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Dave's Update


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Hello everyone.....

Today I woke up feeling strangely good, despite the ever present numbness I feel in my chest, I am well aware its part of my heart missing.....Have to admit that I almost feel guilty for feeling good, also am aware that despite feeling well at present anything could set me off..... Mike would be furious at me for even entertaining the idea of guilt!

My life lately has been spent with mindlessly doing home improvement projects, it is providing me with a fresh look to come home to, some exercise, and my thoughts are that I want to sell off this place and move.....will wait the yr out before making any major decisions though. It is amazing to me what you can accomplish on a limited budget when you do home improvements yourself! Mike was always into making our home look nice, and I know he is smiling at me now.....

In just over 3 months, I am happy with what I have been able to do through so much debilitating grief, I continue to work, keep up the house,journal, see my Bereavement Counselor, and tommorow am taking a road trip to Sedona, Az. My first time out of the Phoenix area since my life ended......am really excited about it!

One of the greatest gifts I have recieved through this horrible journey, has been a friendship made with a Widowed coworker, Mary has been such great support, encouragement, and someone just to provide me the immediate reassurance that I am ok. Interesting that she should call this am, seems she had a dream that I was in a horrible car wreck, while waiting for me, Mike was there looking great and healthy.......she stated " this is not meant to alarm you, but to watch your driving while your defenses are down"

I was looking at our freezer this weekend, realizing that I have so much food stuff, leftovers from mike that if I dont starting using up will go to waste, so I thought I would have some of Mikes meatballs last night, they were still good and made me smile, thinking I still have something left that he did.....with that being said......how is it that I am able to eat his leftovers, throw away one of his teeshirts that was falling apart, while I was wearing it, able to paint and change the house up, and yet I cant throw away the last empty bottle of bleach, that he last used the last day he was here.....in the shower is his last bottle of shampoo, sitting empty ( interesting that Mike could time his death so he didnt have to buy another bottle of shampoo!!lololol he was really into his hair! )

Well i have spent over 3 hrs this am doing my " Mike Homework " am finding that I have ignored the rest of my family through this horrible learning experience and feel the need to go see my 91 yr old gma, she has lost her spouse, a son last Oct, Mike in May , and we made her move to Az, after living over 60 yrs in the same house in Kansas City...the loss she has seen.....

Everyone take care .....Dave

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I have noticed that every time I look at anything, I think, "this was before Harv died,or this was after." I guess I need to just think BHD and AHD. But, I do think that a lot. I also cannot throw some things away, like you an almost empty bottle of shampoo>(men's) I do use it occasionally so I can smell it. I cannot listen to country music yet, he loved so many songs,that if I'm driving and one would come on the radio, tears would flow.Not too safe while driving, So, I just don't listen anymore.Take care while traveling to see your gma. Peace and love, Pam

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Hi David, Have a safe trip to see Gramma...sounds like she is nearby and that is a great thing to do esp with all the losses she has had. Not sure who the Mary is who had the dream about you but it sounds pretty intense. You are doing so well after such a short time. I am sure I can speak for everyone in applauding you. You deal with your grief daily and yet you go on and do things. Good for you.

Pam, I understand about music. Bill and I loved classical music and I just put a piece on last month for the first time...it is 17 months now. I listen to books in the car a lot and public radio except for classical music. I agree about before and after Bill's death....I think of all we have NOT shared sometimes like the watercolor weekend I did this past weekend. I hope he knows I am painting because he knew I always wanted to. So so lonely today.

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Dave, have a safe trip to Sedona. I have a sister in Prescott, and have visited Sedona many times. I love Arizona. Just got back in June from a visit to my best friend in Douglas. I do understand about not being able to put away certain things. My husband's hats (he was really into hats, both in real life, and his costume hats for community theater), his most favorite are still hanging on a hat rack in my bedroom, after 19 months. The last shirt he wore is still on the hook behind the door. I still have a bottle of his cologne in the bathroom cabinet, and open it occasionally to smell "him". I don't think I am morbid or anything, they just give me comfort.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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I don't think I am morbid or anything, they just give me comfort.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

Mary,

It is now 17 months next week since Bill died and his closet is just as it was, his hat is on the doorknob in our bedroom and they bring me comfort. I know that clearing out his clothes and tools really means he is gone (though I am clear that he is) but just having them here makes me feel comforted so they will stay as long as that is true. I could use the closet space for sure but knowing his things are there feel better than extra space. I have gotten some things to Good Will...things he never wore and will do a few things at a time but i won't be surprised if some shirts or whatever are there until they take me out of here. The tools are another story. He had a complete wood working shop downstairs....made many things in his lifetime....an expert....and I can't even walk into that room. I took one of his favorite shirts and made it into my watercolor smock....wrapped myself in him so to speak. Whatever feels good....

Peace,

Mary

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I also have all Bill's things still in his closet and drawers...My children encouraged me to keep everythign as is until I feel the time is right. Gives me comfort seeing that shirt hanging on the door and something really silly...his towel still hangs on the hook in the bathroom. Not fooling myself....just feels good...Do not have the courage to donate his stuff...would make me feel like I was throwing him out...but perhaps in time...Mary...I like the idea of the shirt for a smock..like a hug from above right???

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George's closet rod broke shortly after his death so I took it as a sign to bundle up his clothes and donate them and did, but I kept out his fishing vest, favorite vest, robe, hat, etc. to go visit and hold them. I still have his robe hanging on the closet door, it brings me comfort. I took relish in getting rid of his work clothes (he was a welding fabricator, very hard work) because I felt it greatly contributed to his death...those things I destroyed, it felt good to do so.

I still have his pocketknife and trinket holder sitting there, where he used to throw his little things into. I still have pictures up. We need to do what feels comfortable to us and not try to force changes before we're ready, it's OUR life, not everyone else's so they can't dictate to us when to do things or how.

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Just came in to doctor myself, the bouganveila has just cut the snot out of me while painting, its is a wonderfull plant,but with everything beautifull, there comes a price, guess It is much like my love for Mike, beautifull, wonderfull, and so painfull at present.........I cont to paint and get lost in the moment......find it is the only time I really dont think of him, and then I catch myself wondering what does he think of the color? as I am not crazy about it.....but will live with it, an sure once everything is trimmed in it will look different. Mikes sister hasnt return to our house since he died, so I sent her pics, she stated Mike is so proud of you for doing what you are.......it choked me up! was cleaning out the pantry last night and found a jar of strawberry preserves that he had made for christmas, that was such a fun day making that together, it sure was great tasting, this is my last jar of his, and am not sure it will be eaten....a momento of a wonderfull day with him!!!!

well the bleeding has ceased so out to do it again, Phoenix area was hit hard with a dust storm last night, but I live out of town a ways, and saw little of it!

Take care! Dave

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