7 Weeks Ago I Was Making A Horrible Decision...

[dave s]

7 weeks ago I had to make the decision to stop all treatments on Mike and place in Hospice...........I woke up this am,and have been crying for the last 2 hrs, yes I know crying can be healthy and respect such, but I dont feel any better......Am well aware of what is bothering me at present and am paralyzed with dread for the coming week of his 7th week anniversary of his death on Mon., his bday on Thurs., our anniversary on Sat. and wonder how I will cope with this triple whammy in 1 week......Actually writing this note hoping I can gain some strength to deal with this all....Have notified my family and friends that super responsible, reliable Dave is not at home this week and I am going to need some help ....God how could I have been in so much love and now regretting our relationship as I wouldnt be in so much pain right now? Any wise words out there on how to deal with this? Damn I wish I could stop crying!

[MartyT]

Dave, dear, I can point you to all sorts of posts and articles on how to cope with these special days, but first I want to remind you that in reality, when you've lost a precious loved one to death, EVERY day is difficult! In a very real sense, there is nothing different about these "special" days ~ each one is just another day on the calendar ~ except for the power we choose to give them. I also think it's important to PLAN for each of these days, even if your plan is to do nothing and to stay in bed all day. At least that's a plan, and it's better than letting the day sneak up on you with no idea as to how you intend to live it. On the other hand, you can pack each of these days full of meaning and remembrance. It is up to you, and you can be as creative (or not) as you have the energy and the inclination to be.

Here are links that may give you some ideas:

How Do I Get through Birthdays, etc.

Coping with Anniversary Dates

And there is this:

They Lie in Ambush

Anniversaries:

Days to stay in bed on;

times of remembering that throw us back emotionally,

into the past moments,

making our progress and lack of progress ever so clear.

Oh, if only someone had prepared me for a setback on anniversaries. Anniversaries of births, deaths, special moments, dreadful times, triumphant victories can exhume past pain as if it were fresh. It seems to be an instinctual ritual performed by our subconscious that pays homage to the shadow of lost dreams.

Memories don't understand time. We expect to enjoy remembering or be unaffected by our memories. But anniversaries pluck at our subconscious, raising past feelings with no regard for the healing that has happened. It all seems for naught.

Even after years, we may anticipate that the anniversary of the death will no longer have an effect. Time has numbed the grieving, lulling us with the false security of normalcy.

Then we find ourselves in bed for the whole day, confused. But this is normal. We loved, and the imprint of that day rejuvenates both the love and the loss. Even if we convince our minds to forget, our cells remember. Expect this setback and be gentle to the part of the soul that doesn't understand the passage of time. It is only temporary. Anniversaries are days to contemplate the past, and glimpse the tremendous difference in this new life that survived.

One year ago, you died. Today I look at grief. With a capital G. It's part of my life, as much as air, food, companionship, and love. Yet I fear it. Avoid it. Deny it.

All through my life I've given up things, people, places. I've given up illusions – about omnipotence, about immortality. I've given up friends who unexpectedly betrayed me. Friends who moved away. I found out I wasn't a whiz in science when I got a "C" on my fifth-grade exam. I found out that people lie, that parents break promises. I found out that my dreams of adolescence wouldn't be realized by my twenty-fifth birthday. I discovered that dreams go away, as do lovers, parents, and siblings, by death, abandonment, or a divergence of life's current. I discovered that the fantasy I had nurtured about someone loving me exactly the way I wanted was folly. I would never be loved that way.

I've given up many things in my life. And I have never been graceful about letting go. Either I thrust something away before it can leave me, or I cling like a pit bull on a postman's leg. When you died, I was not prepared for the deluges of feeling that would conflict with one another. I wasn't prepared to feel love and hate at the same moment. I was not prepared to push and pull at the same time. Perhaps that is why I am inert today.

~ Stephanie Ericsson, in Companion Through the Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief, HarperPerennial, NY, 1993, pp. 177-178.

[azbrian]

Dave,

I feel your pain and I wish I had wise words for you but I don't.

For some people it is a natural reaction to think they regret ever being in the relationship when it does cause such pain when the loss happens. That has not happened to me but like anything else we go through it could happen.

IMHO I think is something that is thought of under extreme stress. You mentioned a triple whammy coming up this week.

One thing a lot of people mentioned to me when I first became a member here..... don't be too hard on yourself.

If I ever do have these thoughts I hope I can remind myself the ride was worth the cost.

Take care

[Lainey]

Dave,

I found that most of the time the days before were much worse because that is what we're anticipating to happen.When Lars died 12/11/09 I was dreading Christmas, but because of the numbness it wasn't too bad(I think). The first real first that I had to acknowledge was his b/day. I bought a memory candle, lit it and cried a few hours. Then I cooked a bunch of Lars' favorite foods and the kids came for supper. The hardest was our Anniversary , again the candle was lit, I also sent some balloons up to him.On his death date(Fri), I send a kiss and hug up to him every week.

Whatever way you want to acknowledge these days is up to you. Stay in bed, go to special places, look at photos, as long as it feels right to you.

Please don't ever regret that you loved someone so deeply and were loved back as deeply. That love is something to treasure. I understand that because you're suffering, you might feel this way now.. later on you will treasure that loved Mike gave so freely to you.

Reach out to you family and friends and us on this site. We'll all be here for you, Dave.

Lainey

[mfh]

Dave, I have found also that the anticipation is worse than the day itself. I had dreams and anxiety before our 25th anniversary this past Wednesday but Wednesday was not too bad. Every day is hard and I am learning that every day is just another day and it is hard and will be for a long time. I also want you to know that i will be thinking of you this week as it is a loaded week for you. Get what you need and be gentle with yourself. Mary

[Dwaynecg]

Dave,

I feel for you. Today is Pauline's 4 month anniversary of her Passing. I have spent the day quiet by myself. At 2:30 PM I lit a candle, and watched the DVD I made of her live. I played it at her memorial I had for her. She had donated her body to science. I a year or maybe a little longer I will get her ashes back. I also cried many tears today. I was very fortunate to have had her I my life for 33 years. In the end the MS took her real fast and her final days I kept her pain free thanks to hospice. Pauline was on hospice for 3 weeks. It was the best decision that we made. I am not as emotional as I was at 3 months. I think the medication like anti depressant is helping me. If you haven't been to a Doctor for help, all I can say is that they have helped me. Along with everyone here on HOV. I have gotten some great suggestions and support from here. like Brian all I have to do is come here and see where I started at compared to now. I hope you find peace and comfort and never regret your relationship you had and still have with all the good memories, they live on through us and everyone that knew them.

Dwayne

[dave s]

THANKS FOR EVERYONES INPUT AND SUPPORT, I PRAY THAT WITH TIME I WILL SEE SOMETING POSITIVE FROM THIS EXPERIENCE.......AS OF YET THIS PAIN TOTALLY OUTWEIGHS THE BENFITS OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.....HAD I KNOWN THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED I WOULD HAVE TURN AND RAN AWAY.....DAVE

[mfh]

Dave, It feels like you are telling us of how horrible the pain is which speaks of the love you had. It will ease up in time. I never thought I would say that but at 15 months Monday, the pain is there for sure but I can breathe now and remember good times and be grateful for them. I hope soon that you can have that also. Mary

[Guest Nicholas]

Dave,

It is the old adage of "better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all". I know exactly how you feel; but at no stage, however intense the pain, would I ever wish that I had never adopted my son. Buddhists believe that all attachment leads to suffering and that is inevitably true; after all, unless both people die simultaneously, it is unavoidable that one will suffer from the loss. I have spoken with many monks who have either given up their wife and children to devote themselves full time to Buddhism, and with those who have spent their entire lives in retreat, never knowing the kind of love you experienced. At times I envied them, like now, but not forever.

At this moment it may feel like you wished you had never met your partner, but that will pass, as all things inevitably do.

Take care

Nicholas

[kayc]

Dave,

I'm sorry you're in so much anguish, I know you miss Mike terribly, but please don't second guess your decisions, you did the best you could for him as you loved him and still do.

[just one more hug]

Dave....Just got through two 1st's ...his b\day and our anniversary...did it hurt??? yes...did I cry..??? Oh yes!!!...but thanks to Kayc...the words to the song she directed me to kept playing in my head...over and over...and gave me the feeling that no matter how it ended...I would never have changed my life with Bill. "Our lives are better left to chance...I could have missed the pain..but I'd have had to miss the dance". The "dance" you shared with Mike...you life together...was just meant to be...My prayer for you during this painful time is that in the days to come you will realize your happy you did not "run away" but stayed to enjoy the beautiful thing you had together. It was meant to be....cherished and remembered...and how lucky you were to have had that dance...something a whole lot of people never get no matter how hard they try.

Promise yourself you will remember that...it will still hurt...I know!!!...but I'd never want Bill to think I ever had regrets about a minute shared with him...and I'd do it all again. I bet you would too. Take care this week and be easy on yourself...God Bless...Carol