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Count Down To One Year.....


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This weekend coming up will be one year since Jeff died. I find myself thinking back to the days before he died.....trying to relive every moment.

The week before he died we traveled to NY to attend a beautiful garden wedding of some dear friends. We were still overwhelmed by the news that the tumor in Jeff's esophagus was gone, that his treatments had been so much more successful than anyone could imagine. Did I dare to hope for a lot more time? I always loved road trips just Jeff and I.....we would drive and talk for hours, holding hands, sneaking in a kiss everyone once in a while. Now, the suit that he wore to the wedding still hangs in a garment bag in the closet.....with the hopes that the smell of Jeff will linger on it forever.

About 5 days before Jeff died we learned that Jeff's neighbor of 20 years had passed away from brain cancer. Her husband, coming from a big Greek family was planning a very large gathering of all her friends and family on Sunday. Saturday came and I couldn't stop thinking, and Jeff noticed how quiet I was. We sat out on the front steps and he finally said - "Enough, out with it.....what is going on with you?" I took a deep breath and tried to stop the tears, but they came anyway. I could barely whisper what I was thinking - that we were going to comfort his neighbor whose wife had died. From cancer. How was I going to handle comforting a man who lost his wife to cancer, when my husband was still fighting terminal cancer?? Jeff let out a deep sigh and wrapped his arms tight around me.....he whispered in my ear that the difference between him and his neighbor? He was NOT going anywhere. 8 hours later Jeff went into cardiac arrest and died. We never made it to his neighbors house, and I never got to comfort the neighbor who had lost his wife.....because now I was left grieving myself.

I look back on the last year and I can honestly say that I don't remember too much of last summer. The numbness didn't start to wear off until probably October? I remember bits and pieces....sitting on the front steps with my neighbor at 6 in the morning shortly after Jeff died because I hadn't been able to sleep yet again. I don't remember anything we talked about, but I remember thinking that it was really hot for so early in the morning.

I've had some anxiety attacks in the last couple of weeks where I feel like I just can't catch my breath. I've heard it all, post traumatic stress, grief trauma....there seems to be a name for everything these days. When did it stop being a plain old broken heart?

I know I will get through this. I promised Jeff I would. Some days are easier than others, but I have all the memories of my dear sweet man to get me through this.

I was just thinking today......how can you assign a date to a persons death, when they live on in your heart forever?

Hugs,

Tammy

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Oh, dear Tammy, It IS "just" a broken heart...no matter what others call it. I am so sorry to hear that sad story...how shocking it all is. I can only imagine...I do understand the shock though mine was different. I understand reliving all of it. I have done it many times in the almost 16 months since Bill died. I know about road trips and long talks. My heart goes out to you on this anniversary. I understand not remembering much...I have to ask people if they were at Bill's funeral because it is all a blur. We have been traumatized by loss, and yet we know that our loved one will live on forever in so many ways. I wish I had a magic wand to take away your pain but the pain is as deep as your love for Jeff and as much as it hurts...it is a sign of your deep love. I wish you some moments of peace with happy joyful memories of him and of the relationship you shared so deeply. Mary

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Dear Tammy,

Ah woman, now you've gone and made me cry. You tell his with such wonderful and powerful language. And finally, I truly see the full and awful irony and agony of that day a year ago. You have put into words the full force of what you feel--and have made me fully feel it as well.

It reminds me so much of the last 72 hours of Jane's life. We were both so certain she had turned the corner--that she was coming home. And then suddenly, it was over. And all the hope drained away like water through a sieve. How quickly can we move from joy to sorrow--from anxiety over one thing to real and lasting grief from our own sudden tragedy.

But I weep for you tonight, my friend. I weep for you tonight--for your pain, for your loss, for the great joy so untimely ripped from your heart. Like Mary, I wrap my electronic arms around you in as comforting an embrace as I can manage. May the clear and beautiful moments of your life together be your anchor this week. And know we are here for you when you need us.

Peace,

Harry

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Tammy,

I feel for your broken heart. Pauline had suffered for years. She wanted to have the pain stop. No matter how strong I was and how hard I fought to keep her alive. God had other plans. The 3 weeks hospice I was so sure she would pull through like she had done may time before. I remember every moment of those last weeks of her life. I knew that morning when I woke at 4:00 AM this would be the day and it was.

Like you my broken heart, I would give anything to just have a little more time with her. 33 years were not enough. You told your story of your last days with your heart. I can see Jeff was a loving and caring husband to you.

I do not know where I will be at in my grief 1 year after Pauline's passing. I can only hope I have your strength to carry on as well as you have. God gave us a gift we never know how long that gift will last, some longer than others. When he calls for them back it breaks our hearts. I believe God has plans for you as well as me and everyone here on HOV.

I pray he give you peace and comfort your broken heart and calms your soul on this day and the days to come

God Bless

Dwayne

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Tammy,

My love and prayers are with you. It's hard to explain, but on Tim's year anniversary I felt this peace come over me. Maybe because I'd been through all the "firsts", who knows??? I took that day & used it to give back to the Hospice Care Facility that Tim was in his last few days. Maybe it was just denial, but I really thought Tim would come home, he just needed to get over the hurdle, like he did so many times before. It was really hard walking in there but I could just feel his love supporting me. I've come a long way since that year mark, but Tim was my soulmate and he will be in my heart forever and I will miss and love him always. May your day be blessed with beautiful memories & loving thoughts of Jeff.

Chris

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Tammy

My thoughts and prayers go out to you as you approach this anniversary of Jeff's death. Like Chris I also felt a peace come over me on the anniversary of Mike's death, January 13th. Can't explain it, and I had dreaded it so bad. Somehow I think he caused the peace. Today is the 1 and 1/2 year anniversary since Mike's death, and I still feel that peace. I still miss him terribly, that will never go away, but all the lovely memories are still there, and always will be. You will always have your wonderful memories of your life with Jeff, nothing can take that away. I will be praying for you this weekend.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Tammy

My heart goes out to you approaching a year without your partner. I can only imagine, at 3 months yesterday, the pain is still very real and at times unbearable. I guess we have to be blessed that we had them in our lives for as long as we did, even though we don't think it was long enough. You got to experience the true meaning of love with a partner that felt the same way about you, that is HUGE and not everyone on this earth gets to experience that. Hoping the memories will bring smiles to your day and that the day will be a gentle one for you.

Thinking of you

Becky

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Tammy,

Just checking in to see how you are doing? I thought I have been doing pretty good. Despite my health problem. I went to Raynham hospice last night, of course I got caught in that heavy down pour. It was me and a new family that had lost a very dear person. The wife lost her love of her live, the son his father, the daughter her father. It was such a sharp contrast to what I went through. He past from a heart attack very sudden with all his family by his side. At only 3 weeks I could feel their new pain. But what got to me the most is the support they are getting from family and friends. People bringing them so much food and cards, and just being threre for them. It is something I never got. Only Donna and Greg brought me food to eat. I could not hold back my tears. This has been the first meeting in the last few that it was so raw emotions for me. I helped when I could. I only hope that they come back again.

I hope and pray that you are doing better now and have found some peace in your live. You and you family is in my prayers.

God Bless

Dwayne

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