Dad Died... My Rant

[Spika]

Im sitting here listening to my mom take care of business in my dads old office. He died last Friday afternoon and it seems too soon. Shes laughing and giggling in there with co-workers and employees. How can she be so happy? I can barely concentrate enough to work. But Im here at least. My dad worked up until about 3 weeks of his death, and he would want me to trudge on as well.

Its hard to be brave. I see him in places here that he would always be: in the lobby, sitting in his office chair, outside talking with contractors. But he isnt there, and he never will be again. I am so short tempered, I have to restrain myself from snapping and my mom usually gets the most of my anger. Its just that I am so mad at this, this situation. I hate my job, I stayed here to be with my dad… but now hes gone. I hate that he was only 49, and that he didnt want to die.

As heartless as it seems, I hate my biological father for living on… the one who smoked, who abused, who neglected. But my true dad in everything but name in blood, had to suffer. Suffer for what? Suffer for loving too much? For being too good? I know he never ate right and thats a big part of it but it seems so unfair. What about me? What will I do? I told him I would be alright at the end but now I fear that that was just a lie. After I told him, he died 20 minutes later.

He loved my mom… he loved her so much. I witnessed his love for 15 years. He was devoted. She constantly complained about him, ever since I can remember she would say things like, He bugged me so much that I told him Id marry him just so he would leave me alone. Or just a month ago she said to me, If I knew what I know now when I married him… She was always so negative… telling me that he ruined her finances and she never really wanted him anyway.

And I told her just a few weeks ago that even though she didnt wish this to happen, a part of me finds it hard to be sympathetic when she spent half their marriage complaining to me about him. She never understood, right up until the end my dad told me she didnt understand what he was going through, and she didnt even try. He didnt say, she doesnt even try of course, because the fact was that he was so endlessly patient with her that he saw way past the bad things and possibly even made up things to get him through.

The truth is, she wasnt nearly as dedicated to him as he was her. My mom told me maybe 5 months ago a phone conversation she had with my biological father. She called him up one evening when she was particularly down on my dad and asked, If anything ever happened and I was alone, would you take me back? My mom seemed contented in the fact that he said, Yes of course. But in reality what was the man supposed to say to a crying ex-wife who called him in what seemed a crisis?

A little part of me said then that she was already planning her life after my dad and that part of me hates her for it. That part still holds true, because when I hear her so completely jovial and oblivious I wonder what she is thinking. I wonder if she feels unburdened now by my dads poor financial decisions and is glad she is finally free. Only time will tell I suppose, how she really feels. Her brother is still staying in the house with her. Maybe when he leaves and the house is finally quiet, she will act like this tragedy actually happened.

Yesterday I went over there and I was so angry with her. I told her I didnt want to stay for dinner and she completely ignored me. Its like she is totally in her own world where she thinks she does no wrong. Her house is a disaster. Not only is it to the point where I asked her if she is becoming a hoarder, it reeks with the acrid smell of cat excretion. While I was staying there taking care of my dad it stayed pretty clean because I took care of a lot. But now, its back to its awful smell and disorganization.

Before my dad got sick he helped around the house a lot but it was always messy and smelly. They have 5 cats, after all. I wish that she would clean because its so bad I couldnt physically force myself to even eat dinner over there. But my uncle is there and he sits in the house all day and doesnt seem to notice. Maybe it is just that when you are constantly around filth you forget how bad it is. I keep my apartment spotless so maybe it just seems worse to me.

When my dad was dying and hospice came in to help, the social worker came and asked if we needed anything. My mom has always been reluctant to counseling or therapy so she didnt say how much we were fighting at the time. I told the social worker that we just couldnt get along and that it would be great to have some help to get us seeing eye to eye. After I said my peace, my mom spent the rest of the time bragging about how well she copes with things and the worst thing about it was the social worker believed her.

It occurs to me that maybe the more stress my mom is under the more in her own world she is. I just want to get away, it is so hard to see her like this when I am hurting so bad. She doesnt care though, many times throughout this I have had to tell her to stop acting like this is only happening to herself. Even when my dad was suffering, she said that his suffering was harder for us than it was him. Its like she didnt realize how badly he hurt and how much he yearned to stay living. He was in such physical pain that morphine barely helped sometimes, and that doesnt even take into account the anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, sleeping pills, and nausea pills he was taking for his symptoms.

Those are all the things I hate and I wish that I would get along with my mom. A part of me says to get along with her and accept her ways would be to kill my own ways and beliefs, morals, etc. When my biological father and she got divorced, she got remarried 3 months later to my dad because she wasnt able to cope on her own. She is a dependent creature, and I fear that she is going to do everything she possibly can to keep me here once my uncle leaves. I am only 23, I havent been to college, I havent even had a chance to follow my dreams. My dad wrote me a message to read after he died, and it said, You can do anything you want in this world and I hope one day you see it. I know my dad wanted me to follow and achieve my dreams.

My mom on the other hand, doesnt feel like I should follow my dreams if they take me away from her. Honestly, I wish I could get away now. Going to work in the place I saw my father every day is harder than I ever thought it to be. It has made me realize just how much I put up with in order to spend more time with him. It made me realize how the little things he did like writing me notes that said things like, I love you Spikes (he called me spikes or spika for my nick-name), or when he smiled to me on the way to his office, or when he would sit at my desk and we would talk about nothing in particular; all those things and more made me realize how much they made my job bearable. I do have a boyfriend who I have been with for almost 5 years and luckily he works here too, although in a different building, but its not enough.

Also, my mom doesnt seem to approve of my boyfriends and my relationship. He is 15 years older than me and while it doesnt seem like a big deal to us, she cant get over it. I have confronted her about it on several occasions but she always says, I like him, I never said I dont like him… But when my uncle got here about 2 weeks ago, he took me outside and had a talk with me. He started off by saying, I know you have a lot to handle right now and your mother can be very opinionated, for instance, when I got here last night after you left she asked me, what do you think of her boyfriend? but she told me if I ever so much as mentioned that we talked about him and you that she would skin me alive. He went on to say that from what he can tell, my boyfriend is everything someone would want for me. He then said, And I told your mother that too… but she said, He is too old for her. So I said, Well that isnt for you to decide. Your daughter is an adult, it is her decision.

Now this type of thing doesnt change the way I feel about my boyfriend… my mom thinks she knows best but she just doesnt. It just hurts me that she would lie to me like that. And it hurts me that she would feel that talking about my boyfriend while my dad lay in a hospice bed is something of importance. Of course it hurts my boyfriend too, he wishes that it wasnt like this so it would be easier on me. He also feels betrayed because of the fact that I am so happy with him and my mom seems to want to sabotage it by never accepting him fully. It makes me resent her for not seeing the good man that I share my life with who would do anything for me… in fact he helped me care for my dad a great deal when I needed help and my mom couldnt manage to do it.

My dad told me one day about 3 months ago how he felt about my boyfriend. In truth, my dad and my boyfriends relationship had been rocky in the past. Now I think the reason it had been rocky was because of my mom. As you can probably see, she has a really bad habit of talking about people behind their backs but acting totally friendly to their faces. Once, my mom even spread a rumor to my family that my boyfriend was abusing me. I was confused why all my family was coming up to me and trying to support me. I thought it was because my grandma was dying (both the rumor and my grandmas death happened at the same time), and little did I know until everyone had gone home. Anyway, my dad told me 3 months ago that he liked him like he was his own son and that he would do anything for him just like he would do for me. Its hard to think that the only one who supported our relationship like him is gone forever.

I love my mom but all these things make me hate her too. And Im all shes got, and that makes me mad too. I dont know what she will do when my uncle leaves or how much she will need me. I am tired of her guilt trips and tired of how she only thinks of herself. All of these things piled on top of my dads death make me feel confused. I know the direction I should go now but how will I ever get there? I want to accomplish my dads top dream - for it is my favorite dream too - to own land and have a farm. I know he would love it if I could accomplish something that we both loved so much. How will I manage my mother and all these problems as well as my debt and ever get to where I want to be? I feel so bogged down… by life, by money, by sadness, anger, resentment, longing, emptiness, confusion, memories of my dad that sting like a fresh cut.

I pray something good happens and takes me away from all this pain and all these walking memories. But I probably pray in vain… I will have to work and live here until Im 25 (thats when I have calculated that I will have my debt paid off and have enough saved to move), and that seems like too long, when the remaining hours at work here seem like days instead of hours, hours instead of minutes. I know I need to be patient, Im young, but so was my dad. I am trapped, and haunted. Maybe things will get better in time, but right now everything hurts so bad in all the worst ways. Its not like me to complain like this, normally I try to forget about the things I know I cant achieve right now. But when I am awake, I have nothing else to think about and the prospect of moving seems to take my mind away from all this heavy weight around my neck. Honestly, I am embarrassed by my frankness and I should have posted this anonymously.

Sorry this is so long.

[Kavish]

Hi Spika,

Your dad seemed like a real dad who took care of you, and everybody else. God bless him. Now you have to look at the positive things alone and not let distractions derail your outlook on life ahead. Keep your head high and be proud you had a dad whose lead you can follow otherwise you would only be wallowing in self pity which is a distraction ( and nothing wrong with it) But it keeps us from being strong like your dad whom you loved and respected with your heart.

All the best,

Kavish