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Another Aftershock


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My two youngest sons and I arrived home yesterday from Canada. It's odd how calm I was throughout the trip. Only one small meltdown in the car alone. Apart from that, I felt quite serene. As I said, I laughed a lot and danced at my son's wedding. I felt peaceful. Maybe this is the "sign" my husband sent me - or maybe he was there with us, helping us at my son's graduation and wedding, and all through our time there. He and I were definitely soulmates, so maybe his soul was holding mine when I needed him most.

Last night after coming home from two flights - 9 hours in all - having had no sleep, I was just worn out and slept well. But this morning has found me in pain and tears again. Another aftershock. This is the first family vacation we've returned from without Thyge. And also I remember returning home from our eldest son's wedding last year, only to drive off to the hospital. He only made one short visit home after that before leaving us. I miss him so much it's gut-wrenching.

So many memories - good and bad - today, and so many tears. I have jetlag and have to be at work in an hour - though I know that sounds like a luxury problem compared to a lot of other people, and I'm sorry about that.

It's just that right now life seems exhausting and meaningless without him. It always seems to come back to that.

Melina

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Melina, you have to commend yourself for going through with this and doing as well as you did. Jetlag and having to go right to work is hard, I hope you make it through it okay, I'll pray for you.

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Melina:

You are a trooper and an inspiration to me. I have my son's wedding on the 23rd and I have a lot of anxiety about it. The being alone in the church pew in the front row alone, the fact that my husband isn't there to witness it, the memories, and the loneliness mixed in with the happiness I will feel for my son and daughter in law and wanting to participate in the celebration. I know I will have meltdowns and I am just trying to prepare for it and how to handle it.

I'm so glad you got to go and participate and I'm sure you will feel better after the jetlag subdues. Kudos to you Melina.

Blessings

Becky

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Melina

Don't be to hard on your self. Going through 2 big events in your life. Then having the 9 hour flight. Is hard on anyone, let alone someone how has lost their true love of their life. I am sure that Thyge was with you in spirit the whole time. I would have had several melt downs. Just let work happen like you always have done. We are all here for you. I hope you find some peace today.

God Bless You

Dwayne

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Oh Melina, coming home is so hard. The wedding and travel is a distraction and then...we are back to the pain and loneliness. I admire you for going and I understand how hard it is to return to the empty house and the memories. Now to work when you are exhausted and sad. This is such a tough journey and I get the gut-wrenching part...almost feel like vomiting at times. I think the word aftershock is perfect....it is an assault on your being. I am thinking of you and send a gigantic hug. Mary

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Dear Melina,

If it is any consolation, I find it much harder to function --and that i am much more prone to meltdowns--when i am exhausted. And the west to east travel is worse for jet-lag and disorientation than east to west. Give yourself a few days to recover. It sounds very much like the trip was a positive one and that Thyge was there with you the entire time. Take what solace you can in that.

You are getting stronger.

Peace,

Harry

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Thanks everyone for the comments. I'm on vacation from work now. We're required to take four weeks off in July, since our hospital department shut down then. After all the hectic activity with the flying, graduation, wedding and then work - I'm alone again. Life is standing still and it's very quiet.

That's when the grief becomes more intense.

What I am going to do with the next four weeks? I should fix up this old house, but my motivation is very low right now. Just cutting the hedge took everything out of me this afternoon. I hope I can zip through these next four weeks quickly. It's the first time I've ever wanted a vacation to be over quickly.

Melina

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Melina, that is a long time to have nothing on your plate. I understand about the gardening stuff. I put a soaker hose out yesterday as the heat index has been 110 and no rain...just getting the hose on and laying it out took all my energy...I guess I have no energy. Grieving saps all that and so any task is dipping into an empty well. Motivating ourselves to do the list of tasks we all have is difficult. I hope you can use this month to get some rest, relax and read. I know the aloneness is so so tough...I KNOW! Mary

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Melina,

I understand completely about having no energy. I have been that way for a long time until my DR. put me on an anti depressant. I fell it is starting to work. I went to early church with my friend Donna, She sings on the stage at church. She has for years. Today was the very first time I did not cry while we were singing. Pauline also loved that part. The church has a band, piano, drums, bass guitar, other guitars, and a fiddler. It is always up lifting, but every time I had tears rolling down my face. I have been going sense mid March. When I get home I am alone all day and night. I do have pets, small dog. 2 small birds, 3 fish tanks. One has a sting ray Pauline favorite fish. Today when I got home I started cleaning the fish tanks. It does take time, but keeps me busy. I used to go for a walk everyday until the Foley stopped that.

Mary said it best get some rest, relax and read if you like that. I enjoy National Geographic myself. Try to have some fun and recharge so you will be ready for work.

God Bless

Dwayne

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