I Feel At This Point It Is All About Me

[dave s]

I SURVIVED LAST WEEKS BDAY, WITH TEARS BUT NOT AS MANY AS I PROJECTED...I WORKED THE NEXT DAY, THEN DECIDED THAT i HAD TO TAKE OFF SATURDAY, AS IT WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY AND I WAS COMPLETELY WORN TO A FRAZZLE....I BOUGHT MIKE HIS FAVORITE YELLOW ROSES AND A RED BALLOON...3 WEEKS BEFORE HE DIED IWAS OUTSIDE TAKING CARE OF THE YARD HE CAME TO THE DOOR AND ASKED THAT I WATCH A MOVIE WITH HIM, AT 1ST I STATED I WILL BE IN A WHILE, THEN THOUGHT NO I NEED TO BE WITH HIM, FORGET THE YARD. tHE MOVIE WAS P.S. I LOVE YOU, I ONLY REMEmBER SEEING PART OF IT AS THE TEARS WERE BLINDING ME, SO SAT I BOUGHT THE MOVIE AND ATTEMPTED TO WATCH BUT THE DVD PLAYER WOULDNT WORK....WAS WORKING BEFORE, SOME MORE OF MIKES HANDY WORK???? YESTERDAY A GOOD FRIEND CAME BY AND FIXED THE PLAYER, WE BOTH WATCHED IT AND CRIED AND CRIED........

I HAVE A WONDERFULL CARING FAMILY BUT MY MOM, DOESNT KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR ME AND STATES SOME REALLY STUPID THINGS,HER COMMENT THE OTHER DAY WAS " WELL I GUESS THAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU AND NO ONE ELSE" I STOPPED FOR A SEC AND REPLIED..." THIS IS NOT ABOUT MIKE, THIS IS NOT ABOUT MY AND MIKES FAMILY OR THEIR FEELINGS,OR OUR FRIENDS I AM CONSUMED WITH THE LOSS OF OUR HOPES DREAMS AND PLANS, YOU DONT COME HOME TO AN EMPTY HOME THAT IS FILLED WITH MIKE..

YES THIS IS TOTALLY ABOUT ME...WHO AM I GOING TO BECOME AFTER THIS EXPERIENCE?

HAVE DECIDED THAT THE BEST WAY TO HONOR THE LOVE I HAVE FOR MIKE IS TO CONTINUE WITH THE PLANS AND DREAMS WE HAD, MIKE ALWAYS WANTED ME TO QUIT BEING A NURSE, HE SAW THE EXHAUSTION AND DISGUST I HAD ON MY FACE, MOST DAYS WHEN I CAME HOME...AND ASKED THAT I QUIT NURSING 2 DAYS BEFORE HE DIED..WE HAD BOTH SPOKE WITH EXCITEMENT OF LEAVING AZ, AND ESCAPE TO SOMEWHERE GREEN...SO AT THIS STAGE OF THE GAME, I FEEL THAT YES MOM, IT IS ALL ABOUT ME...AND FEEL THAT IS APPROPRIATE FOR ME TO BE MAKING PLANS TO ACCOMPLISH THIS, NO I KNOW I SHOULDNT MAKE ANY RASH DECISIONS FOR AWHILE BUT I FEEL THAT IT IS RIGHT TO BE FIGURING WHAT I NEED TO DO NEXT TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF...AND TO LIVE MY LIFE AND TO CELEBRATE THE LOVE I STILL AND ALWAYS WILL HAVE FOR MIKE! ANYHOW TEAM TODAY IS 8 WEEKS SINCE I LOST HIM... AM I THINKING CLEARLY? FIGURE THAT I AM NOT, JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO I AM...

MIKES ILLNESS CONSUMED HIM IN 6 WEEKS FROM DIAGNOSIS, WE HAD NO TIME TO DO A BUCKET LIST...SO THINK I WILL HAVE TO DO IT FOR HIM, HE WANTED TO LEARN HOW TO FLY FISH, WANTED TO GO TO HIS ANCESTRAL HOME IN ITALY AND GREECE, AND WANTED TO GO HOME TO ORANGE COUNTY, CA....THAT WAS IT...SEEMS LIKE A SMALL LIST AND WILL PROBABLY BE HEALTHY FOR ME TO DO!

MIKES FAMILY WANTS ME TO START DATING AGAIN, THIER STATEMENT IS THAT IS THE BEST WAY TO HONOR HIM, FIND LOVE AGAIN.I SEE THier WISDOM AND APPRECIATE THEIR LOVE AND CONCERN FOR ME BUT KNOW THAT THAT PROCESS WILL TAKE SOME TIME

WELL TEAM SHOULD BE GETTING BACK TO WORK HERE AM NOT SURE HOW I DEAL WITH OTHERS PROBLEMS IN LIFE WHILE ATTENDING TO MY OWN, IT IS ALL I CAN DO MOST DAYS TO STAY THE SHIFT!

EVERYONE TAKE CARE AND HAVE A SAFE 4TH! DAVE

[mfh]

Hi Dave,

You made it through a tough week and you are only 8 weeks out. I think you are doing GREAT. It IS all about you...your life...your grief...your pain...your healing...your figuring out a new normal...all of it. It also feels like you are rushing things even though you know you can't. You are raw. You are fragile. You will know what you want and need in time. Personally I think the best way to honor Mike is to be yourself. That is who he loved. Being myself, since Bill died, means figuring out what I NOW want with him gone not necessarily what we would have done together. It means listening to my own voice in these new circumstances and being the best me I can be. He and I planned to travel to certain places in Europe but I have no desire to go there without him. It was OUR dream and plan and now I have to figure out MY dream and plan and that may be and probably will be very different because without him at my side...well..it is all changed as you know. So here I am 15 months into this journey and I still have no clue what my new life will be like. I want my new life to reflect compassion and kindness, people and nature. That is as far as I am. I get through the days, I dabble in things and then frequently lose interest as I try to figure it all out but I am on a grief healing journey first and foremost...trying to grieve, get my body back, feel strong physically and hopefully emotionally again. The rest...who knows.

I just read your post and just felt pressure to figure it all out pretty fast and with people putting pressure on you. Your mom is right...it IS all about you. But it appears she has no clue what to say or do. Not uncommon. Those who want you to date..well, that is what THEY want for you.

Take a breath...listen to YOUR voice. It will guide you. Sorry if I sound too instructional but you asked the team to share so I did I wish you peace....a moment each day. Mary

[dave s]

THANKS MARY FOR THE REPLY! AND YOUR RIGHT ABOUT LISTENING TO MY HEART AS I FEEL THAT MIKE IS IN THERE helping to guide ME,

BEEN A HORRIBLE DAY AT WORK SOO MUCH HOSPITAL DRAMA AND HUMAN SUFFERING!!! IT IS HARD TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF IN A CAREER THAT DEAMNDS SO MUCH ENERGY FROM ME DEALING WITH OTHERS! NEED A VACATION, ALTHOUGH FEAR THAT WONT BE GOOD ENOUGH TO REVIVE ME......I THINK I AM GOING TO TRY TO TAKE OFF THE MONTH OF AUGUST AND GO SEE MY NEPHEW/NEICE 5 AND 2 IN COLORADO, SHOULD BE GOOD THERAPHY! AND THEN I THINK I NEED TO GO HOME TO WYOMING FOR AWHILE, WILL KEEP YOU POSTED! THKS! DAVE

[marsha]

Dave - I read this and really felt compelled to add my thoughts. It IS all about you. Does that sound selfish? Yes, it is. And yes, it is totally, 100% necessary for your own well being, physically and emotionally. The first year, for me, was all about survival. And when it comes down to it, as much as family and friends care, we have to tend to ourselves, because we're the only ones who can do it. Thus, the survival thing. Take care, Dave - Marsha

[Dwaynecg]

Dave, I know what you are going through. I am only at 4 months and this grief has really affected my health. I have plans on what I want to do going forward. Now I have to get my health in order first. It takes a toll on you. You do what is best for Dave. Not what other family members wants, you to do. Take care of yourself and let time heal your broken heart. You will know when and what you want to do in your life. Mary said it best. Your voice inside you will tell you and guide your path through this grief, trust it.

Dwayne

[kayc]

Wow, your mom really doesn't know what to say, does she?! You're right though, it IS about us now...they are at peace and it's us that are left figuring out how to deal with this and go on. Some of those who have said the dumbest things may find themselves facing this someday but until then they really won't have a clue.

[sunstreet]

Dear Dave,

I want to add my voice of support to the others. You have made it through a very diffiuclt week and your loss is still so new and so raw. I want to encourage you that I believe you are doing so great. I just felt I need to say it is ok to take your time as grieving is such exhasuting work and healing take a lot of time and energy.

This journey is all about you and I don't think it selfish at all. Listen to your heart and your soul, for they know you best, the answers---the wisdom are all there for you. Breathe, slow breaths and just know that love is the loudest of all and it will and can shield you from those who offer help with something they know nothing about. Building your life anew takes time but you have the love you and Mike shared as the foundation.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Chrissie]

Dave,

It is all about YOU!! It took me a long time to learn that and not feel like I was being selfish. Unless someone has been through this they have NO idea how it feels. Your whole world has been turned upside down and you have to figure out how to upright it again. So take care of yourself, eat, sleep when you can and take things one day at a time.

Chris

[Deb625]

Hi Dave, I'm so sorry for your loss. There isn't a band-aid in the world that will make the devastating pain go away, but know you will come through this. I know I've been blessed with friends and family that have listened and let me "grieve". I know some of them are probably tired - a year in, however, they have understood and continue to empathized. My Michael died at the age of 45 on May 17, 2010, just not right, just not fair. The hardest part has been trying to figure out who "I am" now. The "we" is just "me" and my whole future changed... It really is all about you and how you figure out where you go from here. It hurts. People who have lost a loved one can empathize, but unless they have lost a spouse (or partner) it is difficult for them to understand -that you have lost your "everyday". Take time, let yourself grieve. You have just lost a big peice of yourself. In the first 3 months of losing Michael I was in a fog, it takes a lot of "baby steps",just keeping it together. Try not to take too much to heart of what people tell you that haven't been here... Know they are trying as best they can and that they just hate seeing you hurt - they just want to give you a band-aid and make it all better and unfortunately this is a hurt they can't just "fix". Only time will heal and this is a journey of a lot of "baby steps". Be gentle with yourself, try to eat, drink lots of water, sleep when you can and keep just placing one foot in front of the other - you will come through this and you are not alone...

[azbrian]

Hi Dave,

It is all about you.

That also does not mean that someone is turning into a selfish person. It means you are doing what you feel you need to do for your self.

Period.

Wow, there are a lot of posts since I was in here last. I am going to try and read them. I probably will not be able to reply a lot of them so I will just say I hope everyone in here is doing well.