First Planned Trip To A Grief Counselor

[HAP]

Friends,

My work as a teacher sometimes keeps me way too busy for my own good. I promised myself back in February that I would find some solo grief counselor time soon. That did not happen until today.

Because last night was awards night at school I had to skip my regular physical grief group meeting last night--and after last weekend I really needed to in the same room with people who get it. But Jane and i always put the needs of our students ahead of ourselves. And last night i got to say a real good-bye to all the kids who went out of their way to be helpful when Jane got sick--and who have put up with and supported me since her death. As my mother-in-law would have said, "he who has two wishes must give up one.

Knowing that I was having a tough time, I contacted the facilitator of our group who also does private sessions and we met after school this afternoon. Once I got started I could not stop. I talked and teared up, talked and cried, talked and laughed--and then cried some more. I have told this story so often that I sometimes feel like the Ancient Mariner. But today was different. Maybe she asked the right questions. Maybe i was just ready to let the emotions spill out that have been building all week between giving the scholarships last night, and the six month anniversary anniversary last Friday, and the constant rain, and the cretin who keeps stealing flowers from her grave--and the fact that tomorrow is the last day of classes and other than final exams next week i am nearly retired from this profession that dominated both our lives for so many years.

I don't know why, but i felt better than I have for some time afterwards. It isn't like I do not periodically cry at home or behind the wheel of my car or as i mow the lawn. But today was different. I can't explain why. I guess i don't need to have an explanation. I should just accept the gift of it and move on. But I got at some things that I have not been able to before today. My wife and i had some deep understandings and expectations. We knew there was a purpose in what we did and do.

And now that purpose is changed--and yet the same. And I keep wrestling with that. How do I do what was supposed to be a two person job alone? God, the housework takes more than twice as long to do--how do i keep up with that and still get to all this other stuff that needs to be done?

But then Milton leaps into my mind: "Thousands at his bidding speed...they do also serve who only stand and wait." I am just not used to waiting. Neither of us was. So I go back to trying to relearn patience for what seems the billionth time.

But that is all beside the point. I wrote a while back encouraging people to find a grief support group--that it is useful to be in a room physically with others who get it. I have hesitated to go to a one-on-one session for months--partially because of my schedule and partially because I thought i could get through this with just the support group. I was wrong about that. If you have resisted one-on-one counseling, stop doing so. There is great value in it.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Harry, I tried that and it was a horrible experience because the counselor was truly awful. He told me (same week George died) that if his wife died he'd move on. He gave me a book to read, it started out by the author saying she took off her wedding ring. I'm sorry, but this counselor was an insensitive boor! And it was the only counselor in town. I decided I didn't need that.

Most of you have had a more positive experience. The only good outcome I had from this was that I cried and TOLD the counselor what I thought about it...I learned to voice myself and not just "take stuff". That was good for me.

If some of you haven't had a good experience with a counselor, maybe you could try another one. I happen to live in the country and it wasn't feasible for me to make the 100 mile round trip to the nearest town...I was having a hard time driving into town because George and I always did that together. I can do so now, but now, six years later, I don't feel the need for one.

[mfh]

Harry, I am so glad you happened on the right person. KayC is right, it must be the right counselor and you were blessed with one while she was not. I hope people will keep looking when it does not feel right to be with a counselor. There are counselors and there are counselors. Shop around...try two or three..wait until you feel a connection with the person. No one is perfect but the connection must be there. So glad for you Harry. So sad for you KayC but glad you no longer need one. I also saw the woman who led our support group and though she has not lost a spouse, she has had loss and a lot of experience with people as she works for Hospice. It was a good experience. In fact, I am considering a couple more sessions. Don't give up if you have a bad experience...try someone else. As difficult as that it, in the end it is worth it. mfh

[pinkpony]

I love my grief couselor, I'm not big about councelling & wasn't sure if I would keep it going(I didn't start until 3 months after my dh passed) but I will say theres something comforting about her coming to my house & letting me "let it all out" & no feeling of judgement & verification that what I'm feeling is normal & a step in the right direction. Hospice of the valley has been a life saver throughout this whole process from the time we put dh on hospice(5 months before passing) to now 7 months after.

I hope you get a lot out of it, I haven't done the "group" yet, not ready for that.

[Perkins808]

Hi Harry,

I am so glad that you were able to find someone that you connected with. My first shot at finding a grief counselor didn't make it past a phone call. Talking to her on the phone I just didn't feel the connection at all so I cancelled my first appt. My second attempt turned out to be exactly what I was looking for though as I love my grief counselor Wendy. She is so easy to talk to and no matter how bad I'm feeling, no matter how many tears I shed while I'm with her.....I always feel better after.

I hope that you are able to continue with the one on one counseling and that it continues to bring you some peace.

Hugs,

Tammy

[HAP]

Friends,

Thank you for your thoughts and support. Kay, I'm sorry your experience was so bad. In fact, from what you all say I seem to have been very lucky. I wondered about that, then realized I had, in a sense been subconsciously auditioning Nancy for the last several months since she is the facilitator of the support group I attend. I had another person recommended to me several months ago by one of the counselors at school, but did not call them because things were too hectic. Then this craziness hit last week and i knew I needed help and did not want to wait for it to get worse. Nancy had offered several times to all of us that if we hit a tough patch between meetings we should call her. It was a good decision.

I have come to realize tonight that part of what is going on is that graduation and Father's day are this weekend. We attended graduation together every year o launch our baby birds into the sky. here were years one or the other of us could not attend, but those were the exception rather than the rule. And we did a cookout for her father every Father's Day. My own father is on the West Coast. We would then watch the final round of the US Open with her family. I am having her father and sister over on Sunday. The cookout will be less elaborate--we usually did a clam boil--but I just don't have that level of energy after this week.

There was a move among faculty today for us all to wear our Walking with Jane t-shirts to graduation--a move I think we successfully scotched. I was touched by the idea, but tomorrow belongs to our students and their families. Jane would have preferred the focus to remain on them. As someone apparently said, I would be there in my three-piece suit tomorrow, and she would have been in her suit and heels. Anything else just would not be right.

I may not have time tomorrow or Sunday to write much here. The year ends next week and i have grades to finish and finals to write, give, and grade--as well as my room at school to close down a last time. We put out our last newspaper of the year--and of my career--today. None of that seems particularly real. I expected it to feel ...I don't know...but it was basically anti-climactic.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

As I read some of the posts tonight, it seems a lot of us have been hit with a variety of stressors, pain, dreams, and other painful things. This is the journey and I, for one, am exhausted from it. Tonight my friend who went to the play with me said to me on the way home. Mary, it feels like you are in shock from all you went through taking care of Bill and then his unexpected death. She went on to say that I need to take it slow and not expect myself to heal fast. My wise 81 year old friend...I know she is right. She hit the nail on the head. When she said those words I started sobbing because it felt like someone knew how I felt...what I miss so much with Bill's death..because he knew what I felt before I did often. Now it is rare when anyone else really knows. I know you all experience this. It is one of the hardest parts of this journey...to not be heard and not be first in anyone's life. mfh