What I Wouldn't Give For 60 More Seconds With Her

[Babypod]

Oh the things I would do to see her - for just one minute. To hold her hand again. To smell her hair again. To make sure she really knows just what she meant to me and how much I loved her. Just one more minute.

Trying to find a way to go on. So trying to. For most of my life she was the only person that I knew loved me. In my terrible and dark childhood she was my light. Being near her and at her home was my heaven on Earth. I knew I was safe there. I knew I was loved there. I knew there would be food and heat, water and love. Never to be yelled at. Didn't matter what I did - she would be there loving me.

And now she is gone - and I am trying to keep it together. I have four children and I am so trying to keep it together for them. They need their mom. I want to show them the love my Grandma showed me. I am so trying - but it is so hard.

As a child - every wish was always the same. Every birthday candle I blew out. Every first star I saw at night. I would pray this wish in my prayers. From as far back as I could remember up until my 20's - my wish was always the same - that I would die when Grandma died. Now Grandma has died and my body goes on. I know I have to stay - I have children to raise - but I don't want to. I don't want to be here without my Grandma.

No one seems to understand. "You have to move on." "Your Grandma kept going when your Grandpa died." (He died many years ago - before I was born - leaving her with three children to raise). I just don't know how to do it. I want to move into her house and not ever leave it. I don't know - I want my Grandma back - even if it is just for 60 seconds.

[Guest Nicholas]

"You have to move on" ... NO YOU DON'T! Anyone who understood you or grief in general should not say such things. In fact, some people can NEVER move on, and why should they? I won't refer back to my post about "wallowing in grief", but if you don't feel ready to move on, don't.

Nicholas

PS: The only "Move On" you should concern yourself with is this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUsCbvV9DYg&feature=related

[BellaRosa]

Babypod, I had a breakdown last night at my parents' house. My dad is out of town, so I stop by to feed the cats, and it's so hard being there alone. It's so quiet and empty without my mom. I just sat on the couch and cried and talked to her, out loud. I told her I was sorry for not appreciating her more when she was here and for taking her for granted. I would give anything just to tell her face-to-face how much I love her and miss her. That's all I want -- I just want her to KNOW. I know deep down that she did (and does), but it's still so hard now that she's gone.

Erin

[niamh]

oh me too Babypod, I often think if I could have 1 minute with my Dad then everything would be somewhat ok because I'd know for sure hes just somewhere else waiting for me, this is just a longterm "vacation" from him and he'd give me the encouragement and words that only he has to fix all this & I know one minute with him could fix it.

I hear you so much when you say you wanted to die when your Grandma died, I too always wanted that and sometimes to be honest I still do .......not in a suicidal way, more just that I want to go to my Dad and hang out with him and I'd be more than happy to say goodbye to earth and go meet up with Dad again. So now every year that passes as hard as it is, I hate that my great life is further and further away from me, I try to think of it as 1 year/month or whatever closer to being with my Dad again & never having to let go.

I could not agree more with Nicolas, "move on" .........ugh whatever, it's just ignorance on their part. You are doing so much already so just be gentle with yourself.

(((hugs)))

Niamh