Loving, Caring Relatives? Really?

[HoneyImHome11]

Let's see... I've got to get a handle on this or this will drive me crazy and I will do something I will regret later. I can't be the only one going through this.

My husband was a "Harley" rider... we took summer vacations on it, the most exciting one was "Sturgis" in South Dakota, the biggest daddy of the them all. I call my husband's bike the "Mistress", she is maroon, a 2004 FatBoy, my husband's pride and joy.

Since my husband's passing (May 27th) there has not been one visit from family that the subject of the bike has not come up... "are you going to sell that bike?" and how are you holding up? or... "I know someone who might be interested in buying Bob's harley", and are you doing OK? or... "you know you could put a lowering kit on that bike for yourself and learn to ride it", and how's work going for you? or... "how long do you think you will keep that bike?", I hope you are taking care of yourself...

The family just can't stand it... they can't stand the thought of this bike just sitting in our garage all covered up without a rider.

Well, I can't stand it either. And between you and me? It won't be one of them getting that bike either.

Not sure what I am going to do but Bob certainly didn't let any of them ride it before he died it certainly won't happen now after he died.

I am feeling the walls closing in around me in lots of different directions, emotionally and through family just waiting and watching my every move...

Am I crazy? Grieving sucks.

Peace to all.

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

[Anne E]

Deb, it does suck and "Loving, Caring Relatives" with gleaming eyes doesn't help!

Dick had a 1967 Oldsmobile 442 Chiffon Yellow Air Injected Muscle Car. Yaddy, Yaddy, Yaddy. He purchased it new a few months before we met and really loved that car. It sat in the garage while my car sat in the driveway! Dick LOVED that car and as the years passed, that car has become pretty valuable.

After Dick's death, I got the same questions and gleaming eyes from family and friends. Luckily, we have an adult son who also loves that car. We solved that problem by putting the car on a trailer and having Richard take it back to Colorado with him. It is now sitting in the detached garage here and my car sits in the attached car. Richard had a little plaque made which he put on the console that says, "This IS my Father's Oldsmobile".

People who haven't gone through what we are going through, don't realize how insensitive, and hurtful they can be. That is what I am choosing to believe. Family knows that the car is here in Colorado with us, but they still ask. I don't understand it.

Don't make any decisions until you are totally comfortable making the decision. That's my advise. Just tell them you won't be making any decisions for a while. Maybe that would work?

Anne

[kayc]

My advice? Don't do anything that you aren't totally comfortable with. If you don't know what to do, wait, don't do anything until you do know. I'm sure all of us have similar stories...one of the things that came from George's death was my learning to really stand up for myself and say my mind...not in a disrespectful way, but I can put people in their place too if I have to...and sometimes I've had to, it grew me some real backbone. His Harley is now YOUR Harley and it is entirely up to YOU what to do with it...you know your options without them telling you, now it's just up to you to take your time to decide what the right thing for YOU is, and there is absolutely no rush.

[new]

Deb,

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I use to go on trips on his Harley Ultra Glide Classic. He had a motorcycle when I met him in 1976 and we were just teenagers and has always had one. I can relate to your stories about family and concers about the bike. It makes me angry when even asked. I will do what I want with it when I want to. I may just let it sit in the garage forever so that I can go out and look at it. There are so many memories attached to us and riding. I hope you will be able to ignore these type of things, although I know frustrating, and concentrate on taking care of yourself. Be good to yourself.

I try to ignore these family members and limit my contact to the ones who don't ask. I have let a few of them know how I feel in hopes they will tell the ones who seem to want it. I have decided not to make any changes for the 1st year so that I won't make decisions that I will regret. there was also some mention of me returning a couple of family heirlooms that had been given to my husband by his parents and grandparents. Our son will be getting these at some point. Of course these requests aren't coming from his immediate family but cousins and etc. It has been 4 1/2 months for me. Haven't heard anything negative from them about it for about a month now.

Take care.

Pat

[Lainey]

First, I'm sorry Pat and Deb that you have to be on this site because of your losses.

"What's his is now yours".Not for the rest of the family to fight over.

I'm sure everyone one of us has someone that thinks that certain thing should go to them.. sorry, I will be the one to decide what is given to who(m).

I'm past 18 months and have given my children whatever they want. Lars was a carver and EVERYONE thinks they should get one, I wonder if they want it as a keepsake or to sell. Therefore my kids, g/daughters and I will be keeping all of them.

Everyone has different time frames as to when to start disposing of the things. I started very soon after Lars passed, maybe because I knew 6 months before that he wasn't going to be with me much longer. Take as long as you need to make the decision and only get rid of things you're SURE of.For the important decisions, it is better to wait for a year or so if possible.

Lainey

[HoneyImHome11]

Thank you all for replying to my first post, it was important to me as it was my first time away from the cancer board. I hope to learn much in the way of grieving here... how to grow through it, how to manage it, how to process everyone's advice I get. My short year with melanoma with my husband seemed long but compared with other's stories it was but just a quick boat ride through a messy waters. I miss him terribly as each day goes by so right now I can't imagine right now how it's going to be any better. As far as possessions go? What family doesn't understand... their comments hurt because I would rather be rid of them if it meant I could have my husband back. What the possession mean for me... I put them away so I don't have daily reminders because he is everywhere right now around me where I live in my house as it is. He is in the very air I breath.

Thank you again... peace to all.

Deb

[mfh]

Yes, Deb, he is in the very air you breathe and that is a good thing but painful. I am so sorry for your loss. I know it is all pervading...a long journey that is so difficult. Bill and I actually each had a motorcycle...Hondas. We sold them a long time ago when we had a close encounter with a deer....all of us were fine thanks to Bill's handling. I was on his bike at the time. They are a great way to see the country side and that bike is YOURS. Like Bill's complete wood working shop and tools, the bike may sit in your garage for a long long time. It is your choice. I have not touched much of Bill's tools, clothes, books, poetry etc. I will in MY time...no one else's. You will get a lot of support and input here as we are all in the same boat. Peace, Mary

PS, that dog is pretty cute. I have a Golden....great healers.

[melina]

Deb,

Keep the Harley for now and tell everyone to stop asking about it. I've found you have to be direct and put your foot down - at least once - instead of having to deal with the same questions over and over. That only causes unnecessary pain.

Keep the Harley and if you need the money at some point - sell it to someone you know will care for it.

My two cents...

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Deb, Melina's two cents was perfect and straight to the point..... It is no one's business but yours what you do with the "Harley", or anything else. You are not crazy, and yes grieving sucks! Sorry that you have to be a partner on this journey with us, but we are here for you whenever you need to rant, rave, or whatever. Love the dog also, I have two little Corgi girls that I absolutely adore. Pic. attached.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[HoneyImHome11]

The Harley is just the tip of the iceburg...

My husband's hands are all over this house, between remodeling and trying to bring life and grace into our space I can't move without feeling him around me. The bike is only a part of my "woes" so to speak. It's only the part the "outsiders" see monetary value in. Well... I shouldn't say that really, they (family) are all speculating how long I will make it in "our" home before I "need to sell".

Greedy bast**ds... sorry... going from crying to anger in a split second isn't pretty is it? Although I am beneficiary it doesn't stop the hard feelings coming out now from everyone, loved me when my husband was here but not so much now, huh? 14 years together, 9 years married... I think we knew each other well enough, lots of history that's not appropriate here.

So when your dreams include two people and end up broken and shattered around you just how does one start to rebuild them when everyone around you is hostile or judging or waiting for you to fail? I had a better handle on my life when I was younger and I went through a divorce and raising a daughter on my own, I had more energy and was driven. This loss is completely different. It absolutely has taken my breath away. This loss is at a time in my life when I could retire in 9 more years. That is until the melanoma hit last year and changed everything... and death ended our dreams together and has certainly shattered my life.

Buy then many people have stories, don't they? And sickness happens to much younger than my husband I know, but it doesn't help me get through this alone. It doesn't help the hurt any less. The only thread I keep hanging onto is the fact that my husband was such a fighter. He never felt sorry for himself no matter what he faced during the year of his battle. Now who am I to sit here and feel sorry for myself? As the tears are rolling down my cheek, I hear his voice remind me that his battle is over. That I don't have to fight so hard anymore, that he is free.

But I miss him.

Deb

May 27th, 2011

[Deb625]

The reality is you need to do what you need to do. When the "right" time comes to sell his Harley or there is someone special that should have it - it will simply be the right. If it sits in the garage for 5 or 10 years and when you look it and get a sense of love you shared, well than that is good too... I'm sure their "intentions" are good in their own way and they don't mean to cause you further pain. You will never make everyone happy, a sad, simple fact with death.

[ksbeachbum]

Deb:

I am so sorry for your loss and I feel your pain. I was just thinking the same thing about how my life has been shattered. I too was divorced with a 2 year old at the time and raised him by himself until age 8 when I met the love of my life. I know how to be independent and do things by myself. Been there, done it and too tired to do it again and not wanting to do it again. Divorce was different and easier, maybe because I was younger, maybe because I had to take care of my young son and it gave me a reason to get up and get going, now I have no reason that really matters to me. Hoping that will change. My husband would probably not like seeing me like this, he was a rebel and a fighter and always went against the grain. That is what I loved about him and why he were so good together. I am the opposite.

Sorry for my rambling, just wanted you to know you that you are a great writer because I can certainly empathize with all your posts.

Lonely and tired

Becky