New Here

[jeepguy]

I just found out about this site, thought I would say hi.

I lost my wife to breast cancer-treatment, really-almost 6 months ago.

I caretook for her for many other health problems for most of 4 years, then she felt a lump-she was dx stage IIIB with a huge tumor already spread to her same side lymph gland under her arm, that was 3/10/05. She had one chemo, pre surgery thing, then 9 days later called me at work telling me she was sick. I took her to ER, and 11 days later she died-on our wedding anniversary-4/9/05.

It was a tornado that landed right on my head, devestating everything I knew.

So, that is my story, a horrible one at that-like most if not all of you. The journey is a bit smoother for me these days, but my life still pretty much is the pits. I have no friends or family, so I am totally by myself-sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes it really gets me down.

I have hope of going through to the other side of my grief, and know I will someday, and hope all of you find the peace and strength we all seek and pray for.

[Rep1Right]

JeepGuy,

I, too, am all alone! I took care of my 51 year-old husband Rick myself for 6 months (from November 15, 2004 to May 29, 2005) until he died from Stage IV Lung Cancer. Nobody came to my aid until the last couple of weeks. I, too, am all alone. Both my parents are deceased, any extended family lives back in the NY area and my only sibling, a brother who lives in Vegass has no "soul". He cannot reach out and give me support at this terrible time of need, yet I have always been there for him! Needless to say, i am very hurt!

It is going on 4 months now and I seem to do fairly well during the week. I find weekends unbearable, tho. Everyone is busy with their own life. The phone doesn't even ring. And September 9th would have been our 8th anniversary. I have been unable to get out of the depression since then. I think about him constantly...about everything we did, his touch, his laugh, his fear of dying, his unconditional love and I cry...I go to church on the weekend but it doesn't seem to help much. Everyone is in pairs...everyone is holding hands and I am the "fish out of water" or so it seems.

I feel so all alone. I feel indecisive. I want to work and I don't want to work. I want to move and I don't want to move (although I took care of that by signing a "Exclusive Listing Agreement" with an ambulance chasing Realtor who knew Rick and caught me at a vulnerable time). I panicked and tried to get out of the agreement and they refused. After pleading, the manager of the agency said she would let me out of the agreement for $8,000.00. At that point I got a lawyer who quickly advised them that I would not pay $8,000 or anything for that matter but it looks as though it will be stand-off until the end of next June when the agreement ends. This makes me cry, too, because I am not normally accustomed to doing stupid things...I am just not in my right mind right now and to think someone who acted as a friend could set me up is ugly.

Anyway, I empathize with you from the bottom of my heart.

KC...thank you for your response!

[jeepguy]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Rep1Right)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry for you loss, and for the troubles you are going through with you property.

I have heard many accounts of widows being taken advantage of early in grief, and will pray for your victory in this against this realator.

As I approach six months, I, too, have made some very unwise choices, and just now the dust is settling down. Be gentle with you, the people who sense our weakness and vuneralbity are very good at what they do, and know how to use us. Keep posting, I have found much help available during this horrible time, and I have learned-the hard way-to listen to my cyberfamily.

Take care, and keep breathing!

[Robbcity]

Hello,

This is my first time on this web site as well.I lost my life partner almost 5 months ago to a massive heart attack and am still reeling from this. We have two young children and no other family/ real close friends on this side of the country. I feel the "fog" has liften that I was in at first but am still not able to "deal" with his death or that of my grandmother two weeks prior to his.

I have lost any energy or desire to do anything for myself. I try to live for the kids and taking care of them but feel myself falling under the strain of doing everything now. Does anyone have any advice on how I can get my energy back? Is this a normal process of grief? I find myself doing everything that I have to for the kids and work but fail to find any energy for myself. I am always tired and just want to sleep.

I worry and pray that he's in a better place and being taken care of and not scared or lonely. I want to "hear" or "feel" his presence as many have told me I should be able to and yet I can't seem to do this. Doing this makes me feel that I have accepted his death versus thinking that he will be back real soon.

Thank you for letting me express my thoughts tonight. It helps to know that I am not alone with this grief and constant pain.

[kayc]

Rep1Right:

Don't think badly of yourself...the shame is their's!

[kayc]

Robbcity:

Grief takes an incredible amount of energy and it's all the harder on us when we aren't able to sleep. The only thing I know to do is to take care of myself physically as well as I can...eat healthy food, drink lots of water, and take vitamins...go to Vitamin World and tell them your situation and they'll help you out with what you need. I am taking B12 time-released (for stress) and L-Tyrosine, I bought it when George had his second to the last heart attack because I thought I was going to be a caretaker...but it works well for someone grieving too, it's supposed to help support a positive mood. Also, exercise on a regular basis, that also helps you feel better and invigorates you. Green tea is good too.

If you are able to pray, that helps de-stress you. A lot of people find it hard to pray when they are grieving...I have only really been able to get back into it within the last couple of weeks, so I understand if you find it difficult. Soothing music, anything that relaxes you...if you can do anything creative, anything you've ever enjoyed, a hobby...I have a couple of friends come up once a week and I teach them stamp-art. At first they said they were coming and I didn't feel like it even though I've always loved this hobby...I just didn't care about anything. But they forced my hand and now I'm glad they did, it was what I needed. Good luck, keep trying to find something that makes you feel better...just be careful not to escape with substances or anything unhealthy...this is a very susceptible time!

[jeepguy]

Hi, robb,

Where did the energy go???????? You said a mouthful!!!

I think it goes to just getting through one more lousy day of grief. I have been told it takes a lot of work and enegy to get through this, and I agree.

When does it come back? Will it come back? I have no idea.

I don't even have pets, let alone kids, to motivate me-just bills, so I keep going to a job I dislike, to pay bills. That's my life right now.

Well, at least you know you are not alone!

Oh, I heard a good one tonight, about those who say our lost ones went to "a better place". The responce was "they went to a good place!, since being with me IS a better place!" I kind of liked that

[spela]

I am sorry for your losses.

JeepGuy and Rep1Right, I also feel alone - I must say though the reason is mostly in me, because I just can't stand stupid advice (on how I should "get over it") or jokes or the trivial things people talk about, and it's easier to be alone.

Robbcity, I had a problem with the lack of energy for quite a few months, and didn't know whether this is a normal part of grief. I only wanted to sleep and didn't know how to get my energy back. I think what helps me is my dog and dog school - that's really the only place (besides my job) where I meet people and it's good to talk only about dogs and also it is good to see how they enjoy doing things. So I guess if you start to do things that you enjoyed doing before, maybe that will give you some energy. And take time for yourself. I was so exhaustet sometimes, I just HAD to take a day off of work, turned off the phone do nothing or drive somewhere. That helped too (at least for that day).

[ustwo]

Perhaps today will be the day that brings a glimmer of a smile to some of us. It's been nearly 15 weeks that my heart is empty. I get up tired...I go to bed tired. I can't find anything to enjoy since the only joy I had were the days Gene was not "as sick". I can't find a reason to do anything even though I know I need to find something to do. Rep1...I also signed a contract on my home. Was a bad decision but I just took house off market and contract will end in Dec. After that I realized I just don't need to make decisions right now. I packed and unpacked a house in 28 days...trying to run away from the pain.

Jeepguy, Robbity, and Rep1right....everyone listens here. I am sorry for all of our losses.

Spela and Kayc...your insights give me hope that I can find the courage to at least focus on something. If I could just figure out who "me" is. All I want is "us" and I can't have that anymore in this life. But I know there is another life with Gene waiting. I go to bed and say "one more day closer to you Gene". For now that's all the days are.

Thank you everyone for sharing.......I know I'm not truly alone. I wish none of us had a need to be here. We journey together....it is so hard.

Always Gene!

Always!

[Robbcity]

Hello again,

I appreciate everyone's thoughful responses to my posting a few nights ago. I think what is the most difficult for me right now is the mere fact, that I CAN"T grieve right now. My two young children force me to maintain and keep moving. I believe that this is good in many ways and I am so glad that I have them to keep me going. On the other hand I am ALL ALONE here in the valley of the sun and am overwhelmed by having to do EVERYTHING by myself. I am the mother/father/ provider .... everything for the children and I can't do it all alone! Unfortunately both of our families reside on the east coast and NO ONE has any intention of coming out to help even for a few days to give me some respite.

I do pray a lot and use to run to de strss before I lost Craig but now I am ALWAYS tired because of all that I have to do. I simply don't know how I can keep going like this. I know that I need to take care of myself and yet I am so busy taking care of the children and working that I am always getting the shorter end of the stick. I have even missed the last two support groups this month because I felt the kids needed me more.

Of course at night is when I think about Craig and how I found him and how he was too young to die. How he had so much to live for yet and was the best dad in the world. I pray that God is taking good care of him because I worry that he is so alone even though my grandmother and his dad are with him.

As I am sure you can tell my emotions are just running haywire right now. This is all so painful! In many ways I want to "hear" Craig talk to me and yet I am scared because that means to me that I have accepted his death and there is NO WAY that he will ever come back to us. I smell his clothes sometimes at night to feel closer to him and pray that the clothes NEVER lose his scent.

How am I suppose to keep moving along? My life has stopped being the way it was and yet I have to get up every morning and act as if our new life will be okay. It's not and I feel like it will never be okay.

Thank you ALL again for reading and hopefully giving me some advice on how to get some sort of handle on this.