When A Parent Dies

[MartyT]

Why does the loss of one or both our parents hit us so hard?

In their wonderful new book, On Grief and Grieving, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler have this to say about the power of grief:

The time after a significant loss is full of feelings that we usually have spent a lifetime trying not to feel. Sadness, anger, and emotional pain sit on our doorstep with a deeper range than we have ever felt. Their intensity is beyond our normal range of human emotions. Our defenses are no match for the power of the loss. We stand alone with no precedent or emotional repertoire for this kind of loss. We have never lost a mother, father, spouse, or child before. To know these feelings and to meet them for the first time brings up responses from draining to terrifying and everything in between.

And in this insightful article, noted grief expert Kenneth J. Doka explains some of the reactions we may have:

When A Parent Dies

“Everyone says it is a blessing. She was old and ill for so long. I am 62 years old myself, but she was still my mother.”

If Mona were 12 years old, no one would believe it odd that she would grieve the loss of her mom. Why do we assume it is easier 50 years later? Those 50 additional years carry even more shared memories.

When I started counseling, I held those sentiments. I expected to see spouses grieving the loss of their mates or parents mourning the death of a child. I was surprised to see so many adult children grieving the loss of their older parent.

They taught me that I should not be so surprised. There are many reasons why the loss of a parent is difficult, even for an adult. For many of us, the loss of a parent is our first major loss. We are unprepared. We may be astounded by the intensity of our reactions, the times when we feel the absence of our parents’ presence, and the moments we seek their advice only to realize we can no longer receive their counsel.

The death of a parent may bring other losses in its wake. We may have to sell the family home. Holidays once spent there are now redistributed or shared by other family members.

Perhaps without the centering presence of a parent, other family traditions seem less significant. Families may no longer seem as close or come together as often. This heightens the experience of loss.

In some cases the stress of care giving or conflicts over the estate can create tensions between siblings. This can cause an additional sense of loss even as it further diminishes support. In other cases, we may take comfort in a renewed closeness with brothers and sisters or a new appreciation of family.

We may experience a “developmental push.” Now, without a parent we may have to carry on tasks without the assistance of someone we have long counted upon to help. The death of a parent brings not only grief but also profound personal, social, familial, and even financial changes.

Acknowledging grief and change is critical. This deep sense of loss is a natural response to the death of parents, whatever their age or however old we are. Our grief is a manifestation of our attachment and our love.

We may want to join support groups or seek counseling. Since this may be our first major loss, we should consider whether we need additional support.

When the time comes, we may need to find appropriate ways to honor their memories. Each of us has our own traditions and rituals. We may want to put together a collage of photographs or to light a candle on occasions. We may even want to create a new tradition.

My mother, for example, was very concerned that the family would drift apart once she died. Now, on the Saturday closest to her birthday, all surviving generations reunite in her honor.

-- by Kenneth J. Doka, PhD, MDiv, HopeLine Newsletter, September 2005, HOPE for Bereaved, Inc., NY, hope@dreamscape.com

[STARKISS]

THANK YOU MARTY T, I FOUND THIS VERY HELPFUL. I APPRECIATE THE WORDS YOU WROTE AND FOUND FOR THE FORUM. I MISS MY MOM SO VERY MUCH AND I MISS DAD JUST AS MUCH. BUT I INTEND ON FINDING THE BOOK MENTIONED AND READING IT THANK YOU AGAIN

[avsqr_dancer]

Hello,

I also appreciate this post. In the space of 7 weeks, both my parents died. They were both in their 80's. and I am in 51, but it is still very painful. I do not think that some people, especially those who haven't gone through it, understand this. So I am careful who I talk to about this. That is why message boards like this are so important. I did have one very sensitive friend who echoed the sentiment expressed in the article-that the older we are, the longer we have had our parents and our memories. She told of how painful it was for both herself and her mother when her 95 year grandmother died. I don't want people to minimize my loss just because they lived a long life. I am coping well enough, but I miss them both and probably always will.

avsqr_dancer

[Maylissa]

Hello...I am new to this particular site and these 2 articles really caught my attention. I lost my Mother, who was 84 and very ill for a long time, just over 1.5 yrs. ago, on Jan.2/04, and then suddenly lost my oldest brother, too, only 2 months later, on Feb.29/04. I relate, and then some, to almost all the points made in these articles, and glom onto anything and anyone who truly understands how much more complicated the loss of a parent can be, as even some who already lost one or both don't take everything into account if you grieve for longer than they did. My family situation went from already bad and strained to horrible and impossible, along with the sudden and secret loss of the family home and almost all personal contents, an illegal Will my last brother had our father draw up in his full-blown dementia and the theft of all of our parents' funds, leaving it up to the Province to step in and provide the funds and care for our father, just as had happened with my Mother. I also either lost or had to voluntarily give up relatives I'd had contact with, as they became either more abusive, non-supportive or completely selfish. There was no Memorial for my Mother, not even informally, and I had no funds left to attend my brother's funeral, which was scraped together on a dime. His wife had coldly said to me, as she laughed, "Well don't you think it's incredibly self-indulgent of you to be grieving your mother?" When I expressed shock at such a vile comment, she said, by way of 'explanation', that she was old anyway....as if that's all that mattered. She also later asked me if I was actually sad about my brother (her partner) dying, just because we hadn't spoken for many years ( a long story ) until our Mother was institutionalized for the past 6 months before her death. The hard lesson has been that I now am not so surprised ( although still galled ) at people's insensitivity at even the most naturally traumatic events in our lives. So thank-you for these articles that speak of some understanding still out there.

[ron]

Hi, This is October 25, 2005

Normally I would be writting in my "mom's" jounal but I came here.On October 8 ----, that was my mother's birthday, she would have been 51 y.o.

She did not like birthday's but deep down I know she did cuse no one forgot about her. She was my best friend,she was there to see her 1st gran dauther born.I have not had a real wedding yetbutoneday I hope to have one, but insted I and my husband of 5 years had a court house wedding with his parents,my mom and her boyfriend. My mother and my husband's mother was our wittnesses. They signed our marriage certificate. And I wear her neck lece everyday. And I give her pitcher that took when I was 17 it sits on myside of the bed and I give her kiss everynight before I go to bed, and a Good morning kiss when I get up. I was there when she past that night, some times I wish I was there when the nurse said that both had a good conversion??//But when I was there I held her hand,she she sqweezed my hand she knew I was there, I offten wish she could have talke to even if she said she scared AT LEAST I COULD HAVEBEEN SCARED WITH HER. But she could not even tell me BYE I LOVE YOU. I hvae so much more to say but my typing is not fast enough. And thx to Hospice for this WebSite. It means alot to me as well as to others.

[STARKISS]

HI, I HAVE LOST BOTH MY PARENTS AND I THINK THAT IT IS HARD TO LOSE A PARENT BECAUSE THEY ARE ONE OF THE FIRST PEOPLE TO LOVE YOU AND IN RETURN YOU LOVE THEM SO VERY MUCH. I THINK THAT IS WHY I GRIEF SO VERY MUCH BECAUSE I HAVE LOST BOTH OF MY PARENTS IN SUCH A SHORT TIME ONE IS APRIL 2005 AND THE IN AUGUST 2005. BUT I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU EVER GET OVER THE HEARTACHE AND PAIN THAT COME WITH GRIEVING. TAKE CARE AND GOD BLESS

[Joani]

I want to write about losing my mother. My mother died this past May, after spending 7 months in a nursing home in severe pain. We were all waiting for her to go, and she was ready to go, so it was a relief. She died the weekend that my youngest child, her youngest grandchild, completed his university education.

The past five months have been chaotic for me. I haven't been crying that much, but I feel lost a lot. I had a very strong and not always easy mother. But I had made my peace with that in the last few years and had grown to really appreciate her wisdom and caring for all of us.

She raised me to be very very independent, as she was. And partly that made me think that I didn't miss her. But lately I am realizing that she is really gone, and in fact that I don't have any parents at all, and only one brother from my immediate family. This can be scary.

It was a very big transition for me. She passed away, my son moved, my daughter got married, all in three months.

I have many big decisions on my plate this year - both moving and deciding to re-marry. But I am not able to think really clearly about any of this.

Its hard for me to slow down and feel all of the feelings that go with this.