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Ignored After Mom Died


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Hello everyone.

I extend my condolences to every one who has lost someone.

I found this series of forums two or three months ago.

I skimmed through a lot of the posts, and I related to a lot of what I read. I decided to join recently.

I'm horrible at being concise, so I apologize in advance for what I'm sure is going to be a long post.

I'll try to skip over details where I can.

I might break my story or concerns up over two or three posts instead of making one long post. I hope that is okay.

I am not comfortable with divulging too much identifying information about myself, so I will be changing some names and details in my post and any future posts I may make.

I am over the age of 35 but below the age of 45.

Something that complicates the grieving process for me is that I have clinical depression.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression as a child. Medication and psychiatrists did not help me.

I've had suicidal thoughts off and on since my teen years. I also have social anxiety disorder.

I've been a devout Christian my whole life (as was my mother), and while my faith has sometimes helped me, it's not always necessarily made things easier.

My mother died over two and a half years ago. She had cancer and other medical issues.

My mother was my best friend.

My family moved a lot when I was a kid and a teenager.

I was always very shy and not self confident, so that combined with the frequent moves, means I had a very difficult time making friends my own age.

So my Mom was pretty much my best friend from the time I was a kid all the way into adulthood.

She was the only person I could talk to about anything, and she would not judge me or criticize me.

Something that is even more difficult (or just as difficult) as losing my mother, or that made her death worse, is not receiving the support I want and need.

I have never been married, so I do not have a husband I can turn to for support or companionship.

A few months after Mom died, I had to move out of state to a new location and sell my car before moving.

I am without a car and cannot get out much.

Therefore, I cannot follow the usual suggestions people love to give, such as, "Just get out of the house more!," "Join more groups, get a hobby, meet people, join a therapy support group!," etc.

Sorry, but without a car and hardly any money, I am unable to get out and attend meetings, meet people, etc.

I have extended family in the area I am now.

However, most of them ignore me most of the time, even though I am relatively new in town, have no spouse, don't know anyone else here, and have no car - and they are well aware of these details.

I phoned one of my Aunts, my Aunt "Mary," over a year and a half ago, and told her I could really use her friendship.

I explained to her I've no one to turn to since Mom died, would she please call me once every few months, or e-mail me, so I can talk about Mom or just shoot the breeze?

I asked Aunt Mary that question at least three times in the same phone call. I was very direct about it.

But Aunt Mary has not called or e-mailed me once since then to ask me how I'm doing, or to ask, "Do you need to talk?". Not a single time.

Aunt Mary's avoidance of me is mind boggling, even more so because she considers herself a good Christian, she attends church every week, and belongs to a charity that helps old people.

I would think she would go out of her way to help me, especially since I directly asked her for help (in the form of an occasional phone call or e-mail).

I have one aunt and uncle (Aunt "Sally" and Uncle "Fred") who literally live ten minutes from me. They are also avid church attenders.

I thought once I moved here, that Aunt Sally would 'take me under her wing', invite me over to her house for tea every so often and befriend me, but that has never happened. That hurt and was disappointing.

Please remember, Aunt Sally and all these other extended family members know about my situation: they know I am single, new in town, no car, my mother just died, etc., some of them even know that I have clinical depression.

Additionally, all these extended family are retired, in good to excellent health, not undergoing any tragedies of their own.

Some of them, when they do bother to contact me (in e-mail, or every so often in person), make me look at numerous photos and videos of their kids' weddings or grand children's activities, etc.

They do not ask me how I'm doing or what I'm up to. They do not take an interest in me.

Obviously, they have the time, health, money, and energy to run around visiting grand kids.

So they do not have a legitimate excuse as to why they never phone me to ask about me, and how I am doing.

I am terribly hurt, disappointed, bewildered, and angry at the lack of concern, support, and attention from these distant family members.

I do have one Aunt, my "Aunt Jenny," who, after I told her some of this, began calling me about once every four months.

But she's the only person I have to talk to, and in between phone calls from her, I have nobody.

That people continue to ignore me, even after I know they know about my situation, or even after I directly told them I could use their friendship, and they still do not write or call, just disgusts me, and it puzzles me.

Another thing that deeply troubles me:

If I'm not being ignored, I've been on the receiving end of criticism, judgment, and insensitive comments or behavior by other people who know that I am hurting and going through a difficult time.

It's bad enough my mother is gone, but people's treatment of me after her passing has made things even worse. People have been rude, insulting, hateful, etc.

I think I'll write about that in a separate post since this one is already pretty long. I hope that is okay.

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HI Raindrop,

Your writing is very clear and easy to understand. I am sure you are just like the way you write. Please do not feel disheartened if others ignore you since they may be ignoring some of life's moments to learn from others and are unaware of the same.

Please find solace that you are here on this forum where you will find people who understand and will listen.

Keep up your spirits and you will see yourself through this difficult time.

Regards,

Kavish

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Raindrop, I am so sorry to hear about your mom and the other issues you're dealing with. While I can't relate to everything you wrote, I can tell you that I lost my mom in November to lung cancer, I have suffered from social anxiety and depression for many years, and I too feel ignored by some people.

Because of my anxiety, going to an in-person support group is kind of out of the question. I'm not sure it would work for me. I've found great support here and on other grief support message boards. It's reassuring to be able to come here and post something and know that SOMEONE out there understands. I encourage you to keep posting here (your post was not long at all!) and discussing what you're going through. Someone will relate and hopefully that will make you feel a little bit less alone.

I don't really have any family aside from my dad and my husband. My mom was an only child and her parents are both dead, and I've never met anyone on my dad's side of the family, so I feel very alone sometimes. My husband tries to understand, but I've learned that unless you've experienced a terrible loss, you just can't possibly truly understand. I have one friend who lost her dad when she was 19, so she and I talk quite a bit and it's nice to have someone who truly "gets it" -- but other than that, I have friends who aren't overly interested in talking about my mom, my grief, or anything related to it. If I bring it up, everyone gets quiet and uncomfortable so I've just stopped. It's not worth it.

I also know what you mean about your faith. At first, I clung to my faith like crazy and used that to get me through. Now I find myself questioning lots of things and wondering where exactly my mother is. Before she passed away, I didn't have an ounce of doubt about the afterlife -- now I seem to have more doubt than faith.

I'm glad you found this community and I hope that it helps you on your journey.

Erin

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Thanks for the support and the replies :)

For the person who sent me a private message: I'm sorry you're hurting so badly right now.

I will try to reply to your private message with another private message probably some time in the next two weeks; I am not ignoring you!

I was touched that you spent the time to compose it and send it to me.

Kavish, I gather you're here because you lost someone; my sympathies to you.

Bella Rosa (Erin), I'm so sorry about the loss of your Mom.

I know my mother passed away quite some time before yours (my Mom has been gone now for over two and a half years), but since I've not had much support or therapy, I think I might be getting over it slower than most people would.

I did see a therapist twice after my mother's death, but I could not afford to keep seeing her, and she refused to reduce her rates.

I'm not comfortable with therapists any way. (I only went to the therapist because my sister bugged me to go.)

Without a car, I've not been able to get out much and join groups and stuff.

Not that I think I'd feel totally comfortable in a face- to- face group setting, though I might be willing to give it a go once, to see what it's like.

BellaRosa said,

I encourage you to keep posting here (your post was not long at all!) and discussing what you're going through.
Thank you.

I am aware that my style of writing can be, and has at times, annoyed the crud out of other people, because I tend to write long posts.

I do not do write super long posts on purpose. It's just how I write.

I recently got yelled at by a long-time forum member at a different forum I joined a few weeks ago.

She was also very angry at me because she felt I was posting too often.

She felt I was trying to "monopolize" the forum, which was not my intent at all - not at that forum and not here, and not any where else I participate.

I might want to make one or two new threads in this forum in the future, because there are still a few other things that I wanted to talk about that really bother me. I hope that's okay with people here.

Bella Rosa said,

Because of my anxiety, going to an in-person support group is kind of out of the question. I'm not sure it would work for me.
Bella, I'm not sure how old you are (I'm between 35 - 45), but I've found the older I get, the social anxiety is not as bad, so maybe that will be true for you as well.

Talking to strangers and new people gets easier with time.

I'm glad you at least have the one friend to talk to who understands (the lady who lost her dad when she was 19).

Bella said,

My husband tries to understand, but I've learned that unless you've experienced a terrible loss, you just can't possibly truly understand
Yes, I know! I've come across that a few times.

I was going to start a new thread in the next week or so talking about things like one friend of mine who sent me a very insensitive e-mail in regards to my mother's passing, and I suspect one big reason he was so insensitive about it is because he has not yet experienced the loss of someone close to him.

Bella said,

I also know what you mean about your faith. At first, I clung to my faith like crazy and used that to get me through. Now I find myself questioning lots of things and wondering where exactly my mother is. Before she passed away, I didn't have an ounce of doubt about the afterlife -- now I seem to have more doubt than faith.
I'm kind of going through that, but in the opposite direction.

(To digress for a moment: I am a Christian, but whenever I talk about my faith, I am only discussing it from my experience, and how it is impacting my grief, and so on.

I certainly do not want to debate or argue religious topics with people here, so I hope any Non Christian people do not get angry or offended if or when I mention my faith, the Bible, or Jesus Christ, etc.

It's just that my faith does play a role in how I'm handling my Mom's death.)

Anyway, my problem is a little backwards from yours:

I still believe in an afterlife, and I know my mother is in heaven, and I'll be going there too some day.

My problem is that I'm having a hard time seeing how the Christian faith can help me in the "here and now."

God has seemed pretty silent and distant since my Mom passed away, which I find painful, bewildering, etc.

Other Christians have let me down since Mom died (I won't get into that right now), and that has been a huge disappointment.

I'm have other issues like that going on with my faith.

Bella said,

but other than that, I have friends who aren't overly interested in talking about my mom, my grief, or anything related to it.
I relate.

If your friends keep denying you the right to discuss your grief and thereby help you work through it (as they should be doing!)-

I hope your friends at least discuss more meaningful things with you or at least take an interest in other areas of your life, unlike my friends, who tend to come to me talking or ranting about only their own problems or interests, such as...

-"Oh yeah yeah, Raindrop, your Mom's dead, it makes you sad, sorry to hear that...

but you'll never guess what! Fluffy my cat barfed all over my designer bed spread, the one that matches the new drapes!

I can't get the tuna stench out of the thing now! What will I ever do!? My life has come to an end!!"

-"Oh my gosh, like I totally chipped my new toe nail polish yesterday, can you like believe it??? I just got that polish put on too, bummer! I don't think I can go on living."

-"I know you were saying something about missing your Mom, Raindrop, but...

I have to tell you now, I can't put this off, we must spend the next three hours discussing this in great detail:

On my cell phone, I was right in a heated argument about what to have for dinner tonight with my

jerk- manipulative- rat- of- a- boyfriend- I've- been- complaining- about- for- the- last- 20- years- who- you've- told- me- time- and- again- I- need- to- dump- but- I- prefer- complaining- about- him- to- actually- changing- the- situation, and my battery went dead!

I was so close to proving to him that Tex Mex is superior to Chinese take-out too! Oh the humanity. Please be there for me now at this great time of sorrow."

:rolleyes:

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