Cycles...

[kayc]

Tonight I went to a wedding...the first one I've gone to since I lost George. It was a couple just a little younger than us, and they look incredibly happy. I hope their life together lasts a whole lot longer than three years and eight months. The husband looked at his bride so much like George looked at me when we got married, he only had eyes for her, full of adoration and happiness. I am happy for them...I just wish I knew how to survive...

When she threw the bouquet, someone called me to come help catch it..."all single ladies"...when are they going to get it? I don't feel single, I didn't ask for single, I don't want to catch someone's bouquet, I want to hold my own bouquet with my husband beside me again...I still have our wedding picture on our computer's wallpaper. I still have some "Just Married" address labels. I still have his clothes in our bedroom. Next month is our anniversary. I'm ordering a portrait of him for a present for myself...I contacted the studio today. Maybe I'm crazy, this place is a shrine to him, but that's my business, if that's how I want it, if that's what makes me feel comfortable...I want and need friends, but I already have a husband. He's the handsome man on my wall...the one that I talk to every night. He's the one waiting for me on the other side...the one that is going to welcome me with open arms...someday.

[WaltC]

"...when are they going to get it?  I don't feel single, I didn't ask for single....  Maybe I'm crazy, this place is a shrine to him, but that's my business, if that's how I want it, if that's what makes me feel comfortable...I want and need friends, but I already have a husband.  He's the handsome man on my wall...the one that I talk to every night.  He's the one waiting for me on the other side...the one that is going to welcome me with open arms...someday."

kayc

I am in complete accord with your feelings on this subject. We did not ask to be "single", but it is definitely our choice to remain faithful to our partners who have gone on before us.

If you are crazy then so am I and many others who don't want to move on to find replacement partners.

NO one could ever replace my Jean and I sense that you may feel the same away about your dear husband.

I also know that Jean is waiting for me and will welcome our reunion someday soon

Best Wishes to You kayc - keep on posting - I understand where you are coming from

[ustwo]

I've tried several times this week to post but could not bring myself to do anything that would hurt anyone here. It's been a week of unending tears. I can't seem to get anything started, can't follow through on even the simplest of chores around the house. I thought I had found something to focus on...something I could contribute to. I volunteered at a Red Cross center for evacuees of Katrina. And for a few days felt like I was doing something with a purpose. Then as I went one day I ran into one of the ICU nurses that was with Gene his last week. This man...the nurse...had lost his wife to cancer 3 months before Gene left. We hugged and talked for a little while and then the "wave" knocked me down. I was no longer any good to anyone. I turned around and came home and have not been able to function since. And this week....I have to get through this week. Wed is my Mom & Dad's anniversary...the first they are not together. Thursday is Gene's birthday.......I just don't know. And then I'm 3 hrs away from my Dad. And then there's the congested highway of evacuees between where I am and where my Dad is. And really all I want to do is close myself up in our home and not answer the phone or open the door. And then the tug of guilt when I hear my Dad's voice nearly pleading for me to be with him this week. ...he's 81 yrs old. All I want to do is crawl into some big hole and let the world go by. It goes by anyway......I'm frozen here in this pain. I just want to be alone with my tears for now. This grief shuts everyone off in my life. Gene was my anchor...family was first in his life. I know what I should do...what my obligation is. I just can't get myself out of my ring of grief long enough to help anyone even my Dad. Grief and guilt will keep me company this week. Gene will be 62 on Thursday. This wonderful, tender, kind man won't be here with me so I can surprise him with something special. I won't be preparing his "special" breakfast. No coconut cake. No candles to blow out. I can't do all the little extra things to try and show Gene how much I love him, how truly special he is. How do I get through this week...my Mom and Gene.

Gene tell my what to do. I don't have the strength to do anything. I miss you so much. I love you so much. I exist...I don't live.

Always Gene!

Always!

HAPPY BRITHDAY BABY!

[WaltC]

....  I volunteered at a Red Cross center for evacuees of Katrina.  And for a few days felt like I was doing something with a purpose. ...I hear my Dad's voice nearly pleading for me to be with him this week. ...he's 81 yrs old.  All I want to do is crawl into some big hole and let the world go by.... I know what I should do..  How do I get through this week...my Mom and Gene. 

Hello Evelyn

One again my heart goes out to you and Gene in this perpetual life of grief that we share.

Congratulations to you for your volunteer work - that took some courage - Gene is proud of you and also understands why you had to leave.

Obviously I never met Gene, but through your moving posts here I sense that I know him,at least a bit. He is only 1 year older than me and we were both born in September.

It sounds like your Dad really needs you this week - what do you think Gene wants you to do?

Listen to him while you are alone, but don't feel guilty whatever you do. Guilt is a totally worthless emotion. (end of sermon - sorry)

Why not honor Gene's birthday by preparing his special breakfast? Enjoy the cake for him -it sounds delicious. Light the candles in remembrance of his continuing love for you. Make a wish and blow them out.

Evelyn - you are a strong lady - you will get through this week with Gene's help. Keep talking to him, he will guide you through these rough times - I know it

This afternoon I will be attending a Memorial Service for Jeannie and other Palliative Care patients who died in the past year at the local hospital. I have to find some dark Roy Orbison glasses to wear so people won't have to see my tears - hopefully I will make it through with Jeannie's help. She told me to "be happy", but that is a tough order. (as you well know).

[ustwo]

WALTC, I WISH I HAD THE COURAGE AND STRENGTH YOU HAVE TODAY TO ATTEND THIS MEMORIAL SERVICE. I KNOW JEANNIE IS WITH YOU AND PROUD OF YOU. I HAVE GROWN TO KNOW JEANNIE THROUGH YOUR WRITINGS AND HER WILL IS STILL SO STRONG IN YOU. I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT PEOPLE HAVE SURVIVED THIS JOURNEY SINCE GOD CREATED MAN. I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT HOW YET. NOT ONE DAY IN OURS LIVES DID GENE EVER TELL ME WHAT TO DO...I NEVER TOLD HIM WHAT TO DO....WE HAD A DEEP RESPECT FOR EACH OTHER. I NEED HIM NOW TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I'M SO TIRED OF MY HEAD TELLING ME TO DO THINGS AND MY HEART IS TOO BROKEN TO DO ANYTHING MOST DAYS. I ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE WALT AND YOUR TENDERNESS IN HONORING JEANNIE. LOVE IS FOREVER FOR ALL OF US LEFT BEHIND.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WALT.

I'M PACKING UP AFTER I SEND THIS. I CAN HONOR MY MOTHER AND GENE BY GIVING MY DAD WHAT HE NEEDS RIGHT NOW. AND PERHAPS I'LL FIND SOMETHING I NEED ALSO.

FOR YOU MAMA

FOR YOU GENE

ALWAYS GENE!

ALWAYS!

[WaltC]

...I'M PACKING UP AFTER I SEND THIS.  I CAN HONOR MY MOTHER AND GENE BY GIVING MY DAD WHAT HE NEEDS RIGHT NOW.  AND PERHAPS I'LL FIND SOMETHING I NEED ALSO. 

Thanks for your kind thoughts Evelyn

I sense that Gene guided your decision making and I am sure that your Dad will appreciate your company.

Have a safe trip there and back home again. Sometimes by helping others with their grief and loneliness we can also get some relief for ourselves. I truly hope that is the case for you.

Kindest regards.

( my birthday is not until the 21st - our wedding anniversary is the 19th - tough days ahead!)

[kayc]

Evelyn,

I read this too late to wish you well as you pack and leave on your trip, but my prayers are with you. How wonderful that you have been volunteering...there is much healing in extending love to others, especially in the midst of our pain.

Walt,

I am too late in reaching you before the service, but I hope it went well, the poem you shared was beautiful and meaningful. How wonderful that they had this service! The worst thing that can happen to those of us left behind is for our loved ones to seem forgotten by others...it helps me so much to hear others remember and love George...whether it's remembering his wonderful kindnesses or reminiscing about his terrific humor and spirit. It does not make me sad to hear others talking about him, as some might fear, but rather, it makes me feel good to hear him remembered.