Don't Know How To Move Forward

[Kathey]

I am new to the HOV forum, but after reading some of the posts, I felt safe in sharing what I'm going through. My husband passed away on April 15, 2011. We found out in mid-March that he had 7 brain tumors (3 the size of an egg yoke) and he was filled with cancer. It appears that he had stage 4 small cell lung cancer that had metastasized to the brain and all over his body. He died just 4 weeks later. We were devestated and my whole world has been turned upside down. What makes it worse is that his former wife and the mother of my 3 step-children died just 1 1/2 weeks before my husband so our kids are just in shock and deep grieving themselves so I don't feel I can lean on them. I am so depressed and don't know how to move forward. We were together for 25 wonderful years and I'm so blessed to have had this man in my life! He was definitely a gift from God. I've lost both of my parents and my sister, as well as my husbands parents and brother. But I have never felt such raw emotion as I am experiencing right now. I've lost all of his income and had to take in a roommate to make ends meet. I work in full-time ministry in addition to a part-time job and taken over my husbands property management business.

What I find most difficult, though, is that no one wants to hear about Ross for fear of "making me sad". Some people at work have even commented that I just "need to get over it and move on". How insensitive is that!!!!!! I am trying to find a support group to join to help me in dealing with this awful grieving. I would love to hear from others who have lost a spouse and things that have helped you in moving on with life. I'd be so grateful! I feel very alone in this, yet I know I'm really not. My one saving grace is that I do have a very strong faith and God-willing, I will one day be reunited with my husband. But right now, I miss him horrible! Any suggestions or words of wisdom?

Thanks for listening!

Kathey

[Raindrop]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I've never been married, I'm over 35 years old, and my mother died over two years ago; she was my best friend.

People in my family refuse to be there for me, and one was emotionally abusive, for up to a year and a half to 2 years after my Mom's passing.

I've had well meaning people, like people at one church I went to, make judgmental and insensitive comments when I informed them of my loss, and that I was struggling to deal with it.

I've had to get through her death all by myself.

The bottom line is, we really don't have a choice but to move forward.

You give yourself time to mourn and cry, but after so much time, you have to make a decision to move on.

It's either force yourself to pick up the pieces and continue with life, or remain stuck in the pain - and that's no way to live.

If you find yourself depressed for months on end, you might wish to consider seeing a psychiatrist, explain your situation to him/her and request to give anti depressant medication a try.

You mentioned that you have step kids?

I don't know what their ages are, but if you have ANYONE who can look after them for a few weeks or months while you just sit around and grieve, I would definitely try that.

I don't know how you're going to heal and process the death if you're also running around acting as parent to kids.

Unless these kids are old enough to fix meals for themselves, do their own laundry, etc?

[Cheryl]

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. I live in PHX and there is a sopport group that meets in Tempe that you might want to check out. They meet every tuesday night. You will find info at www.meetup.com/Widowed-To-Widowed-Support-Group. This is a very active group in that they meet weekly, offer phone support and occasionally get together for dinner. Everyone there understands the loss of s spouse and there is so much strength in numbers. I try to attend at tleast twice a month and it really helps! Hang in there. Cheryl

[Lainey]

Dear Kathey,

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, and your childrens loss of both parents within such a short time.Lean on the children and they will lean back so you can heal together as a family unit. They neeed you as much as you need them.

You've come to a great group of people that are willing to listen to what you have to say as well as give advice.Many times even just reading the posts gave me the hope that one day things will get better, and slowly they are.

I lost my husaband to bladder cancer that spread to other parts on Dec.11,2009.There are still many times that I need guidance for my feelings.

Going to group therapy also helped me, as well as one on one therapy. I think we open up much more with just one person there.

I hope some of this helps.Please write whenever and whatever you need to.

Lainey

[Earl C]

Dear Kathey: Yes, you have come to the right place. I know these people well in a very short time. I don't have the "children" situation you have because we have 7 (all grown with families of their own), but lost one (48 years old) on 2/2/2009. At that time I had my wonderful Wife to share that grief with. Losing one of your children is what I term a parent's nightmare, and between the two of us together (of course with other family sharing too, but that one person you spend every day, every night with is the one you can share everything in your life with. Well, now I've lost that magnificent person. Sort of like you, we were told on May 6th that this remarkable 76 year old woman had stage 4 lung cancer and, even though we tried radiation, she was gone on June 4th, not even time for me to wrap my head around what was happening because I was so busy trying to ease her pain, make her better. I should have known that she was not going to get better, but our faith was so strong that I believed we would have a miracle. In a way, we sort of did, because she had been my caregiver for almost a year, and my blood counts were so low that the kids were telling each other they'd better get out to see me as much as possible.

Well, when my beautiful Wife got sick, the good Lord pumped strength and energy into me and allowed me to take care of her while we still had her with us. So, I do know how much pain you're in, it's been 3 months, 18 days for me and I still cry every day, one of those tough ex-Marines who didn't get wrapped up in emotions much, but now I've lost my best friend, and I know you've lost yours too. Everyone on this forum has their own story that would make us all cry for them. And, we are so sorry to hear about what happened to you.

You mentioned that you will one day rejoin Ross, and I'm proud to say (I'm sure Dwayne will give us some great word along this line) that I too just know that when my Lord and personal Savior calls me from this world, I will be by my partner's side again. We have something in common, then, because that faith WILL help you get through these hard times.

I'm so sorry that anyone would tell you that you "need to get over it and move on with your life". No one has that right, and I will tell you that you need to grieve in any way you find necessary. People on this site will never tell you anything like moving on, you will have your own time table, and what I find most difficult about this is those kids. I hope that, since you were together for 25 years, and he had those kids before the two of you got together, that they are all of good age to grieve on their own, maybe some with their own spouse. At any rate, I do believe that they can be of some comfort to you and you to them. It sounds like you have a good relationship with them, and I think you can all help each other. Cheryl and Lainey had some great words for (as always), and I do hope that you'll stay with us, don't try to do this all alone, it's just too hard. What I like about this is that I can send a message or respond to a message at any time. If' I can't sleep, and I want to 'talk' to someone at 2 AM, I can do that here. No one will ever judge you here, you vent all you want. In my case, it helps.

You stay as well as possible, and let's all get through this unwanted part of life together ... until we meet our partner again.

Love and prayers to all...Earl C

[nats]

Kathey,

Yes you have found a safe haven to share all your feelings and emotions, everyone one of us here "gets it" unlike the people who have never lost a Spouse, Partner, or Significant Other...our worlds have been turned upside down in a pool of tears and at times we feel as if we are drowning as it takes our breath away...you will find many answers here let God and your heart guide you...I am approaching 20 months since my wife joined God, I will tell you that life does change for the better as we heal, but we never forget them...try and focus on the positive memories and good times you had and the journey will be less painful...we all are here for you just ask...may God Be With You ♥ ...

NATS

[Stacyines]

I couldn't give you much words of wisdom, but those children need you. You're the closest thing to a parent they have. When you loose somebody close to you, it leaves a painful non visible scar. I think if you all reunited and vent out to each other, it'll bring you closer together. My mother and I could barely speak to each other and would constantly bicker. My boyfriend even disliked her for her improper choice of words. But when he passed away, she was there when I needed her the most. She was my support.

I wish you the best.

[mkenwater]

Greetings Kathey. Cheryl hit the nail on the head. I lost my wife on 3June of this year and the greatest strenght I have found in dealing with the loss and grief, is the Widow-to-Widow Support Group that meets in Tempe every Tuesday night. I live in Gold Canyon, but don't mind the 30 minute drive because it is a group where you will find the strength and commonality amongst the members. It is so unfair that our loved ones are taken from us at such an early age, thus leaving us fruitless. However, we have to live in the present and must go on in order to full-fill our mission that God has planned for us. Take care and hope to meet you at one of the meetings.

[MartyT]

For those members who live in the Valley, please know that (in addition to these online Grief Healing Discussion Groups) Hospice of the Valley offers many in-person adult grief support groups led by professional grief counselors twice a month Valleywide (and a pet loss support group that meets once a month). Like these forums, they are open to the community regardless of whether the person who died was on hospice services. Registration is not required. In addition, the New Song Center for Grieving Children, a program of Hospice of the Valley, offers ongoing grief support groups for children, teens, young adults and adults who are grieving the death of someone they love. HOV also offers special remembrances and short-term groups to address loss in relation to holidays and specific types of loss, such as the death of a spouse or a mother. Click on the links or contact our Bereavement Office, 602-530-6970, for further information. ♥

[bea2011]

hello kathy, i`m sorry for your loss. i lost my husband in june. i know a little bit about how it feels when family and some friends are not supportive. i know they don`t understand and have many problems of their own. some of thier problems we wouldn`t understand or know the depth to which thier problems affect them. i am wondering around trying to find were i can get support for what i need also. this site is a very good place to start.also hospitals and va, hospice are good places to try.it is so important that you share your feelings. i will keep you in my prayers. sharon