"your Father Would Have Wanted..."

[Skylar]

Hello all, I am 13 and my daddy passed away in February. I have always had issues with school work completion, and this just made me look at my work and think about so many more important things that I could be doing. Well, sometime this month my school counselor took me into her office, and told me this: "Your father would have wanted you to move on and try hard in school." This made me very upset for several reasons. First, she did not know him. At all. She would not have been able to pick him out of a lineup! Secondly, I have been trying in school, but sometimes I think grieving is more important than reviewing math. This statement has made me feel uncomfortable talking to her about my loss. Does anyone have any comments or advice?

[niamh]

Skylar sweetie I am so sorry for the loss of your Daddy. I could feel myself getting mad reading the title,Ive had people say that and it hurts like hell and what I always think is my Dad wants me to be me whatever way I am and he knows and understands how tough things are without him ....just like your Daddy I bet.

You are trying in school,what more can you do.....of course your mind is filled with grief right now.

Have you talked to your Mom about this? It would be good If maybe there is some local grief groups for teenagers.....there is something "good" about knowing someone else gets what you are going through when they are going through it too.

You should definitely talk to your Mom Hun,the school are not right being so unkind to you,although im sure she meant well but is obviously not too educated on grief........remember you are already doing your best,nobody can expect or ask for more.

Sending you a big huge (Daddy girl) hug,there's lots of us here always to listen and share with you.

Niamh

[Tom19]

Hey, firstly I'm ever so sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you and I hope that one day things will be as normal as possible for you.

Secondly, there's people on this forum that will be much more help than me as I've never actually experienced the loss of a parent, but I can tell from the experience of my girlfriend, well ex-girlfriend now, that grief can have a huge affect on education. She is a little older than yourself but she also lost her Dad back in February. She went back to College 5 weeks after her Dad's passing but didn't last and just ended up crying everyday and now she's quit education altogether.

No one can force you into doing something you don't want to, no one can talk to you like they understand because they won't, grief is unique to the person and that person will deal with it in their own way. Now, this isn't me saying stop going school but if you don't feel like you can go, then don't, take your time, and do things in your own time, as like I said before, it's all about you, no one else.

I hope this helps a little.

[MartyT]

Skylar, my dear,

I'm so, so sorry to learn of the death of your daddy just three months ago, and sorry, too, that you don't feel as if you're getting the support you need from your school counselor.

You've asked for comments or advice, and I'd like to say some things to you that I hope will be helpful to you.

You say that you've always had issues with completing your school work, so I'm sure that the death of your father is only making matters worse for you. Forgetfulness, having trouble concentrating, not feeling motivated, feeling disorganized, having little patience with your friends – all of this is typical for the person who's lost a loved one, and certainly typical for a grieving student struggling to keep up with schoolwork. You say that "sometimes I think grieving is more important than reviewing math," and while I would agree with that statement, I don't think that quitting school is the answer, Skylar. The better solution for you would be to stay in school, but with the support you need to get your grieving done, along with some plans in place to help you get your schoolwork done as well. With the proper support and involvement of your family and the folks at school, I want to encourage you to believe that you can do both.

You don't say where your mother is in all of this, but it's important that you talk to her (or to another trusted relative, neighbor, friend or clergy person) about what's going on with you. You need an ally, someone who will advocate for you and speak to the teachers and counselor at your school on your behalf. With that person's help, you can work out with your teacher how to evaluate and make up whatever work you've missed. Maybe there is someone who could help tutor or partner with you—a study buddy—to help you schedule your work better and get your assignments done. Maybe you could set up a weekly meeting time with your teacher and your mom to identify your problem areas, evaluate and change your study habits, and review your progress. Maybe you could find a way to express your thoughts and feelings by writing in a journal or using other expressive arts like drawing, sculpting or painting. Maybe there are programs and resources in your school district that bring together grieving teens, where you can talk about your dad and how very much you've lost. Certainly there are many resources online that are available to you, if you have access to the Internet. I don't know where you are located, but for starters, I encourage you to take a look at Hospice of the Valley's Teen Grief Program.

I also invite you to read a post I wrote in response to another teen struggling with grief, as I think the information there will be helpful to you as well: Must Be Strong, but Don'tWant To Be