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Miri

Why Would Someone End A Good Relationship While Grieving?

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Samar,

I'm sorry you're going through it too. Could you start your own thread and tell us your story?

No one has been here for three years in this thread but this section is still active. It seems there's often someone getting broken up by a grieving partner.

Yes, you are a griever too, loss is loss, regardless of the reason behind it.

I'm not a psychiatrist, I guess to hear from one you'd have to pay to see one, but you can check out Marty and Mary's credentials, they read everything. I am just a fellow griever that has been here for nine years...first with the loss of my husband (to death) then the loss of a relationship (divorce) and then again, loss of fiance (his grieving). It seems there's been non-stop grief in my life the last nine years. I've lost my job three times and that also brings about grief. My mom is in a Dementia Care Center and has Leukemia, so I'm also familiar with Anticipatory Grief. It is just something I've learned to live with and deal with, so I guess I understand grief about as well as anyone.

It's been nearly four years since my fiance broke up with me, but we are friends and talk nearly every day, I guess that's about the best one can hope for in a situation like this. Most of the time they do NOT resume their relationship. Grief doesn't have an ending, you just learn to deal with it. Also the person that did the breaking up often feels some guilt for not having spent ALL of their time/effort on their deceased parent, and the person they broke up with serves as a reminder of that whole time. Somehow they can't seem to bring themselves back to that point in time when all was well and the relationship was going strong. Grief changes you, you aren't the same person again. Once in a great while someone will make it through intact, but it's rare once they've broken up. I hope that answers some of your questions.

It's best to focus on YOU, spend time with your family and friends, take up a new activity, keep active. Believe me, the grief will find you, you will spend ample amount of time in tears and sleeplessness, but eventually it begins to subside. The turning point for me was when, after he'd broken up with me, I found him seeming to toy with my emotions and getting mixed messages, and it was really yanking me around, after crying all the way home (I had a 50 mile commute), I determined NOT to cry over him again! I put a wall around my heart to guard it so he couldn't get in and mess with it. It's not that he was trying to, he's not like that, but he was messed up from the grief and he was doing it, although not intentionally. I was a few months out at that time. Anyway, it worked for me and has saved our relationship enough to where we can maintain a friendship. I've accepted that we are not a thing any longer, just friends, and that's all it ever will be. It's a waste and a shame, but it is what it is. Some things you have no control over and must accept.

Even though there are similarities in each person's story here, every person's journey is unique and must find their own way. Still, I hope you find comfort in knowing this is more common that you'd think and it's about THEM and NOT YOU. There is nothing you could have said or done differently that would have had a different outcome. It's about what THEY are going through, and not about your responses. Some of the best people are the ones I've seen right here that have been broken up with. In the end, most have gone on to eventually accept it and be happy again.

This was my story:

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Kay,

Thanks a million for your reply and support. I've been following up on your story through this discussion group and another. Your strength and perseverance through your many ordeals is amazing. I take my hat off to you not only for making it through and standing steadfast in the face of your experience(s), but also for having the courtesy and kind-heartedness to help guide others through theirs. Respect.

I've contemplated on starting my own thread but I just keep changing my mind. Don't seem to be decisive about anything anymore. It's like I lost total confidence in my self. One minute I decide on something and the next minute I go back on it or I decide on something different. I'm just soo confused and don't know any more. Maybe I don't want to start a new thread because I'm afraid they might bump into it (not likely, but what if it does happen!), maybe it's because I feel shame (although I know I shouldn't). One thing I do know is that I learnt a lot from this thread and from all your experiences. For one, I've found out that I'm not the only one out there and that all this might really not be my fault. I've learnt that (although extremely difficult and I'm not there yet) I should try to stop making heads and tails of the story cause I'll probably never figure it out. I took your advice on taking care of me (although it doesn't work 99% of the time) and went to a concert yesterday. Who knows, maybe I will start my own thread. At least it might help me vent with people who share the same ordeal, especially that I'm not much of a talker and hence no one around me really has any idea what's going on with me!! It's been 6 months of heartache and I've managed to keep it all to myself. Maybe my thread will help someone else like this one helped me. Who knows. I'll give it some more thought and let you know.

Thanks Kay. I tell you what I tell myself...nothing lasts forever. And this too shall pass. Eventually you'll find the happiness you deserve with the person who will value you for who you truely are.

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Well I gave up on men nearly four years ago, but I keep an open mind so maybe when I'm in my 80s I'll meet someone nice, haha!

I figure that's why we have usernames, so they won't figure you out, honestly, I never cared if anyone knew about me. I've found that everyone I know isn't into me enough to read about me, LOL!

You know what's funny? Years ago, when my kids' dad and I were at the end of our marriage and I was going through pure hell (this is a small town and everyone talks whether they know anything or not), I used to get up, look in the mirror and tell myself "this won't last forever". I also told myself that my value didn't depend on what anyone else thought of me. That thinking has gotten me through a lot! Now to hear you saying that, it's ironic, but so true!

No, this absolutely is not your fault. Actually, it's not his either. It's just an unfortunate set of circumstances. I figure the reason some people break up when they're grieving, while others of us don't, is partly because we have different coping abilities. Some people are not good copers. Others have determination made out of steel. I guess I'm one of those. It's amazing what we can survive! The most important thing is that we make our lives what we want them to be. I like my life like it is. It's peaceful, I have my dog and two cats, I make my own decisions, I turned my family room into a craft room, I can watch what I want on t.v. and go to bed when I want, eat what I want. I don't have to answer to anyone. The down side to that is sometimes I get lonely, esp. holidays, and it's up to me to figure out how to pay for everything and take care of my place. But I'm doing it and I'm okay. I've made a lot of tough decisions the last few years, but I've survived it all. I think it's great that you went to a concert yesterday! Good for you! I'm okay eating alone, going places alone, after all, I'm good company! :D Sometimes I go out with friends, but if no one is around, that's okay too. I talk to my dog a LOT (he has a better vocabulary than most dogs because of it).

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Guys, I don't have much time to write currently. I'm sitting here in tears. Just as everyone else on this post my relationship was ended due to my boyfriend's dad very serious illness that has left him bed ridden. He hasn't passed but could any moment. The pain and emptiness is unreal. He still talks to me through texts on but we all know that isn't a relationship. I need comfort. Depression is a daily battle. I'm trying to be patient and understanding. Yet keep in touch with him in hopes that when he comes around, "we" will have a chance again. All my friends tell me to move on. This is crazy. Has it worked out for anyone after the individual has dealt with their grieve or am I just waiting on something that is hopeless?

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I don't want to give you false hope, I think it's harder on us to drag out the inevitable, but you have to remember that there's no set formula, just commonalities...each case will differ some. I have read and participated in each of the threads on "Loss of Love" section, and I do recall one case out of the many that was able to save their relationship. My relationship as fiance was destroyed but we are still friends four years later. It is up to you how to handle it. How long has it been? It's hard for them to talk about, they feel guilty breaking up, but feel unable to do a relationship at the same times as grieving...and he is grieving even while he does caretaking, anticipatory grief.

I know it hurts, I hope you're keeping busy and spending time with family/friends during this time. For me, the healing couldn't begin until I accepted that we were no longer a couple and wouldn't be.

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I don't want to give you false hope, I think it's harder on us to drag out the inevitable, but you have to remember that there's no set formula, just commonalities...each case will differ some. I have read and participated in each of the threads on "Loss of Love" section, and I do recall one case out of the many that was able to save their relationship. My relationship as fiance was destroyed but we are still friends four years later. It is up to you how to handle it. How long has it been? It's hard for them to talk about, they feel guilty breaking up, but feel unable to do a relationship at the same times as grieving...and he is grieving even while he does caretaking, anticipatory grief.

I know it hurts, I hope you're keeping busy and spending time with family/friends during this time. For me, the healing couldn't begin until I accepted that we were no longer a couple and wouldn't be.

Kay,

Thank you for your response. It helps in some way to know I'm not alone. Many of friends don't understand this. I must say I don't fully understand but do to some point. I tend to shut out the world when I'm upset. In fact, I'm doing it now but trying not to. Thank you for the honesty. I know that there is no set formula just was hoping that someone (some couple) made it through this and their still together on the other side of the grieving. This so painful. I feel like my hands are tied. Unfortunately, all of my family are in Pennsylvania. I have very few friends. When I go out it is normally alone. Working out and spending time detailing my cars has become a BIG release. In fact, I just finished running. Some days I feel like giving up. I can't take any more of this roller coaster ride others I would wait a lifetime for him. He has mentioned getting together a few times but backs out at the last moment. I keep hoping he will ask again to give me a little glimpse of hope even if he backs out. His dad took a turn for the worse toward the begging of July. He wasn't good towards the end of June. I remember we had lunch together. His dad was just about the only thing he spoke of. I could see the pain in his face. As soon as I asked how he felt about it he changed the subject. The other day I was texting him. I didn't mention death and then he brought up something about being afraid to die. This made me think there are a few things bothering/weighing on his mind.

He went out with his friends the other weekend. I have yet to get him to do something with me. How in the world should I take that? One of my friends suggested that guys hanging how doesn't require any emotions in play. This is so difficult. I love him and want to be with him but I can't. When his dad first got really bad. He was unusually quiet. Then, he told me about his dad. He said he would like some time to himself. I said, "Okay, I will respect your wishes. I hope it isn't something I did." His reply was no you didn't do anything. At least I haven't cried today. Not yet, anyhow. I have been praying for him. God be with us all going through difficult times. Help us.

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I don't think you should take it any way, certainly not personal. It's very common that the one going through it wants to be with their friends, but doesn't seem to their BF/GF. I don't know why other than they feel under more pressure to be a certain way with us and aren't up to it.

I'm glad you have something to do with your time that is a release for you...I cleaned my whole house when I went through it (wish it would have lasted!). Yes this is weighing heavily on his mind. Grief changes us.

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Miri, I have seen so many similar stories that are so similar on this site, and I have to say I find it utterly bizarre, although it seems to be common. I really really do not think it is your fault in any way.  I don't understand it. My dad died in January, and I have had the experience of having several people dump me as I was grieving-my sisters and a friend of 30 years. I have tried very hard to not alienate anyone, even though I have been more emotional and less stable than usual during the last months. I can't imagine voluntarily taking on any more loss of connection at this point-to toss away support from someone close to me. 

So, I am responding, not because I have any light to shed from personal experience, but to share my viewpoint that receding and isolating is a way of dealing with grief that is foreign to me and probably to many people. I have worried about clinging too much to people in my grief-the opposite extreme to dumping someone close to me because I am grieving...I don't get it, and I am sorry you have been going through this-it sounds excruciating.

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On 6/11/2011 at 11:27 AM, hello123 said:

 

Maybe he feels guilty for spending time with you instead of his mother,

 

BTW, it's six years since we went through this now.  In the years since, we've talked, and yes, he did feel guilty for the time he'd spent with me when he COULD have been with his mom.  Does it have to make any conscious sense?  No!  The fact is, he couldn't have known she was going to die, she didn't have a cancer diagnosis or anything, just "failure to thrive".  He was a grown man, in his 50s, he was natural and normal for him to want to find a life partner, he did nothing wrong!  And yet he felt guilty.  Sometimes our feelings don't have to make sense and aren't fact-driven, they just are.  But its common to feel guilt when you're grieving.  And it does affect your decision-making, particularly when you're in anticipatory grief and can still change things.

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Did anyone ever hear back from Miri and what the final outcome was? This post is like therapy to me so that's why I felt the need to post my own story. 

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It's been five years since her last post and we haven't heard anything further (Oct. 2011).  Each of our situations has some commonalities but I'd also keep in mind that while we are all unique, so are all of the relationships written about here.

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I am going through something very similar only it's the other way around. I lost my dad on June 14, 2016. I had been in an exclusive relationship for two months when dad passed. When we got together he knew my dad was under the care of hospice and that I was his caregiver. He was so understanding in what I was going through. I knew it was a lot to take on and told him I would understand if it was something he did not want to deal with. When dad passed away he was there for me. Other than him being at work he was right by my side. He was my rock. Our relationship was getting serious and once again I told him that it was a lot to deal with because of my grieving and also being the caregiver of my mom who has dementia so I would understand if he did not want to deal with it. He said he was not going anywhere. A little over a week ago he just stopped coming over, calling and texting. He wouldn't respond to me. I finally got him to tell me he just needed time because he was not happy. That's it.....nothing else.  Are we done??  What did I do??  I know nothing and I am heartbroken. On top of losing dad I have now lost my relationship with a man I was falling in love with. ☹️

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I have heard of this happening also, I'm very sorry.  This is the hardest situation because it's a double whammy.  You did nothing wrong, he was just weak.  I'm sorry.

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Dear members and Contributors,
 
 
I am new here and dealing with a very unique, unorthodox, unimaginable, perplexing set of circumstances.

My name is Mark and I am from Seattle currently in the north end and have been for some years since high school, which will ironically come into play later in my story. Since 2010 I have been caring for my mother with stage 4 terminal cancer Mantle Cell Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. Prior to that I was also greatly assisting her due to other health related issues since about four years before. So yes, since 2006 I have been helping her in some capacity or another, as she is a larger person and was very unsteady, falling all the time smacking her head, broke her nose and several teeth as well as her back ALL three incidences at separate times mind you. Hitting her head falling on the sidewalk was in 2006, her nose and face in 2010 right after the cancer diagnosis and fracturing and breaking several vertebrae/bones in her back happened March of this year 2016.

It has been an uphill battle and in the beginning with her poor health and starting chemo and what it was doing to her -  I was already preparing myself to lose my mother and yet because I have been so loyal to standing by here through everything medically that has happened to her the last ten years, plus the things I have done for her daily as her caregiver I know she wouldn't be here if it weren't for me. I get all the groceries since she can barely walk and her meds as there isn't much to speak of with our relatives that have not offered and aren't willing to help in any way. I have also taken a lot of verbal abuse from her myself as she is not a very warm or caring person and has no depth or compassion for others. She was somewhat when I was a kid but since she has gotten older and sicker, and can't get down stairs very well and go out and enjoy life anymore she has just become very selfish and cold. And it's all about thinking that everything should be about doing whatever to keep her alive and nothing else matters! Not even me or my health and wanting a family of my own. I know I gave too much and should have walked away from this a long time ago, so she wouldn't be able to keep this up pushing the envelope taking me for granted. I have been told this many times and to set boundaries, and have done all that I can but once things reach a certain point it's hard to turn things around.

I met a beautiful woman a year before all this happened or began in 2009 and she was a professional caregiver in Eastern Wa. in a care facility. She helped me greatly with her and went out of her way to be an aid to me in caring for my mother, but my mom even when sick and battling cancer can be so ungrateful & nasty and resentful and that's how she was towards my girlfriend at the time. My mom went back and forth from being sweet and kind one minute to gossiping and backstabbing about my ex and her kids the next, because she wanted to be in control of everything and since she couldn't would say all kinds of mean, terrible things just out of spite. My ex and her clashed a lot and my mom's whole side of the family is pretty messed up, and this woman I was dating at the time after six years walked out of my life last year because of all this in 2015. I loved this woman with my whole being and prayed for her to come into MY LIFE for over 20 years, and then I finally see her on a dating site and it was totally magical and this is what happens and how it ends !???

Then after months of wandering around every day in the cold and rain last fall and winter trying to sort all this out grieving my lost relationship because of family interference, just wanting to scream, but my health has already suffered enough from getting angry over this so I just held it all in for all long as I could until I would have a complete breakdown/meltdown right in the middle of the grocery store and then crying letting it all out! (yet the pain never went away because this wasn't right and didn't make any sense) ..... I decided to reach out to an old girlfriend from high school that I dumped almost 30 years ago. She has two girls one adult that was heavily into drugs and then a nine year old. It's been a year and her daughters especially the youngest will not give me any kind of chance and doesn't want me dating her mom again period! She throws tantrums and causes scenes every time we have been in a public place or on the way going in the car. My ex from high school and I still were trying to make a little time at least a couple times a week to hang out and talk, and even more when the girls went to visit their father's in Alaska and Oregon. We went to lots of movies and cuddled and played card games and it was really nice reconnecting.

Just recently within the last 5 weeks however a close childhood friend of hers died of breast cancer that I think had spread. Now as you guessed she isn't texting/calling anything anymore and she just lives a few houses down and over, in the same house she grew up in with her parents til she gets situated enough to get her own place. She has been back for two years now after a 14 year stay in Alaska where she met her youngest daughter's father.

This time back in my life earlier this year she has said now that I found her again that "she wasn't going anywhere and I wasn't getting rid of her again!" :-) But I haven't been allowed to see her in two months even a month prior to the death of her friend and even then wasn't seeming like herself on my birthday. She also has HSV1 and 2 oral and genital herpes from someone she was with in her twenties. I'm wondering if the stress from loosing her friend has caused an outbreak that she isn't telling me about, though we have not shared in any intimacy in the last year from when we started dating again and at that time is when she did tell me that she had the STD. I don't have any and am choosing to keep it that way.

I'm just trying to figure all this out the best I can and make sense of it all, while feeling sick and having pains in my stomach every day after all that has happened! there are bits and pieces more to the story yet that is the jist of it.
 
 

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13 hours ago, Mark137 said:

This time back in my life earlier this year she has said now that I found her again that "she wasn't going anywhere and I wasn't getting rid of her again!"

She meant it at the time but things happen in life that sometimes change things.

She is grieving and sometimes people can't handling doing a relationship while they are grieving.  Grief changes us in such a way that we aren't the same anymore.  Grief continues, although evolving, and it takes a long time to process it and adjust to your life without the person you lost.

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

You may not be able to help her through her grief if she is pushing you away or not responding.  There is no way to control the outcome of this relationship, we can only do so much but the other person has a say in what happens.

I am sorry for your pain, I've been there and I know how much it hurts.  You are grieving HER, and your relationship, even as you fear it's outcome.  It's very painful, I know, but you will get through this, just as you have the other hard places in your life.  I wish you the best.

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I am without any other family because mine hasn't been close in decades and many have also passed on. Those that have recently dump, walk away from or push me out all have large families and I have NO kind of family or close friend support present or available to me and I can't even get a hug to save my life !! this last one from high school our souls were connected in ways that we discussed equally both felt something was missing the whole time for 29 years until we reconnected. We were that missing piece that drifted apart all those years ago and now to have it happen due to something completely unrelated to "us" as a couple and soul mates and I am always left to start over with no family, no kids or anything just a sick and verbally & emotionally abusive mother and I have to grieve that too that my mother was emotionally abusive to one of my ex's (the first one that walked away last after 6 years) and I have not told anyone on my mom's side about the newest one from high school because I know exactly how that would go the same as with the first one. So I just have to hold all this in even though I have counseling it's NOT the same as having a family that truly cares from a personal and relational standpoint that will always be there and so we don't have to be alone. I am not in the best of health anymore and just always believed there would be ONE person who would never walk away leaving me with no one to talk to, share with, give HUGS just because and to support and comfort one another. This last one I was with again for the last 9 months until Sept. '16 is on facebook constantly "liking" or sharing posts and recipes (which I know is her way of coping) and trying to sooth the pain from the loss of her friend. Yet I have been totally excluded over night and now without anyone to be there to support me in my many losses! i.e. the mother I once new and trusted and was close with is gone, the one I was going to marry and was with for six years GONE and the one I should have stayed with and married after high school now is gone too! And I have no one, not a single person in my life anymore and because of my health I just can't go paint the town and meet new people or make new friends. And online it's getting harder and harder and so many people that lie and pretend to be something they are not and most ladies want a guy who is perfectly health and working which I am not able to right now yet am on disability after many accidents & traumas I have experienced.  So I understand things happen yet to leave and walk away or seeming to without something more said knowing I am also and already was hurting and grieving too is what is hard to take and where to go from here when I am feeling so empty and alone cause I gave all the best of me away to those I though would never do harm to it and misuse my trust and leave me with nothing or no one.

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I am sorry you're in such a dark place, seemingly without hope.  Sometimes when we're in the thick of it, it's hard to see your way out.  I'm glad you're getting counseling, that is a start, it's someone trained and objective that can maybe see where you can't.  Of course it's not the same as having someone close that cares.  It will take building relationships, and that takes great effort and time and patience.  I can relate to that as I lost all my friends when my husband died, built new ones but they've moved.  My kids are grown and live elsewhere and busy with their lives, I am left alone on my own.  As of last night I will no longer have health insurance, which is concerning.  One year to go to Medicare!
The only thing I can suggest is getting out around people and working on meeting and building relationships.  I volunteer at my church and at the senior site, it gets me out around people.  I have a lot of acquaintances but not really close friends nearby, but I'm working on it, little by little.  The worst thing we can do is give up!

I don't know how much you can get out, with your disability and with taking care of your mom, but it's important to be able to get away for a few hours on a regular basis.  Is your mom on hospice where someone could come in a relieve you for a spell?  If not, you might talk to senior services about someone coming in.  When my mom was alive they had a program that would pay someone a few hours a week to do housework, get groceries, or even just sit and visit.  My mom refused it, but it would have been a help.  With it being on you to take care of her, you should have more input than just what she wants because this concerns you as well since the demands are so high on you.

I'm sorry, I know this is all taking its toll, but it's important to look out for your own needs, not just your mom's.  Her world has dwindled so much that all she sees are HER needs and not yours, it will be up to you to establish boundaries and ensure they're adhered to and it will likely be fighting tooth and nail all the way.  I read a book that helped me greatly in dealing with my mom, who was very manipulative and controlling and mental, it was called "Emotional Blackmail" and I highly recommend it.  It changed my life, and our interaction, and actually made it possible to have a relationship with her, because it's easy to get swallowed up by them.

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11 hours ago, PippyL said:

How are things now?

PippyL, this thread is 7 years old now. Her last update was I think in 2011. As far as I am aware, no she did not get back together with this guy. She posted on one of her last updates that things were over and done between them. I read her and Tom19s story and many others here like mine and yours, and none of us have reconciled with the people who brought us here. Might I suggest starting your own thread instead of reviving and taking over someone else's. You need to understand that each of these are unique, but also similar as you can see if you read through them. Just because one person got back together/through this with their partner does not mean someone else's outcome will be the same. We all thought we'd be the exception, and we all wanted to be, but none of us were. It's just how things turned out. I came here 3 years ago looking for hope too. While I didn't find hope we'd reconcile, I DID find ways to move on and get over him. KayC, Marty and the other contributors give fantastic advice because we've all been through this.

However, there is some stellar advice in this thread from Ron B, KayC and Tom19. I suggest reading through it to get some perspective and heeding the advice given.

--Rae :)

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