How Do I Let Go?

[nash66]

My sweet baby girl died several months ago. One day she was fine... the next... very lethargic. By the next day it was obvious that there was something very wrong. I took her to the vet and after several tests they told me she had an amune deficiency.

She fought so hard.... she always was the strong one. Her brother (and litter mate) was the baby she always took care of.... and kept in line. She was definitely the Alpha. I told the drs. that if anyone was strong enough to fight this... it would be Sammi. They had to admit that she supprised all of them.... she was the fighter i said she was.

But after 4 days of fighting.... tests.... etc... They had finally found out what was causing this and how to treat it.... it was too late. She was starting to have trouble breathing and was being kept in an oxgyen tent. The medicne would have taken days to take effect and we didn't have days any more... only hours.

Letting her go was the hardest thing i ever had to do.

It sure didn't help when my daughter (17 yrs) told me 12 hours later to get over it. Especially since i originally adopted Sammi for her. Petey was my boy. But i never thought i would love these dogs as much as i grew to.

They are NOT the family pets. I don't OWN my dogs any more than i own my human child. They are my kids... just as my flesh and blood daughter is. People adopt children and say that they couldn't love them more if they had given birth to them. That's how i feel about my pups.

Now i feel as if i have lost my child. No... i have lost my child. But no one seems to understand. Everyone is sympathetic.... but they just don't understand.

Also.... now i'm so concerned about Petey. At least all this happened the last day of my job and had the time to deal with all of this. I was so worried about Petey and how he would deal with his sister's death. Like i said... he was the baby and relied on Sammi so much. It was really hard on him. He didn't want to be home or any other place that reminded him of Sammi. He just cried.

I adopted the "twins" when they were 5 weeks old. Up until now... neither of them were ever alone. They always had each other to keep them company while i was at work and my daughter at school. If one had to go to the dr..... the other came along for the ride. They were never apart. Now i'm having to leave Petey alone for a few hours here and there. He's doing better.... but i'm concerned about leaving him alone for so long when i go back to work.... and school at night. I've thought of adopting another dog for companionship for Petey. He's become my whole life and i just want him to be happy.

This is effecting everything in my life. I had such goals set in front of me for my life and so very focused.... more so than i had ever been about anything before. Since Sammi's death.... i can't seem to focus on anything. I'm going through the motions.... doing what is expected of me.... but my heart isn't into it. I was supposed to go back to college this semester. I was so distressed that i missed the entrance exam and have had to put that off for now. I want to get back on track with my life and goals but i just can't seem to.

The bottom line here is that i can't seem to get over Sammi's death. I miss her so much..... there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about her.... I still sit here and cry.... I lost my best human friend several years ago.... it took me several years to get over that. How long is this going to take?

She was best my girl.... so smart... funny... protective... caring. If i didn't want to get up in the morning.... she would get her brother to help her gang up on me. She'd jump on the bed and pin me down while Petey would come in on the other side and both would lick me til i got up. Anytime i wasn't feeling well or was sad... she was right there to cheer me up. She would find her way in and out of places.... i could never figure out how... she had to be a contortionist on top of everything else....lol.... she was just so smart.

How do i end this.... i could just go on and on about how wonderful she was.... and how much love she added to my life. But now my heart is broken and it just can't seem to mend.

I thank God for Petey.... i don't know what i would do with out him and his love.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. At least i know you all will understand.... Thank you for that....

[Maylissa]

nash66,

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your Sammi-girl, but I'm so glad that you think of her as your child....and everyone says that losing a child is the hardest loss of all losses, so never feel like you have to explain yourself here about that. Many of us feel the same way, and know it can take a long time to greive for that kind of a loss. You also suffered a sudden loss, which contains its own challenges in the grief journey. The fact that you're having such a difficult time getting back on track with your life is fully understandable and normal when confronted with such devastation. If you don't feel up to things, try to just accept that in yourself as part of the process and don't allow anyone to shame you into not taking care of yourself by easing up on living for as long as you need to. It's not the end of the world if you have to postpone whatever is too difficult right now. Take that pressure off yourself and honour your grief and your love for Sammi by doing only what you must, and/or what you can handle.

If it's any help, I couldn't and wouldn't go outside, except to get the mail, and to go out with my furboy's sister ( who grieved, too, just like Sammi's brother ), and even that was so terribly difficult, as the whole outside, the whole yard, all places around the house felt so impossibly empty without my boy, and he passed months before springtime, when we were able to get outside. I couldn't stand the sound of the Canada Geese honking their return, a return to spring and new life.....life my boy didn't have anymore. Even now, 5 years later, the sounds of spring still fill my heart with bittersweet memories and I usually find myself crying here and there every spring because it was my boy's utter enthusiasm to finally be able to get out and ROMP! that had formerly filled my heart with so much zest for life. His sister was the one who finally insisted we visit our old, usual haunts, and start to create new experiences and memories, that helped me begin to think about trying to live again, for HER sake, if not my own. But this even took her about a month beyond our first outing, as she would just sit in the backyard, morose and grieving for the most part. When she started to perk up, so did I, as she'd been so sick after her brother's death that I HAD to be ecstatic about her returning perkiness. I suffered though, for especially the first 2 years. What finally helped me move forward in my grief, was getting fed up with people telling me I SHOULD be getting better, then telling myself that MY grief was MY grief and I was going to give myself permission to feel whatever I was going to feel, day by day, for as long as it was going to take me, and too bad if someone else didn't like it! Now that I've also lost my Mother and one brother, I still use that coping skill/attitude to my advantage...it has served me well.

Please feel free to talk as much as you LIKE here, about your grief, about all the love you and Sammi shared, about her ways. That's what these kinds of boards are for, so use them as you will! I send you prayers for yours and Petey's healing, and for Sammi's loving and boisterous spirit.