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[kayc]

I want to hear from you the things people have said to you that have really gotten to you...here's mine:

"You're young, you'll get married again"

"Well it's not like you were married a long time"

"Well it's not like he took care of you, you took care of him"

"You're going to have a hard time replacing him"

"You can't love him more than Jesus!"

"There's no guarantee you'll ever see him again, let alone touch him"

"There's no marriage in heaven"

"You need to change your relationship with him"

"You need to move on"

"You need closure"

"You need to sell your home"

"You need to go away someplace"

"I'll come get rid of all of his things"

"I want his...(hat, CD's, car, coin collection, etc.)"..."to remember him by"

"Let me know if you need anything" (you do, nothing materializes)

"You just need to turn to God"

"Well we know why he died, don't we!"

"You have a pattern of jumping from one relationship to another" (I was told that was intended as sympathy)

"You ought to try personals/singles/etc."

"I know how you feel...I lost my parrot a year ago, and it didn't come back for three days"

"I know how you feel, when I lost my dog, I stayed home and cried for three days"

"It must be God's will"

[WaltC]

My dear wife for over 40 beautiful years had MS for the last 20 years of her short life on this earth. Her disabilty forced her to retire early from a job that she loved and had started only after staying at home with our two children until they were in High School.

For the last two years of her life she was totally disabled and relied on me, and extra-mural nurse visits, to take care of her needs.

She was diagnosed with terminal cancer in early January of 2005 and was given 2-3 weeks to live. She survived in Palliative Care for 99 days until she died on April 13th.

Through all her pain and suffering she never complained and usually had a bright smile on her face Her caring nurses always complimented her for that.

The most hurtful comments that I remember were associated with the thought that somehow I would feel relieved that she had passed on. While I am glad that she is no longer suffering great pain from her cancer and from the knowledge that she was going to die in Palliative Care, I am in no way "relieved" by her death.

I will never forget the words of the Doctor in charge of Paliiative Care when he told me: "You life is going to be very different now" - adding words to the effect that since I would no longer be her caregiver somehow life would be "better". Since then others have made similar comments.

Don't they know that Jean IS my life?!?! She always will be.

I don't have the caregiving job anymore, but the grieving job is much harder and will only end when I can join her again. If we did not have two good kids I would be with her now.

I suspect that most people mean well with their comments, but just have no friggin' clue how we feel.

[kayc]

Oh Walt, I can relate. My husband spent his entire life in prison. He grew up in the worst home imaginable and entered prison as a young person. It took him a few years, but through God's hand in his life and his own interspection, he accepted responsibility for himself and began a long period of learning, growth and change. I respected him for that, for I've known a great deal of "respectable" people out here that are not willing for change. I met him through a letter to the editor that I had written and we became fast friends. Our communication was good and our relationship was as if it was made in heaven. We were soul mates. When at last he was able to get out and we married, I had someone that needed to relearn everything...it was a huge cultural change for him. So in a way, I felt like his caretaker...not physically so much as in other ways. I had to mentor him. But we were extremely close and loved and enjoyed each other's company so much. It didn't matter if we were doing laundry, cleaning house, cooking, or getting groceries...it was just as enjoyable as camping or a walk or a drive. But he had diabetes, and as we have since learned (too late) a severe heart condition...and he not only could not keep up with me, but every little task was draining, he had a hard time walking. He looked the epitome of perfect health, he was in good shape physically, except his heart just could not pump enough to keep him alive. How he managed to work as a welder at a very high paced, demanding job, commuting so far through horrible traffic each and every weekday, I do not know, except I know that he pushed himself because he wanted to provide medical insurance for me because of all of my prescriptions. He was selfless and loving and he would have died for me...in a way, he did. So some people thought I too would feel some relief at his death because I had endured the stigma of marrying a former inmate and I had helped him deal with his baggage and adjustments. But while I am glad that all of his physical and internal sufferings and struggles are over, I am in no way "relieved"...we loved each other immensely, we each would have gone through anything for the other, we understood each other's hearts, always, and always had faith in each other. We had an amazingly blessed relationship, and I loved every special quality about him, from how special our interaction was, to his devotion, his loyalty, his caring for people, he had the biggest heart of anyone I had ever met...undoubtedly due to all he had been through in life. I loved his humor, and his easy ways about him...he was so pleasant to live with, I found that refreshing! He was accepting and he was so wonderful with my kids, who had just grown up. He got to live with my son for a year before he went into the service but I am so glad they had that time together, it enriched both of their lives. No, this is not a relief, there is nothing "relieving" about it...it hurts, it feels raw and fresh no matter how much time passes. You can replace a spouse, but never a soul mate, and that is the difference that you and I have found. I am glad you got to spend your life with Jeannie...it took me a lifetime of waiting to find my George, but whatever time we got, we made the most of it and we will be together again. It is a shock to me that it ended so soon, I'd really hoped we'd get more years together, perhaps even a year or two of retirement before facing this, but that didn't happen. But life is not fair or equal. It wasn't fair that your Jeannie had to suffer so much in her lifetime. What a wonderful person she sounds like! But then, so are you, and I'm glad that you had each other. We all get handed or choose different paths in our lives, but it's so important that we make the most of them...some might start out rough like my George's did, but the important thing is to learn from it and then make the best choices that you can, and to enrich the lives of others. He did, he is my example...he counted himself lucky to have me, but I counted myself every bit as lucky to have had him. He taught me what it is to love unconditionally as a human...everyone always said only God could do that, but I experienced it with George...rare, and beautiful. He taught me grace, for he extended it more beautifully than anyone I've ever met. He taught me selflessness, for he was always thinking of everyone else...I think if I tried the rest of my life I could not equal him in that capacity, it was just a part of him, not something he did so much as who he was.

Go on loving Jeannie and remembering her...we have in our losses and pain, something more than most people ever have, and to a depth they'll never know. God bless you.

[ustwo]

How cruel for anyone to assume any of us would be "relieved" that we don't have Gene, Jean, and George with us. One woman last week told me she understood what I was going through that she lost her husband years ago but remarried at age 70. I am happy for her.........it will not be for me. I am married now. Gene is always my husband. Gene is the love of my life. Gene is my life. My life left June 11.....what's left is breathing...putting one foot in front of the other each day and going nowhere.

It doesn't matter what other people say. No one can understand the love we share with Gene, Jeannie, and George. No one understands the JOY in our life isn't here to greet each day with us.

Peace for all of us.

Always Gene!

Always!

[kayc]

Sometimes a person remarries to fill the void that is left...sometimes it helps, sometimes it's a mistake. From what I have been told by those who have done that is, one person does NOT replace another. The grieving continues for the person that is gone, even if one remarries. It does not mean that they did not love the person they lost, but rather it is a different way of trying to cope than the way that we have...we choose to honor our loved one's memory...they choose to try and move beyond it. Sometimes it helps them...sometimes it is a huge mistake. What is important is realizing what the right way is for us...and not compounding our loss and grief with a mistake. It is an error for us to try to compare our grief with someone else's...each of our losses is great to the one suffering it and each loss deserves the recognition it deserves. We should never diminish another person's loss, but care and encourage one another in this very hard process we are sojourning through. Each of us requires great courage and perseverance just to make it through yet another day. The pain does not end no matter what we do or how we try to cope. It's ours, we might as well own it. God be with each person that visits this site...for you wouldn't be reading these words if you weren't hurting.

[spela]

Someone said to me, on the day of the funeral, that "it was expected he would die". NO, I DIDN'T expect that! Yes he had cancer, and yes, I was aware of the fact that statistically less than 5 % of patients with liver cancer live survive (for more than 5 years after the diagnosis) - but HE is not some statistical data. He is someone I love, someone who had so much energy, who so much wanted to live, and I believe he would we well!! And even if I had expected that he would die, was that supposed to make me feel better????

I just coulnd't believe what people say ... Someone said it is him who died, not me - meaning I should "move one", forget. Forget?????!!!?!?!!?

[spela]

It is hard to see someone you love suffering from a disease, especially when the prognosis is not good. But I had HOPE then - what do I have now?

[kayc]

Spela,

[kayc]

Spela,

I thought about what you wrote all day...it seems to me all we have is pain and memories. Today I had to go into the bathroom at work and cry. Usually I can at least hold it together at work. What I want to know is, when do I stop feeling suicidal? I did so well this weekend and then today...

I'm supposed to be starting up a support group, how do I do that when I'm such a mess? I see the need for one and I want to help people, but here I am with my emotions all up and down. I don't even know me anymore. I used to be so balanced, so together.

I wish I could give you an encouraging thought, Spela. There are good things in life, sunsets, nature, our animals, our family and friends...but somehow nothing seems significant without that one that we love. I don't know how to hold on through the pain.

[spela]

I'm sorry KayC, sometimes I think that maybe there are some things that I shouldn't write about - but then, if you don't talk about it, you don't make such thoughts disappear. I know the feelings that you have, trust me. I did feel suicidal for some time. It helped me to talk (write) about it, and knowing that I'm not alone with such feelings and I'm not a bad person for feeling that way did help (I'd like to thank my friend from this forum, she'll know I mean her even if I don't mention her name)

I still feel that way sometimes - but definitely not all the time. So I think I could call that a progress. Take care, KayC, you're not alone.

[Diann]

The statement I disliked the most was "Oh, you're such a strong person! You'll be able to get over this before long". I was a strong person because my husband was always beside me supporting me. Now I feel lost. Even though it has been a year that he has been gone, I miss him as much today as I did when he died.

[MyloveBrian]

I too hate the statement "You're so strong, you'll get through this too", My wound is still fresh since my fiance' was just tragically killed a week ago, so I have to keep hearing this dreaded statement "How are you doing"....Uhmmmmm let's see, my wedding would be in ten days from today, my fiance', my love, my everything was taken from me because some dumb person's driving inability, but yeah I guess I feel as well as can be expected considering all my dreams were killed that day, my life as I once knew it is gone, my honey who took care of everything (physically, emotionally, finicially, and so much more) for me is no longer here to do anything, and he was ripped from me before I even got to become his wife, which I dreamed of doing for 13 years, but hey yeah I'm doing just fine today. urgghhhhhh

[Diann]

I too hate the statement "You're so strong, you'll get through this too", My wound is still fresh since my fiance' was just tragically killed a week ago, so I have to keep hearing this dreaded statement "How are you doing"....Uhmmmmm let's see, my wedding would be in ten days from today, my fiance', my love, my everything was taken from me because some dumb person's driving inability, but yeah I guess I feel as well as can be expected considering all my dreams were killed that day, my life as I once knew it is gone, my honey who took care of everything (physically, emotionally, finicially, and so much more) for me is no longer here to do anything, and he was ripped from me before I even got to become his wife, which I dreamed of doing for 13 years, but hey yeah I'm doing just fine today. urgghhhhhh

MyLoveBrian

You are doing better than I was after the death of youi Brian. I wasn't able to talk about my feelings or even express my dispair for almost 6 months. It was just too painful. At least you express your raw emotions this soon and i think that is good. I know you feel cheated that he was taken from you at a time when you were looking forward to such wonderful events ahead of you. I am so sorry for your loss and can only tell you that in the months ahead, the heartache will ease some. It will never go away but, somehow, you learn to live with it. Diann

[Rep1Right]

I lost my husband, Rick, 51 years old, to non-small cell lung cancer on May 29, 2005. A good number of the items on your list are very familiar...but the worst one I've experienced thus far comes from my own brother who cares only for money and material things and has lost his soul somewhere along the way. He lives in Las Vegas with his family and lives to make money and show off his material possessions.

It was one week after Rick had passed away (my brother has only called me twice since May 29th and the last call was July 24th). As both my parents are deceased, he is the only immediate family I have left. I was very depressed and called to talk to him around around July 1st. At hearing how I sounded, he stated, "Listen, we're all gonna die some day...it's too bad Rick had to die...but you need to get on with your life". And then he proceded to invite me to Las Vegas to party for the 4th of July. As I said, he doesn't even call me to see if I'm alive. From strangers or acquaintances I could be more forgiving but not from my own brother.

It has been almost 4 months since Rick passed away and I feel as though I am reverting backwards. Friends have gone back to their lives and very seldom call me. If I want to carry on a conversation, I have to call them. I hate my life, I hate the emptiness, I hate the lonliness, I hate missing all the wonderful things we used to do together, and most of all, I hate the thought of feeling like this for the rest of my life for I will never be the same as I was before no matter how many people keep saying, "it's going to take time"...I am 58 and as far as I'm concerned, even if I live to 100 it won't be enough time.

[kayc]

I am sorry you have not received needed support from your brother...my brother lives 40 miles away and I never have gotten a call from him. He sent me a card two months after my husband died, and only then because my mom shamed him into it. Apparently they just don't know what it's like. Even so, if my sister-in-law passed away, I'd be there for my brother. My best girlfriend hasn't returned any of my phone calls and hasn't contacted me since the day after George died. It is hard when you feel people let you down. The only thing I can think is that they just don't know what it's like...and I hope that they never have to. I haven't heard from any of the neighbors and I've lived here for 28 years...yet if they went through it, I would be there for them. My husband was always there for people, always doing for everyone, yet most of his friends aren't here or calling either. That amazes me. I try not to focus on those who aren't there and instead am thankful for those who are, even in little ways. The guy at work that understands because he lost a three year old daughter 18 years ago...the ones at church that have reached out to me, my boss who has been so good to me. You say you have to make the phone calls...so have I. People are probably tired of hearing from me, and yet I persist because I need to...I need that contact. I need to talk. I've probably outworn my welcome on this site too, yet it has been therapeutic for me to voice my feelings...especially at a time when I feel my voice was taken from me...my voice in having a say-so over my own life and what takes place in it. So I thank each of you for bearing with me and listening to me, even when all I have had to "share" is my pain. You are right when you say that nothing in your life will ever be the same...it won't. I know the loss and it is tremendous, it is hard to find purpose when you are torn asunder. I bought a magnet for my refrigerator and it says "Find Joy in Every Day"...it is to remind me to LOOK for something good...a sunset, a smile from my dog, a good cup of coffee, music, a glimpse of deer or elk, something. Some days it's been a stretch and some days I'm at a loss to find anything, but I keep on trying. Some days that joy has been one of you sharing something. It helps to have people we can relate to, someone else who's been there. Our loss is greater than words can give voice to, but that is because we were so blessed to have a relationship that was great enough for us to miss to this extent. The waiting for time to pass is hard because the meanwhile is hard to endure.

[WaltC]

People are probably tired of hearing from me, and yet I persist because I need to...I need that contact.  I need to talk.  I've probably outworn my welcome on this site too, yet it has been therapeutic for me to voice my feelings...

...  It helps to have people we can relate to, someone else who's been there.  Our loss is greater than words can give voice to, but that is because we were so blessed to have a relationship that was great enough for us to miss to this extent.  The waiting for time to pass is hard because the meanwhile is hard to endure.

Dear kayc

How dare you say that you may have outworn your welcome on this site. !!!

Without this great site and people like yourself, ustwo, spela and others I wonder if I would have survived as long as I have since my dearest Jean died. Monday will be our 41st wedding anniversary and I just don't know how I will get by that day - but I know that I will because of the support that I get here.

Like your experience, many of my former friends have disappeared - temporarily I hope. I know that it is partially my fault because I rejected their initial efforts to "get together" . All I wanted to do was to be "alone" with my grief. There's nothing I can do about that now and I am doubtful that I would do anything differently even if I could change.

I don't miss some of the artificial DGI's who visited the hospital and funeral home and avoided talking about Jean but rather told inane stories of their day at work, etc. Even when Jean was alert, they would avoid talking to her about her sickness, prefering to center their conversation on their own minor problems. Was that supposed to make her feel good???

[i realize now that I am a DGI for those who never experienced the death of a loved one. I don't get it how they respond by avoiding the subject. I hope that I wasn't like that myself before Jean's passing, but I probably was.]

It certainly does help to have people like yourself to share with - who can relate to our great losses.

Meanwhile, it will just have to be one day at a time. I will try to enjoy this day and face tomorrow IF it comes.

Our loved ones are waiting for us to join them, but they are patient - unlike me.

Kindest regards to all who read this post.

[spela]

Dear kayc

How dare you say that you may have outworn your welcome on this site. !!! 

I agree with WaltC. And I am really really glad that this site is working again!

WaltC, I feel that way too about my friends. I know I am the one who's been avoiding people. After weeks and months of not answering most of the phone calls people stopped calling. But I just couldn't be around them, as they would probably want to make me feel better by talking about their little problems, some guys at work who didn't know what to say even started to make jokes about something (that was very shortly after he died - I just stood ther and could not believe we live in the same world).

KayC, one of my good (???) friends hasn't contacted me since he died. Not on phone call or at least email - nothing. I must say I haven't tried to contact her either.

Only now I am beginning to talk to the people again. Only a few days ago I accepted an invitation from one of my friends to go out for a coffee - I probably wouldn't have but I owed her a few things that I had borrowed about a year ago - and it was ok. Only yesterday I answered a phone call from one of my best friends who has been calling me despite my silence. I haven't seen her since the funeral - because I didn't want to see anybody. Now I think, I'm more capable of being around people - well most of the time I still prefer to be alone but at least sometimes I can be around others without feeling uncomfortable. So, WaltC, there is hope for that.

KayC, it IS ok to talk about your feelings. I'm sorry that the people who should be there for you aren't. But we are here.

[jeepguy]

Kayc,

Your list seems very complete. I have been pretty lucky to not have had a bunch of DGI activity in my grief, so far. Then again, I really don't know very many people up here.

Mention was made of being a long term caregiver, and how it is better to be done with that. I was a caregiver for 4 years, and I have to be honest-I am so relieved that part is over with, and that she is no longer suffering, she is at peace. I feel no guilt for my feelings. A massive burden has been lifted, and that part is relief for me.

The grief journey is the pits, but, as I see it, one either takes the baby steps towards the other side of it, or stays stuck in it, misreable and defeated for life. I see the grief journey as a choice as far as actions-or inactions. Many describe it as a horrible rollercoaster-I agree-and I just hold on (an action) and will ride it out.

I believe it is ok to feel ok having caretaking burdens gone, without guilt. There may be those who are not ready to give themselves a break yet, or DGIs' who will try to "make" some of us feel down/guilty, but that is why we have these support sites, right?

Peace and strength to all.

[kayc]

I'm trying to figure out what DGI stands for...dog gone idiot?

[jeepguy]

Close enough, Kay. DGI is the term used on my other site for those who can not relate to us because they have not gone through loss of spouse, so they say perhaps well meaning but dumb/hurtful things. DGI = Doesn't Get It.

[trisha]

People that we expected to be there for us will let us down, but there are some fantastic people like you guys who give of their hearts and souls to try to make some sense of what has happened to us all. There is no sense to any of it. It is a part of life, but I'm sorry I just can't accept it right now. What goes around comes around and one day those people who have made those callous statements may have to eat their words. They will seek out people like us who have been there and perhaps we will offer a helping hand, an encouraging word or just listen - or maybe not.

[kayc]

Oh Trisha, of course you can't accept it, it's too soon, and you can't imagine ever being able to accept it...just remember, accepting that this is now your lot in life and you must make the best of it, does not equate with liking it or understanding it...that may never come about. We just do the best we can and largely because we have kids or family that we need to try for. And we will be there for even those who were callous to us...why? Because we know what it is to go through it and we wouldn't wish it on even our worst enemy...and those people who aren't there for us that we thought should or would be...they simply have no idea what it's like. I hope they never do.

[kiki]

The statement I disliked the most was "Oh, you're such a strong person! You'll be able to get over this before long". I was a strong person because my husband was always beside me supporting me. Now I feel lost. Even though it has been a year that he has been gone, I miss him as much today as I did when he died.

I can relate to every thing you said. Many would say to me that I am a strong person, and everything will be fine. My husband was sick over 2 1/2 years and I was his care giver, and I had to be strong to do that, but I miss him very very much, and even though he had been gone now sixteen months, it hurts and I still miss and grieve for him.