Broken Family Promises

[Maylissa]

I just spent the last 3 days waiting for yet another promised phone call, with its inherent promise of support, only to be bitterly disappointed yet again. I had one, lone cousin who had contacted me awhile after my Mother and brother died. She had promised at that time to call me again w/i a couple of weeks, to talk more. My main plea to her involved just having someone who had shared some of my past, in younger years, to share memories of my Mom and brother, since the 2 remaining members of my immediate family were a complete wash in that area. She promised to call. When weeks, then months, went by with still no call, I broke down and called her back. She apologized, we talked more, and she swore she'd then call within a few more weeks. It has now been about 8 months. I'd just received a 6-wk.belated birthday card from her in the mail, where she said she had some pictures she'd be sending of my Mom in younger years ( I'd asked if she or her mom had any they could copy for me ), AND that she had time off and would call on Sept. 16,17, or 18th. She also mentioned that she's hardly talking to her own mother anymore and she'd explain all that, too. Her mother is the aunt of mine who bombed out on me when my brother died after my Mom, and is one of my Mom's sisters. This cousin knew all about what had happened between us. So I had foolishly gotten my hopes up again, thinking NO ONE is that specific if they don't mean it, and figured I'd be hearing all about what took her so long to finally call me. WRONG AGAIN.

When Sunday night was almost over, I realized she had broken her promise again, for sure. My husband suggested I could always call HER again, and ask what happened. But I CAN'T! At this point, it would feel WAY too much like begging for crumbs of support that no one in this family is willing, by their own volition, to give me. THAT'S not support in its true sense - that's only a feeling of obligation, or being coerced, and not the same thing at all! Even if her plans had changed, one would think that out of common courtesty ( maybe not common at ALL anymore! ), she would have called just to let me know this plan would be delayed...especially since she's screwed up the exact same thing twice before! How do people sleep nights, acting like this to others?! I know I would never do something like that to anyone, especially if I'd actually promised, and most especially in writing! I'm left feeling like I really don't matter much, my grief doesn't matter much, my Mother's life didn't matter much. And how do I pull myself out of my ongoing depression, when situations just like this one only serve to reinforce those kinds of thoughts, the same ones that are bringing me such pain?

[JCL]

HI Maylissa,

I related to what you wrote. I have a cousin who was in touch with my mom, that has pretty much blown the rest of us off after my Mom's death. I e-mailed her a few times, without getting any response back from her. I told my aunt that I was confused by her lack of response and the next thing I knew I got a phone call from her claiming that she had lost my e-mail address-She had the two e-mails in her in box ! I gave her the benefit of the doubt though. I then said that we were all coming up to Northern Calif. to my mom's grave to see the new headstone and would she and my uncle like to get together with us for dinner while we were there. Oh no problem! A few days before we left I called her and left a message saying to call me back and confirm that we would meet. Absolutely no answer came to my phone call - not even a call after we left saying - I am sorry I missed you guys. Then her father's sister, my aunt had a tragedy in her family, so soon after my mom died. Her Son-in-Law died of an aneurism,. He was only 38. This same cousin told my aunt that she would be there for the funeral. She never showed and she was only less than a two hour drive away. I managed to take off of work and fly there.

Really, I think I can take a hint by now! How insensitive!

[Maylissa]

JCL,

Yes, one has to wonder if these people are treating everyone this way.I suppose it's not just reserved for we special few, but who knows? I KNOW my cousin is disorganized and usually very busy ( she has her own problems in her own family ), but what puzzles me is that she's also always been rather generous , more importantly, she was the one who initiated contact with me, not the other way around. Why would someone bother doing that, and keep doing that, if they had no intention of following through? The only answer I can come up with is that they have a problem with wanting to appear to be good people. And yet, I grew up with her around, and she really was a very nice person, so I really don't get it.

All I know is, 2 more days have now passed and I still haven't heard from her. I've allowed for the distinct possibility that she ended up getting called back into work ( that happens alot with her - she's generous and will take other's shifts for them ) and so couldn't phone. But I'd still think that one could then call and explain. Even if someone isn't the most empathetic person in the world, these kinds of behaviours are just plain RUDE, and who in their right mind would want to be viewed like that?!

I also got this same kind of run-around from a 'friend' of mine who I've known for over 30 years, and she's STILL playing these games with me. It's a harder decision for me to just end this with her though, because we have a supposedly impending book deal ( she's set the stage on her own so far ) that had been a dream of ours in the works, that I've already given my permission for the use of my part of the material, and don't want to get screwed financially should I just drop her, or tell her what I REALLY feel about her treatment of me. But it's the same garbage....promises, promises. They're all parasites, feeding off the goodwill of others, if you ask me, and I've gotten so sick and tired of it that I've now literally BECOME sick and tired! Is it just me, or do you too wonder at the inconceivable odds that none of these people have ever learned a valuable lesson about how to treat others in their whole lives? What really puzzles me the most, is that both my cousin and this friend each lost their fathers early in life.....so you'd think they'd KNOW how it is, what we need, when grieving. It can't even just be that they DID receive alot of support for their loss and so don't understand how much is needed, because, in MY case, I've already griped to each of them about how I was left out in the cold with family and other friends, so they can't claim ignorance on that. "Insensitive" is an understatement!!!!