero-endrocrine cancer.

My sister-in-law is going to do part of both walks with me. The first is next Friday and Saturday, so if i vanish for a few days that is where I will be.

I also spent the morning shoveling mulch and pea stone for the courtyard garden the NHS is building in my wife's memory. Nearly all of the kids were her students. I got to meet a bunch of people i had names for but not really faces. In a school our size you know everyone's face, but not always what name goes with that face.

And the hummers are making more regular visits to the feeders today--or maybe I just noticed them more.

Peace,

Harry

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Today my parents had a cookout.....and I am grateful that not only was I able to spend the day with them, but also with Jeff's parents, my 80 year old grandmother and of course all of us kids and our kids.

It still feels kind of weird going to "family" functions without my man right by my side....but I am thankful that I still have my family AND his family to share things with. I know not everyone is that lucky and I feel truly blessed.

I hope everyone has been able to enjoy the weekend.

Hugs,

Tammy

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Good Morning Friends,

Today I'm thankful I have been blessed with another Memorial Day, I will be spending the day helping my friend Brenda we are going to trim some shrubs her husband used to let grow but she prefers to have short, so instaed of paying the yard man extra I told her I would cut them, I Love working outdoors opposed to her which she prefers to have someone else do the work, but to my surprise she wants to help, I eatimate it will only take a couple of hours then after that we are planning a relaxing Memorial Day with some good food, I'm so thankful I have someone to spend it with....

NATS

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Friends, I started reading through this thread, and loved the many positives. My dogs too, are a real joy to me, spoiled little Corgi girls, that mean so much to me. My son in law stained my back porch and deck (between bouts of rain)a couple of weeks ago, looks great. My youngest son and family are here for the weekend (leaving today). They floated the Buffalo yesterday, and I got to keep the sweetest little great granddaughter ever...she is adorable. Had wonderful time at the 23rd annual crawfish boil on the Mountain at my friend Dana's home on Saturday night, lots of food, drink and very good friends and family. Best friend in the world, Kathryn will be arriving Wednesday for 2 weeks, and then I am going back with her to AZ by train for a week. I retired on May 13th. Directing a play for the community theater that is going great. You know, if you put your mind to it, you can find a lot of positives.

Thanks Tammy for starting this thread, life is not what it would have been with Mike, but it is still a good life, with great friends and family. I am so blessed.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Good morning friends:

Sometimes it is difficult to find joy when you are in the middle of darkness by yourself, BUT I am thankful for today, the sun did come up and I have wonderful friends checking on me and a son that is exceptional. He is on the other side of the state but calls me every day to see how I am doing. Randy's family, who also live in different states also call regularly to check on me. I feel blessed with the people in my life. They will help me get through this difficult phase. I hear all of you say your spouse or loved one speaks to you or you get signs. I would love that but all is see is his last days of being so sick and not being the person I knew full of life. I am hoping that will past and the good memories will take over. I so miss his bigger than life belly laughs and his postive outlook always joking.

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KS,

That will pass indeed, Ruth did not come to me until after the first month or so, be open and receptive and you will find that it happens when you least expect it...this poem reminds me to keep all my thoughts open....

NATS

God, Speak to Me

The man whispered,

"God, speak to me,"

and a meadowlark sang,

but the man did not hear.

So the man yelled,

"God, speak to me!"

and the thunder rolled across the sky,

but the man did not listen.

The man looked around and said,

"God, let me see you,"

and a star shined brightly,

but the man did not notice.

And the man shouted,

"God, show me a miracle!"

and a life was born,

but the man did not know.

So the man cried out in despair,

"Touch me, God, and let me know you are here!"

whereupon God reached down and touched the man

but the man brushed the butterfly away

and walked on.

-- Author unknown

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Friends,

It is late so I will try to be brief.

Small blessings again today.

My sister-in-law and i drove up to the site for Friday's Relay for Life. Not sure how this id going to work since it seems like a collection of athletic fields with no track. But they have used the site before so it must work out. We had lunch afterwards and talked about missing Jane.

Then i came home and finished putting in the vegetable garden. Exhausting, but glad to have that task done.

My other best friend from high school called tonight. He is coming back east from British Columbia where he has just retired as a town manager. He is moving his parents out of the house he was born in next week and into an apartment. We hope to get together Sunday after the Relay--and some sleep for me.

I woke up to Jane's voice in my head. She has been there all day. Kenny Rogers' The Gambler keeps running through my head, reminding me I still have some aces and that i should count nothing while i am still at the table--just keep playing the cards I'm dealt in the knowledge that every hand's a winner--and every hand's a loser--its what you choose to do with them that counts.

Going to post that last bit to Melina who seems to be having a tough day.

Good night.

Peace,

Harry

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I am grateful today for making it through my day in court without breaking down. I am grateful for the sun that shined today. I am grateful for my therapist who gave me extra time today.

I am grateful for all the wonderfully brave people here at our GH family who inspire me.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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Today I thankful for a beautiful weekend and memorial day, It was nice doing yard work with someone again we trimmed and cleaned up in 3 or so hours, then cleaned up and cooked some good food for dinner, we did some sausage with onions and green peppers cooked in olive oil served on a hoagie roll, good food and good company, nice combination....

NATS

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I'm thankful that I have wonderful kids and g/children.

I'm thankful that Lars' sister is here visiting me.

I'm thankful that I have this site and all the people on it.

I'm thankful to be able to laugh and enjoy life again.

Lainey

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Friends,

The t-shirts are done and will be in my hands tomorrow.

I saw three hummingbirds at the feeders tonight as I was mowing.

It is finally warm and the sun has finally been out for more than a single day in a row.

And i am glad you are all here, day in and day out.

Peace

Harry

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Today I am grateful to have a brother who is so handy. He takes care of all of the things that Jeff used to, the things that I can't do myself.

I am attaching a picture of the shed that he's building for me - it's almost done! I think Jeff would love it! :)

post-14191-130689357484_thumb.jpg

Hugs,

Tammy

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I am happy that our youngest son was finally able to go visit his Mother. It's the first time since the service at the cemetery. He could not get himself to do it before, I told him when your ready, your ready. Our oldest son has been. Our youngest has not been and I am not sure how she is doing with this.

I had typed "my" at first were you now see "our' in the spots above with the kids. I replaced them and I don't know why.

The VA had flags on all of the sites this past weekend. If it attaches there will be a pic below.

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I haven't been here for a couple of days...yesterday was my last day on my full time job...from here forward I will be working one day a week (plus checking email and doing bank reports) and joining the ranks of the unemployed, looking for work. I was a bit depressed last night...my boss never spoke to me all day and no one said goodbye, it's just how the place is, I've always felt a little isolated there, knowing we weren't all treated the same and there was no appreciation shown no matter what a great job you did. But even so, it was preferable to being out of work.

What I waqs feeling thankful for last night was my sisters...they take the time to call me and express their concern, and that helps. I'm the only one that's single, except my quadriplegic sister and she lives in a group home, so I'm still the only one that lives alone. My daughter is married and I rarely hear from her, my son is going to school two hours away, and is very busy. So I am home alone today with my dog. I went on line and checked my work email and did the bank report. I filed my unemployment but it'll be four more days before I can verify if they've accepted it. I stripped my floors just for something different to do. It's pouring rain outside but they say sunshine is coming in a couple of days...that would be good, I haven't had much of that yet this year.

I feel like this place is my "touching base" place...I am so thankful for each of you and for this site.

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Friends,

The shirts are gorgeous. The guy did a great job on the silk screening. And we have lots of folks interested in buying them. The bags should arrive tomorrow. This all may work out yet.

If you want to see the logo for the bags, it is on the About Me page. I tried multiple times to move it into these posts but that has not worked. I am going to try to attach the smaller version below.

I may disappear here until Sunday or Monday. The Relay is this weekend--and one of my oldest friends is coming in from Canada Sunday afternoon.

Peace,

Harry

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post-14728-130697647488_thumb.jpg

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Today I am grateful for my bereavement group that met tonight. It's kind of a spin off of the original group I had joined shortly after Jeff died....that one met every week for a couple of months, this one meets just once a month. There are 7 or 8 of us....and they are all very good listeners, and I know they can all personally relate to the things I am going through. It's nice to get together face to face - we have a good cry, some laughter - and then we walk away feeling a little more at peace.

It's very much like everyone here - only the hugs are more personal! :)

Hugs,

Tammy

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The shirts are great, Harry!

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