Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Why Would Someone End A Good Relationship While Grieving?


Recommended Posts

It can take a long time to wrap your head around it because it seems like such an about face to everything we knew in our relationship before.  Sometimes there IS no understanding it, just learning to live with it.  It will be easier for you to begin healing once you cease contact.  Until you are at the point where you no longer hope for something more and accept it as it is, it won't be healthy for you to try to be friends.  It doesn't work when one is still wanting something more.  (I've seen people try to manipulate with guilt and that doesn't work.)  But most of all, I don't want you to put yourself through the emotional yo-yo, it's going to take a while to accept things as they are and for things to be clarified to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah. We have finally ceased contact. I'm thinking about maybe text him just to reassure him I'm still here... AFTER I can stop crying for a week or so, but I mean by that point, maybe I won't even want to. But yeah the emotional yo-yo is the worst and I know I can't do it if I still see hope. Hope feels dangerous. Because he still loves me, and I still love him, but as you said, it will probably never be. Very hard to understand. I appreciate this thread so much, if at least to know I'm not alone.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My fiance broke up with me nine years ago by Fed Ex, he was caregiving his mom, she was dying although nothing specific or definitive diagnosis, I knew from experience she could go in a month, a couple of years, no way of knowing and he was literally exhausting himself with no respite.  His mom wouldn't allow me over (she'd refused to meet me) yet she allowed his XW over to help (even though she never liked her in the 30 years they were married).  It was very hard.  

We had no contact but his daughter let me know when she passed, and I made him a handmade sympathy card and sent it to him.  The next day he called and talked for 3 1/2 hours, as if catching me up on everything from the previous several months.  After that he'd call maybe every day or maybe wait a couple weeks, I never knew.  Sometimes hot, sometimes cold.  He was yanking me around emotionally.  One day I cried the 50 mile trip home from work.  I resolved never to cry over him again.  I put a wall around my heart to guard myself from anything he might say or not say.  After that, when he said he loved me, I realized he didn't know what he wanted and I couldn't go by what he said.  They were just words.  I hold myself to a higher standard than to settle for someone who doesn't want to be with me through thick and thin, I deserve that and so much more.  Had his actions showed something different, I might have considered that, but they didn't.  We reestablished as friends, and that was for the best.  He is a good friend, but would not be a good partner.  
BTW, he took in his XW when she was homeless and they've been roommates along with his other roommate for several years now...not a couple, but "family", roommates.  I don't think I'd want that in my marriage although it's fine for him to have as we're no longer coupled.  We've been good friends to each other, we can talk to each other, give a fresh perspective, offer advice, but no romantic relationship mixed in.  I realized he was mixed up and I offered him the needed space to be on his own as he needed to be...as I needed to be!

It does help to lay aside the "false hope" and receive clarity in it's place.  Protect yourself, put yourself in number one spot.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 5/30/2019 at 10:21 AM, kayc said:

After that, when he said he loved me, I realized he didn't know what he wanted and I couldn't go by what he said.  They were just words.  I hold myself to a higher standard than to settle for someone who doesn't want to be with me through thick and thin, I deserve that and so much more.  Had his actions showed something different, I might have considered that, but they didn't.  We reestablished as friends, and that was for the best.  He is a good friend, but would not be a good partner.

Yeah... That has been my experience. He is currently conversing with another female, who he had been semi close with, but now his family suspects that he is staying with her as they don't ever see him anymore (so much for taking care of his family). So at the end of the day, when the going got tough, he left. And it hurts because it was so pristinely perfect. Up until his brother died. His mom and dad are both very close to the end and I couldn't put myself through this again. I can't just be friends with him though. I invested everything. So at least I got a text, and then a call, and then he got his things in person. 

Though truly, I hope he comes through his grief to find clarity again because I know that this is what it is. It's the only explanation I can really accept. I want him to be happy again, and I thought I could help him with that, but right now he doesn't want anything to do with healing. Unfortunately he's hurting pretty much everyone close to him, except this girl and one of his other friends. 

I'm trying to believe that if it's meant to be he'll come back, but for now, he's not, and I have to deal with that. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...
On 7/1/2019 at 6:19 PM, Jill_7 said:

And I had to push my then bf away because he made everything about him and it just felt so selfish and absurd. Even him wanting to 'help' always circled back to his needs. His need to feel loved and adequate.

Very good point!  Good post!  Also, with regards to them not being able to be with you but moving on to another relationship even though grieving, keep in mind that sometimes when one is grieving they feel guilty for having spent time with you instead of the person they lost and you're a reminder of that.  It can all be rather complicated, but it's important to realize that sometimes things change and a relationship can't be as it once was and this is one of those instances.

I wish I could highlight and frame your post, Jill, for all who are experiencing this because it really does explain a lot!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You were NOT too harsh, what you said was perfect and necessary for people to hear, it explains a lot.  I have saved your quote to share with future people coming here with their stories because it's a perspective they need to hear.  It helps them to know this isn't personal, even though it FEELS very personal.  When I went through it, I felt like our relationship had been a lie, I felt betrayed!  But it helps to understand that they had never had intention of breaking our hearts and could not have foreseen this.  Not everyone handles grief the same.  When I have gone through loss, I wanted people around but found they got gone!  Grief is uncomfortable to people.  They often view it as contagious and it reminds them of their own mortality or the fact that they could lose the person they love in an instant, that makes it uncomfortable, so they disappear from their friend/griever.  Grief often rewrites our address book.

But when you're in a relationship and you suffer loss, people often feel they can't do that relationship at that time because it gives implied pressure...you mention how unfair it is, yes, but it's unfair unilaterally, no one asks for loss/grief, yet it comes their way all the same, often without warning, bam!  

Life's not fair.  Period.  If people give themselves ample NC time and accept the situation as it is without hoping for something more, it aids their healing and allows you the backwards glance perspective of realizing the person was not malicious.  Maybe they didn't always handle it in the best way in their broken state, but they didn't intentionally cause the pain, they're just trying to get through their circumstance and it didn't come with a manual!  So important to forgive them and move forward with your life.

Forgiveness doesn't equal "like the situation" or "okay with how it was handled", but it doesn't hold it against them either, it releases everything.  It wishes the best for all around.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 2 years. We where eachothers firsts love and first everything. His grampa passed away about 5 months ago and he had never lost someone so close to him like that before so I completely get how upset he is. He broke up with me about a month or so afterward his grampa passed away this was around spring time. And we took a two week break from the relationship all together. We then got back together after he told me that he new what he wanted and he wanted me and us and our future together and that he loved me and everything. So we started working on getting through our issues and rebuilding our relationship and dealing with his grampas death. We had been together for 4 more months since the first break up and now he broke up with me again and I'm finding it really hard to understand why. I completely get how grieving can be painful and hard. I've been doing my absolute best to help him through it and give him space If he needs. But he told me that he needed to be alone and couldn't manage the relationship right now because his feelings are bad right now about his grampas death. I'm just really hurting because when we got back together the first time we talked about how the break up shouldn't have happened because there are other ways to fix the problems and get through our issues. And we both knew that it shouldn't haven happened and wouldn't happen again. He had promised me and was showing me for the past 4 months that that bad stuff wouldn't happen again and that he loved me and that we could get through it all together no matter how bad. But he went back on everything we have ever talked about. And it really is putting a hole in my trust. I really want to work on the relationship and help him through his feelings I just don't know how and I don't know how to make progress with him. I'm not sure what else I can do. Like I said I get that grieving is hard and I talked to him about how I would always be by his side to help I still am trying to be by his side but I don't want to put pressure on him to get better fast because I know it takes time. I just want to be able to have love together to help get through the dark times but I'm not sure what to do at all. He is the love of my life and I want to be with him and help him get through the pain because I hate seeing him in pain. It just hurts that he keeps jumping to the break up conclusion instead of trying to work things out. I have even told him that I can give him space if he needs. I feel like the break up isn't causing more problems than we need.  I don't feel like we have to break up to get space if that's what he needs. And I've been trying my absolute best to put my needs on the side and not putting the relationship on the main focuse so he knew I was here to help his feelings and needs about his grampa but for some reason I don't think that's enough. And I want to helping him through everything but he says he doesn't want to hurt me but he's being so cold to me and that hurts. I feel like I'm really trying to give him what he needs and I don't get anything in return. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Lexe  I am so sorry you are going through this, it feels more than cruel, I know.  I hope you will copy and paste this into a new thread of your own so we can help you through this (this is someone else's old thread).

I don't know absolutely why people respond like this...when I have grieved, I honestly appreciated those who were by my side through it all.  Sometimes they feel guilty for having spent time with you instead of the person that was dying/died.  Their focus is entirely on their loss/grief and they feel they have nothing left in them for a relationship.  I have seen them continue their friendships but not their relationship, because they feel their relationship requires something from them that they just don't have anymore.  The thing I want to put to you is, do you really want to spend your life with someone who responds this way when problems come along?  Because it's guaranteed that problems do come in life!  I would want someone who would go through thick and thin with me, not someone who could dump me at the drop of a hat!  This is out of your control, it is nothing to do with you, nothing you said or did, it's beyond you to help it.  That's giving a whole lot of power to someone else!  I would want someone who would be with me as long as I am doing my best in the relationship and I'm supportive, otherwise, how unfair is all this!

Of course you're bewildered!  And the truth is you'll likely never get an explanation that suffices because it doesn't make sense to you.  Sometimes we have to create our own closure.  Just knowing that this is not acceptable treatment is closure enough.  Now it's important for you to guard your heart, protect yourself.  Be your own best friend.  Be understanding and patient with yourself.  Spend time with family and friends.  Keep busy to help keep your mind off things.  You will still hurt for a good long while, but as long as you do the positive things for yourself that you need, the pain will begin to lessen, ever so gradually, and in due time, you will begin to see with more clarity.  And like me, you may just find that you are GLAD you did not end up together!  It'll take a while, it's a process.  

Meanwhile, I hope you will keep coming here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

Hello everyone. I am aware this is an old post, but i have been reading through this every time I felt like like i needed a little peace of mind and some hope shall I say..... my experience is very similar to most and i wont go to much into it. My partner of a year lost someone very close to them unexpectedly (this was 8 weeks ago) it was a huge shock to everyone and my partner did not and is still not dealing with it very well, as of expected. Anyhow.. you don't hear many stories which bring a little bit hope to peoples situations. Most of these situations result in the griever leaving their partner as they cannot deal with the relationship on-top of the loss, or because they are not sure how they feel anymore regarding their relationship with their partner. In most cases, as read, that is the end of the relationship.

In my situation, my partner left me shortly after the funeral. MY partner was closing themselves off from me shortly after the death and I should have seen the breakup coming, however it was a massive shock. I felt abandoned, depressed, anxious, worthless and out of control of my emotions and life in general. There was no contact for 4 weeks. As days went on i felt worse and worse. My whole life changed within weeks and I was struggling to cope. However, this is where i am going to give readers like me who relied on these blogs a little bit hope.... after 4 weeks my partner reached out to me and asked to meet up (In which i have not decided to yet) to talk about feelings. They are still very much confused regarding feelings about the relationship, and is still at an early stage of grief. So i just wanted to let people know that things may not be over for you! There is still hope.... if it is meant to be, I believe it will be. And if not, then you are saved from the wrong relationship with the wrong person and in time you will find someone who will never leave you, no matter the circumstances... Please understand that I am not saying you and your partner might get back, but everything will work out as it should be. In the meantime, focus on yourself, self love and self care. Get your confidence back and become independent again, so that if/when they do come back.. you can support them as best as you can.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hate to see people count on false hope...I have read each and every post here and I'd say maybe 1% of them made it through with their relationship intact following breakup due to grief.  If it will be, it will be, meanwhile it's good to focus on yourself and let him do the same and see where it goes from there.  

17 hours ago, Lexy107 said:

if it is meant to be, I believe it will be. And if not, then you are saved from the wrong relationship with the wrong person and in time you will find someone who will never leave you, no matter the circumstances.

Yes, this.  Try to remember that the relationship if it does not survive, was not right for you and be at peace about it.  The early days of breakup are hard, stick it out, it will evolve and get better.

17 hours ago, Lexy107 said:

everything will work out as it should be. In the meantime, focus on yourself, self love and self care.

Yes.  But don't do it for them, do it for yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I found this forum from a google search, this is something I’ve never considered before the end of my most current relationship. This is all very fresh, we just broke up days ago and I just need somewhere to lay out my thoughts and if lucky, get some perspective

We weren’t together very long, just a few months but I’ve known him a long time and have been hopelessly in love with him. I’ve just been a total fool for him and in the beginning he was the same for me and we just had the best days together, some of the most happy days of my life. We were just so crazy about one another. 

Then about 2 months into this new relationship he learns his dad is dying and a week or so later he passes. It was a lot at once and I was there for him every step. I took time off work to be with him. I offered to go out of state with him to deal with the burial, etc so he didn’t have to do it alone. He was very sweet and was a trooper and at times seemed very calm although down and sad. I think he was very good at hiding his grief. 

I noticed that his communication became less, stopped planning things with me as much, was distant and I just got the general vibe that he was less interested. He’s always sweet and nice to me, though and tries to joke and be his silly self, but I know there is a lot of effort being put in. 

Finally we have the convo we’ve been putting off and he basically tells me that with the passing of his dad he is in pieces, and he doesn’t feel right being committed to me if he can’t be 100% himself and he is just not the person he was before. The death also put into perspective his station in life, made him realize the things he’s been putting off and how he hasn’t taken care of himself. I told him I wouldn’t mind being by his side while he worked on these things, but would respect if he needs time to do these things on his own without the pressure to be a good boyfriend on top of everything else. He didn’t give me a solid answer really, I think he was trying to avoid hurting my feelings and saying point blank the things that are hard to say and hear. But I understood and kinda helped connect the dots for him and we decided to end it. He says he doesn’t know how long it will take, and didn’t clearly say whether he intends to ever get back with me.

I’m devastated and trying to remain strong enough to push forward and give him the space he needs. It will be very hard, he wants to be friends with me which I love the idea of bc I’d rather be friends than nothing. I’m hoping that if I give him enough space and support and stick around he will come around and try to be in a relationship with me again. But I’m just afraid that maybe that’s not the case bc I am not interested in a friendship I think that would be too painful for me. Maybe he never intends to be with me again. And I know that’s probably impossible for him to determine and would possibly be unwise to make such promises when his feelings are so obviously jumbled. 

So now I’m here and I’m taking it day by day. Oh did I mention we WORK TOGETHER, on the same row in fact so that makes life a lot more difficult. So we take breaks together and I love being around him but it also breaks my heart that I can’t kiss him or be with him the way I want to be anymore. I’m pretty much destroyed over this and I needed to vent about it. Thank you if you read. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@NewButTrueHi, welcome here.  You're adding to someone else's old post, as did Lexy, so it may get confusing if both of you are writing and we're trying to respond.

Working together it's going to be in your face and doesn't allow you the space to heal like no contact would.  I hope you'll start looking for another job.  No contact not only allows you to heal but protects your feelings for each other. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/250552-reconciliation-list

I hope you understand that this has nothing to do with you, although it sure affects you!  It sounds like you have responded as wonderfully as one can.  BUT you need to do what is best for YOU and not just consider what's best for him.  That said, he has broken up with you.  You will need to move forward in accordance with that.

You have said you would not be able to be "just friends" with him, that it'd be too painful...that said, it'll be important for you to get another job and have a clean slate to start fresh with your life.  You deserve to have someone who is all in.

A certain number of grievers do not feel able to do a relationship at the same time they are grieving.  While grieving has a beginning point, it doesn't necessarily have an ending point.  We do gradually adjust to the fact of our loss, but continue loving/missing them so in that sense there is no ending.  We are all unique in our grief so there's not a set period of time in which he can be expected to be "over it" or "move on" from.  Not a year, not three years...

My dad died when I was 29, married, and expecting my first child.  To me it helped having my husband there to go through it with, he had developed a relationship with my dad and also missed him...I cannot imagine breaking up with him because my dad died.  But other people handle their grief differently.  Few break off with their married spouse, although I have heard of that happening.  I have wondered if the relationships broken off with over grief would have broken up eventually anyway, I don't know since that's not the scenario that happened.  I have had this happen to me with my fiance of a year.  It blindsided me, he didn't even give me the benefit of an in-person discussion...he sent me a note by Fed Ex, to my job no less!  To say it hurt is a huge understatement.  We had no contact for a few months and then resumed contact as friends.  He yanked me around emotionally, saying he loved me, then disappearing for a couple of weeks, until I realized he had not a clue about his mind's state, and I learned to let it all go in one ear and out the other, to give him the time/space to grieve.  We never could have made it as friends if I had not been willing to accept him as is in a friendship status, if one is secretly hoping for something more, it won't work because they would be trying to manipulate the other back into a relationship.  Nope, nada, can't work.  But it's been nine years and we're still friends, although he's busy with those that are more in his life now (we live 75 miles apart) AND his ex is living with him, not as a couple, but they're definitely "family", he took her in so she wouldn't be homeless.  He can say whatever he will but if he didn't want her there, she would not still be there.  I've accepted that she will (now) always be part of his life while I'm a "fringe friend."  When he had his CHF and was in the hospital it was me he wanted there with him his daughter said.  So I know it's strange and I know it's exceptional in this situation, but we've managed to work out as friends.  And Lord knows I wouldn't want it any other way.  I think what happened had to happen this way, it was for the best.  I could not see that at the time though, at the time it hurt like hades.

I hope you'll read through a number of these threads (I've read each and every post here) and you'll see a pattern.  Out of hundreds of such breakups, I remember only one that "made it" as a couple.  Keep that in mind...statistics speak a story, they don't lie.

I'm sorry you're going through this, not badmouthing him in the least, no one is at fault here, but you deserve someone who would go through thick and thin with you.  As do I.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

I am currently going through something similar to this my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years just got news   That the mother of his child has passed 2 days before my birthday. We planned an entire intimate trip with a lovely cabin to the mountains. And now he has blocked me out no communication mind you we live together he hasn’t told his son that they share together and i have no idea how to help him cope. Should i feel upset that he no longer wants to celebrate my birthday. I have never been in this type of situation or have ever expirenced anything like this before. Your response would b extremely helpful in trying to understand his situation and mine.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry.  There are a certain number of grievers that feel they can't do a relationship at the same time as grieving and he seems to be one of them.  My fiance of a year broke up with me when his mom was dying...by Fed Ex (to my office no less!).  After a period of no contact for several months, she passed, I sent him a sympathy card, and he called.  After yanking me around emotionally, I put a wall around my heart so I would not be further hurt and learned to let everything go in one ear and out the other as I realized he did not know his own mind and he was a mess.  We have, however, been able to maintain a friendship the last nine years.  I am glad for the clarification no contact gave me as emotions can really cloud our thinking.  I have learned a lot through my experience.  If either person is deep down wanting to resume relationship, friendship can't work as it can lead to manipulation on their part to get it back to relationship, when the other is not wanting that.  It has to be recognized for what it is.

Being upset that he doesn't want to celebrate your birthday doesn't help, but neither can you help how you feel...I view it that they aren't totally responsible for their feelings in grief, but on the other hand, I would not want a partner that I couldn't go through thick and thin with.  There is one guarantee in life and that is that death occurs, problems occur, and as partners, we do not want the other flaking out on us because hard things came along.  We want someone we can go through things with.  That doesn't mean any partnership is ever perfect, but you work on things, not drop each other.

One thing I was able to see in retrospect is that things were NOT perfect in our relationship, that we were NOT meant to be together, that things really did work out for the best.  But that doesn't mean I didn't love him, nor does it mean he didn't love me...just that we weren't right for each other.  We do much better as friends, expectations are different.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

Honestly, as someone who has had a parent die recently, your behaviour is needy and you are too concerned about the relationship. Right now, they don’t care about you or the relationship. They care about their parent who has died and it’s all consuming. Your calls and hassling and neediness has just pushed them away. They need to focus on healing themselves - not supporting another person.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@HitherGreen16  As there are a number of posters before you, to whom are you addressing?  These are old posts you are trying to resurrect.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

I have been reading through this thread & other parts of the internet trying to put my mind at ease with what i can do. 

My situation at the moment is the following. I had been dating someone for about a year & a half. He always struggled to express emotions as most Men do which i understand. We had a great "Honeymoon Phase" we had fun all the time. Barely fought about anything. I had met him once i had come back to my hometown after being overseas for about 4 years. He introduced me to new people & all his friends whom all accepted me. I was so happy being in a relationship where everything was okay & minimal effort, we made sure to always have fun & be happy. 

Up until about February this year things started spiraling. His Father was ill & i knew it took a toll on his emotions except he was never one to talk, all his friends always said it's how he has always been & he never even spoke to them about how he was feeling. If there was a fight AT ALL he would always say "it's okay, just know this is how i am and i like to let things go instead of sharing my emotions" he said he loved me because i don't push him to do this. Hi Father passed away in February. Then things started getting even worse, i even had my own problems to deal with but i felt i can deal with them on my own as i did not want to add onto the hectic pressure he was feeling. It would not have been fair as i don't know what it is like to lose a parent. 

i started getting weird in the sense he stopped giving me the attention he always used to, even before his father died. He used to send me cute messages, post photos, compliment me all of that. Before his dad died when i questioned him about these things he'd simply say " I am not dating the world, i am dating you & you should understand that just because i don't talk all mushy all the time or post photos of us or anything doesn't mean i love you less" I left it there thinking everyone has a different love language. And he already said he doesn't love me any less. I knew that when tough situations arises he was the type to isolate himself. 

I mad a big mistake the day of his father's memorial. We had a mutual friend there. He said i suppose just out of being nice to her he told her she looked cute that day. I immediately felt insecure cause he barely told me for some time that i am cute or pretty. Hell he used to say those things all the time. I had then told him it hurt my feelings, however i regret even getting upset over something so valid yet trivial. ON THE DAY OF HIS FATHERS MEMORIAL. How could i be so stupid. 

Things just we weird for some time after that even though i did apologize i don't think it sufficed. Then March came, the 12th was his Birthday (It was a Thursday). That day we weren't chatting a lot on Whats app. I however knew i was gonna see him that night as we got together as a group of friends to celebrate his birthday.  Because he was being so sour with me on that day I was actually quite rude. He could see i was upset and i clearly expressed it. He asked me what was wrong & my response was " What's wrong with you?" He answered by saying " If i have to explain to you that i am going through a difficult time then i don't want to" We still got to the place we met his friends & I didn't look at him or speak to him at all. I was upset in front of everyone ON HIS BIRTHDAY which was so so so wrong. We had quite a big fight but went out elsewhere afterwards & it seemed a bit better cause we had a short chat in the car.

The next day being a Friday he didn't speak to me AT ALL. I thought we resolved what happened but obviously not. I kept on asking if we can just talk & he just kept on saying he has nothing to say. Later that day i asked him if he still loved me he said "yes". I went to bed next to him with his back turned to me wondering if i should even hold him or not & what should i do because i have really messed this up. 

The next morning being Saturday we were meeting up with friends to celebrate his birthday further. He had gotten up & i was crying a lot because i felt so guilty about what i did. He saw me crying and asked me "Why are you crying" I told him because i messed up so bad & I don't know how to fix it. He looked at me & said "I have already moved on from what happened & so should you" I thought well okay. Seems like we can just forget that, i did't want to because i am a fixer, i like to fix things knowing it's been spoken about & resolved. But because from the very beginning he always told me he doesn't like being pushed i left it, I went to have a shower & just before I did i said please forgive me and hold me. He just kept saying "I don't want you to keep apologizing, i just want you to also have a good day" I agreed with that & said I also want to have a good day. 

We went & it was quite a good day. That night we got to bed & he was still so so distant, I sat up and tried to speak & apologize again. I said to him i understand he is going through a tough time but all i ever ask for is just some love & attention like in the beginning. I said if you could just tell me now & again that i actually mean something to you the i would not have reason to act this way. Sunday came we had lunch with his family. Monday came i went home as i had work & so did he (we only saw each other on weekends). I had typed out a message on my phone's notepad i wanted to send to him that night. It was just me saying how happy i am we are able to still stand strong through difficult times & i will work o how i was & how poorly i acted over the past few days. I told him i am sorry & i am glad we can get through it. I wanted to send it to him when he got home after work.Monday nigh he still managed to say things are looking up & it will be okay, he said he loved me that said good night. I ended up not sending the message i typed out on the notepad as he said it's all okay? I though well let me not carry on talking about what happened. He said it's fine so i believe him.

Tuesday came we chatted a bit the morning, by the time i got home he messaged me to come outside & broke up with me saying that the recent fight have changed his feelings towards me & that's just how he feels. I didn't beg or plead, I felt emotionless in that moment. The only thing i could say was people fight & things happen when there is pressure & all he could say is he's seen this pattern before & he can't change how i feel i need to accept it etc. I got out of his car & the only thing i could say was "have a good night"

The next morning I sent him a message asking him if we could please talk about this more thoroughly. I sent him the message I typed out on the Notepad & said I wanted to send him this but I did't because he said things are fine. He proceeded to say it's how he feels & that's it. I said then I am just asking for chance, he said he's given it to me already. Which i never understood because the fighting was only recent so this would be the first chance I am asking for? I told him to please think about it. He read the message & didn't reply. I left it for another day but my mind was spiraling. I sent a very long message the next day that was honestly so sincere trying to explain to him tat couples fight in tense times & that no real relationship is perfect & no perfect relationship is real. 

He proceeded to once again say it's how he feels, i need to accept it. He said after the recent events his feelings have changed & he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore. That broke me, yet i kept on trying & trying. He said we didn't talk things through when something happened but HE was always the one that never wanted to talk. Look at just the other day when he said "I have moved on from what happened & so should you". How do you push to talk about feelings if he hates being pushed & he just said that?

I understand the messaging didn't help but i just couldn't understand. I told him I am trying my best. His response was "I hope i didn't make a mistake & i hope i don't fu%*ing regret it"     He said " I know you are trying but I don't know what to say & i can't give you what you want" I just said to him I will give him space & i said i hope this dark cloud over him disappears & hopefully soon we can just talk about this again. 

 

I am trying to understand what to do & what i can do to win him back in the sense is it just him going through a really tough time? Did he really mean all of that?Do you think he said those things because i kept on messaging him? How could he give up if the fights were only so recent? Is the pressure too much because he is grieving? He still hasn't told any of our mutual friends because if he did the girls especially would have messaged me by now, but tomorrow (Saturday ) they are all having a BBQ, which I was invited to & if I don't pitch up & they ask why what will he say? If he tells them does it make it even more real?I am so confused because it was just two fights that happened on unfortunate days I i can't take the past back. I just want to show him I can fix it as I have learnt from it if he can just give me a chance. I did't once throw his faults in his face...

I just need some advise if anyone out there can help me find my way back to him. I am sure about it. I am breaking down so much I don't know what to do. I don't want to message our mutual friends begging for help because it would push hi away even more if he found out. 

Please... help me. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you to all who shared their experiences. I genuinely felt alone as my partner of 4 years dumped me after her mother died. I really thought that his was unusual. But I guess not. It still hurts but I'll find a way to move on. Life will be so strange.. but I have no choice but to go forward. I wish you all well. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wish it were different.  I get that they can't do a relationship at the same time as grieving, so the big question is how/why they don't take a break, some space, for a while?  I don't get the mindset but nevertheless we have to accept it and realize they have no more control over their feelings than we do.  It is hurtful, now the grieving has passed on to you, and I wish it weren't so.  I know for myself the first few months were the roughest, cleaning all his stuff out that first night and dropping it off at his place the next morning.  Removing my engagement ring.  10 years later I have no emotions associated with it.  I've healed.  (It didn't take ten years either, although it was gradual the first year or two).  Today I'm totally okay with how things turned out although at the time I couldn't have anticipated it...I do miss seeing him as I still care about him but we're still phone friends.  We had a period of no contact, a few months, in the beginning and that helped me heal tremendously, you almost have to have that period to get clarity.  

I genuinely wish you all the best going forward. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Having lost both parents and a spouse I will say this: It sometimes put a new perspective on things.  When faced with mortality (not even one's own) a person may start to reconsider the situation one is in.

It may be that a person comes to the conclusion that a relationship isn't working, and nothing the other person can do will change that. The idea that "our relationship was perfect until" is an illusion. It wasn't perfect, Maybe people are stoic and don't complain, maybe he or she thought "It's just this one thing, but everything else is fine" and being hit upside the head with loss, realize it's not a little thing after all. It matters. Yeah, it can be a tough time, but it can also put into VERY clear focus that a relationship (or a job) or some life circumstance is taking more of a toll than you previously thought.

Kirstk, it sounds like he's done with the relationship. I don't know what his mental process is, but it sounds like you want to talk things to death and he doesn't. He's said, "I can't give you what you want." I don't know how much clearer he can be. 

"I just need some advise if anyone out there can help me find my way back to him. I am sure about it." You wrote this, as if your lover ought not have any choice in the matter. That's a little unsettling for me, and I'm not your boyfriend.


 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are right, of course...sometimes that "something wrong" can be communication...maybe they haven't conveyed to you what wasn't working for them, nothing you can do when you're not given a chance to work on something or if the two of you just don't fit together...it may not be apparent to you though.  Give it time and you will gain clarity.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Shortly after being widowed, I dated a man who wanted to be in a relationship desperately. I think he genuinely saw the best of every woman he dated, but that doesn't mean each woman would have been a good match. He was talking about marriage after a month or two. We were no spring chickens, so I understand not wanting to waste a lot of time. But he didn't look at the differences that were really substantial and meaningful. For instance, he was an atheist and I'm a Christian. Nothing wrong with either position - but he did think people who believed in a deity were not very intellectual. This wasn't some vague feeling on my part - after a couple glasses of wine one night, he actually said, "You're really smart, for a theist." I knew at that moment we weren't destined for the long term. When I tried to talk to him about it, he insisted it didn't matter, but it did to me.  I wanted a partner who shared my world view on this. (His comment actually clarified how important faith was to me)  I didn't remind him of what he said - I'm sure he'd forgotten it immediately after saying it. But we ALL telegraph our true feeling eventually.

He's a fine man. He did eventually find a partner. It wasn't me, obviously. But there was nothing he could have said or done to make the relationship work. He didn't share my world view and frankly his insistence that it wasn't an issue and that we could work through this wasn't reassuring. As lonely as we both were, I knew it was best to move on: the sooner the better.

As a very young woman, I had tried to "make things work" with a young man who wanted very different things from life. He kept breaking up with me, I kept begging him to take me back.  We were both pretty miserable at the end. I couldn't figure out what he wanted of me and I'm sure he was pretty tired of trying to make a breakup permanent. As miserable as I was, his friends were kind of pressuring him with their attitude of "Ipswitch is crazy about you! What is wrong with you that you treat her so awfully?" But it wasn't anybody's life but his own he was leading, and I wasn't "the one" for him. 

So I've been on both sides. No doubt, though being the one who ends a relationship is way, way easier than being the one who wants it to continue. There are different events that prompt re-examination; death of a loved one is a big one. We are reminded at that point that we don't have forever. No matter how nice or worthy or devoted we are, we may not be a good match. When I didn't fully realize or accept my boyfriend's choices, I was denying him his own valid desires.  

 

Quote

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hear what you're saying.  That said, there are a certain number of grievers who have lost their parents, best friend, sibling, who cannot do a relationship while grieving.  They break up.  Had this death never occurred, they likely would have continued the relationship.  What would have happened from there is anyone's guess because that's not the ending we got.  Not all of these relationships "weren't meant to be", some of them were very good matches, some of them had been together for YEARS.  Most of us were blindsided and did not see it coming because there was nothing to see!  We can't "change their minds", we have to respect their decisions and continue with our lives.  It is a very different situation that the one you are talking about.  I've read every one of the threads (and responded) in this section and this is the scenario often repeated here...enough to see a pattern.  Enough to see this really is a grief response.  A certain percentage of people do not continue their relationship when grieving.  I only recall one who made it through intact.  In mine and my ex-fiance's case, we made it through intact...as friends.   He said, years later, that he thought it would have had a different outcome had he not lost his mother.

The possibility of going through life without losing someone significant  is pretty nil.  I would not want a life partner that could drop me through no fault of my own at any given moment.  I would prefer a life partner that would go through thick and thin together.  

I realize we can't fit a square peg into a round hole.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey guys I’m a bit late to the conversation but I am going through the same thing. I read everyone’s comments and am sad to hear that most of your partners did not reach out to you to resume the relationship. I am giving him time and space but I want to get back to the beautiful relationship we had. I haven’t brought that up as it is still extremely fresh but I want to when the time is right. I just don’t know how to do that.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Any relationship talk can be construed by them as pressure and could have the opposite effect you want.  I'd take his lead.  Good luck to you!  And I'm sorry you're going through this, it's hard, I know.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...