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Further Away...

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It has now been over three months since my beloved soul mate left...and it feels like at least 50 years. The more time that passes, he feels further away to me. I don't want to lose him. How do I keep him alive? I write to him in an ongoing letter, I kiss his picture good night, I still wear my wedding ring, but I'm so afraid of losing him. Where is he? How is he feeling? I hope a lot better than I am. I go on because I have to, but nothing about my life is the same. It's hard for me to remember good times when they seem so far removed from what my life is now. Now is lonliness, emptiness, a lack of meaningful purpose, no love. A far cry from what we had and shared. I wait for heaven to arrive for me...but it's hard to focus on that when I am caught up in the everydayness of life...going to work, paying bills, cleaning, doing laundry, getting the car fixed, the furnace repaired...where is heaven? When is my time? I know I shouldn't ask "why", it's futile, but why am I left here? I know we are supposed to ask "what am I supposed to learn/do/go from here" not the "why" but it's all so hard to understand. This is a long arduous process...

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Your words are so true. Hang in there, and keep breathing.

It takes a lot of time to go through, to redefine ourselves in our new byourselvesness, and to learn to cope.

I am just past five months, and have been "all over the place" in my emotions and actions, but ever so slowly the dust is begining to settle.

Keep posting, and keep the faith.

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I lost my husband of 40 years on 22 August 05 and am still reeling. We had been together forever, since I was 13 and he was 14. He was and is my whole life. I don't know how to live without him. I'm just going through the motions, one day at a time. It actually hurts my heart and in the pit of my stomach. The first few weeks I was in complete shock. Now that the shock is wearing off, I am feeling the awful reality of what my life is now. I have two sons who help me tremendously and miss their father terribly. But, they have their lives to live and I feel mine is over. Steve was my best friend, lover and soulmate. I wrote his eulogy, made a memory book and my house looks like a shrine to the him. I had almost two years to care for him before he died. People used to say, "I don't know how you do it". I would gladly take care of him for the rest of my life, just to have him here with me. When he died, I performed CPR and pleaded with him to come back to me. Selfishly, I wanted him to stay. I knew he had suffered enough and wanted to die. He just didn't want to leave me. I am starting counseling on Monday. Hopefully, it and time will help ease some of this terrible pain. It is sooooo hard.

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I lost my husband of 40 years on 22 August 05 and am still reeling.  ....  Steve was my best friend, lover and soulmate.  ...my house looks like a shrine to the him.  I had almost two years to care for him before he died.  People used to say, "I don't know how you do it". I would gladly take care of him for the rest of my life, just to have him here with me.  ....  It is sooooo  hard.

Hello trisha - welcome to this forum - so sorry that you have reason to be here

I believe that I share many of your feelings. My wife for 40 years, survived MS for over 20 years but was taken from me and her two children by cancer on April 13 of this year.

Like Steve was to you, Jeannie was also my soulmate - my raison d'etre. Life seems quite meaningless without her here with me.

During the last two years she had become completely disabled by her MS and I was her caregiver. It was not easy, but I would love to have that job back. It was so much easier than this job of grieving.

I also feel a bit selfish, because the cancer, which was only diagnosed in January was causing her a lot of pain between the doses of powerful painkillers. At least I know that that suffering has ended for her.

You are right - it is soooo hard. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier. Perhaps it does for some and perhaps it will for us also. It's only been 23 weeks for me but it seems like forever. sad.gif

Kindest regards - I think you will find good support here from folk who really care!


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Thanks for your reply. Just having someone validate your feelings helps. I am glad to have found this group of caring people who know the journey that I travel. It is a long, dark journey, but hopefully there will be a light at the end. My only solace is knowing that Steve suffers no more. Our loved ones are the lucky ones. They are at peace. I have to keep that thought in my mind or I will go crazy. Perhaps I am a bit crazy right now, but I've been told that's allowed. I find that I am rather scatter brained at times. I leave things on the stove and forget about them. I even left the back door to my house open when I went out on Friday. Steve is probably looking down shaking his head. He always worried about me and just his mere presence made me feel safe. We will find our way, won't we?


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Trisha, I am so sorry to find you here but you will find support here. My Gene left June 11. Nothing...no one could have prepared any of us for this pain. Everyone here lives with this pain so we understand anything you feel. My heart aches...actually hurts as yours does. I also was a caregiver and would gladly be taking care of my Gene if God had left him here with me longer. His suffering is over but mine will linger on. My reason for being is not with me. I don't think happy is something I'll ever know again until I'm with my love again, my best friend, my strength, my husband..the half of my heart and soul that is not beside me.

Trisha, be as gentle with yourself as you are able. And when you can not there are many here who are listening. We are all broken and trying to figure out how to put the pieces together somehow...just getting through one moment at a time. It is so hard. And I am sorry for your loss.

I wish peace in the stillness for all of us left behind.

Always Gene!


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I am so sorry for your loss of your best friend and soul mate. I lost mine on Father's Day...I would have been looking at taking care of George if he had survived for his heart was severely damaged, and I wish anything that I could be taking care of him instead of learning to do life alone. And I feel selfish for wishing that for I know he didn't want to be disabled...but neither would he wanting me going through this pain.

We are here for you, we're all in this together, and we'll continue to be here for each other.

It's not uncommon at all to lose your focus or have your mind wander, I have a hard time with that still and it's been over three months for me. Be gentle with yourself, this is the hardest thing one can face.

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Thank you all for your support. The best thing about finding this place is that you all know exactly how I feel. People can try to comfort you but it just isn't the same as someone who actually knows the terrible pain. I think Steve must have guided me to this group. I believe he will always be with me and is watching over me, always my guardian angel. I think of him constantly, sometimes with tears in my eyes and sometimes with a smile. Out of the blue comes the flood of tears and I can't stop. I feel hopeless right now and can't even imagine feeling whole again. Well meaning people try to get me be back into life, but my life has stopped. They just can't understand. There is no joy in anything. Eating makes me sick to my stomach. I do it just to survive and surviving is only for my sons. I know how hard it would be for them to lose both parents and they need me to get through the loss of their father. Thanks again, I feel I have found a light in the storm.

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