Why Would Someone End A Good Relationship While Grieving?

[Miri]

Some of my friends are here, and it's comforting to be with them, but also sad that I can't share any of the wonderful things I've been seeing and doing with my loved one, as we had planned together so many months ago. I wonder if he is thinking about how he is missing out, or if he remembers our plans at all.

Tomorrow my friends want to go to a part of the coastline and a really nice restaurant overlooking the sea that are very special to me because I took my bf there last year. It was one of our best memories - we were so intensely happy and in love. We watched the sunset from an outdoor balcony and everything was beautiful. I still remember almost every detail of what we ate, what we talked about during that trip last year and have many pictures from it. I don't know if I should go because it may be too painful to revisit those places without him, but at the same time, I don't want to let him ruin these favorite places for me. I will think about it some more and decide later tonight.

I am so appreciative to everyone here for your support. It helps so much to be able to talk here about the painful experience we're going through and to know that you truly understand. I admire Tom for his strength in being able to move on so positively. I know I am still hanging on and need to let go, but it's so hard because I want to cherish and treasure all those good memories. It was an intense relationship and some of the greatest joy I've ever had in my life. But it is exactly as Kay says, that because of the way things ended, it's hard to just feel comforted by those memories of love.

I am also dreading holidays and events to come, as my bf would always take care to celebrate them with me, though he hadn't before as a bachelor. Even a silly holiday like Halloween, he actually went and surprised me with a costume though he hadn't gotten one in years. And he put up lights and decorations at his apartment for Christmas though he usually never did since he travels away to see family at Christmas. It will be sad to no longer be able to share any of that with him.

[kayc]

Wed. it will be one year since I received his Fed Ex "break up". I don't feel the same as then. I still feel angry for what he did and how he did it but I don't let it rule me. I still like him, still think he's cute, know I could fall prey to him so guard my heart so carefully, I do not trust him and will not. He deliberately set out to win my trust and then look what he did with it. I do not see how he could so easily just throw me away and I meant nothing to him and neither did all of the time we spent together or the plans we'd made.

You ask if your ex remembers...yes he remembers, yes he thinks about you...does he think he's missing out? No. No he doesn't or he'd be there. They don't feel as we do or they couldn't do what they did. We are different types of people...we value our relationships and cherish their preciousness...they don't, at least, not with us. To be dumped to suddenly, so drastically, that shows a clear and utter disregard and it also intimates that we were led to believe something they didn't really feel about us. That makes our relationship, our memories, everything...a sham. I choose not to pay a whole lot of regard to wasting my time crying over him. If he has any regrets, let him shed his tears, but as for me, I don't deserve to cry.

[Miri]

Reading around here in some other sections, I found that there were many posts under "Behaviors in Bereavement" about getting irritated and upset when friends wanted to talk about their own problems, which seemed terribly trivial in comparison with a death. Thinking back to those ten days after my bf's mother died and when he returned from taking care of arrangements and told me he needed a break, I wonder if that is something I may have inadvertently done which pushed him away. I tried to be sensitive and listened attentively to everything he wanted to talk to me about, but when he asked me what I was doing or asked about my day I would end up talking about some mundane thing that was on my mind.

One thing I mentioned was having to shop for and buy a new laptop for work because he ended up taking with him a laptop he had just given me to use, which had my work software installed on it. I think this was literally the day after his mother died (because I needed it immediately for work). I was extremely stupid to even bring it up but I guess it just came up in the course of discussing what I had done that day. In retrospect I wish I had just not said anything about it.

Later in the week I was having serious issues with a passive-aggressive person I had to work with and asked him for advice on how to deal with it (after apologizing for bothering him with it at a time like this - but saying that I knew he was the best person to ask for advice because he often has to deal with adversarial people). Now I wonder if that was just extremely insensitive of me to even bring it up so soon after his mother's death. I thought it was fine as he seemed comfortable talking about it (he gave me some great advice, as I knew he would), and I thought perhaps it would be helpful to give him some sense of normalcy, that life would go on. But now I really wonder if that is why he started to feel like he couldn't talk to me about his grief.

And of course, I wonder whether there is anything I can say now to make amends for it.

I know I shouldn't keep second-guessing myself - if this had been a serious problem for him I wish he could have communicated that to me and I would of course have been more aware of and sensitive about what I was doing and would not have talked about any of my own worries or problems. At the time it just seemed like it was fine but I wonder if that is what made him turn away from me during those days.

Going to the coast with friends today - hope it doesn't trigger too much sadness.

[kayc]

A few days after my friend lost her husband, I caught my husband cheating on me...not just cheating but actually LIVING with the other woman in our trailer near his job! (he'd come home on weekends), this had been going on for three months and I was literally shell shocked. My GF later told me how offended her and her daughter were that I talked to her about what I was going through "at such a time". I felt that was what friends were for, I was there for her and I'd felt she'd be there for me, no matter what we were going through. I guess I was wrong. I felt what she was going through was important to her but what I was going through wasn't. (Her husband's death was expected and had been coming for a long time, so it wasn't the shock like I got.) But you may have something here. Still, needing your laptop for work may seem mundane to him in comparison but it's very relevant and necessary all the same! Can you do anything to make amends? Probably not, but only time will tell. My GF and I had a falling out a year later and didn't have anything to do with each other (many incidents) but eventually were able to rebuild our friendship although I don't think it's ever been 100% the same as before for either of us. Good luck!

[haveFAITH]

If a man wants to be with you, nothing can keep him away. If a man does not want to be with you, nothing can make him stay.

[Miri]

He had just given me the laptop a few days before his mother died. I remember him sending me the arrangements to pick it up just 3 or 4 days before. It was not an inexpensive computer but it was something that he had wanted to provide for me. These are not the actions of someone who doesn't have every intention of staying in a serious relationship for a long while. Something just changed for him emotionally after his mother died but there hadn't been anything wrong with our relationship before and neither of us could have foreseen it would end so suddenly.

I know that to understand any of this I have to know it is really about his experience of grief and not a normal relationship context. That is what everyone keeps telling me but it's still so hard to accept it. Especially when he can't even talk to me or deal with it in any way that seems normal at all.

Yesterday I went to those special places I had shared with him and felt surprisingly detached while I was there. I did not break down as I was afraid I might. But today I'm really feeling so alone again. I woke up from a dream that we were still together and he was still himself.

I'm going to see a therapist today and hope that will help. I feel like I've talked so much with my friends about everything and already know the answers and what I need to do, but just don't want to let go. I've never had therapy before so I don't know what it can do for me but maybe it'll help me change my patterns of thinking.

[kayc]

I'm glad to hear you're going to find a therapist, maybe it'll help you. I remember the very moment I detached from Jim, I had to for my own sanity, it was about four months after he broke up with me. He'd yanked me around emotionally (he probably hadn't meant to) and I just couldn't take it anymore, I had to not avail myself to him emotionally any more, and if it wasn't for that we couldn't be friends today. I had to accept our changed terms of relationship and it meant distancing myself. I won't say it never hurts, I think it left it's indelible marks on me, one reason I don't want a relationship again.

[haveFAITH]

How are you doing Miri?

[Miri]

Thanks for asking. I check in here frequently, but did not have time to respond right away as I've been very tired lately. Unfortunately I don't think I'm doing much better. I haven't been able to make the progress some of you have. I was out of town for a couple of weeks and it was nice to have a change of scenery, but I missed him everywhere I went. And I still miss him now that I'm back. I still think of him most of the time, during the day and as I fall asleep at night. And when I wake up in the morning - that's the worst because it's almost like I have to remember again that he's gone. It's a horrible feeling. Some days I'm better but I still cry a lot of the time when I'm alone.

I started seeing a therapist who was recommended to me by a friend who studies clinical psychology, but I'm not sure it's helping. So far it just seems like I talk and cry and then all she says is that I need to try to find enjoyable things to do to distract myself and to take up a new activity. And that I need to sleep and eat well, etc. This I know I am supposed to do already, I don't need a professional to tell me this. And I have tried. I have a lot of good things happening in my life, supportive friends, a great work environment, an active social life, lots of new activities and things to be thankful for. I don't know if my expectations are too high, but I was hoping that she would help me figure out deeper issues or help me understand, accept, and get unstuck. I've never needed to see a therapist before so I don't know much about how it's supposed to work. My concern is that it's been very expensive (and she doesn't take insurance), so I don't want to just be throwing all this money down the drain and not have any results to show for it.

I wish I could find acceptance and move on, but I just miss him so much. Everything reminds me of him. I am still grieving - his absence from my life has really felt like a death because he's been so utterly unreachable. With each month he just seems to pull further away. I noticed today that he changed his Facebook settings so that I could no longer post on his wall or see his photos, and this was upsetting because it hadn't changed for me in all those months until now. I don't know why he suddenly wanted to deny me even that small part of him now. I miss seeing his old photos and it hurts to think I might never be able to access them again.

I wish I could feel better, but the one thing that would help the most would be simply to be able to talk to him, even as a friend, and for whatever reason, he won't. I find it so hard to understand why he would treat me like this. I know he has been through something very traumatic and he was probably emotionally devastated, but I was important to him and I had a special place in his life. He did not abandon any of his friends or relatives. His behavior doesn't make sense to anyone and I know I deserved better. But I can't even be angry at him because he's suffered the loss of his parents. I don't know how to feel better, it seems like it's been a long time already but it still almost feels like yesterday. I don't know how he could just forget everything between us that quickly and just act like I'm a stranger.

[kayc]

Miri,

You are going through the same thing the rest of us did and you have to consider that you haven't been at it as long...for me it's been over a year and my response is not the same now as it was ten months ago or a year ago. It hurts like the dickens and the only cure is time, something which we can't rush. Try to be patient and understanding of yourself and know that you are right where you should be in your grief journey...yes, I say grief journey, for you are grieving too, not just him. Their responses, to break off contact with the person most supportive and loving of them makes no sense to any of us, and yet it seems to be a common grief response. I wish I could explain it but I can't. It is the one thing I wanted so I could accept it, but never got...an explanation as to how/why they could do this to us. I never got that. But I did, after a few months, get contact with him again, and at first it was very painful because I had to accept our new relationship was changed, different, and instead of loving me and calling me his cutie pie, I was more like an acquaintance, just someone he talked on the phone with now and then. It was when I realized that, that I had to close my heart off to the hope of ever being back together again, for my own good, because it wasn't happening and I had to accept reality and protect myself. It's very hard to do and it was that night that I shed buckets of tears...

but not again.

[cosmicpixie]

I was with my bf for almost 10 and a half years (I'm 29). We got engaged back in Feb on our 10 year anniversary. We booked the wedding etc. at the end of April for 2 years time.

 

Suddenly in May, his brother was rushed to hospital with severe chicken pox / pneumonia and had to be placed into a medically induced coma. The day after this happened, his mum died suddenly of a heart attack.

 

We managed to get through the 4 weeks after the funeral, but since she died he had been on a site called Open Diary (which is a blogging site, really) and a 19 year old girl had befriended him. She lived 2 hrs away. She came to see him, he came to see her so I let it carry on because I thought "well, if she is helping him through his grief..."

 

He started to get attracted to her and she him. She wrote him love letters, poems and would not back off even though he was engaged. He did not stop her as he valued her friendship and didn't want to lose it. We were drifting further apart as all he would be concerned about is her and her problems.

 

I got accused of creating the distance, and about 6 weeks after his mum's death he kept saying "I don't know if we'll make it, don't know if we should be together" etc. etc.

 

This was killing me - on top of knowing how attracted he was to this girl. In the end I snapped that he was spending more time worrying about her than me (I was stressed - had been a rock to him and hid dad through it all). After that argument we managed to claw it back (even though he said he was finishing with me).

 

In the end it went on a few more weeks as we had concerts tog o to, and he kep messaging and phoning her not understanding why it hurt me even though I told him so. One day in July he sent a text saying I never cared or loved him. Made me see red so I went home from work, packed a few things to stay at my mum's house for a few days to give him space. I snooped on his laptop as I was so worried something was going on and left my jewellery behind. These 2 reasons are what he gave when he broke up with me via text.

 

I can read his online blog and see that he so wants to be with this other girl so badly and that hurts so bad. I wish he had just been honest - I would have been devastated, but better that than be lied to.

 

Any advice would be appreciated on how to fully get over this - been 3 and a half weeks now so I am getting there. What hurts is how he tossed away 10 years aside of pure love and devotion from me to have....what? I am trying to think that his mum dying flicked a switch that made him look at me and see how close I was to her and how badly he didn't want to be reminded of what had happened. This other girl was not involved at all.

 

Any advice or words would be gladly welcomed at this time.

[kayc]

Cosmicpixie,

It is the feelings of betrayal, the feelings of being lied to, that seem to be the hardest to deal with. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation...ten years is a very long time so your feelings are very understandable. I know he was foggy in his grief and slid into this relationship with the other girl, but the fact is, your relationship had a very weak spot...his lack of boundaries. He should have had adequate boundaries in place that guarded your relationship so this wouldn't happen. But he didn't. In my opinion, and please forgive me because I know you love him still, but in my opinion, he is undeserving of your love and devotion, for his should have equaled yours, he should have had deep appreciation for your being a solid rock to him. You are likely right in that his relationship with this other girl will be lacking...for one thing, it began as something illicit...she did not have the right to take up with him knowing he was committed to someone else...just as he did not have the right to break his vows to you. It will cause them problems in the future, but that is their's to deal with.

For you, your goal would be to get over him, to move on with your life, to put the pieces back together and create something wonderful of your life...right now that seems easier said than done, 3 1/2 weeks isn't very long although it probably seems like a lifetime already, it will take you much more time to get over him, but you will. Let your sense of indignation at what he did to you surface long enough to fuel your determination to create something positive for yourself through this experience.

Between now and the time you can reach that goal...please come here...vent, cry, get angry, heal, all of it, for all is needed. You may want to copy and paste your story into your own thread, one where we can come and respond to you...or better yet, have a moderator move it to a new thread all your own, that and my response, so we don't hijack this one, okay? Good luck to you, and lots of (((hugs)))!

[MartyT]

Kay, dear, you said, You may want to copy and paste your story into your own thread, one where we can come and respond to you...or better yet, have a moderator move it to a new thread all your own, that and my response, so we don't hijack this one, okay?

Your idea of copying and pasting her story into her own thread is a good one. While I'd be happy to comply with moving it, it would be better for Cosmicpixie to start such a thread on her own, as I don't think I can start a thread on her behalf. That way, she can give it whatever title she would like.

[cosmicpixie]

apologies for hijacking this thread Miri - not very good with forums so didn't know I could start my own. Have done this now but it's gone on twice - doh!

Thanks for the advice MartyT.

KayC - I have read your story on here over the last day or so and you are just so inspiring - how you keep going on is an inspiration to us all. I think you hit the nail on the head about his boundaries - he didn't put them up properly with this girl. She got under his skin. My mum keeps saying maybe it would have happened anyway and I think she could be right. Everything was fine up to end April, his mum died start of May - he says cracks were there before but why would he let me put our money down on wedding deposits etc?

His grief is not an excuse for this - but I don't know how to explain it all in my head? I know I should hate him so much - and I do in a way but miss the old "us" at the same time. Why did his grief make him so cruel - that is what I would like to know? This girl though - she has gone back to her BF....I'm sure this is killing my ex but that makes me a little bit happy...wrong, I know.

Thanks so much for your kind words - they lifted me up on a horrible Monday morning in work. I just want to move on from this - I'm going to buy my own place and a new car - those are goals...but material things don't really matter right now :-(

[kayc]

It is quite understandable that you are glad they didn't make it...to be quite honest, "affairages" (relationships/marriages that started from affairs that broke up another relationship) don't have very good statistics of making it so they were pretty doomed to start with. The thing she should have realized but was so young she probably didn't, is that if someone isn't trustworthy with someone else, they won't be with you either. She clearly didn't know what she wanted, maybe just enjoyed the attentions coming her way, and that's a lesson to him...hopefully someday he can take that lesson with him that it's important to appreciate and stand by the stuff and not flake out on those who are most loyal to us.

[Miri]

Hi everyone,

It's been a long time since I've posted. Life has been very busy. I finally will be seeing my ex-bf tonight. It's been about six months since his mother died and 5 months since the last time we ever saw each other and spoke. He's only contacted me because I asked to get my belongings back. It surprised me that he offered to meet me in person since I didn't ask him to do that and since he hasn't even wanted to talk to me all these months. I don't know how it will go. I don't know how I should behave or what I should say to him. There's so much I want to talk to him about. I would like to just be able to get to a state of "normalcy" with him where there isn't this horrible state of mind where he won't even talk to me. We used to be so close and talk to each other every day, but now he seems to want to act like I was never a part of his life. Everyone tells me I've done nothing wrong. It's just so messed up and confusing.

He seems to have recovered from his grieving process and has seemed more cheerful in the tone of things he's posted online lately, though I know there's no way I can tell how much the grief is still affecting him. He seems so normal and friendly to everyone else now except for me.

If there is any advice on how I should behave, please post. I will see him in about 12 hours and I feel so lost and anxious about this.

[kayc]

Hi, this may be too late since it's been 12 hours now but I would try and keep it light, as friends, no relationship talk, put him at ease. Perhaps there will be a day when you can talk about things, perhaps not...Jim still won't and it's been 13 1/2 months, I've given up on ever getting answers and have just accepted this is how things are. Good luck, let us know how it goes!

[Miri]

It's done. Six months after this nightmare started, I have taken my things and exited from his life. I hope this will give me some better sense of closure. It's still hard to accept what happened, but I've given it time and he hasn't gotten better so I must try more constructively to move on rather than hold onto any hope.

His mood was pretty snappy and tense when I was there. He had put a few of my things by the door but it wasn't even half of everything I had there (he seemed to be having memory problems) so I had to go through to pick up a lot of other things that were at the apartment. He offered to help carry the stuff to the car. I paused and asked if there was anything he wanted to say. It went against most people's advice which was to say nothing but I figured at this point, I needed answers in order to understand and accept this better, and my feelings and needs should now take precedence over any worrying about "pushing" (especially as it doesn't seem like it would change anything for him even if I didn't ask to talk).

He just said he was sorry at first, but seemed kind of annoyed. Just sorry, and that there was nothing else he could really say. But then he went on to say that he'd been going through a hell of a lot lately and that that was his problem and not mine. Told me not to worry about him, he was fine, and that he had to do things his way. He claimed that all the standard grieving norms were bullsh*t and didn't apply to him. But also that he couldn't be in a relationship with anyone now and can't handle any emotional expectations at all. He said that he wasn't a nice or generous person (but I know that before all this, he was) and didn't want to put me through being treated with less respect than I deserve. And that he didn't want me to wait because time was running differently for him and he felt all this wasn't a phase he was going through (though it seems to me that it is - he is clearly not himself anymore). He said that we could maybe be friends after a lot of time and distance but that we could not return to being in a relationship again.

When I asked him to explain why, as we had a good relationship and it was going well until after his mother suddenly died, that was the part which really doesn't make sense. He claimed that we had communication problems and that I didn't understand him. But before all this, we always used to talk so much with each other every day. We shared and told each other about everything, and he always said that talking to me made him feel better and that I understood him and made him feel stronger. I did feel like I was closer to him than anyone. He also said that we weren't compatible, which I think is nonsense again. We shared a lot of interests and tastes in common and were more compatible than most other couples I know. We got along so great. I doubt he'll ever meet anyone who is a better match for him.

The worst part was when he started to say that he couldn't deal with any "emotionally overwrought" things and then he cited as examples my getting on that flight to help him, that friends had told him I was moving into his neighborhood (which is nonsense, I never had any such plans and don't know why anyone would say that to him!), and that I had come to ring on his doorbell the last weekend unannounced - this after HE said we could meet last weekend, and then wouldn't answer email or messages telling him I would like to come at that time and asking when he would be available - thus there was plenty of notice. I was in the area and just tried to stop by and see if he was around - something I think any reasonable person under the circumstances should be able to do - I don't think I crossed a line and I can't believe he would use this as an excuse to be bothered by my behavior.

I think this is pretty irrational and unfair. The only possibly valid one is the flight, but I was perfectly calm, supportive as a friend, and not emotionally overwrought at all when I went there and in any case, if he felt that uncomfortable about it he could have talked to me so that I could have a chance to explain why I did it, instead of leaving me in limbo and refusing to talk for months!!! I can understand a bit why that may have made him feel unsettled but that was mostly a reaction that he chose, and most people would not have taken it so badly. I do think that was the turning point for him and I am saddened that I will have to think of my great gesture of compassion and caring for him as a mistake that can never be undone.

It pains me that he would perceive our past so unfairly and not remember us as we truly were. A lot of all this seems to just be in his head. There were other little signs that he wasn't quite all there mentally or emotionally so he is clearly still going through something. The question is whether he'll always be this way now or whether someday he'll remember things as they really were and remember what a great relationship we had and how we had so much planned that we were looking forward to in the future. Because I didn't want to start a fight I just accepted what he said but I think someday in the future I would like to point all this out to him.

I look back and I realize that I was an amazing girlfriend to him. I made him happier than anything and he was crazy about me up to the end, until he suddenly just snapped after his mother's death. It's unfathomable to me that I was so important and close to him, and then in what seemed like a single instant, he could just freak out and stop caring and talking to me. It feels so wrong and I don't know if it will ever be made right. He seemed to be doing fine with his friends and everyone else in his life except for me, but last night it was clear to me he wasn't really fine. Seems like there is a lot of denial and bullsh*t still going on.

[Ron B.]

Miri,

Well, I think you have accomplished something that was actually quite difficult. It took a lot of courage for you to face your former man-friend. And you got through it well enough. Bravo to you!

You mentioned 'closure'. Though you don't have all the answers now, you seem more settled in your own mind about the break-up. It's natural that you are still sorting things out, but at least you are no longer psychologically stuck. You've done the grief-work, your thoughts and feelings have evolved, and you are stronger now for having endured the difficulty.

Everybody who passes through grief experiences a great deal of pain. Everybody here knows that. What may not be equally obvious is that grief can educate us, strengthen our character, and foster our personal growth. I am in my 50's now, and I have never changed so much in such a short period of time, except perhaps as a child and adolescent. The passing of my mother brought on a sudden maturity. I wouldn't take away any of the pain of my own grief experience. Facing the pain is what helps me grow. Likewise, I hope you feel stronger for having made a successful passage through your own grief.

Ron B.

[kayc]

Miri,

What you have experienced is, unfortunately, not unique...it is identical to what I and so many others have gone through. Our relationship was good, we could tell each other everything, we weren't fighting, we got along great, we had plans for our future, and he withdraws to take care of his dying mother and snaps and breaks up with me, wouldn't talk to me for months, but when he does, won't give me reasons other than he snapped and has indicated either through his words or his actions that we were not going to get back together. What I experienced emotionally as a result of being yanked around like this, no one should have to go through. Upon reconnecting, he confused me, even telling me one time he loved me (habit?), telling me he'd probably come see me sometime, then vehemently rejecting my invitation to him a few weeks later to come visit...I had to, after that, close off his power to hurt me and consciously make the decision, this is not happening again. He can talk to me all he wants, he's not getting into my heart again. I miss him, I still don't get what happened, I doubt I ever will, nor has he ever fully explained it to me. He has changed, pure and simple, he is not who he once was. How can grief do that to someone? Over a year has gone by and he remains this new person, somewhat of a stranger to me. Is he happier? I don't see and hear it that way. He is lacking in motivation and somewhat depressed, he's gained weight, he's alone except for his roommate. And yet, like in your case, he remains the same to his friends, why is that? Why do they change to us but not to their friends? Perhaps they truly feel they cannot have any expectation on them, they cannot give the least little amount, they are unfit for a relationship at this time and perhaps ever. I've lost my dad, I didn't do this. I lost my sweet husband, I didn't shut people out. I've lost a lot of people, grandparents, uncles, niece, nephew...still, I never responded this way. Yet obviously, some do.

We have to let go of them because they are gone to us, gone in the way we knew them, and definitely, the relationship we had and experienced is gone. We can be friends after a time, but I use the term loosely, because they will be superficial usurpers of the people we once knew...they will not give, they will not care.

The greatest thing we can do after such an experience is focus on ourselves. Whether or not we choose to enter a new relationship is something only we can decide, but if we do, we need to be acutely aware of red flags and proceed cautiously. For myself, I'm not interested...that is perhaps the worst thing Jim hurled at me, he has affected my ability to trust, to try again. I remain alone, I don't see anyone out there worth trying again, I see potential heartbreak and letdown and want no part of it.

[Jac11]

I cannot believe I finally found this forum where you are all going thru my situation. My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me after his father's passing. In this case his father died by suicide, which is a traumatic enough death to grieve. About a week after the funeral, my boyfriend (or should I be saying ex) decided to move in with his mom to help her with the house/finances/etc. During that process he told me that he cannot be in a realtionship right now with everything that he is dealing with. I couldn't understand how someone would push away the person they are suppoosed to be in love with at a time when you'd think they want to lean on that person for support. Not many people understand that he is really not himself-I can see that when I talk to him....but they feel I am making excuses for what he is doing. I want to be supportive, be there for him but this is breaking my heart. To see that so many of your situations are so simiiar is helping in that I realize I am not alone.

[kayc]

Hi Jac, I'm sorry you're going through this. You might want to start your own thread here so people can find you easier. I had never heard of this either until I went through it...my ex broke up with me 14 months ago. I don't understand it any more now than I did then except at least now I know this is common as look at all of us here that have been through it. It isn't how I would handle loss, but apparently it's their way. I wish you didn't have to go through this, I know how much it hurts.

[Miri]

I was starting to do better and move on, but over the weekend I learned devastating news that my ex's grandfather died in July. I can't believe I was never informed - I found out on my own by discovering an obituary online. I'm in shock and extremely saddened. Also hurt that he didn't want to tell me, even when I saw him last week. I cared about his grandfather and feel like I had a right to know.

At the very least it would have helped put things into perspective. He has lost everyone he cared really deeply about in the last six months. His grandfather's house, which he visited several times a year and spent all family holidays, is now empty. Before all this terrible stuff happened, he had wanted to take me there to meet his family. We were planning to go in April but of course his mother died right before. Now there is no family for him to return to. I can only imagine his pain.

I feel oceans of overwhelming sadness for his loss, and hurt that I was not told. Not long ago I was closer to him than anyone but now he really is treating me like a stranger. I want so much to write to him about this but I guess I really shouldn't. It feels terribly wrong to just say nothing but I don't know what the best course of action is.

[kayc]

Miri,

Jim broke up with me when his mom was actually dying (he was her caretaker, an exhausting job, getting very little sleep and food, no breaks for over two months). I read on FB that his mom died...he hadn't called me either, but I sent him a sympathy card just saying I was sorry she died and he'd been a wonderful son to her. As soon as he got the card, he called me and talked for 3 1/2 hours, telling me about everything that'd happened since he'd broken up with me. We didn't get back together, but we have remained friends of a sort...we don't do things together, I think he's afraid I'll want more...I don't, I don't want him back for many reasons, so he needn't worry about that. But he has indicated that he thinks of me, has even considered going places with me, etc. Honestly, by this time, I don't care anymore. He just plain hurt me too bad, ruined my ability to trust, and I haven't gotten a decent excuse or apology out of him...he's just told me his mom didn't want him with me, even though she never even met me. I think that's lame, personally.

Death takes it's toll in so many ways, it changes a person forever. Some seem unaffected by death of a parent, but others are affected tremendously, and it's hard to predict who will react what way. When my father died, I WANTED my loved one's support! Yet when Jim was losing his mom, he felt he couldn't be stretched in two directions, couldn't give to our relationship...and when she was gone, he never resumed the relationship or seemed to want it back. I have no explanation for that except it's happened on here enough times to know that this must be a common response. I don't get it. I only know that it is.

You might want to send him a sympathy card...do so without thought of getting anything in return...no explanation, no resumption of relationship, nothing. Just do so because he was once someone special in your life and you care. Don't hope for anything...that way it can't hurt you anew if it doesn't happen. Just do it because you're a good person. Since you had a relationship with his grandfather, you might say something to the effect that you will miss him too, maybe even share something you will miss about him. My (ex) FIL passed away this year, I went to his funeral, I sent a card to each branch of the family...even though my ex and I have been divorced for 11 years. My FIL and I had continued our relationship beyond the divorce, I even brought him home from the hospital and visited him in his assisted living facility, so it didn't matter to me if the family wanted me there or not, he would have and that's what mattered. As it was, they appreciated it and were gracious...I did not sit with family, but tried to be unobtrusive in the back, but I felt I needed to attend his funeral...for him.

[Samar]

Waw. I can't believe this forum/discussion group; it's like me reading my own story with a slight twist of difference (then again, maybe my twist of difference is not slight but I'm the one who just can't tell. I can't seem to tell anything anymore!!!)

Anyway, I realize it's been 3 years since anyone's made any input here. I'm not sure if anyone is still even following it. If you are, how did your experiences end up? Any luck? Is there ANY hope???

Miri, I've been soo touched by your story (and by everyone else's). I don't think I could've put mine in better words than some of you used. Kay, you used the term "damaged goods", that's the perfect term to describe how I feel.

After all these years, is anyone still here?? Does anyone have any update that might shed even just a slight glimps of hope?! Any psychiatrists or opposing parties out there who would care to explain (and by opposing parties I mean people who are the original grievers and who eventually made grievers out of us - cause that's how I see us: grievers over loss of loved ones too; only ours rejected us rather than died on us!)?