Nineteen Months Today.

[Suzanne R.]

It's been nineteen months today that he passed away and I still haven't wrapped my head around my new life without him. I don't think I ever will. I don't want a new "normal." I don't want to move forward. I don't care if I have this sad, empty, lonely feeling for the rest of my life. He's gone, so there's nothing to be happy about. I always feel especially low on the 22nd of every month so I just needed to share what's on my mind.

God bless,

Suzanne

[mfh]

Dear Suzanne,

As I approach 17 months this week and yesterday as I remembered our wedding anniversary on the 22nd (we exchanged cards and went out to dinner every single month on the 22nd) my heart also reaches out to you as you honor the 19th month of your husband's death. I understand the desire to grieve forever...we all will grieve forever. I also understand your not wanting a new normal...I want my old one back but I do know it is gone forever and I must fill my days with something meaningful or go nuts. I took up watercolor and find it quieting and healing though I am a pure amateur learning only the basic techniques at this time. As for having nothing to be happy about, I totally get that. I find it helpful in the evenings when I am most lonely...to add to a growing list of happy memories and things Bill did to make my life so lovely, look at photos of happy times, read his cards and poems...and yes...cry. I don't do this every evening but when I need to that habit is now in place. I do hope you find anything that will help ease your pain. Believe me, I understand the loss... Bill was my soulmate, best friend and companion, work partner, exercise partner, and so much more. I believe he is here with me in a way I can not comprehend and that I will see him again when it is time for me to cross over. I hope you can find something to bring you just an instant of peace each day...a happy memory perhaps. I am always aware of my loss...it is forever in my heart and head no matter what I am doing...Bill was a part of me and part of me is now gone. I am forever changed but I also need to distract myself with painting, my dog, my work so I don't lose my mind. mfh

[kayc]

It seems to me that I've done nothing right since George died. In the end, all I've learned is that he is irreplaceable and my life is not and never will be the same without him and he was such an amazing man and the love of my life. I tried rebuilding my life and all I succeeded in doing was making a shambles of it...that it works for some is great, for me it did not. I hated being alone, so lonely, so scared, feeling so abandoned...but what I learned in the end is that it's okay to be alone and I will never be truly abandoned for George's love lives on inside of me and there never was a greater love than his...not for me anyway. I have learned that I look forward to the day we can be together again but in the meanwhile my life isn't just on hold, it exists, just in different form. There will be good times again (maybe grandchildren someday?) and there has been a lot of bad times (heartbreak, job losses, financial devastation, physical infirmities) and I've had to learn to go it alone. But I've also learned to reach out for help, something that's always been very hard for me (I'm an independent old cuss). I've learned there's different phases in life and it doesn't remain constant...we lose those we love, we lose our jobs, our physical abilities, our bodies, our money, and our minds. But the one thing we DON'T lose is the love we've shared whether death occurs or not. When you've had true love, it doesn't die, and that sustains me. I can still talk to George, whether he hears me or not. I still count on his love and it soothes me and brings me comfort in this crazy world where it seems there's nothing to count on. And I feel so blessed to have had him in my life. With him I know there is no judgment, only understanding, encouragement, and love.

[Queeniemary]

Suzanne, it was 19 months for me on the 13th, every month on that date it is hard. Like you, I don't like the new "normal", but we really don't have much choice. Miss him so much. Hugs and thoughts with you.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Dear Mary and Kay,

Like you, I will miss Bill forever. I am a changed person...never to be the same person as I was before Bill died. However, like you, I have his deep love for me, joyous memories, his poems, and the impact he had on my life. I talk to him every day. We have to accept this thing called the "new normal" but we do not have to like it. Bill is/was unconditional love....how many are that lucky to have someone love them unconditionally? I am blessed and yes, I am sad. Mary

[Suzanne R.]

Hi mfh,

Thank you for your understanding, kind words and support. It's not that I want to grieve for the rest of my life. But I just know that I have to live with it and since I would prefer not to accept that he is gone, I need to at least accept living with the grief that accompanies the sadness. I believe it's not in my control. Now I know why some believe that this life is hell. (I don't believe it, but I understand why some do.) I don't remember if I said this before, but I am sorry for your loss as well.

God bless,

Suzanne

Dear kayc,

You have expressed your feelings and thoughts beautifully and eloquently because I believe you wrote them from your heart. I agree with all that you said. Thank you for reminding me of the love my own husband gave me.

God bless,

Suzanne

Dear Mary,

It is clear that we don't have a choice in this. Thank you so much for your reply. I am sorry for your loss. Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

[mfh]

Dear Suzanne,

I do believe that life is a tough classroom....daily tests but also it is a joyous trip that we have all shared with a special person. I will grieve the loss of Bill forever...it is easier now but forever I will miss him and grieve this loss. That has to be ok...not fun but ok. I also am attempting to create a meaningful existence until I join him. Thank you for your expression of sympathy to me. It is a lonely night and I appreciate it. Some nights are worse than others and vice versa. Peace Mary

[Chrissie]

Suzanne, it will be 19 months for me on the 31st. Someone told me to stop counting & be thankful for what God has given me during this time, but how do you not mourn the day you lost the love of your life? I have been able to get my life back to somewhat "normal" and I am thankful for that, but I will always miss Tim, & the 31st will always be a hard and sad day in my life and that's ok. Hugs

Chris

[Queeniemary]

I agree Chris, how can you not count. I was clicking on the calendar on my computer to see how many Friday the 13th I had gone through since he died. Discovered quite by accident that it has been 84 weeks since Jan 13, 2010. At least I am not counting weeks now, just months. In the beginning I did count weeks.

The 13th is always that anniversary date for me, I don't try to remember it, I cannot stop myself from remembering it! I, too, am somewhat "normal" whatever that is, but every 13th my heart is very heavy. I do remember the good memories, but I cannot forget the day that took him away.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas