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Struggling Without A Constant Male Figure


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I'm struggling so much lately without the constant male figure that was my Dad. There just isn't anyone in the world to protect me,mind me....yeah I know I'm a grown adult but I feel like such a little child at times. I feel so far down the list of everyones priorities,that's just life eh but doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I just miss my Dad so so much,I miss him protecting me,being there for me ABSOLUTELY ANYTIME at all. I have good friends but lately am feeling a little tossed aside in favour of boyfriends, im just so alone no matter what and I HATE IT.

I need my Dads advice,I need his help,his words of comfort.

Ugh the tears won't stop right now,am just engulfed in loneliness wishing I was with my Dad.

Sorry to all the newcomers to this site too,I've been out of words lately so havent been posting but just reading every single day.

I just wish I could fast forward this life clock!

:-(

Niamh

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Hello Niamh!

Long time no see!..I am in the same boat as you, I have no words to express how I feel lately. But it is ok.

All I wanted to say was, I understand what you mean by having your dad's support, I miss that too about my father.

When those incredible unexpected waves of grief come, I cry because Dad is not here to hug him, or to listen to him laugh, or to seek advice. I have cried out to God as to why did he have to go at this point in my life and in his.

In the middle of my tears, the Lord reminds me my father is ok, in good care, that he is not gone, we are just separated by death, but that we will reunite, in due time. There are situations in my life that I must face by myself. The walk with my father has stopped, for now. I must continue my walk in life by myself, for now.

It is beautiful to be reminded this is temporary. This body is temporary, this life is short (even though it seems i have 30+ yrs ahead of me without dad). Every morning I wake up and make the conscious effort to enjoy this day, even though i deeply miss my father, I will try to keep going.

I am not sure when will I be able to remember my father without crying, but I am not rushing the process. In looking back, it wasn't long ago when I was 10yrs old and my father held my hand. It won't be long until I reach 70 (or more) and realize I am steps away from physical death.

I know the journey is not easy. We all struggle, but I also look at our previous generations, and they too lost loved ones, they too grieved, yet they kept going, and tried to live.

And now, as I watch the sunset, I realize I carry my father's legacy. He is not here physically but he led by example. He isn't here, but he really is.

Hang in there, as we go through this process we will find more things about ourselves we didn't know we had. Maybe that is part of grieving.

xoxoxoxo

-L

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hi Daugher2010,

It's good to hear from you, thanks so much for your reply. I think I seem to have a huge fear of any male friendships at the moment, I've lost one friend already who I thought would be one person who would understand after losing his Mom but I guess he couldn't handle my grief because he has not dealt with his own. Yet some part of me deep down blames me and my insecurity at times.

I've reconnected with an old male friend a couple of months back from about 7 years ago and I've been honest with him and he's been very understanding and compassionate. But I feel like I expect & want so much more attention from him, I crave it but yet it's not his "role" or "job" to be there for me like my Dad was, he has his own life, I'm not number 1 for him or any others males on this earth. So then I fear again that my insecurity will end up losing him too. I just feel so clingy and needy for attention but I try to hide it because of my fear of putting pressure on people and them getting "sick of it" and me wanting a mile if someone gives an inch.

The irony of it all is that my Dad would be able to guide me through this perfectly, keep me sane and all that !

You are SO right that it won't really be long until we are steps away from death ourselves. I try to remind myself of this often, that this life is temporary, I'm not stuck here forever and that I will/hope to be with my Dad again and have real true fun times back wherever thay may be. Sometimes life does feel very short (as silly as it sounds I count years at times and think ok not much left!!) but other times it just feels so so long. Only the other day I had to think about whether or not I already had a winter without (which I have) but for a while I thought I didn't yet, time goes so out of whack sometimes !

Yep, definitely finding out new things about new me and sometimes it's hard to deal with. I was never this needy and insecure before. I am at least glad that I am understanding of the reasons why I'm like this now, I just wish so much at times that I was old Niamh and none of this kind of thing would even enter my head. Not easy being turned inside out and upside down! But as you say it's part of grief, part of the consequences of losing such a great Dad, and the truth is I wouldn't change what I had with my Dad for the world.

((hugs)) and love to you L, and thanks for your never ending kindness.

Niamh

xoxox

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Hi,Niamh.Havnt talked in a while...I'm out of words too,but wanted to tell you guys that I'm still reading,and I'm still struggling too.I feel EXACTLY the way you two are.(and so many others)I'm sorry for all the pain.I wonder when it starts to fade?I miss him so so much.Everyday I cry for him.Not talking to my brother right now.I'm just so lost,lonely and sad.still.always.send me a message sometime,Niamh.I miss you...xoxoxo

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Niamh,

Hugs. Totally understand what you are saying and I wish I could offer more.

I know what I do is I still talk to Grandma - about everything. My kids and husband think I am crazy for doing it - but it makes me feel better. I sing the little songs she would sing while doing house work. I wear her aprons while I cook (OK - her aprons are in a box that no one can touch - I found ones that were like hers and I wear those!). For me it has helped to keep her in my life - because I do need her. That probably sounds crazy.

Angel

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Good to hear from you, Niamh! I too have been reading but not posting too much lately. I know what you mean about struggling with not having that person who thought of you as number one. My mom was that way, and I miss not being able to just complain and talk to her and have her agree with me! Like you said about your dad, my mom is the one person who would have been able to help me deal with this. Ironic, isn't it?

I still can't talk about her really without crying. It depends on the day. It seemed like I was having a good couple of weeks, but the past two days have just been awful again. It's like my brain and heart know when an anniversary is coming up, even if I'm not consciously aware of it. I don't count the days anymore, but whenever the 11th or the 17th come around, I find myself more depressed and fragile than other days.

I really want to believe that she is still here with me in a different way, and that I will see her again one day, but sometimes it is so, so hard.

Erin

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Niamh sorry I haven't been able to read any posts even though I posted my own, but I read this now and I just want to say I feel totally the same way, like I'm not number one for anyone anymore I do the same thing with a guy crave attention want him to ask how was your day want him to do things for me take me out like my dad did but the realisation hits like you said its not their place that was our dads and theyre not here anymore so nobody will be here to do that for us. I feel so left out at home Im lucky I still have my mum but she has a special relationship with my brothers and it was always my dad who stuck up for me and shouted at my brother now I feel so alone. I also always think/say what you guys are saying, can't wait to die and just be with him wanna skip my life because I dont wanna do anything else without him just wanna fastforward want it to go so quick however recently I have been having doubts what if there is nothing afterwards what if that means I wont see him again> But I just try not to think about it at all. Anyway like someone said to me what you're feeling is temporary like I know sometimes I feel an overwhelming sense of loss or when I felt sad about being left out I felt it it was so intense but then it passed, the feeling/mood was bad but eventually it passed, all these states are temporary we feel them but the next day we can snap out of it and although I hate admitting it it means that we can cope (even though we shouldnt have to) but yeah just to let you know like everyone else has you're not alone! x

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thanks for replying Loulou, was so nice to read your post and as always I'm so sorry for your pain too. sent you a PM hun. xox

Angel, thank you too for your kind words. You are definitely not crazy talking to your Grandma and it's nice that you do the little things she did. I've realised nothing at all is crazy when it comes to grief. I find that aswell, I try to do things the way my Dad would, do the things he did especially with my Mom and for my Mom, it makes me feel a little proud but of course then makes me wish my Dad was here to see it and tell me.

Erin, thank you too, yep I read every day and times when I want to write/reply and I just can't seem to find words.

When i would complain to my Dad, everything would be just as important to him as it was to me, like his world stopped until I was ok again but nobody else will stop their world for me, sounds like your Mom was same too !

I still don't talk about my Dad, memories etc not even with my Mom, it's too painful and she is the same. She'll mention the odd comment here and there about Dad but no sitting chatting about holidays, events, etc.

Yep i think our minds and hearts are only too aware of dates even if they are not at the forefront of our minds. Sometimes I feel truly crazy around those dates like my brain is just going to snap in 2, definitely more fragile than other days as you say. And coming here knowing everyone here gets it so much really helps to confirm that it's ok, nothing crazy about any of it. ((hugs)) to you, I know the 17th just passed, UGH. Now that it's over for me I'm onto the funeral days after it.

hi hello123,aw thanks for replying, no apologies needed at all. I'm sorry you feel left out at home. I know I'm lucky to have my Mom too but I so get that feeling of your Dad sticking up for you, there's just nothing at all like the father daughter relationship. Reminds me of a quote I got last year from a friend

"There is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express". I couldn't agree more.

((hugs)) to all of you and lots of thanks for always being there,

Niamh

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Niamh,

You are welcome!

If I had to say something positive about grief is that living it has allowed me to understand others, to be more compassionate and sensitive to their needs. I also learned that others don't react to grief the same way I do and I can't judge them for that.

Everyone reacts to it in a different way. That probably explains your male friend's reaction to grief.

I know at times, insecurity can grab a hold of us but I am sure our dads are cheering for us from above, so we can finish the race of life once we fulfill our purpose on earth.

Big hug for you and everyone here. I can comfortably come in here to express my emotions, thoughts, etc and I know I will be understood.

Thanks,

-L

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Niamh,

Sorry I have not been here in quite awhile. Do not think I am doing better. I am not. I understand your longing for a male figure. That is normal.

We just have to try to know and remember that our lost parents are always with us. We also have to remind ourselves that they would NOT want us to be miserable in this life. Not at ALL! Try to think of your Dad at his best and what he would say to you. I never knew him, so I cannot say. Only you can. In my case, I know what my Mom and Dad would say. I try to think of the best sit-down, hanging out times we had; like friends you know? We had some rough times too, but I can honestly say we had more great ones. I know they would tell me things like, "we don't want you to be unhappy. This is what happens! EVERYBODY dies! This is the way it goes. Remember the great times and live the life you want to. I love you 'Daddy's boy' (that's what he called me a lot in front of my Mom in a loving way) and "Come on, it's okay. I love you too"(That was the last words we said to each other). "Mama and Daddy are always here with you".

Hope this helps you a little. I know your wonderful Dad would NOT want you to be missing out on life because of him. Believe it or not, I can feel how our relationship with our parents continues after they have left this world. They are still here on a different plane. We just have to watch for signs and signals. I have been getting them a lot in the last year. I even had a dream about them the other night. It was so real I did not want to wake up from it. I will tell about that one another time.

Peace and hugs!

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