Nice To Know Its Okay To Grieve

[LisaF]

My mom passed away 9 months ago. She was only 50, and while she had some chronic health problems, her death was completely unexpected. She passed away peacefully in her sleep, and I was the one who found her. By the time I found her, she was already cold.

My parents, hubby, and I lived in New Orleans then. The rest of the family was spread across the country. When we started making phone calls to tell relatives, I got the same thing over and over from all of them-- how's your dad doing? Make sure you take care of your dad. Be strong, your dad's gonna need you. I'm an only child, so there was no one to share that burden with.

Well, hubby and I split a month later. He and I had moved in with my dad to be caretakers, cause my dad's chronically ill too. I guess hubby couldn't handle it. Well, the good news was that once we split, it became okay for me to be upset about that.

But to this day, I don't feel like it's okay for me to grieve my mom. I have been anyway, but people treat me like I'm crazy. Some days it's just easier to blame the divorce when telling people why I'm upset. Although in truth, much as I miss hubby, and much as I love/loved him, it is nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to losing Mom.

I was only 28 when she died (had my 29th birthday since then), and my mom was my whole world. Best friend, sister, spiritual counselor, advice-giver...as well as the only female I ever truly got along with. I'm a tomboy, and my friends have always been guys, but Mom was who I did girly stuff with, like shopping and changing hairstyles.

I have a grief counselor as well as a psychologist, and I go to a grief support group. But even in those places, they always seem to think that I should talk more about my divorce and subsequent dating scenarios, rather than about my Mom. I get a huge feeling from everywhere that people just don't get why I would have such a hard time with the death of my mother. Well, I don't know about anyone else's relationships with their moms, but I know that my relationship with mine eclipsed my relationships with anyone else. We talked on the phone just about every single day of my life.

For the most part, I'm getting through it. I have been pretty functional for a few months now. But it's so good to have found this place, and to find out that there are others who grieve for a parent. I don't feel quite so alone now. Thank you.

[Maylissa]

LisaF,

Glad you've found this site, and I'm sorry you, too, lost your mom. I also wanted to suggest something else, too. There's a site for Motherless Daughters, which focuses on younger women who've lost their moms. (personally, I wish there was one for older women, too, as I don't qualify for this group! ) You might also give that a try. For your grief group,etc, why don't you try being very honest with these people and tell them that while you appreciate their sympathy about your divorce, your need right now is to focus on your mother's passing...because that came first and you haven't had a chance to work through it yet?

[tcalger]

Lisa,

I certainly am not a young woman (46 yr old man), but I need some help from people who have lost their mom recenly. I've lost my mom very recently. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have a post just by yours. My mom passed away, after a valiant battle with cancer, on Saturday Sept 10. She was the one person who loved me unconditionally and who I trusted. I still can't believe my beautiful mom is gone. The pain is unbearable. I try to be strong (as she always was) and I end up weeping and sobbing like a little boy. My siblings are doing much better than I am (or at least they maintain their outward composure as we are all devastated!).

My dad is alive, but I was nevr particularly close to him and although I try to give him the benefit of the doubt. In my opinion he is not a good man. He did not deserve my mom. She was a great and good woman.

Reading your post touched me as I can tell how devoted to your mom you were. I don't know you, but I am positive that you made your mom's last days easier for her. She was proud of you and only wanted you to be happy because she loved you with all her heart.

There's the rub--the one person in this life (the one who gives us life) who wants only for us to be happy leaves us and causes us to feel such anguish and heartbreak.

If it comforts you I want you to know Lisa that at the worst time in my life your words have consoled me. You made me think of something other than my own grief. I only wish I could help you as I desperately tried soooo hard to help my mom in the last few hours and days of her llife. I have difficulty and break down when I think of my beautiful mom suffering. I wish I could have done something because my helplessness at that time tears me up. No living thing should suffer, but to see someone who was loved by all who knew her in pain is the worst thing in my life. It is so difificult. I know you understand. So it's essential that you know that evn though you have, and are, hurting to your core you have made it easier for me at this time.

You hang in ther because I can tell that you have a good heart. It would be worse if you didn't have any emotions--at least I think so!

My mom's in heaven and I feel as if I am in a livng hell.

A kindred Spirit,

TimA