Need To Find A Way To Keep Going

[Babypod]

I was driving to the store yesterday when a popular song came on the radio, the first line is something like "Welcome to the planet, welcome to existence" and the only thought that came into my head is that Grandma doesn't exist anymore. That beautiful, amazing person is gone. The thought is just too much to bear at the moment.

I am so trying to move on. Grandma spent her entire life trying to make sure that those she loved were happy. She went without so much for all of us. I know it would be a sin to not be happy - it would be like spitting in her face - it would make all the deprivation she experienced be in vein - but it hurts so bad I can't even breath.

So here we are - another month - July - and Grandma will never see July 2011. Her three month anniversary is coming up soon, along with the 50 year anniversary of the death of my Aunt Mary. I am trying to tell myself that she is with Aunt Mary now. I know she is in the ground right next to her. she had such strong faith - so I know if there is a heaven then she is there. I am trying to remember all those little signs she gave me right after she died - trying to tell myself that she is out there - somewhere - she isn't gone forever - but it is just so hard.

Miss you Grandma - every day. I haven't had a day where I haven't shed a tear for her. Just miss her so much.

[Guest Nicholas]

It is an awful struggle, isn't it? Just after the six-month anniversary of losing my son, today is the three-year anniversary of my nephew losing his father. And today I met a friend of mine who was in the same hospital as my son, though after he had already passed away. She was going in for a (simple) hysterectomy and when she told me which hospital, my heart sank. Four or five months later, she is just able to walk without a stick, they damaged (split) her bowel, almost killed her and now she needs a cholostomy bag and another operation. She will be suing the hospital, though I decided against that course of action. The British NHS is an utter disgrace.

Nicholas

[drock]

Yea, some days are so much worse then others. I'll have a good day or even two and then bam! It's one of the worse days I've had so far. I know we all have to go through it but it's hard to take sometimes!

[Ron B.]

Babypod,

My own grandmother passed away in 2002. At the time I did not actively deal with the grief of losing her. Then, just this last year, I inherited all of my grandmother's photo albums. So I got together with an old relative, who identified almost everybody in the photos. I then scanned selected photos, put in captions, and burned it all to a CD. At a family reunion in May of this year, I distributed the CD to about 50 other extended family members.

I mention this photo project, because it helped me understand and appreciate my grandmother's life. Sifting through the many photos and documents was like walking in her shoes so many decades ago. My grandmother's legacy is close to me now. My mind is at ease. I've given my grandmother the respect she deserved.

I am not recommending that you or anybody else here immediately dive into family photo collections. The emotions of grief are still too raw. But sometime, when the feeling is right, perhaps years from now, you will find legacy that matters to you.

Legacy doesn't have to consist of physical things. Legacy is also about how we remember someone. In a literal sense, we are our grandparents' legacy.

For now just let the grief pass through you. There will be plenty of time to gather your thoughts and feelings. Just know that your grandmother, like mine, will be a continuing source of strength and good character in your life.

Ron B.

[BellaRosa]

Grandma doesn't exist anymore.

This is the thought that bothers me the most about my mom: she doesn't EXIST anymore. She was cremated and I can't stop thinking about the fact that she's not here at all -- she's a pile of ashes in an urn in the living room. When she first passed and my dad and I were doing all the necessary paperwork, it was disturbing to me how easily it is to erase someone from existence.

Erin

[Babypod]

Ron - since I knew I was going to be moving away I went to her home and took copies of all of her photo albums. I made copies of all the photos and made sure all the children and Grandchildren had their copy. I don't have the actual photos - I won't ever get them since I am "just a grandchild" - but at least I made sure everyone had copies. I know that would have been important to her - those photos meant a lot to her. It hurt to go through them - but I think it is because it is so close to her death - but I knew if I didn't do it now I would never get the chance. It is nice to see her 20 something - smiling at the camera.

Erin - It is so hard. After she died I went to her home and found her hairbrush and picked out every piece of hair in it - and I have it in my jewelry box. That is all I have left of her physically - her beautiful silver hair. I know some people and faiths see it differently - but it just hurts so much to not have her here on the planet. I hope and pray there is some for of a heaven and that she is there right now - as with your mom.

[eren]

Babypod, Erin

I have put my mother's brush away. It is the only physical piece I have left of her. The ashes were scattered on a beach that she loved. That was hard to do but I have been trying to do what she wanted me to do. I go back there when I need to be near her.

Physically my mom has gone but there is so much of her in me and she will always be a part of my life. I hear her all the time in my head especially when I do something stupid. She could be really vocal in her opinions.

[BellaRosa]

My dad put my mom's brush and comb into a Ziploc bag and have kept them as they were, with a few strands of hair. I'm glad to have those few physical reminders of her.

[Babypod]

I am glad I am not the only one who did that with the hair. The day I did it my mom and Aunt were at her home and they thought I was nuts - sitting on the floor picking up every piece of hair! I miss her so much.

[drock]

I haven't told anybody but I took some of the hairs from my mothers comb and put them in an envelope. It's kind of ironic. A few weeks before she passed her friend came over and cut her hair. There was a big chuck of hair on her shirt that I discovered later. When I went to throw it away my mother said joking around "don't you want to keep something that is part of your mother for when I'm gone?" I laughed and chucked it. I now wished I had kept it because it was a nice even chuck of hair instead of a ball of strands. It's ok though at least it's my mom's hair. Some may think this is strange but I don't really care what others think. This is for me!!!

So no you are definitely not strange! Or maybe we all are but who cares!