Mom Will Live In My Heart Forever

[tcalger]

My beloved mom passed away September 10, 2005 just before 3 PM at age 78. She had cancer and fought valiantly to the end. She was the most gracious, kind, loving and noble soul that I have ever known. I am heartbroken and griefstricken. everyone who knew her loved her. My siblings are loving and supportive, but I feel lost and so empty--the pain is horrible and I feel as though I lost the only person who loved and knew me. She was always there for all of her children. Her only wish was that her children be happy and I feel I am betraying her because I feel so miserable. My brother and sisters are concerned about me and I feel that of the four of us I have been the weakest. I am useless to them as I can't help with any of the things that need to be done now that mom's gone. I miss her so much. My brother (the oldest) tells me that he'll handle everything (with the help of my sisters) and that I have not let them down and have helped him in many ways. I don't really care what happens to me, I have a dog and cat that I love and they need me, but nothing else matters without mom.

I love you so much mom and my love for you is eternal. You will live in my heart forever. The most precious gift in my life was that I had you as my mother. God this hurts!

Tim Alger

New Jersey

[JCL]

Hi Tim,

I lost my wonderful mother at 76 last October. I feel the same way about my mom. I miss her so much. There are so many times I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to her. I spent the longest time feeling like she was just on vacation somewhere and that I was waiting for her to come back, even though that was completely irrational . Noone can fill our mother's place in our hearts. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you lost the person who loved you and knew you the best. I am the youngest of three, but it sounds like you might be the youngest also. Every child has their own bond, but I feel like I had a special bond with my mother as I was also the last child at home for a while and she had more time for me alone. I am sorry for your loss.

Julie

[Maylissa]

Although I lost my Mother just over a year and a half ago, naturally, the pain is still with me.....not to as great an extent, but a pain that will never go away completely. I also had a special bond with my Mom, despite all our difficulties through the years ( and there were oftentimes many! ), as we were the only 2 females in our family, and I was the daughter she'd always wanted after having 2 sons. I was the only one, at the end, who truly loved her...the 3 men, including my father, never had much clue as to what love meant. I was the only one really looking into her healthcare needs during her 6 months of institutionalized illness, but wasn't physically there to check into things in an obvious fashion, so she suffered greatly at the hands of 'caregivers' and my family alike. She was really the only family I had, since no one else communicated, willingly, with anyone else. She was MY glue, if no one else's. I lost all but 1 or 2 relatives after both she and my brother died the same year, and so I feel her loss all the more. The sisters of hers I talked to, who all sound very similar, I no longer have to talk to - they all quit calling, as if I don't exist without her.......and that's how I feel in some ways. Extended relatives didn't even realize how close she and I were all these years....they never sat down to think about it, or just notice. They seem to think, just because I didn't live in the same city anymore, that I don't suffer daily from her absence. I have one, lone tape of her and I talking when she was in hospital ( I was recording conversations with staff, in case they screwed up again and caused her death, which the doctors almost did at least once )......I can only play it once a year, because it tears me apart so badly....she was doing so well in her 2nd recovery ( after the medical mistake ) at that time....to know she didn't make it just about kills me.

[spela]

I am sorry for your losses. Tim, I would like to say to you that you shouldn't feel you're disappointing your mom because you feel sad. Afterall, we are only human and she understands it it something you have to go through. Take care of yourselfs, all of you.

[STARKISS]

HI, I TOO HAVE LOST MY MOM, SHE DIED WHEN WE WERE ON VACATION IN LAS VEGAS, I AM FROM CANADA SO IT WAS VERY HARD TO LOSE HER SO FAR FROM HOME. MY MOM WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTOOD ME AND CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME. I AM HAVING A REALLY HARD TIME DEALING WITH HER DEATH SOME DAYS I WISH IT WAS ME WHO DIED AND NOT HER. SHE DIED ON APRIL 18, 2005 AND I THINK THAT SHE AND I HAD A BOND THAT NO ONE ELSE WOULD UNDERSTAND. I FEEL LIKE I DIED THE DAY SHE DID. MY MOM GAVE ME UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND IS THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPEN TO ME IS THAT SHE WAS MY MOM AND I THANK GOD THAT ATLEAST WE HAD THE TIME WE DID. BUT IT STILL RIPES ME APART INSIDE EVERY DAY. I AM SORRY FOR ALL YOUR LOSTS AND I HOPE TALKING ABOUT THEM WILL HELP US ALL DEAL WITH OUR LOVED ONES DEATH.

[JCL]

Hi Starkiss,

I understand how hard this is. I had a special bond with my mother too and felt like she was the one person who really understood me. It is very hard to live in the world now knowing that I cannot experience her love "in person" any more. Sometimes I feel like people do not really understand how hard my mother's death hit me. Some people seem to think that if it was not a spouse of many years you are mourning that it is not as profound a loss. Maybe they did not have the relationship that others of us have had with our mothers. I went through some of the same feelings of why do I need to be here anymore? I am still not totally sure of the answer to that question, but I keep trying to get through every day. Somedays I feel like she is getting farther away from me. Surviving the one person you felt really loved you is a difficult thing to do.

[STARKISS]

HI JCL,

THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS AND THOUGHTS, YOU ARE RIGHT UNLESS YOU HAVE LOSS YOUR MOM AND SHE AND YOU HAD THE SPECIAL BOND WE HAD YOU REALLY DO NOT KNOW WHAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH. THANKS AGAIN

[Maylissa]

Everyone,

Although me and my Mom didn't have the healthiest relationship going, what makes her loss extra tough for me is that she was the only one in my entire family who I even had a strong bond with. So sometimes it's not even a matter of having a high quality relationship, but the fact that there was only one that really mattered. When you have a father who didn't love you, and siblings that weren't close either, and when you're the only 2 of the same gender in a family, it seems to make that bond that much more vital to your existence. Andwhen the rest of the family (those who are still alive, at any rate) shuts you out after your loss, it's that much worse. Although I have my own, tiny family unit, most of my former world disappeared within 2 months of my Mom's passing.

I also just realized this week that I must have still been fairly numb with shock for the whole first year afterwards, and that's one of the reasons this second year seems even harder. Plus, with over a year of waiting and hoping someone in the family might step forward after having abandoned me, and nothing like that has happened, it's that much more depressing now. Now I really feel the total impact of having lost everyone I've known since birth, with the loss of just one person...my Mom.

[JCL]

I have elements of those situations in my family also. Certain siblings who are not really that close. Then there are the family members and family friends for which my mother was the light or glue that brought everyone around. I was always one of the more introspective kids in my family. Being the youngest, I had more freedom and did not choose to settle down and marry young, but I traveled and did other things.

Unfortunately, I now feel like some of my choices in life have come back to haunt me. That I should have spent more time settling down and building more support around me. I never dreamed that I would reach this age (48) and already have gone through my best friend dying of MS a year before my mom and I did not expect to lose my mom until she was in her eighties. I can't even talk about my best friend with anyone her knew her, because her husband took off for Florida less than a year after she died.

Most of my real support network went away with those two women. Going into my 2nd year year now without both of them, I feel like I have lost a lot of my history, with people who knew everything about me. I feel like I banked on time that I did not really have. The fact that they are both irreplaceable people has made it hard to go on and rebuild a new life, because my former life is definitely over.

[Maylissa]

JCL,

I've read some of your previous posts and noticed we have some similarities in situations. I am also the youngest, and the same age as you, as well as being the only introspective child I think in the family. While I didn't know it at the time, it looks like my Mom was the center of the knot among many of the extended family, never mind our own. Although my Mom was in her 80's ( because I was born late in life ), it still doesn't seem right because my Mom was in her 50's when she lost her own mother....I wasn't really ready and also banked on time that wasn't there. I hoped and then expected, because she rallied for the umpteenth time, she'd have a while longer, would be in a home where I could visit her and work with hopefully a better staff than where she was, where she passed. I'll be into my second year as of this coming Jan.

One of her many sisters, the one I talked to the most often and who I grew up being around, was the relative who hurt me the most. She seems to have some mental problems ( now in her early 80's as well ), which obviously got worse with the stress of her sister's illness, then death. Unfortunately, I was caught in the crossfire and she said some really hurtful things in trying to blame someone for her anxiety, even though she had many other, much more deserving targets. I'd forgive and forget, but I've already done this with her too many times before ( and she NEVER aplologizes ) and I just can't listen to those kinds of accusations anymore....not after my Mom's gone. So I'm left with another aunt who never cares about anyone else anyway, and a last one who has ignored my 2 attempts at connecting with her, though she lost her husband last year and I tried to be supportive. Then there's my cousin ( out of a million of them ) who keeps promising she'll call, and doesn't. My last brother is the main problem, of course and is the one we said from the get-go who ought to have been the sibling to go, but wasn't. My 'sister-in-law' is a problem in and of herself and also said so many hurtful things, both about me and my Mom, that I want nothing to do with her, either. I'm surrounded by toxic people who can't and won't sympathize with me. Then there are the friends from my past who've abandoned me, too.

I've had nothing but failed attempts to restock my world with new friends, a new support network, but it's not working out. No matter what they SAY about supporting me, they don't want to let me talk about my losses, either, though they've all lost parents as well. Not one lousy person currently in my life has offered to let me talk about memories of my Mom, and when I interject with one in a conversation, their focus turns to something else. I expected they would know better what it's like, but no. I think my family history is too much for them to take ( and no one considers what it's like for ME, if it's too hard for them to even hear, much less live through ), so once again, the sins of the father are visited upon the child! I don't deserve this treatment, and that's what I'm railing about. I'm not the one who acted horribly, but I'm the one left out in the cold. IT'S NOT FAIR!!

[Dester]

The bad part of losing our moms is that we don't have that wonderful maternal place to go any longer...... I miss my mother more than I can express in words.

The good part is that I keep seeing parts of her manifesting itself in me..........her sayings, her mannerisms, her beliefs and so much more. I commit myself to feeling proud and comforted that I am part of her and she is part of me always. It took me a year to get to this place...I hope you can feel that too.

[Lila]

I travelled the world for so long looking for something, looking for the unconditional love, of self worth and approval. I wanted the approval and to make my mom proud of me. I competed at international level in my sport of wrestling. Mom told me she was sad for me that I was born a girl, however she gave me the strength to show her that gender doesn't matter you can be who you want to be. I always thought what I was looking for was out there and that I will find it one day. It was my mothers love. My mother passed away on the 18th Sep 2005 however I am grateful to have got to spend four glorious days with her. I spent three days by her side and watched her die thinking that she could not hear me or did not know I was there (she knew I was there by her side) I slept by her bed I didn't leave till the end. She waited for me to come home from the US to Melbourne so that she could see me one last time. Throughout all the agony she was goning through she found the strength and the sanity to tell me that I was beautiful and that she was glad to have me by her side. She also told me that she loved me and that I had her approval to marry my man I left the country to be with. She became selfless and let me be free. I then realised that what I went looking for was always there, she always loved me and I felt safe with her. I was meant to have competed in the World Championships it was going to be my last as I knew that the sacrifice both financial and other did not permit me to go again (or so I choose). I didn't get to go that one last time to the world championships and find that potential I was always looking for. It doesn't matter as I got what I always wanted, I found what I was looking for. I am so grateful that I chose to come home when I did as I have no regrets now and will always know my mom loves me and that I have her approval. I miss her so deapley and know she is looking over me. I love my mom.

[Maylissa]

Dester and Lila,

Dester,

Yes, you're right, and I get that, too, although sometimes in ways that I don't even want! lol! I'm very much my Mother, in a lot of ways. I remember my father's sister telling me this year, when I sent her a picture of me and my husband, right off the bat saying that I had my Mother's hands. Although this is a physical characteristic, it was one of the best compliments I'd ever received and it's true. I couldn't believe she'd noticed! There have been many times, especially as I've aged, that I've looked down at my hands and seen almost the same hands that took care of me when I was ill, did so many chores, recalling how my Mom used to lament that her hands were so old and worked-looking, and while I would see that, I'd also see hands that did so much out of love and concern. I wish I had expressed that to her at the time. Sigh...and the more I age, the more I see her face in mine. I used to be so afraid of an aged look, but now I know I have something to look forward to in a way, as I WILL look almost exactly like my Mother when I'm old, assuming I get that far. As for her emotional characteristics, I already know I've come farther than she was able, and that's a good thing, as I think of myself as her further evolved self, what she could have become given the chances I was given, unlike her own past. In my rebellious stage, I hated seeing parts of her in me, but now I've tried to adopt the parts that were her best and that's good enough as they're worth keeping.

Lila,

That is so beautiful, what you found in your mother, and before it was too late. I can relate to looking for the love, self-worth and approval and to make my Mom proud of me. Unfortunately, this is one thing that I don't believe really happened before she passed. I realized afterwards how often I'd been doing something, almost anything, even before her passing, and be doing it with the thought of, " Mom would be pleased if she could see this from me, her daughter." It came as a shock after, to see how often I'd been thinking of her and wanting to make her proud of me, despite believing that I'd wasted my greatest potentials. My parents had not been supportive of individuality and efforts towards bettering oneself, but this is where my rebelliousness was directed. So while I'd done this in some areas, I'd always felt, and still do, that I'd let many other personal potentials slide. What I didn't realize during all those years was how much making my Mom proud had been driving me all along. Now that she's no longer here, I don't seem to have the same oomph that I used to have. Since self-worth wasn't modeled whatsoever in my family, I now find that trying to do things for my own sake alone is a real struggle. So you are extremely lucky to have had a mother as generous and truly loving as your mom was. I don't think there's any greater gift a parent can give their child as their true blessing to be themselves and shine!

I do know my Mom loved me anyway, but I still regret not being able to have given back more of what I'd hoped to be able to give her when she was still here. One case in point: my husband and I had zero income both before and during her illness. I'd always dreamed of the day we'd be more well-off and could afford to get her the practical things she needed at home that I knew my father wouldn't provide for her in her old age. While she was ill, my father refused to pay for a lousy TV in her room at the rehab. center, nor for a private phone, and we simply couldn't afford it at the time. Too ironically, we only began receiving income AFTER both she and my brother had died, by one lousy month. Had we had some money at the time, there would have been SO much more I could have provided for her in her last days. including my presence. I can't help but wonder, to this day, WHY things happened in the order that they did. How was that fair to her, or to me? And this is only one point that gnaws at my brain. I've had a long, hard struggle with trying to 'measure up' to hers and my father's ideals, not that there was any way to achieve them in most areas without some sort of criticism regardless. I always knew that my Mom was trying to live vicariously through me and my potential life, which wasn't healthy or fair to me, and so I feel like I failed her, even though my better sense tells me that I've done okay and often surpassed expectations, but in areas that weren't as important to my parents. It's a difficult cross to bear, believing I was right in many ways, but not ever having convinced either of them that that was so. So I repeat...you're very fortunate, and I'm glad you recognize what a gift that was from your mother. It really IS unconditional love that she gifted you with and her words to you were truly what every daughter ( or son ) wishes to hear. Perhaps it is in the act of dying that we learn what is truly needed and what is really important and if we are able, we express just that. What a wonderful legacy to leave with your loved one! I'm so happy for you that you got what you had longed and searched for. Beautiful!

[Kay-Kay]

It has been 5 years since i lost my mom I am still young. I am only 17 years old. But i need my mom now more then i have every needed her. I think about her every single say. You would think that since it has been so long you wouldn't feel like this. But you will always have that empty place in your heart. My mom was 37 years old when she passed she had lung cancer she didn't smoke she got lung cancer through second hand smoke. I am out of school and on my own. I need my mom more and more everyday. I know she is here in spirit and sees me she sees that i am doing real good for myself i graduated from High School when i was 15 yaers old. Now i am a Junior in College. I took college courses while i was still in High School. I am a Manager for a great company. I am only 17 years old though. I just need to talk to someone because now all the pressure is on me now. I have a younger whom i take care of. She is 13 years old. But no matter what i do to try and keep busy i always lie in bed at night and still cry myself to sleep everysingle night.

[Maylissa]

Kay-Kay,

That is so tragic when daughters lose their mothers so early in life! My heart goes out to you in your terrible struggle. Have you ever looked up the "Motherless Daughters" group on the web? It focuses on those who lost their moms at a younger age, and is supposed to be quite a good resource. I would have tried it myself, but I don't really 'qualify' as I'm too 'old'! [it's not fair! :-) ] I can't even imagine going through that much of my life without my Mom....it's bad enough now. ( and my goodness, I just realized you lost your mom just when I was being born to mine! ) On one hand, we older daughters have that many more memories and history with our moms to miss, but at least we have that, whereas you didn't even get the chance to build that up together. I'm so sorry for you. The fact that you've done as well for yourself as you have speaks to a great inner resource within yourself, which has now brought you to seek more help for yourself, so pat yourself on the back for that! You could also try some of the 'teens' forums, since you're still in that age bracket, unless you're really looking for more ( so-called? ) 'wisdom' from those of us who are more seasoned, shall we say? And if you've never considered counselling, that could be another good option for you as well. As I can't relate as well as others in the same boat, that's about all I can offer right now. However, you should know I've read about the same kind of unresolved feeling from other young women which is why I think that first group would be able to help you so much. May you be divinely-guided to just what you need!