Alone And Miseralbe

[Barb]

I was married for 33 years. My husband died on Nov 11,2004. The cause of death was smoke inhalation. Our house burned. I was not there to help him. The paramedics and firefighters tried to resuscitate and did get him breathing, but in the hospital he never regained consciousness. My 2 sons and I made the decision to remove the life support after the doctor said there was no brain activity.

I thought I would be better by now. I am not. I don't cry at the drop of a hat, but too may times.

The aloneness is palpable. It doesn't matter if family is near or friends. I am always alone. My husband is gone. I lost the one person who was always on my side. He had my best interests at heart. We felt we were in this life together and as long as we had each other, we could make it. Now he is gone and I just don't care anymore. I try to put on a front, but it is so hard.

What happens now? Life is just too much trouble.

[Rep1Right]

Barb,

I know what you are feeling...I lost my husband, Rick, 51 years old, to lung cancer on May 29th. I don't care about life any more. I go through the motions every day...as if I am trying to get it over with...

Rick was everything to me ... my best friend, soul mate, lover, confidante, and we never let a day go by without telling one another "I love you"! His illness took him in 6 months practically from the day of diagnosis. He suffered so and he did not want to die! The worst part was he developed 22 brain tumors at the end. The doctors insisted he needed Whole Brain Radiation...they gave him a stroke....his brain was scrambled...he was unable to talk to me for the last week and a half! Now...i just live breathe from moment to moment. I don't care what happens to me. I don't find enjoyment in anything any more. I miss all the little things we did together...i miss laying next to me....I miss his touch, his kiss, his unending support. I have had my life...now it's counting days until i can go home, too!

[kayc]

I think all of us on this site feel this way. My husband was everything to me too, but we only knew each other 6 1/2 years and were married 3 years and 8 months. We were so much in love with each other, we were best friends...our wedding rings have eternity symbols on them and are inscribed with "Soul mates, through all time". We did everything together, he called me every lunch break. We had a marriage most people only dream of. And I lost him...he just turned 51 years old 6/14 and on 6/19, Father's Day, he had a heart attack and died. I never got to say good bye, we never got to talk about it. I am trying very hard to do all of the right things, I eat right, walk every day, drink lots of water, talk to people, write out my feelings...but ultimately I end up crying myself to sleep because I miss him so bad. I keep really busy and I put off bedtime so I don't have to deal with it, but it's still there. My faith in God is all that saves me...that and finding comfort in our home, we always loved it here, and it's here that I most sense his presence. I recently lamented to a friend that I couldn't do 40 more years without George, and he said, "don't do 40 years without him, do one day at a time without George!" That helped me...I am trying really hard not to thinkof tomorrow or how I'll get through our anniversary next month or Christmas or Valentine's Day or the whole month of June. I'm just trying to get through "now". This site has helped me a lot, I feel like Ustwo, WaltC, and Spela and I have been through this journey together, and I know there've been a lot of others even though they may not have posted. Thank you, all you guys, for being there, you've been a lifesaver to me.

KayC

[ustwo]

I am so sorry that "we" are finding ourselves at this site. I am so very grateful for all the sharing that we find here...sharing has saved my sanity. We all share the deep hole left in our hearts. The ups and downs of day to day are so draining. I did not think I would survive Thursday...Gene's birthday....the first that we are not in each others arms. Again it was not through will that the day passed....it just did. Happiness does not reside in this house but I do feel surrounded by Gene's love....I can feel it wrapped around me. Nothing else matters except that feeling.

I do not know if better is something I'll ever get to. I do not even know what better is. I could not have endured the past 3 months without the support I have found here, the wonderful people, all of us in pain...our worlds are empty. I am grateful for the support and hope in some way at some time I've been able to give back the support. All any of us can do is take "today" as it comes and we have more days of tears and heartache that never goes away.

KayC...for the first time I've been able to reach deep beyond the pain to get to the good memories.

Barb- cry, yell, scream, vent...whatever you need to do we are here and we do not go through this alone at this site. Bad days, worse days, empty days, we all understand each others pain. And each day is different..some harder..some easier.

I miss you Gene!

Always Gene!

Always!

[kayc]

Ustwo,

You sound good and I am so glad for that. I know that "good" is a misnomer because we do okay and then get hit again...and we should expect that. I have finally reached a place of acceptance...I didn't ask for this and do not wish for it, I would gladly have George back in a second if that was my choice...but it's not my choice. I have to accept that whatever God does allow, He alone knows His reasons, and I do know God well enough to know that He loves me and has something good for me...even if it doesn't look good or feel good. There are those that could not understand that, but I know it to be true. His "good" might be building something deep within me that is only formed through hard places, pain, suffering...I know that there are those who could not understand that eithe, but again, I know that it is true. I am ready for whatever He wants to do in me. I miss George, I cry at night, I have bittersweet emotions, and I know there will be rough days ahead. But I will turn to God in them and I will cry it out. And I will try to channel my energies into doing something positive, something good. My life has changed. I have to learn to live with being alone, I still don't like the word "single", so I use the word "alone" instead. I didn't change my marital status, and even though I am legally considered single, I still feel very married in my heart and soul. We had something too special to sever. But I am trying very hard to adjust and learn and grow through this. It takes a lot of work and it takes a long time. My heart goes out to those who are experiencing losses because I know it to be the hardest thing in the world. And I am grateful beyond words for each of you here. Whether you just lost somebody or you have been going through this for some time, it is hard and your pain is real and my heart is with you. God be close to each of you as you find your way through this. I pray for you.

[WaltC]

.....I thought I would be better by now.  I am not.  I don't cry at the drop of a hat, but too may times. 

The aloneness is palpable.  It doesn't matter if family is near or friends.  I am always alone.  My husband is gone.  I lost the one person who was always on my side.  He had my best interests at heart.  We felt we were in this life together and as long as we had each other, we could make it. Now he is gone and I just don't care anymore.  I try to put on a front, but it is so hard. 

What happens now?  Life is just too much trouble.

Barb

Hang on - it's a tough road that we are on together with some very rough spots.

There are others here who have survived, but there will be regressions.

I wrote this back in June and now 3 months later I still feel the same.

[Our 41st wedding anniversary will be on Monday. I don't know how I will get past that day.]

I was climbing out of a pit of grief and almost reached the top

I remembered her face and beautiful voice and started to drop and drop

These days are lonely without my wife

I often wonder if there’s any purpose to life

I really have no will to live

I just have no more tears to give

This work of grief is too darn hard

I don’t know why her life was marred

She never complained through all her pain

Yet I’m the one who does remain.

It’s just not fair, it’s just not right

Soon I will give up this fight.

I only wish that I could answer your question What happens now?

But I do hope that others here can help you with some suggestions.

[ustwo]

WaltC, You and Jeannie will be in my thoughts near my heart on Monday. I hope along with the grief, the tears, you have moments of special wonderful memories. The good memories of his smiles is all that got me through on Thursday. It will always be lonely without our loves. LOVE IS FOREVER.

I will be thinking of you and Jean.

Always Gene!

Always!

[trisha]

Walt

I feel so bad for you. I know how hard it is going to be. Steve's 60th birthday would have been this coming Thursday. The boys and I had planned a small surpise party for him. I always had hope that we make just that next milestone. We made our 40th annniversary on June 4th and I was so greatful for that. We had no big celebration, our celebration was the joy of being together on that day. Now we all must hold those dear memories and good times close to our hearts. Life for us, survivors, seems pretty empty and grim. I hope that one day we will see through this heartache and remember all the good times with great joy. I will be thinking of you today. God bless you and help you through this day.

[WaltC]

Steve's 60th birthday would have been this coming Thursday.  The boys and I had planned a small surpise party for him.  I always had hope that we make just that next milestone.  We made our 40th annniversary on June 4th and I was so greatful for that.  We had no big celebration, our celebration was the joy of being together on that day.

trisha - thank you so much for your concern.

Yesterday, for no good reason was very tough.

I felt like the heading for this post:

Alone and Miserable

I do hope that you have a day of happy memories on Thursday, but I know it will be hard for you and your children. I wish you well, and thanks again for your kind comments - they are appreciated.

[kayc]

Trisha,

I posted a reply to this yesterday but it's not showing up for some reason...I wanted to let you know we will be thinking of you and praying for you on Thursday