Feeling The Need To Shake The Sadness

[azbrian]

Good luck with the relay and the shirts look great Harry.

[melina]

Okay, I suppose I should write something positive for once.

I'm grateful I have four healthy, kind, intelligent sons, two lovely daughters-in-law who clearly love their husbands, a good job, a home to live in and food to eat. I have my health - for now anyway - and I have a couple of really good friends.

Things may not be the way I want them to be - but it's a lot more than most people in the world have.

I just hope I can leave a postive mark on the world the way my husband did.

Melina

[Perkins808]

Today I am grateful that I was able to get all my emotions out of my system before I got home to help my daughter get ready for the prom. When it came time to take pictures, the kids actually made me laugh.

They ARE what has gotten me through so many of my rough days.

[Anne E]

Have not posted on this thread before but have enjoyed reading all the positive happenings in your days. Today was a pretty good day for me. For the past two days I have not felt well. Today I decided I am fighting a dreaded summer cold.

However, I did not give in to it and went out and finished planting the geraniums. I looked at the tomatoes planted yesterday and was so happy to see that their little leaves are no longer droopy. Dick was the gardener, it is sweet to plant things and feel close to him. It was a good day!

Anne

[melina]

Great photo, Tammy. She's lovely and looks very happy - and that's what's most important.

Melina

[ksbeachbum]

My gratitude today: We had tornado sirens going off on Wednesday night and the dog and I spent most of the night in the basement under the basement stairs. Two tornadoes spotted but did not hit any where in my small town. Softball sized hail , which sounded like bowling balls, and lots of rain and flooding. I survived with one limb on my roof w/o damage. Many car windshields shattered in town and many folks had house damage. I had none. For that I am thankful. Thank you dear husband Randy for watching out for me.

With faith and hope for an even better today and tomorrow.

Becky

[Dwaynecg]

Becky,

I understand about the tornados. I remember when Pauline and I lived in Chapman. Our small house was on a slab, so when the tornado siren went off we were to go to our friends house a couple blocks away. One night about 1:00 am the siren went off. I was ready to go. Pauline was trying to find a pair of shoes that matched. It was so funny looking back on it. All these shoes flying out of the closet. By the time she found a matching pair of shoes it was all over. Come to find out the next day the tornado was over the grain elevator about a block from our house. Thank God it never touched down. It stills makes me laugh seeing all those shoes flying out of the closet. Pauline being from Massachusetts did not realize the destruction a tornado can do. I am thankful it never touched down, we may not have lived through it.

God Bless

Dwayne

P. S. The small town of Chapman was almost wipe off the map years later from a very large tornado.

[Perkins808]

Today I have SO much to be grateful for....I got the phone call that every parent dreads, my daughter crying hysterically telling me that she had just gotten in an accident.

SO grateful that nobody was hurt. The front end of her car sustained some pretty good damage - a car pulled right out in front of her. When I got there (probably just 10 minutes after it happened) she was still pretty shaken up so I asked her to sit in the front passenger seat of her car. She struggled to get the door open because the front panel was buckled - when I leaned over to help her what I spotted gave me goosebumps. In the inside of the car, resting in the little groove in the door above the door handle.....was a penny. I had gone to see a medium a few months back and he told me that the pennies that I find are signs from Jeff and I was stunned because I had started collecting them after Jeff died - I find them in the oddest places. So I fully believe that my daughter had her guardian angel with her today!

Now the other thing that I am grateful for - I met Harry (HAP) today. I knew he would be at the Relay for Life cancer walk - so my girls and I went. Harry - it was very nice meeting you today. I left before the memorial lap, I knew it would be too hard for me to stay for it.....but I hope you found the strength to make it through. I applaud you!!

Hugs,

Tammy

[azbrian]

I am so happy for you that she is okay !!!!

Thanks for the thoughts about Tom.

I declare we don't have any more days like today for a very, very, very long time..................

Take care

[Susie Q]

This week I started on leave pending retirement in 2012. It's not how we planned it to be and I have been 'underwhelmed' over the last few months by the prospect of all that time - because without him, although I know I will be busy, it is hard to see the meaning in this life I have left!

But yesterday I had the most wonderful surprise work - I had insisted on no functions because I didn't know how I would be emotionally when the time came. They hadn't listened to me, of course, and I found myself surrounded by wonderful colleagues with kind and generous words and some lovely gifts. I spoke from the heart about how much my work, and they, had meant to me, especially in the last 22 months. I was pretty emotional but held it together (mostly), but it was right for the occasion.

I also work in education, so it was fulfilling to hear what other people thought my contribution to students had been over the various roles I have undertaken throughout my career.

Today, I am grateful to be reminded that despite our grief we can still make a difference to others, and in return, feel somewhat uplifted.

PS Perkins and Hap - I am heavily involved in a Relay for Life type event that we hold annually for our local cancer centres. I am just starting to update our website after another highly successful year in 2010. $1.2 million raised in 6 years by the local community all with a volunteer committee. Another special thing that keeps me sane. Would love to know how your event went. www.24hrfight.org.au .....Susie Q

[Perkins808]

I am the type of person who loves to take pictures. There is hardly ever a time that I don't have my camera with me - people always grumble when I announce it's time to take some pictures. I think they finally give in and strike a pose because they know I'm relentless and will just continue to hound them until they smile!

But guess what? Now I have all these wonderful pictures of my husband and our whole family to look back on.

So today I am grateful that they - and Jeff especially, humored me and smiled.

Hugs,

Tammy

[nats]

Hello My Friends,

It's been a day or so been kinda busy with work and doing some "family" things with my friend Brenda, on Friday evening we baby sat her grandchildren, that was so nice as they have taken well to me, I'm so thankful for that, we grilled, played and watched some TV, Saturday we went and visited her Mother, then attended a Birthday Party for her granddaughter, I'm so grateful I have these events in my life again, it's funny how you miss those events when there gone...I'm so Blessed and Thankful for all I have....and I pray everyone else will find some peace and comfort in there lives as they adjust to life without there spouse....

NATS

[HAP]

Friends,

I am going to do a long post either today or tomorrow about the Relay for Life as a stand-alone thread. I haven't done one of those for a while now--and it seems like the right thing to do. But there are things for here tonight, too, after a four day absence with lots of joys and blessings.

First, for Tammy, I was really happy to see you Friday at the Relay--and to meet your daughters. I hope the time you spent there helped your own healing as much as the entire experience did mine. More about that elsewhere. It was a brave and noble thing you did there. And I am glad your daughter's prom went well and the accident was no more than the scare it was.

I slept for 18 hours after i finally got home from the Relay--the first full rest I feel like I have had in many months. And i dreamed dreams of my love--and they were good dreams.

Yesterday I got together with my two best friends from high school. Gary is out here from BC to try to settle his parents--who are both in their 90s and still sharp as a tack. They said they wanted to move to somewhere else in the town we grew up in because they think the house has gotten too big to handle--but now don't think that is a good idea. We met at our friend Helen's house in Amherst. We had lunch and dinner together and was able to hold onto what the relay had given me.

Today the kids told me I was an honorary senior and therefore had to write a good-bye column for the last issue of the current editorial board--which comes out tomorrow--our 111th issue of the year. The new board will put out either three or four more issues before school closes the end of June. I cried my way through it--but it got me thinking again about this weekend.

This afternoon the yearbook kids showed me this year's book--which comes out tomorrow. They gave Jane a page with a poem I wrote her and my three favorite pictures of her on it. It is a beautifully sad and joyous thing that touches me beyond words.

Tonight, again, the craft room smelled of frankincense--a gentle reminder that the dream will not die unless I stop doing he work to move it forward.

So i will move things forward--here and everywhere.

Peace,

Harry

[Perkins808]

Right before Jeff died he decided that I needed to learn how to drive his Jeep....it's a standard and I had never driven it before. Well, he only got one opportunity to take me out to teach me as he died a couple of weeks later.

A month after he died I made it my mission to learn how to drive that stupid Jeep. It had been sitting in the driveway unused...a constant reminder that Jeff was gone, and I just felt the need to conquer it. I grabbed my daughter's boyfriend and said let's go - YOU are now going to teach me how to drive this thing. Yes, I stalled several times...and it will probably be a while before I drive anywhere where there is traffic OR hills (Fall River is out Harry! lol) but I can say that I did it.

I somehow find peace in driving around with the top down, and now it's a reminder of my many rides with Jeff. Some days we would leave early in the morning and not come home until dark - just spending the day driving around...no particular destination, just waiting to see what we'd come across.

So today I am grateful that I didn't get rid of Jeff's Jeep and that I learned how to drive it. I feel so close to him when the I'm driving around with the top off and the wind blowing through my hair - almost like Jeff is whispering - Great job Babe, I'm right here with you!

Hugs,

Tammy

[HAP]

Friends,

The column worked well. The entire Portuguese class and their teacher came upstairs to give me a hug after they read it. Another English teacher said he could only get through half of it the first time he read it. He had to go back to it afterwards.

Today was our last full class meeting with the seniors in journalism and I gave my annual last lecture. It starts with Neil Young's "Sugar Mountain" and ends with every senior getting a lit candle they take with them afterwards. Because I am retiring, every staffer got a candle today. We all cried at the end. We always do. But it was more powerful this year for all of us--and not just because it was my last Last Lecture. They all knew my wife and many had her in class. They put the paper out entirely by themselves for the month Jane was in the hospital and for the week after she died. They have proven themselves--all of them--in a small way. Now it is time for all of them to move on to something bigger. The wealthy man with the servants is one of our base stories--and no one is allowed to bury his talent in the sand.

I talked with one of my former students today. She was here when things were darkest but had vanished for the last month. She has a two year old son and both she and her wife have been trading the same cold back and forth for weeks. It was good to hear her voice. Her mother had breast cancer a couple years ago and the two of them will be walking on a team at Somerset's Relay later this month. She--the daughter--was our second editor-in-chief.

I also talked to my sister-in-law tonight. She wants to come to help with the set-up at the next relay and walk a couple hours in the afternoon as well as in the morning. I know she is a shy person and that doing any of this public stuff is hard for her. But she is beginning to see how much people cared about her sister and it is starting to move her out of her shell.

Finally, thanks to all of you--To Tammy, to Dwayne and to Marty for their kind words here and elsewhere. To Carol Ann for her courage and her victory yesterday in the court room--and for sharing that with all of us. To Brian and Dave and all the other new folks who find themselves in this club none of us want to belong to for sharing their tears and their stories. And to Melina off in Norway for buying herself flowers and going out to dinner with friends--and letting us all know that even the tough days can be better than we are afraid they will be. To Lainey and Kay and NATS and mfh for their experience and wisdom and their positive attitudes in the face of trials and tribulations no one should have to face. To Sad who daily tries to work things through and who keeps going for her animals. And to everyone who reads and writes and walks this lonely path and flaps their wings--as we all do--and are constantly crashing into windows and walls as they try to navigate this strange land we find ourselves in.

I am truly thankful for every word you write--and for every entry you read. You all make this journey a whole lot less empty and lonely than it could be.

Peace,

Harry

[HAP]

I somehow find peace in driving around with the top down, and now it's a reminder of my many rides with Jeff. Some days we would leave early in the morning and not come home until dark - just spending the day driving around...no particular destination, just waiting to see what we'd come across.

So today I am grateful that I didn't get rid of Jeff's Jeep and that I learned how to drive it. I feel so close to him when the I'm driving around with the top off and the wind blowing through my hair - almost like Jeff is whispering - Great job Babe, I'm right here with you!

Hugs,

Tammy

Dear Tammy,

You made me laugh and cry with this--both at the same time. I was writing my post when you posted this or I would have added it to my list of positives for the day. I tried a couple of times to teach Jane to drive a standard after we first got married. She was always afraid she would break the car. She finally got to the point she could do some highway driving on long trips--so long as I worked the stick while she worked the gas and clutch. It was strange but it worked.

Thanks for reminding me of both the teaching and the driving. That is making me laugh and cry all over again.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Sometimes I feel I am walking on hallowed ground...such is the case with this place. I'm glad I haven't dropped out of this forum as most seem to after a couple of years...for I wouldn't have gotten to know the newer ones here, and I continue to learn and be bolstered by all of you.

I have had things to share the last few days but either get sidetracked by exhaustion, or my poor memory eludes me before I can put my thoughts to pen.

Today however, I have something special to share thankfulness for. I went on line to the Unemployment claims and lo and behold they have allowed me my waiting week! Apparently the person that took my final information was mistaken in his interpretation of what would happen.

As to my upcoming eye surgery, I am afraid it must be put off once again, although I'll make that final decision tomorrow. I hate doing this to the doctor again, but the cyst on my eye went down again this week, even though I have not been on medication. It is a puzzlement to me as I have suffered with this for ten months without the medication doing much at all, and now every time I schedule the surgery, it goes down, so that they can't do it. Will have to put this too in God's hands...I'd like to have it over with once and for all, but perhaps He has another plan.

I love reading what all of you write, it's inspiring.

[kayc]

I have to add, there was something I had wanted to share here a couple of days ago but never seem to remember at the right time...

When I was jumping through the unemployment hoops, they made me do a math assessment. Some of it I hadn't done for 42 years or so and didn't remember how. Somehow the area of a circle just doesn't come up in and office setting or while home doing laundry, go figure! Anyway, they included some formulas, I was so excited! I have often thought it'd be fun to take a math refresher course but wasn't sure they'd have one on an old fogey's level, so this accomplished just that without any cost! Now I've saved the formulas should I ever need them (although if I haven't needed them in all these years, I'm not likely to). I used to use a lot of math when I was Office Mgr. at a mill, I had to figure board footage to load onto trucks, considering weight distribution in the process and then tell the forklift driver how many units to put on a truck and how to load them. But no circles, no triangles, not as yet.

[marcplum]

Tammy, here is mine, this forum. Blessings, Marc

[melina]

Friends,

I am going to do a long post either today or tomorrow about the Relay for Life as a stand-alone thread. I haven't done one of those for a while now--and it seems like the right thing to do. But there are things for here tonight, too, after a four day absence with lots of joys and blessings.

Harry,

What lovely things to say about us all. Looking forward to reading about the Relay for Life.

Melina

[nats]

Hello To All,

It's been a few days....I am so thankful for all I've been blessed with and the strength I find each day to conquer this grief...also thanks for learning to "Love" again in many ways....

NATS

[HAP]

Friends,

This may have to be short. we have a thunderstorm moving in.

The theater people needed to get their program printed. One poor kid was laying it out using Microsoft Word. I live in InDesign. Watching her struggle with it was like watching someone try to drive a finishing nail with a sledge hammer: it can be done, but isn't much fun.

What was wonderful was watching the kid wrestle with it and not give up. It was wonderful to see that kind of dedication. And despite the difficulty, the final product is beautiful.

When she finally held the finished product in her hand, the joy was palpable.

But she really wants to learn InDesign for next time.

Ok. That lightning strike was a bit too close.

Good night.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Harry, please let us know how you fared in the storm.

I am thankful for job openings...even if I don't get them, for just seeing them there lends hope.

I am thankful for the Food Bank. I have never gone to one before, but in the last couple of days, my refrigerator and cupboards are full and I've been cooking and baking after I'm done looking for work. I've even been able to share with my sister and my neighbor!

I am thankful that a friend called to see how I was doing.

I am thankful for the deer that have been coming and eating some of the grass that I can't mow because I can't get the mower started. I wish they'd tell all their friends to come eat here too.

And as always, I am thankful for my ever present dog, Arlie, who is my best companion.

[mfh]

Harry, I just cried my way through your posts. I honor you for all you are doing, for the column you wrote for the paper, the poem you wrote for the yearbook, the thank you's to all of us, for the way you so poetically express yourself, for your honesty and openness and vulnerability. You are a gift to this site. I know you two had retirement plans (as did Bill and I) and feel robbed after giving so much to so many. I can relate to the inDesign vs Word, as I also live in inDesign with my publication. Thank you for all you are and do for all of us. Mary mfh

[HAP]

Friends,

First, thanks to Kay for worrying about thunderstorms. That thunderclap I said felt too close was as near as it got to nasty. It really went to cloudburst mode about 2:30 and i had to close all the windows, but no damage here to speak of. As close as we are to the coast we rarely get the big stuff--though after last week in central Mass who knows what the new rules really are.

Thanks also for Mary and her kind words.

I feel a bit down tonight, so i am hoping writing here will pick me up--and the two of you have already brightened my skies a bit.

Small blessings again today. I got an email today that the bracelets have arrived in Brockton. A friend who was going that way was going to pick them up and bring them back for the art show and play tonight, but heavy weather blocked that plan. We took orders for three more shirts tonight--and we are nearly out of the large ones. The smalls and mediums have been ordered and i will have to get some more large shirts ordered tomorrow while he still has the screens set up if i can.

An another member of our team is putting together donations for a raffle we will run at the next relay. All of that is moving again in a positive direction.

But better than all that was getting to see a kid make her first sale of her art at the art show tonight. Morgan and her partner in the department have gotten into the habit of doing a yearly art show at school so kids can show off what they have done. Tonight someone who was there came up to morgan and asked her if one of the students was there because she wanted to buy a painting. Now the student in question has had a tough life and 18 months ago was a sure bet to drop out of school. But Morgan became her mentor--and to see the two of them together is to see what a student-teacher relationship is supposed to be all about. The kid is a junior and a year from now will have the kind of portfolio art schools drool over.

But her first sale was really something to see. She was so excited and happy I thought she was going to hit the ceiling, go straight through it, and float away.

My editor-in-chief was the female lead in jane Austen's Emma tonight. I am a tough critic, but she was nearly flawless. She carried the cast through a really difficult script. I was enormously proud of her.

I'm hoping getting some sleep tonight will put me in a better frame of mind.

Peace,

Harry