pinkpony Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 Is there anything (major decisions) you wish you didn't do that 1st yr? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 YES!!!!! I put a BIG chunk of money in a fixed annuity!!!!! It was a HUGE mistake. I totally feel I was taken advantage of by someone who absolutely KNEW my situation and how lost in grief I was. My money is safe, BUT, I do not have access to it without a HEAVY penalty if something happens and I truly need it. That just pisses me off now. Not that I need the money, but the fact that I can't have it if I need it smarts and makes me feel pretty dumb. We really need to listen when people tell us to be very careful with decisions until we are more emotionally, physically and mentally stable. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkpony Posted June 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 thank you, I feel its good for us "newbies" to hear this from the vets, so we know what to look for & not do. I know they say don't make any major decisions for a year, but somedays every decision is "major". I really want to move out of state, but that means finding a job, selling my house, finding another house in an unfamiliar place & its all too overwhelming so I know its not the time for that. I also fear going through my money too fast(my dh was the main wage earner)so I have been extra cautious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 Pink Pony, If you can find a person who knows you and loves you and that you can really trust, I would definitely ask that person to listen and advise you when you have decisions to make. I made the mistake of not wanting to "bother" other people and I was to proud to have anyone think I could not handle everything totally on my own; trusting my own terrific judgement at the time! While you don't need to doubt and question everything you need to do, discussing huge decision such as moving to another location and all the stuff involved with that, is something you really need to consider with trusted family and friends if they are available. God Bless, Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 Not in the first year, but too soon, before I could come to my senses...I remarried. Oh God how I wish I had not. I think I was beside myself with grief and was not in a good place for making decisions...he took advantage of that and knew just what to say/do. He was a con man and he stuck me with $50,000 of his bills before he quit his job and went into hiding with his GF. I am much wiser now but financially devastated...I really could not afford that and adding to it the loss of my job and my house' value going down so drastically, it puts me in a stress I would not otherwise be experiencing. I can only caution people not to get involved with someone to fill the painful void in your life, instead to give it time and esp. time enough to heal and be on your own a long time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perkins808 Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 I can second what Kayc said. Though it hadn't even been a year, I started spending time with a man that in hindsight I wish I hadn't. It wasn't anything "serious", it was just nice to be able to go out to dinner and have someone to talk to. I thought he understood where I was emotionally....but he kept pushing for more and I couldn't handle it. The whole thing also created a lot of division - while I still feel wholeheartedly that I get decide what to do with my life, some people in my life don't agree. So I guess it was too soon. I think with all the pain I was in I was just in a rush to find something to take my mind off the pain. I wanted a sign that my life was going to go on, and I wanted it right that moment. I'm not sure if it was that experience that put me in the mindset I am in now, but now I am not in a rush for anything. I know I still have so much work to do and that I have to be comfortable alone before I can be comfortable with somebody else. So now my mindset is, if I am meant to meet someone else it will happen and it will feel comfortable. I'm not going to pursue anything....I will just let whatever happens happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 I can say that I wish in Bill's LAST year that I had put some things on hold and admitted fully to myself that he was dying. I just did not know that he was so close to death. I was exhausted from 4 years of care giving and in denial. As for the first year of grief, I think I have done a lot right. I remain determined to walk through the heart of the grief, to be honest with most people. I lie and say I am fine to those who I KNOW do not really want to know how I am. I wish I had balanced things a bit more....I tend to lose the balance. I swing from the extreme of being too busy (going to too many things to avoid the loneliness even though it is wherever I am) and being home alone. I would say I I want it to be about 40% of my time out and about and 60% home alone doing whatever but also journaling etc. I tend to do the opposite and still strive to balance it more. I spent money a bit too freely on stuff I did not need (books and paints mostly) but nothing huge. If i had the year to do over again, I would spend more time alone and face more of the music (but again I did pretty well) and I would watch my money more. Good question for us to deal with. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azbrian Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 Is there anything I wish I didn't do this 1st yr Yes, I wish I wasn't doing this 1st year. Not being sarcastic, that is the 1st thing that popped into my head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 I agree Brian, I wished that I wouldn't have had to do the first year . mfh, I still tend to spend alot of time away from home. I do spend quite a bit of that time at the field house. I was spending more money than I should have been, not large amounts but the small stuff adds up. For the last 3 months I have been doing a spread sheet and am actually spending alot less.I'm much more concious of what I'm buying. I'm sure we've all made a few mistakes,I'm sorry that you got stung so badly Kayc. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 Yes, Lainey, I agree little purchases add up. I, too, am more in charge of the spending and working on a budget as I am 71 years old and know I can't work forever so have to start stretching the dollars further. I was out at some event for the last three evenings and tonight I stayed home. It was silent, very lonely but restful. I know I need to face the music of my life...i.e. stay home and be alone more than I do. I also live in a small art community and have lots of friends and there are a lot of events to attend here..concerts, plays, reading by authors...on and on...but again...I need to say no to more. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 MFH, If you are 71 years old and still working, I can only say "Wow!" I need to work that long, sometimes I wonder if I can make it. Right now finding a job is first on my list. I am shocked but in our area they pay $8.50/hour (minimum wage) to counselors! I think, "what hope have I?" I've been doing Office Mgt and Bkpg for 42 years but now they're paying less than ever and I honestly can't commute and pay my mortgage on such a low wage. Does it ever get any easier? Tammy, I've been on this site for six years now, and it seems that some of those, although not all, that got involved with someone were hoping to circumvent their pain and loneliness and quite honestly, it just doesn't work this way. For those who have made a relationship work, they've learned to slow it down. Those who would push for more than we're ready, they're preying on our vulnerability and need to be halted, whether they recognize it or not. None of us should do what we don't feel absolutely comfortable with and we need to pay attention to the red flags that we see. I hear ya, Harry...it's not a year any of us would pick out, is it? I still feel we all deserve a badge or something for surviving it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 Well, I thought since I am over 7 years out now; I wanted to add my voice and offer my thoughts. Honestly, tears welled up when I first read this thread as the first year for me; I only really remembered details not that long ago. My sister chose suicide, my 5 year old cat Street died suddenly; not that long before my Melissa; then two months after Melissa died: I had to have my cat Sunshine euthanized who had cancer (squameous cell carcinoma) as well as a congestive heart and she was nearly 21. I think I was just in a state of shock at the time and totally blocked a lot of what happened the first year out of mind in order to keep on surviving. I think if I were to offer any advice it would be this; to refrain from making any major decisions about your life; to pay attention to any "red flag feelings" that you may feel about people who seem kind and offering of support and choose other support that you do not feel those "red flag feelings" with and what I mean about "red flag feelings" is that something just doesn't feel right. Focus on self-care and the basics and I would advise to let the feelings come as may and try not to judge yourself for any feelings that come. I have so much compassion for us all and I am so sorry for the the additional pain and struggle that comes through choices we make; people that harm us and even take advantage of our vulnerability; through no fault of our own but because of the raging all consuming pain that comes after loosing your love and blinds us for a time. Finally, I would like to offer that when you get to the point that it is 2 years, three years, 7 years post and more and you begin to look back on that first year; look back in compassion and reverence for yourself; and not in judgement. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 KayC, Yes, at 71 I am working. I publish a local magazine...my own creation. Bill started it with me but now it is up to me with the help of many others. I am the only paid staff as it does not reap a lot in dollars but is rewarding in other ways. I am also going back to work again this fall and going to start seeing clients again. I quit shortly before Bill died but feel I am ready to handle certain kinds of clients. I am self employed. I enjoy what I do and also need to bring in income now that Bill's social security check is gone. Not sure how long but maybe to 80....a day at a time. I think life is a classroom with tough lessons...so I don't think in that way it gets easier but hopefully if I learn what I am supposed to learn, I will deal more peacefully with what life dishes out. If i have to get an hourly job to keep my house, I will do it..but as you said, it is tough to do. I never heard of counselors making $8.50 an hour. Is it for a non for profit? mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 Dear MFH, I just want to say that you inspire and encourage me. Thank You! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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