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Four Months Today


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It has been four months since my spouse passed away from cancer. It feels like yesterday, it feels like an eternity. Still feeling a hole in my stomach, heart and body. Always feeling restless like I am waiting for something, maybe for him to walk through the door. I don't know. Brief times of smiles and happiness, but then I always come back to he is not here and I am alone. The lonliness is unbearable at times, even when the room is full of people. I had a friend tell me yesterday that I still talk about him in the present tense, like he is still here. Did not know I did that but denial I guess is very strong. Maybe talking about him in the present tense makes it seem less real. Don't know... only hoping it gets better. Thinking maybe if I begin to feel better, I might forget him and I don't want that to happen. Are we our own worse enemy in this grieving?

Becky

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Dear Becky,

I know how you feel. Tomorrow will be the anniversary of Pauline moved in together. I knew how I wanted to spend the day, but now I do not know. All my strength is gone. I am getting better every day.

I keep you in my prayers, to help heal that hole you now have. 4 months I think you have come a long way. Any time you need to talk I am here for you. I find talking to anyone and everyone that will listen. Tell them my story about and with Pauline really has help me a lot.

God Bless

Dwayne

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Dear Becky,

I remember the 4th month and 10th month and truly did not believe anyone who said it gets better but in some wierd sort of way it does get easier. I am now approaching the 18th month. I rebound faster, the waves that completely engulf me seem a bit further apart. I miss Bill as much today as I did at 4 months. The silence in the house is still deafening but I don't cry as much and I have not wailed for a while. I did not believe this would occur at 4 months or even 10 but it does. I have not forgotten Bill. I actually miss him more but am a bit calmer and less tearful. The emptiness is deeper and quieter. I still feel like half of me is gone and think I always will feel that way. I can hardly wait to join him but am able to take art classes, train the dog, interact with life with more of my brain functioning.

I am so sorry you are in such pain. It is pure torture for sure. I still have those days. But I have horrific days less often but they still come. Last evening I went to local night (small town local food, local beer and local music and a lot of locals) at the park behind a restaurant. I had to leave sooner than anyone at my table because I could barely watch all the couples...but I went...so I guess that is a victory of sorts. Today I start a 3 day watercolor class...a distraction but a nice one. It is different for each of us here but I do see most finding it a bit easier as time goes on.

We are all here for you.

Mary

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Becky,

What you're feeling is what we've all felt. At four months I felt like my world had ended and my insides had been yanked out and stuffed back in upside down. In desperation I kept asking others who had gotten further how long it would take before I felt better.

At one year I can say that it does get a little better and a little easier. I never thought it would.

The grief isn't gone. I don't cry every day, but every week. I still refer to my husband as my husband - as though he was still here. Maybe he is...

Melina

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Keep plugging away, Becky. I'm only at two months since a beautiful Memorial Service, and not up for anything yet. I know that feeling of going out to the store or the post office or the bank, and walking back in to an empty house....not the same as for the past 40 years, and never will be again. I don't really think that no matter what, you will ever need to worry about forgetting your Husband. I think he will always be there for you even if you can't see him. You're right, talking in the present is good, and I do talk to my Wife every day, and believe it or not I also thank GOD every day for the wonderful years we had...and look forward to rejoining her in eternity. I wish the same for you!!! Keep fighting it.

Earl

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I have heard it said that some people prolong their grief because it is their connection to him, but I'm sure it is an unconscious effort. I only know that some of the changes we experience are so subtle that we don't know them as it occurs...such as changing from present tense to past tense? When did that occur? I have no idea. When did I remove my wedding band? I only know it had nothing to do with wanting to, it was because it was cutting off my circulation and then I couldn't ever get it back on again (it's not eligible for resizing because it has both platinum and yellow gold). When did I stop looking toward the door to se him come in when I heard it move? When did I stop expecting to hear his voice (Hi, Hon!...) when I answered the phone? I don't know, I only know that little by little these changes occurred without notice or fanfare. I still cannot sleep in our bed. I do remember when I could no longer smell his smell on the sheets or his robe, and I cried. I remember when his messages disappeared on my cellphone, and I cried. I remember each and every holiday of that first year without him, how hard it was, how I wanted to fast forward through that whole year! It was unthinkable to me that I would survive this, let alone be here six years later to tell about it. Someday I will have to give up this place, and it will break my heart for this is where his ashes lay, this is the place he loved and called "our home in the clouds". Some of you have had to face that already, but I only know that they live on in our hearts and wherever I am, he is.

I'm so thankful for this site and that we are all helping each other through this. When I first lost George, there were others about the same timeline as I, but not many on here that'd been through it and were down the road, I honestly didn't know if or how I'd get through this.

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Becky...I share your pain and feeling of waiting for something....anything....but it never happens. I look down at my left hand...at my wedding rings..and then I feel he is near me....as he always was...I will never take them off...And the feeling of him coming through that door again....We have a small crow..kind of like a puppet that Bill picked up one day... we have had it forever I think....and it sits on the dryer in the laundry room...right next to the back entry door. Every time Bill came through that door he would press on the crow's bill and it would let out this loud CAW CAW...like a real crow. My signal he was home . Do you have any idea how many times in my mind I would will that thing to CAW...telling me he was home???? Well...it never has and never will again...just one of those silly things we remember. And I just noticed...I said WE and not I....thats just the way it is. After almost 5 months to the day my heart still aches for what was...take your time...God will lead us to where we are supposed to go...like a mountain we are forced to climb...and I have always feared high places...so I fear this mountain...but I'll keep climbing...and so will you.....I'll keep you in my prayers...and this site can be your life line on that climb....Peace to your heart and God bless...I stand in your shoes...Carol

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