Dumped After 10 Years Together After His Mum Died - Now He Wants Anoth

[cosmicpixie]

As advised, have moved this to my own thread (still new to all of this, sorry!).

I was with my bf for almost 10 and a half years (I'm 29). We got engaged back in Feb on our 10 year anniversary. We booked the wedding etc. at the end of April for 2 years time.

Suddenly in May, his brother was rushed to hospital with severe chicken pox / pneumonia and had to be placed into a medically induced coma. The day after this happened, his mum died suddenly of a heart attack.

We managed to get through the 4 weeks after the funeral, but since she died he had been on a site called Open Diary (which is a blogging site, really) and a 19 year old girl had befriended him. She lived 2 hrs away. She came to see him, he came to see her so I let it carry on because I thought "well, if she is helping him through his grief..."

He started to get attracted to her and she him. She wrote him love letters, poems and would not back off even though he was engaged. He did not stop her as he valued her friendship and didn't want to lose it. We were drifting further apart as all he would be concerned about is her and her problems.

I got accused of creating the distance, and about 6 weeks after his mum's death he kept saying "I don't know if we'll make it, don't know if we should be together" etc. etc.

This was killing me - on top of knowing how attracted he was to this girl. In the end I snapped that he was spending more time worrying about her than me (I was stressed - had been a rock to him and hid dad through it all). After that argument we managed to claw it back (even though he said he was finishing with me).

In the end it went on a few more weeks as we had concerts tog o to, and he kep messaging and phoning her not understanding why it hurt me even though I told him so. One day in July he sent a text saying I never cared or loved him. Made me see red so I went home from work, packed a few things to stay at my mum's house for a few days to give him space. I snooped on his laptop as I was so worried something was going on and left my jewellery behind. These 2 reasons are what he gave when he broke up with me via text.

I can read his online blog and see that he so wants to be with this other girl so badly and that hurts so bad. I wish he had just been honest - I would have been devastated, but better that than be lied to.

Any advice would be appreciated on how to fully get over this - been 3 and a half weeks now so I am getting there. What hurts is how he tossed away 10 years aside of pure love and devotion from me to have....what? I am trying to think that his mum dying flicked a switch that made him look at me and see how close I was to her and how badly he didn't want to be reminded of what had happened. This other girl was not involved at all.

Any advice or words would be gladly welcomed at this time.

*** I'd like to add that in the 10 years or so we were together, he flirted with other girls and had online friends but I never felt threatened until this girl called Molly came on the scene.

[cosmicpixie]

*** I forgot to add to this - I was incredibly close to his mum so her death hit me like a ton of bricks. I took him back and forth to see his parents on a 2 hr drive every other weekend (as he moved to be with me). The same when she died so his dad wasn't alone - did all the cooking, cleaning, sorting out hospital visits to teh brotehr for them both. Chsoe her clothes for the coffin and a song for the service. Feel like its 2 x bereavements which is so strange.

[cosmicpixie]

This is the copied and pasted response from KAY C - not sure how else to move it:-

KayC

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10-July 05 Interests:I love stamping, hiking, nature, singing. I work as an Office Mgr./Bkpr. Posted Yesterday, 06:26 PM

Cosmicpixie,

It is the feelings of betrayal, the feelings of being lied to, that seem to be the hardest to deal with. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation...ten years is a very long time so your feelings are very understandable. I know he was foggy in his grief and slid into this relationship with the other girl, but the fact is, your relationship had a very weak spot...his lack of boundaries. He should have had adequate boundaries in place that guarded your relationship so this wouldn't happen. But he didn't. In my opinion, and please forgive me because I know you love him still, but in my opinion, he is undeserving of your love and devotion, for his should have equaled yours, he should have had deep appreciation for your being a solid rock to him. You are likely right in that his relationship with this other girl will be lacking...for one thing, it began as something illicit...she did not have the right to take up with him knowing he was committed to someone else...just as he did not have the right to break his vows to you. It will cause them problems in the future, but that is their's to deal with.

For you, your goal would be to get over him, to move on with your life, to put the pieces back together and create something wonderful of your life...right now that seems easier said than done, 3 1/2 weeks isn't very long although it probably seems like a lifetime already, it will take you much more time to get over him, but you will. Let your sense of indignation at what he did to you surface long enough to fuel your determination to create something positive for yourself through this experience.

Between now and the time you can reach that goal...please come here...vent, cry, get angry, heal, all of it, for all is needed. You may want to copy and paste your story into your own thread, one where we can come and respond to you...or better yet, have a moderator move it to a new thread all your own, that and my response, so we don't hijack this one, okay? Good luck to you, and lots of (((hugs)))!

[cosmicpixie]

struggling so much - started crying in work today.

Received a letter from his nan saying just look back at the good times and move forward.

I just so want some answers and they will never come :-(

[kayc]

Although the advice "look at the good times and move on" is sound, it is not an easy thing to implement and not valid for this present moment. Right now in this moment you are and need to be grieving the loss of your relationship. Good gosh, what are people thinking, this was ten years you spent with this man, since you were a child, do they think you can just forget him overnight?! It's going to take time. I was only engaged to Jim for a year and it's been another year since he broke up with me, and even so, I don't know that I can say I'm entirely over it, although I'm certainly better than I was. You WILL make it through this, I want you to believe and know that, and when the days and nights are at their darkest, remember that, it'll help see you through. Know that it won't always feel this level of intensity that it does right now. The betrayal you feel will be the hardest part to get through, but what will help you is focusing on yourself, not him.

What I learned that helped me was:

• Keep busy! I cleaned and cleaned my house, until I was exhausted!

• If you need help, get it...see a doctor, you may even need sleeping pills to help you sleep for a while until you're able to. (I commute so going without sleep could be dangerous)

• Do not cyber-stalk him. Remove him as a friend from Facebook, do not look up his blogs, etc. Go completely dark on him...do not let him know how you are or anything else about you. It will drive him nuts because he will be curious, but do not satisfy your own curiosity about him...it will only prolong your grief/healing.

Lest your friends be tempted to tell you tidbits about him, let them know up front that you do not want to know anything about him. This will help your healing process speed up.

• Put memorabilia and gifts out of sight. I you are unable to deal with getting rid of them altogether, at least box them up and stick them in the garage or storage or somewhere you don't have to be constantly reminded. Take down any pictures, clean them out of your wallet, etc.

• Change perfumes. Cook something he didn't like that you haven't had in a while. Enjoy doing things he didn't like doing, or anything you've put off because of him.

• Don't give in to the temptation to isolate yourself. Look up old friends, even some you haven't seen in a while. Make some new ones. Join a new activity or club. Volunteer. Take a course, get out around people and be involved in interesting things.

• Remove his phone number and email from your contact lists. Change your emergency contacts to someone else.

• Cry and cry some more...it won't last forever but it's good to let it out.

• Be very patient and understanding of yourself. You're going through a lot, be your own best friend, treat yourself well. Eat right, exercise, spend time around pets, it all helps contribute to a better frame of mind and when you're grieving, you need all of the help you can get!

• Learn that it's okay to do things alone. You don't have to be in a relationship, you're valuable just YOU, separate and apart from a relationship. Practice going to a movie alone, going out to eat alone, fixing yourself a great meal, just because YOU are worth it! This isn't a contradiction to spending time with others...do both.

Someday you will not feel one way or another about him...you will know then that you are over him...maybe not over what he did to you, but over HIM. What he did to you can have lasting consequences, cause you to be overly cautious about getting involved with someone else, cause you not to trust, to close yourself off, etc. Those things will have to be dealt with and might warrant the help of a counselor, but time enough for that...first things first, get through the grieving part first before even considering another relationship. It's never good to go directly from one relationship to another, it's best to give yourself time and space to get over the person, grieve your loss, figure out what you've learned from it, and are then ready to take the positive with you and ready to give more fully of yourself in the present. There are grief counselors too if you need help getting through this. Spend time around people who make you feel better about yourself and not worse. In other words, if you have a parent or sibling that is a negative in your life, now is not the time to immerse yourself around them...save that for a time when you are stronger inside.

[cosmicpixie]

Thank you so much for all of your kind words KayC - I appreciate them more than you will ever know. I just feel so glad to have found this site because the "typical" break up sites never seemed to quite cover what I am going through with the loss of his mum so recently.

I am very lucky in the fact that I was able to move back in with my mum and grandad. I have left my ex to deal with all the furniture we had collected in our old house. Luckily we were renting so he is moving back to his home town in a few weeks. It was all generic ikea furniture so I made the decision to save up for my own place and get fresh new furniture when I'm ready. No reminders of him and his shoddy bookcase building!

I am also lucky to have some wonderful girlfriends to have rallied around me, taking me out for meals, and just being there when I need to talk. My mum has also been the same. It does make you realise who is really there for you when the proverbial poop hits the fan, so to speak.

The downside of all of this (or plus) is that I haven't taken any time off work bar a few hrs when I got the text dumping me (at 8am when he knew I'd be in work - similar to your fed ex experience - why do they do it at these times??). I used most of my annual leave in the 4 weeks after his mum passed away, making sure he was in his home town as often as possible, just being there to wash, cook, iron etc. for his dad and take them to see his brother in critical care. I'm a nice person, so I wouldn't take that back, but it's going to be a long slog until the end of the year with no holidays apart from the Christmas bank holidays.

I have taken one step - when we split we were quite amicable (shock on my part - a belief it was naturally over until a few days later I was waking up and thinking....hang on a second....you don't just get rid of someone after 10 years for a quick peep on your laptop and leaving my engagement ring on the table!). I was going to help with his bills until he moved back home. Stuff that I though last week - and used the money to buy a pair of Jimmy Choos. I have never done something so frivolous in all my life. I know money cannoy buy happiness, and neither can material things. I think of these as my "strength" shoes. A rewards for what I can get through whenever I look at them. Silly I know.

I think the worst part in all of this is the betrayal I feel - how I could be unswaying in my love for him at such a difficult time and do all I can to make sure he was ok. He didn't want to talk about it so we didn't. He wanted to go online to pass time off work so I let him. I was just doing what I thought was best to help him get through this tragedy. It hurts that this one girl went after him, and he didn't put up those barriers you were talking about when he had done in the past. I thought I was being a caring fiance and letting him see his friends. I said to him "I am jealous, but I won't be a girl who tells you who you can and can't be friends with." I think whatever happened would have happened in the end, however I had played it. The fact that he started messaging and flirting with her barely weeks after we had booked our wedding venue was so hurtful I can't put it into words. I don't even think she was that special - right place and time perhaps? He seems to think that "fate is inexorable" and is taking that meaning as far as her. I just wond't understand how someone can do that to a person after 10 years - I can only presume his grief flipped a switch in his brain and he thought "I'll do whatever I want." :-( He ignored my feelings when I told him I was so jealous the way they talked - like they were cultivating a relationship. He fobbed off these concerns. He then had the gall to drag it out for these concerts we were going to making me feel crazy. So angry - though I suppose I can't be too angry at myself as I did voice my concerns and he chose to ignore them.

[kayc]

Cosmicpixie,

I am amazed that yet another guy was so insensitive as to break up with their fiance at work first thing in the morning! Are they total idiots?! Talk about breaching etiquette, even the most basic common sense would tell you not to do that! I had to stay and work there all day and face a 50 mile commute home at the end of the day! My coworkers responded by asking me to leave (I was crying, understandably) so I went for a long lunch with a friend but then I came back and worked the rest of the day.

What you feel echoes how I felt, but with you it had to be all the harder because of being together so much longer. Jim also started talking to an XGF before breaking up with me and it hurt me and he ignored my telling him how it made me feel (agreed with me but did it anyway). The betrayal is the worst. How they handled it was unacceptable. Death and grief are not good excuses. I did not get an explanation either. Nope, they're too chicken to level with us. Honestly, they aren't deserving of us and I suppose you could look at it like they did us a favor, although in a back-handed-slap kind of way. I feel like I got thrown overboard for Jim's roommate, Kelly (a guy), I don't understand that and since he won't be up front and honest with me, I am left to speculate and wonder but ultimately, none of it matters, in the end, WE are what matters, not whatever reasons they do or don't do things as they do.

Your buying the shoes was a way of telling yourself that YOU matter and an important and valuable part of your healing process. Yes, you DO matter, you have looked out for everyone else, now let your mom and GFs nurture YOU and this will be your year of healing and strengthening YOU!

[cosmicpixie]

I just don't understand what switch goes off in their head that makes them think "this woman I proposed to and want to spend my life with..............nope"

This is why I'm on here - trying to provide an answer for myself I guess. It surely has to be his mum dying that was the trigger as, to my knowledge and going but gut instinct, there was no issue pre- his mum dying and this girl being on the scene.

I had an e-mail come through for wedding stuff today and that got to me - obviously as I was a bride to be and had waited patiently until the biq question, as soon as we were engaged I signed up to every bridal list going. Foolish of me. Cancelling the wedding was awful - have never pushed for much or wanted much in my life - never rushed him to propose. I loved the planning and looking forward to that future - kids would be on the way after that :-(

With being told at 8am at work, I don't start until 9. However, my manager and other colleague who work with me were in late/not in so I had to go and bawl in the toilets and spill my guts to the IT guy. As we were short staffed, I managed to work until 1pm with the intention of going home, clearing as much stuff as I could, and going to my mum's. In the end I went home and sobbed all over the place before I could move. I don't know how you managed your commute - you are so lucky to have not had an accident! I live 20 mins from my work place so small graces really.

I also don't understand what this person has that I didn't? From what I can gather, my ex was a self harmer, and this 19 year old girl was too. He said it was like a female version of him at that age (I helped him stop). I think he saw himself in her and I wasn't messed up enough for him? His mum was also a nurse so perhaps he saw it as caring in that sense and carrying on what she would have done. In some ways, I guess I'm sort of excusing how he treated me - but this is how it goes in my head.

[kayc]

I don't see you as excusing him as much as trying to understand his reasoning. Unfortunately, we can't get in their heads and figure out answers that even they may not have figured out yet. It's not that "she" had something you didn't, it's not personal against or to you, even though it feels that way, it is about HIM and what's going on with him, and yes, if I had to guess, I'd say his mom's death was something of a catalyst, but what I've never figured out is WHY, but as you can see here, there's enough people that have gone through this that tells me this is a common grief response. I just don't get it either. I lost my HUSBAND, my dear sweet love of my life and I never pushed anyone away! Go figure. But some people do that. I only know it's not you and I also know you didn't deserve it. My greatest hope for you is that you get through this, heal, and meet someone more deserving of you and go on to have that life you'd wanted, kids and all! It will likely happen, you know. Give yourself time to heal, focus on YOU, and it will get better, little by little. Try not to worry about the rest of your life, but try to stay in the present and just be concerned about today for now, for that is enough for you to deal with right now. You see, YOU are grieving right now, all of your hopes and dreams, everything. When Jim broke up with me, it affected my belief in myself to even be a good judge of character, to make a decision...after all, I'd banked my life on him and look how that had ended! It takes a while after being shaken up like that to restore our belief in our own judgment. Just remember, they not only fooled us, but others as well, so it's not even about our judgment, it's about something going on with them that had nothing to do with us but affects us.

I know, I remember having to cancel the pastor, the honeymoon, everything. My wedding dress and shoes still sit unused in my closet. It was six months later that I sold his wedding ring (I gave him back all of his belongings but I'd bought his ring so I kept it)...the buyer received it on Valentine's Day for her husband, so I was glad someone got some use out of it that was more deserving of it. Someday I'll figure out what to do with the dress and shoes, for now I just don't want to look at them or deal with it. You're right, it hurts. I was the one that had to tell everyone that we'd broken up, I was the one going to church and everyone asking me, "Where's Jim?" and I'd have to tell them we're no longer together...I can't tell you how many times I erupted into tears or had to leave, it was hard. I got stuck with all of the hard stuff but it was his decision. I don't think I've ever completely forgiven him for all that. If I felt he owned responsibility for it or was sorry for what he'd done to me, it would help, but I don't see that from him. I see avoidance. I don't feel I can forgive him for leading me on all year (if he didn't then what was all the "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" about?). My religious views dictate I forgive him, and I know forgiveness is a process and I am trying, but it's one of the hardest things in the world...esp. when they aren't helping us out much with it. If they'd come to us and say, "Oh I am so sorry I hurt you" and EXPLAIN WTH was going through their heads, it might help, but that's not what we're getting...instead we're left to do all the hard work all by ourselves and it doesn't seem fair. They get off the hook and we get to deal with it. Make it pretty tough, doesn't it!

It'll get better, you'll see, it takes time, oh God how I hate that phrase but it's true and I don't know any replacement for it...just time.

[cosmicpixie]

Why don't we ever get a true explanation? - that's another aspect of this whole "reaction to grief" that I find so incredibly hard to believe and accept. I was with the guy for 10 years - did I not deserve a proper explanation and not a dumping by text. I do NOT buy his explanation for dumping me. I have never snooped on his laptop or in any of his private things before this girl. I spent 2 mins on his laptop and over-reacted about 1 things, stormed out and left the jewellery. It was my ONE blowout moment in our whole ten years and he thought "not worth trying" after that....doesn't ring true to me. Makes me feel like he was waiting on an excuse to get out of our relationship since his mum passed. In my opinion, if there is any chance that one person is the one for you - your soul mate - you do EVERYTHING to make it work. I felt the gap between us but if he came off his laptop for the 4 hrs a day or so he was on it and made an effort like I was trying, we COULD have got through it. I was willing to pay for counselling - anything - that desperate. I only wish he sat me down and said "I'm sorry that I can't be with you anymore. My feelings for this other girl got in the way - I shouldn't have let it and I'm sorry." Would have been hard but honest - by all the lies? Do they think that it makes it easier for us?

I'm so sorry that you still have the wedding dress and shoes - one day you will know what to do with these I'm sure. I'm lucky in a way that I never got my dress sorted as the wedding was booked for April 27th 2013. All those plans that suddenly go to pot. What a waste of feelings and emotions :-( It doesn't make any sense that they could so badly want that one minute and the next, when someone dies, go NOPE. I know if my mum died, I would have wanted my ex there by my side at all times. I would draw him closer and not push him away. Perhaps my ex associates me so closely with her death he cannot remove me....I drove him back home when we knew she collapsed; was in the hospital room when his dad told us they ahd lost her; went to see the body with him next door and told her she was so special to me.

I hope there is someone out there who can treat me right and I can get past this. I just feel a bit - well I'm 29 and was about ready to have kids with you - thanks a bunch mister!!! I feel a bit out of place as I was in a relationship when all my friends were single back at the start, and now the roles have reversed. I loved our routines and just being together - to be honest, that is what I miss the most. People can go on about sex and the like, but I miss our cuddles watching a movie and our routines. Looking back I did a lot for the guy and he was lazy - but you don't care when you love someone with all your heart. I worry that this will have a lasting impact - I'm an open, friendly, trusting person and so easy going. Now I wonder whether that will change?

He's off my facebook friends, my mobile, e-mail etc. I find it hard not to go on his online blog but I'm doing my best not to. I don't know whether I get some sick pleasure in knowing that this girl hasn't gone right for him as he seemingly thought she would do. I don't know if that even makes me more annoyed that nothing came to fruition? And to think he blamed my "trust issues" for not trying again....WHATEVER. Why did I have these trust issues suddenly appear after 10 years or so together?

I hate crying over him as I know he isn't worth it, but every day is such a struggle. I think "yeah, you're getting there" and WHAM....the proposal pops into my head; a holiday to Vegas; time with his family. Why can't they make a pill that stops these random thoughts :-) They are the worst part.

I don't know if you've read any of her stuff, but found a blog/bought a book by Susan Elliot which is helping at the moment. Quite motivational. Thanks again for all your advice and kind words - just typing this out there is helping in itself.

[cosmicpixie]

Just a random tip....

I don't know about anyone else, but when we split it wasn't just his ex I was going to miss. It's his whole family that I grew close to over the last decade. I was going to go and say goodbye in person, but as they were 2 hrs away by car and as things went on, it became too painful a thought. In the end, I wrote a letter to each individual thanking them for taking me into their family and just saying that I would miss them a great deal. It gave me a bit of "closure" over missing them. (With his nan even writing me back wishing me the best for the future). I even sent some flowers for his mum's grave with a goodbye for now sort of poem on it.

I have a feeling that this is something that affects women more than men, but that may be me being a bit sexist.

[kayc]

Makes me feel like he was waiting on an excuse to get out of our relationship since his mum passed.

I think you hit the nail on the head there...that's what I have surmised about Jim too. And you're right, we deserve better than a lousy text or Fed Ex delivery! It just goes to show they weren't deserving of us, we would never respond in this way to someone we love!

You didn't have trust issues...He had fidelity issues! Your intuition told you something was amiss and you were wise to listen to your own inner red flags. NONE of us "handle it right" when we discover infidelity... what WOULD "right" be anyway in that instance? We aren't robots, we have feelings and to know that someone has betrayed you this way, it's very hard to handle. He's lucky you didn't handle it a whole lot worse, JMHO.

It's funny how someone who does you wrong tries to turn the tables on you and somehow blame YOU for it! Don't buy into that, it only shows their character for what it truly is. You ignored the red flag of his laziness, thank God you didn't ignore the red flag of his infidelity. My advice...esteem yourself so high that you never settle for anyone who would value you for anything less than what you are, deserving of honesty, faithfulness, effort, devotion and utmost love. You're still young and you will meet and marry the right one and have children together...I know it feels like you got set back but actually, you've been liberated. It'll just take time for you to realize it, it's hard to see when you're in the throes of pain.

The memories will haunt you for a time but they will become more infrequent as time goes by. Don't think of crying in equation to his deservedness, for one has nothing to do with the other, but think of it rather as a purging of your soul...you are releasing the pain.

Unfortunately, heartbreak knows no gender, I think it hits men just as much as women...unfortunately there are a whole lot of us who have given our hearts to the wrong person...just a part of a learning experience, I guess. How can we know when they are untruthful?

I will read the blog...

[cosmicpixie]

I just wish it hadn't taken me 10 years to know that he was not deserving of my affection. It just makes you feel....stupid....stupid that I thought this was the man that I would marry and have kids with, and that he could never do wrong by me. That he said there were cracks there even though there were not - he put them there in the last few weeks.

A friend who reads his blog for me (lets me know if anything I really have to know) cheered me up last night - apparently he only just noticed that I swiped the dyson rollerball vaccuum for myself....3 weeks after clearing out the apartment. Apparently he went on a bit of a rant about it. I did leave him all of the furniture, TV, DVD etc. though!!!

That is so true what you said about how to handle infidelity....how are you supposed to go about it? I wish I could prove something physical happened between the 2 of them, but even if it didn't, the emotional infidelity was almost worse to me. I'm not entirely sure why that is...?

Thank you once again for your advice - I feel like today, being a friday before a bank holiday weekend, that I can maybe get through all of this. It's just getting over the missing him part and not having affection for him anymore. In that Susan Elliot blog she mentions how "splitting" is unhealthy for getting over a breakup...where you can't put the cruel person and the older affectionate person into the same person so you separate them in your head. I think that is what I do.Once I get over that part....I think it could be better. The 10 years thing keeps coming back to bite me though.....why did it take this long for him to show his true colours? Why did his mum dying cause it (he's already lost a grandparent and best friend).Why didn't I or anyone else SEE signs before hand? Too many whys and not enough answers :-(

How do you cope with speaking to Jim regularly? I honestly don't think I could do it. I wish I could have Chris as a friend as I miss that aspect of him, but I hate who he has become.

[kayc]

It may have taken him ten years to show his colors because he is young and still becoming who he is...and don't look at it like you wasted those years, at least you hadn't married him and had kids with him first, that would have been harder for you, then you'd be dealing with him for the rest of your life! And if he can go on about a vacuum when he got all of the furniture, tv, etc. can you imagine how fun it'd be to try and collect child support regularly from him?

Most people do not choose to talk to exes, it's not usually recommended, I think our situation is different because I have accepted he is who he is and he has other issues and it has nothing to do with me personally, he likes me, he thinks I'm cute, etc. but HE is not the person who can be with me. And I do not believe for one second that the grieving caused the separation, but I feel deep down inside of myself that it made it so that he could no longer pretend or put off and he couldn't cope anymore, so he let me go. I think it would have come to a head anyway. And just because he didn't show those cracks before doesn't mean they weren't there. He did a good job of pretending because he WANTED his world to be with me, but he couldn't go through with it. That's my take on it. I can't fault him for being so messed up, the only thing I do fault him for is for how he handled it and for not being honest with me! For that I hold him accountable and have a hard time forgiving him. And I have not received acknowledgement of and apology for it and it won't likely be forthcoming after all this time. The only reason I even speak to him is I feel (in light of what I know now) that we only should have been friends to start with, and so I backed up and "started over", the wall is closed on the love/intimacy I felt with him when we were together, the hopes and dreams he gave me, and instead all I have is this superficial friendship with a man whose company I enjoy and whose sense of humor I love. There is no depth to the relationship any more. I don't kid myself that he'd ever be there for me or ever come through on anything. He's already shown me he is not someone I can count on. By the same token, I don't have the same level of caring that I once did either. I doubt that most people could have their relationship altered to this extent and move on in it...and I wouldn't recommend it because most people wouldn't be able to. At any rate, it's important to have that "dark period" to emotionally heal and get over them, to adjust in your life, and we also had that period of time of not seeing or speaking to each other.

I know what you mean about "splitting" the person. It takes a while to reconcile the whole of the person, esp. when there were parts to them that you didn't know about. I think this is true to some extent for most people, but certainly not to the extent you've had to witness.

Emotional affairs can be harder to process because they involve letting that outsider in to that most intimate sacred spot that should only be reserved for YOU! With physical affairs, we can tell ourselves, it was nothing more than a physical response and when we understand how men are wired and how visual they are...it hurts but with an emotional affair, they really LET it happen through pure negligence and it was a spot only reserved for you, it just plain hurts, that's all. Of course most do not STAY an emotional affair, most go on to become physical and we don't always learn the truth. It doesn't matter in the end, emotional or physical, they broke something they should not have broken and you can't go back in time and hit an undo button. Affairs carry with them lasting consequences, it permanently changes the structure of the relationship, whether it was salvaged or not, it will never be the same again. Trust will always be affected. Even with those relationships that are saved after the discovery of an affair, they have to put into place all kinds of boundaries to protect the relationship and reassure the injured party of continued fidelity. What is lost is the naive trust they probably shouldn't have had to start with...boundaries are much more tangible and foolproof.

Please try not to be so hard on yourself...if others, non-biased and objective, did not see this coming, how could you expect yourself to? Some people are just good at fooling us, playing us, pretending. They may not have set out to, but the truth is that at some point they lied to us and didn't give us the knowledge we needed to make a good decision for ourselves based on the facts.

[ilosthim]

It's amazing how our stories are simular, just I wasn't with my ex for 10 years, but knew him that long.

When he lost his grandfather (father figure), I saw the change in him and passed it off for his grieving. He lost interest in me, stopped wanted to go out as often, but in reality, that is how it was before he lost his grandfather. I was just oblivious to the whole situation. He treated me like crap, unless he wanted something sexual. But the worst thing is I let him treat me that way! Oh and then when we broke up he admitted he walked all over me and I said, "If you loved me then why did you do so?" Never got an answer, never did and never will, but the way he reacted to this "fight" we had before we broke up was childish and he ran to his Mummy and Grandmother to protect him. Instead of manning up he had them do the dirty work, and they made excuses for him saying he needed time to grieve. Okay, I understand that, and its completely okay with me, but why push me away? I only wanted to be supportive, helpful, and loving. I drove two hours, from school, to be with him. I did everything for him, helped his family out, supported him, and what did I get in return? A break up text.

In the end, I was woken up by his childish acts of talking to his ex (whom he still had feelings for), keeping naked pictures of her on his phone and email, and treating me like crap. I DO NOT diserve such treatment, I was a good girlfriend. Buying him things to keep his mind busy, making him dinner, going out of my way to do things for him and his family. In the end, it sucks. My birthday was a few weeks ago and I never got a Happy Birthday wish from him when I dropped everything to be with him on his birthday, during midterms! I even got him a playstation 3 when money was tight. I just don't understand.

The happy ending to the story was ruined, BUT I made my own happy ending by figuring out he is not what I deserve. I have moved on, got a new job, going back to school, and finding new friends. I cried, A LOT, I yelled and screamed, A LOT, but I got through it, but it will take a while for me to be completely over it. I don't miss him, I miss the thought of a happy ending. I now met someone and we are taking it slow and having made a commitment. We agreed not to see other people, but he understands how important it is to me to take things slow. He is sweet, caring, and actually treats me good! It was silly and ironic how I stubbled across him, but I did. And he actually listens to what I have to say and doesn't make me feel like my breath is wasted on him.

The fact of the matter is you can make it hun, we all can. Even though its tough, and sucks, we can do it. It takes time, tears, sweat, and frustration, but it will happen. We are all here to listen, and help talk. Even though we can not give you answers, we can help talk about them and let you know you are not alone. Best wishes, and keep on posting. Hugs!

[kayc]

Sometimes the better we treat them, the worse they treat us because they view us as being needy. In reality we need to find someone who is not into the game playing and will treat us as good as we treat them. We are not needy, we are just loving and deserve someone who sees that.

[haveFAITH]

Reading this thread has been really nice for me. Not only am I learning from it to apply to what is going on in my situation now, but it can help me with anything I may go through in the future. Thank you! And please continue keeping us posted. I will be checking out that book!!

[cosmicpixie]

Just wanted to come back on here and update you guys after all of your words helped me so much. It reached a point at the end of August where I cried and acouldn't stop...something inside me snapped and I said to myself "why are you wasting so much energy on someone who made you feel this bad?" I had given him the power and from that moment I started to take it back.

I went on some "friend-making" sites and forced myself on a date with a nice guy just to get myself out of the wallowing and I had a great time. Nothing serious at all. Randomly a guy messaged me on this site as well thinking I was someone else. Turns out he thought I was someone he worked with and only lives a few towns away. We texted back and forth over two weeks and we had such similar interests it was uncanny. We met up once, got on really well, then went out a few more times.

At this point I was starting to get a bit confused as my head was like "you just had a bad break up...you shouldn't be doing this." But this guy treated me better on the dates than my ex ever had in ten years. How sad is that. 4 dates in and nothing had happened bar some hugs. Turns out we both liked one another a lot but he was holding back from being more affectionate and didn't want to hurt me/lead me on after what I'd been through. He told me he'd had a tough time and wanted to sort out his issues. When he does there are no other girls and I'll apparently be the first to know. We've been out since and become such good friends. He's made me laugh again and have fun. He's polite and thoughtful and looks after me when we meet up.

I guess I just want to say - you never know what life will throw at you. I can honestly say the ex is pretty much out of my head now....why in such a short space of time? I'm thinking because the hurt was so much after ten years, and I let myself feel it all, there was just nothing more to feel. I hope that doesn't make me seem like a robot. I'm in a better place now - so many possibilities, a major crush (typical girl I am...), and no more feeling second best in a relationship. Do what feels right, take care of yourselves, and the rest will follow.

[kayc]

I'm glad to hear of your update! That is exactly what happened with me and Jim too, I just remember his hurting me the one last time and my crying all the way home in the car (50 miles) and then determining I'd never cry over him again or give him the power to hurt me again, and I haven't. I haven't dated since him, I am totally not interested, but that's a personal decision, I've just had enough, I will see people as friends only, but I am not wanting a relationship where someone can have the power to hurt me again.

It sounds like you've made a good friend, and that's wonderful! I hope it continues and you can both enjoy each other, whether it goes in any other direction or not, friends are wonderful.