It's What He Doesn't Know That Kills Me...

[Dimcl]

Hello, all. I haven't been posting much in the last few months, but I come periodically and read the new posts. Tonight, I feel the need to ask if anyone else has my problem.

I can't get over the fact that Glenn doesn't know anything that's happened in the almost ten months since his death. He had a very curious and enquiring mind and we would always discuss recent world events, family issues, mundane everyday things. Now, he doesn't know that my Mom is very sick and that my Dad is having a hard time looking after her. He doesn't know about all the crazy political/war stuff going on in the world. He doesn't know the results of my latest hospital test. He doesn't know what I'm doing to keep busy. He doesn't know that I've burned his beautiful lawn with fertilizer. He doesn't know that I've spent weeks repainting and staining our back deck.

I know that the world keeps on going even in the absence of our loved ones and that, of course, they can't know what's happened, but this is something that's really getting me down. I wonder if it's just because I still haven't come to terms with his death. I find myself continuing to say, "How can this be possible? How can he just be gone? How can that brilliant mind just not be here anymore?"

Strange as it may seem, there's also an element of guilt in these feelings. I guess I feel that it's so unfair that I am still here to know these things and he's not. I find myself a dozen times a day, looking at his picture and saying, "I'm so sorry, Glenn."

But this feeling of sorrow that he doesn't KNOW what's going on is a new thing for me and I wonder if anyone else has gone through this.

Hugs.

Di

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Di,

My beliefs are just the opposite. From I was very young and had that ladder fall on my head, and I was looking down at everyone, my Mother using cold was clothes, on my head and face. Her Aunt rubbing my hands and chest area. I saw all that then I was awake again with a bad headache. I have always know, we move on to a different plane of existence. I knew we never really die.

After I met Pauline and looked deeper into my beliefs did I the realize that I had more of a Christian belief. I have followed that from then on. I know that our loved ones that has passed on are watching over us every day.

I believe that Glen is there with you now and always will be. Dose he, know what is going on in the world? YES he dose, but that dose not matter to him now. Now his spirit is watching and guiding you down your path of life. I wish everyone could have what I experienced in the recovery, when I saw Pauline's face as clear as I see any one live. She was Healthy and Happy and even the same hair color I had dyed for her about 5 weeks before she passed. That experience was a gift to me so I would know that she is alright and is really watching over me.

Di, I look at Pauline's, pictures every day, but not in sorrow, I do miss that human contact that we all lost when our loved one passed. I do miss her more than anything. But I can feel her everyday around me all the time. Just as Glen is with you. Grief is a very hard process to get through. We all go through it differently than anyone else. Try to stay positive and see the good in your life each and everyday. Remember the good times with Glen, because no one can, take that away from you. Only if you let them.

God Bless Di, I pray for you now That our Loving God brings you peace into your heart and soul. I ask this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Dwayne

[wmjsca]

Hello Di,

It will be ten months since Buck died on August 22 and I believe that he's aware of what goes on here in this life. I believe he gives me signs that's he's near and has his ways of comforting me. I believe his spirit is all around me, and that if it had been up to him, he would never have left me. My belief in God tells me that although we wish things had been different, He had other plans. I believe Buck told me when he had departed this life, it could have been the way the sun suddenly darted from behind the clouds that morning, or maybe shortly before he went in for the biopsy he signaled that he wasn't long for 'here'. I know he squeezed my hand so hard before he slipped away, and he couldn't have had that much stength left by then.

It does seem unfair that I'm here and he's gone, why him and not me? I don't necessarily think I got the better deal, though, because I believe he's beyond all the pain and anguish this life brings. My beliefs don't however, eliminate the pain, anger and frustration I still deal with day to day. The loss of my love makes this life much harder, but I do believe he is aware of it.

I hold on to these beliefs as my coping mechanism and because I look forward to seeing Buck again in a Divine Resting place.

Take care,

Marietta

[mfh]

Hi Di,

I understand how you feel. When I fell and broke some fingers, when Bentley finally made it through the 20 foot tube (timid dog), when I started watercolor classes, on and on and on the list goes. I wanted so to share each thing with Bill. People think the firsts are over after the first year but they will never be over. It is all so strange that after 36 years Bill does not know what I am about. Or does he?

I am pretty certain he does. I believe he is here behind me watching over me like a guardian angel...that is just what he would do. He also looked out for me. Now that is not the same. It is a comforting thought that does not remove any of the loneliness and desire to share every thing I am doing and lots of what I think and feel with him. I do share...I talk to him, I write to him in my journal...it all helps but is a drop in a very large bucket each day but it is something.

I wonder what your beliefs are about life after life. Many people believe life ends with earthly death. Each must do life according to what they believe. I am glad i have the comforting belief that our spirit goes on with awareness. We must each do life as we wish but I was wondering if life after life is a belief you can draw on to comfort you just a tiny bit sometimes.

I wish you peace,

Mary

[Earl C]

Hi Di, your post really got to me, but Dwayne, Marietta, Mary have all touched on such good points that I hope they've made you at least feel better about yourself and the fact that Glenn is truly still with you even though you can't see him. Some of us, like Dwayne for instance, has already seen their best friend, their partner in life, while I personally haven't had that privilege YET.

I do believe that somehow you need to have it reinforced for you that Glenn really does know what is going on in this world, but isn't concerned with any of that except where it concerns you, and he's truly watching over you as best he can from his perch above. He, I know because faith tells me so, will help guide you, but things like the lawn you worry about are probably laughing matters to him because he doesn't want you to worry about such things, but to help yourself live through the rest of your time on earth in relative peace and comfort, even though he knows you long to have him back with you. We all wish we could turn back the clock and not have to go through this...but, if any married couple lives together long enough, especially those truly happy couples, eventually one of them is going to have to learn how to live without the other. That just seems to be a reality of life, and barring an accident or something where both go together, it's just inevitable.

I have to say that (I'm only on 2+ months right now, so every one of you knows more than I do about this process, and I hate it), in my area they have Divorce Court on Monday thru Friday at 2 PM, and that's when I plan a break from whatever I'm doing, so I can watch and see how dumb people really are. They have never grasped what true happiness is, and they can think of the most selfish, most arrogant ways of dealing with their spouse, it actually makes me wonder how people got that way. We are the lucky ones because our grieving is caused from having a marriage that was, I like to think, made in Heaven. Yes, we'd all like to have another day, another year, ten more years, the rest of our life with our CHOSEN partner and best friend. But, it's been determined by a much higher power that we are destined to live a few years, whatever that may be, without that love of our life....and then ETERNITY with them, trillions of years together. My wonderful Wife, Wanda, has left me to fight the problems on earth, not her choice, but when we meet again we'll be what we always talked about, especially toward the end:

Together Forever.

Please believe, Di, that Glenn does know how you're doing and he will help from his new place as much as he can, mainly I believe by giving you the strength to continue with this life, hard as it is for us to do it without that special person.

Lots of love to you and to Glenn, to all those on this site who are more or less in our same shoes, some may have tougher lives than others, and I believe I personally (and I hope others feel the same) have to THANK GOD for the years we shared, and for the knowledge that we will once again be Together Forever in Eternity.

Earl C

[Dimcl]

Thanks to all for your kind and encouraging words. However, I don't believe in a life after this one. I'm one of those folks who believe that this is it, we don't get anything else, so I don't have that comfort in my life. I wish I did. As a result, I know that Glenn doesn't know what's happening with me and I've known that for almost 10 months. It's just that now I seem to be fixated on the idea. I guess it's just one of those strange phases that I've learned will come and, hopefully, go.

I've come to understand that I'm a minority on this forum, in that most everyone here seems to believe in an afterlife. I have read an awful lot on the subject all of my life because I'm fascinated with why people believe, but I'm still unable to rationalize it. I've talked in-depth with people who believe in an afterlife since Glenn died and I still don't understand it. Believe me, I have the utmost respect for people's beliefs, but I can't share them (nor did Glenn). As a result, I can't obtain the solace that most of you appear to get. I haven't seen any signs, I haven't felt his presence, yet my brain plays tricks on me. After Glenn was cremated, I deliberately put the box on his workbench in his workshop, which is one of the places he was happiest. Not because HE would know that's where they are, but because I know. In my rational mind, I know it doesn't matter one iota where his ashes are, yet I like to think that he's where he'd be happiest. I know that doesn't make any sense, but that's the conundrum I'm in - one part of my brain says one thing and another pretends otherwise.

Anyway, I know I'm babbling, so I won't go on. Thank you to all who responded and please know that I'm happy that your beliefs bring you some measure of comfort.

Hugs.

Di

[kayc]

Di,

I have always had the feeling that George is aware of what is going on, and I still write letters to him, it helps me whether he can read them or not.

I am not trying to sway you to believing in life after death, but please consider that there is a whole lot we don't know and keep your mind open for the possibility. Life changes form and doesn't stay the same, a person doesn't have to have any religious belief or affiliation to hold this view. and whether you can ascribe to that notion or not, you do know one thing that is for sure, he lives on in your heart and your memory keeps him alive. Tell him things anyway, you never know...

[terp8r]

Di, I completely understand your belief, I also posted something along the same thread. I waffle between absolutely believing Harv is having a wonderful time reuniting with his dad and brother and many other loved ones and friends. The next minute I'm afraid that there is nothing waiting for us after this life. I know that we are supposed to go with faith, but it's so intangible and I have always wanted evidence on things I have needed to make a decision about. I know Harv believed strongly that there is a much better place waiting for us, so I know that IF that place exists, he is there. I also grieve that Harv did not get to meet our first grandchild that was born 3 weeks after he died. People tell me that he's smiling down from heaven, that really doesn't comfort me(as of yet) I want him HERE with me where he belongs. I do think it would be awesome to have the strong faith that lots of people have and maybe someday I will. I've been thinking about counseling to talk about many questions I have... I hope that you have some peace tonight, I hope that all of us on this forum have some measure of peace tonight. Love, Pam

[nats]

Hello My Friends,

AMEN Earl...

Dimci...Ok, I am wondering if you do not beieve in afterlife what happpens to our spirit when our bodies pass/die? and I never use that word die because I also not only believe, I know there is an afterlife only our bodies pass and I also feel we have been chosen for this task/journey for a reason...I am not trying to be harsh just understand...one thing I think is we must first beleive in order to feel the presence of our spouses...I hear Ruth's voice, I find pennies on fresly vacumed carpet, and I feel guided by her so I know she's my special angel...I also have Ruth's Urn in a special place kinda watching over things in the living/great room...maybe you take the approach of the movie with Kevin Costner "if you build it they will come"...if you believe it may haooen for you...once again ytrying to understand?...

May God Bless You

NATS

[Dimcl]

NATS, what you call a "spirit", I call a brain. Our brains create and shape who we are. Our brains are simply another organ in our bodies that die when our hearts do. And you are absolutely right... people who believe, find those signs and portents, people who don't believe, don't. And what creates those beliefs? The brain. The brain also creates hallucinations, visions, audio effects, etc. As I said in my previous post, it would be lovely to believe, for I'm sure it would give me comfort. I have delved into this subject for many years because it fascinates me, but I have yet to find solid evidence that any such thing as a spirit exists. What evidence there is appears to be anecdotal and I'm afraid that I can't base an opinion on such a deep subject on the premise of, "I believe, so it must be so". I'm glad that you feel Ruth's presence and I'm glad that it gives you comfort. It's just something that I can't relate to.

And on a different note and in keeping with my original subject, I just picked the first ripe tomatoes from the one lonely plant I put in this spring. I don't know why I bothered, because I only ever planted them for Glenn, but I guess I felt the need to be normal. Anyway, I picked a handful today and ate one, crying the whole time because they were a new variety that I'd never grown before, they are delicious, and Glenn would have loved them. Silly, I know, but the fact that he isn't here to enjoy them, that he doesn't know about them, hurts so much.

Hugs.

Di

[Queeniemary]

Di, sending a big hug to you. Mike loved tomatoes also, and used to grown some. Who knows the reality of afterlife, I sure don't, and we are all entitled to our beliefs about it. Regardless of how a person feels about it, the here and now is sure darn lonely without Mike, and I can totally relate to how you feel about Glenn.

Take care my friend, and big hugs to you.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[BellaRosa]

Di, I know it's different but I've been struggling with everything my mom has missed since she passed. I used to enjoy stopping by the house after work and sitting on the couch with her to discuss the day's events - we would talk about everything from mundane things at work to things going on in the world. I hate that she doesn't know about any of that now.

I was raised to believe in an afterlife, and I think I do, but I've been questioning that a lot lately and trying to decide where my mom really is now, if anywhere. It's all very confusing and exhausting. I think it's nice that you put his ashes on the workbench -- what a lovely thing to keep him somewhere he loved so much.

Erin

[Earl C]

Hi, Di: The great thing about our country and our society is that everyone is free to believe or not, in whatever fashion they may choose. Some countries don't allow such things. I personally would never try to force my own belief system on anyone else, and I know that in addition to those who simply don't believe in an afterlife, there are countless religions in which beliefs are so much different. So, when you look at that fact, it may be hard to believe any of it because there is so much ambiguity. I truly understand this, but I have faith that doesn't end.

I would like to share, though, something that happened as I (and my family, we had at least 6 or 7 people here all the time Hospice was here, sometimes more than that) was losing my best friend and chosen partner. We live in an area where there are houses a ways behind us, but we're separated by a tree line, and there is a little creek running between the trees (not scenic, kind of messy), and there have been times when my magnificent Wife and I would see three or four deer coming out at dusk and traveling down the tree line. Well, to make a long story a little shorter, when Hospice had brought in a bed for our living room and the automatic dispensation of morphine had begun ( the worst time of my entire life because she never was able to speak to me again....and I've come to hate the word NEVER), the nurses said for a few days that my wonderful person's life was about to end, and we thought it could be any time, but she seemed to be holding off for something.

Well, four days before we ended up losing her, there was one small deer directly behind our house. Every time we looked, the deer was there. One evening our Daughter said "is that the deer laying down out there?", and I looked and sure enough I could just see the top of her head above the weeds she was in. Our Daughter said, "maybe she's hurt", so I said I'll go see. i went out the back and got about 50 feet or so away from the deer, and she got up and just stood there. Didn't run, just looked at me. I came back in. The deer stayed there for four days, and then on Saturday afternoon at 2:29 PM my best friend took her last breath with me holding her hand and telling her I love her.

One of our Sons went out to take a picture of the deer while we were waiting for the love of my life to be taken to the funeral home. The deer wasn't there, and in the two and a half months since, there has never been another deer. To wrap up this story, and I won't even relate what I think this was a sign of, one of my Wife's favorite pasttimes in life was for us to get in the car at dusk and drive through the park, where we've seen as many as 82 deer in one evening. My 78th birthday is coming up on the 30th, and this Sunday the kids are getting together and building a sort of memorial area in our back yard around a flagpole I had installed when we moved here.

Anyway, on Saturday, one of the Daughter-In-Laws called me about 2:29 and asked me to come outside to see something. I went out and saw nothing, but then I looked up the street and there was she, one of the Sons, and a Grandson, wheeling a hardware cart from the hardware store about four blocks away, and it had a deer on it that they say weighs 400 pounds, and we're putting it down in the memorial area on Sunday so I'll be able to look out at it whenever I want. It looks so real-like that the neighbors were walking that evening and stopped to look because they thought it was a real deer. Story ended, sorry it took so long, but I just had to share it as my beliefs take a different direction than lots of folks, and I can only relate to my own experiences. My Wife left, believing we will be, as we always said, Together Forever.

Lots of love to all, regardless of individual beliefs, we're in this together.....Earl C

[Dimcl]

That's a lovely story, Earl.

Hugs.

Di

[kayc]

Ahh but you're wrong there...the brain is separate from the spirit...I learned that when my little sister had a baby born without a brain. She had just a nubbin, enough to control reflexes but with NO COGNITIVE ABILITY WHATSOEVER. She did not have the ability to know her parents or form a thought. But she COULD experience comfort vs. pain. We all learned so much through Courtney, and through what we experienced with her short little life (she died just before she turned two) and one of the amazing things I learned was that our spirit resides someplace other than our brain! She definitely had a sweet spirit all her own, we were blessed to know her. It is something I cannot explain, and sometimes the things most real are considered "intangible". How many people have died and been "brought back to life" and have shared their experiences with us, later on describing conversations they overheard while they were officially "dead"! This has happened enough that it lends credibility to their testimonies. Sometimes we can't explain away all that is in life. Why is it we only want to pay recognition to that which we understand and can explain? Is it because of our desire to be in control? Sometimes we have to learn there are things beyond our control, beyond our ability to explain, beyond even our understanding and experience. Sometimes there's faith.

[Dimcl]

Ahh but you're wrong there...the brain is separate from the spirit... Sometimes we can't explain away all that is in life. Why is it we only want to pay recognition to that which we understand and can explain? Is it because of our desire to be in control? Sometimes we have to learn there are things beyond our control, beyond our ability to explain, beyond even our understanding and experience. Sometimes there's faith.

kayc, I've tried very hard to express that I respect everyone's beliefs, notwithstanding my need for evidence. I don't believe that I've told anyone here, unlike you, that they're wrong in their beliefs. I could also explain, scientifically and medically, all of the theories you put forward. I just can't be bothered. I just find it ironic that a "believer" would throw the first hurtful stone and I'm sorry you felt the need.

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

I've been reluctant to step in here, but I think it needs to be stated explicitly what we all know to be true: this is not the place for a debate about religious beliefs ~ and up until now I have not read the posts in this thread to be anything of the sort. Questioning our spiritual beliefs is a normal and expected part of our grief journey, and there is nothing wrong with having a spirited discussion about that. Nevertheless, I must be sensitive to the fact that each and every message posted here is read through different sets of lenses, and each of us is vulnerable and raw as we struggle to cope with our own losses. When we begin to read each other's comments as personal affronts, that is where we get into trouble. Knowing both Kay C and Di as I've come to know both of you on this site, I think it's safe to say that neither of you intended to hurt or offend the other, and I'm sorry if that is how this exchange may feel to either of you. You're both important and valued members of our GH family, each of you is entitled to your own beliefs, and I hope you know that both of you are free to continue to express them here ~ along with everybody else.

[kayc]

kayc, I've tried very hard to express that I respect everyone's beliefs, notwithstanding my need for evidence. I don't believe that I've told anyone here, unlike you, that they're wrong in their beliefs. I could also explain, scientifically and medically, all of the theories you put forward. I just can't be bothered. I just find it ironic that a "believer" would throw the first hurtful stone and I'm sorry you felt the need.

I am sorry you felt I was "throwing a stone", that certainly wasn't my intent. I tried to state that (religion aside) this is my experience. I am not trying to change your beliefs, you're welcome to believe whatever you want, I was trying to say I didn't think it was incompatible to keep an open mind about what we don't know. I am very sorry I offended you, maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. But I know what I know is true about my little niece Courtney and I don't think scientific theory could tell me any different, after all, I held her, I looked in her eyes and could know, feel, and sense her spirit. Since she didn't have a brain with cognitive ability, she had no thoughts, so obviously what I meant (spirit) did not come from there. That can't be disputed. I will leave you with your beliefs and my sincerest apologies. I was only trying to help and comfort you, I'm sorry I missed the mark so badly. Your comment about how you could prove medically and scientifically (that I am wrong) seems you are saying the very thing you are upset with me for but I don't take offense in that in the least, I leave you to form your beliefs just as you leave me to form mine. Can we not agree to disagree about the subject without offense or either of us leaving? As I see it, we are part of a family here and both belong.

BTW, It is not my religious beliefs that spurred me to say what I did, not at all! It was purely my having been touched by little Courtney in my life. That is something that will always stay with me.

[just one more hug]

Earl...I loved your story. Can just picture the shopping cart full of the 400# deer...the anticipation of the trio pushing the cart toward you and how your heart must have skipped a beat when you saw them. Too sweet for words......You truly are lucky to have these special people in your life. Enjoy the view!!!! Carol PS...Thanks for unknowingly uplifting me this afternoon

[Spika]

Dimcl-

I understand how you feel. Although it isn’t a partner I have lost, I did lose my dad. I used to talk to him all the time. I shared more with him than I realized. He is gone, but I still have those things I want to talk to him about. And since he died, in Aug. 2011, so many bad things have happened. I wish I could tell him about all of it. I am sad that he only got to know me until I was 23, that I only got to know him until he was 49, that he won’t be there if I get married, if I have children, and that he won’t be there to care if I accomplish my dreams or do something that would have made him proud. He was a big part of my life and now he is just gone.