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Is My Girlfriend Gonna Leave Me Because Her Mom Died?


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First off... I'm so glad I found this site but I guess we'll see what it brings me.

Me and my girlfriend started talking about half a year ago and she seemed fine. Her mom died in October (2010) and she brought me so much joy. Only recently did she start being angry and snap at me. She told me she hadn't cried a whole lot and from what I saw she was doing fine. I think once we fell in love and she realized that she could 'feel' again... the sorrow started to take toll. I'm usually one with words and I feel like I can heal the world but ever since she came in my life... it's like there's nothing I can say. It's almost like I have to wait and see if she's gonna have a good day... to see if I'm gonna be in a good mood. I love this girl... and although I get impatient and feel like giving up, I couldn't. I'm in love.

I really don't know why I joined this Group but any of your words will be helpful. I don't know what to do. When it's gonna stop? I don't know. For the first time in my life... I don't have the answers....

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First off... I'm so glad I found this site also, it has already brought me to you.

I lost my mother in April of 2010 and I'm not doing well. I was the executor of the will (which had nothing), I also became the guardian of my disabled brother, while caring for his father that is also disabled. I was burdened with a lot of things real quickly, but I think the same applies to your girlfriend as it does to me.

We need time to mourn the loss of our mother. I know I have been so busy worrying and caring for others that I haven't stopped long enough to miss her and cry because I miss her and be mad that she is gone. Others in my life have moved on real quickly or they are closet criers, and even that makes me angry and sad. I am angry all the time and very stressed. I want to remember and rejoice in my mother while it seems that everyone else just wants to forget and move on. I'm crying now because someone talks about their mother. I just want some time to miss her and remember her.

Most of all, I like when people talk about her or remember the love that she provided. When people die they just shouldn't go away and be forgotten and put on the shelf. Especially when it is your best friend and closet confidente, someone who has made such an impact on your life.

Not sure I helped but I know that you have helped me. I'm not alone in my struggles a year later.. Thank you.

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RE: "Is My Girlfriend Gonna Leave Me Because Her Mom Died?"

Nobody here can answer that; we don't know. :)

You said,

it's like there's nothing I can say
That's because there is nothing you can say to "make it better."

Too often, well meaning family and friends approach the grieving person as though their grief is something that needs to be fixed or eradicated.

Grief is something that has to be worked through, it cannot be cured, avoided, fixed, or rushed.

For many people who have lost a loved one, the first two years are the hardest.

If you try to "fix" her grief, you may unintentionally slow the healing process down for her, by creating more obstacles for her to overcome.

Sometimes, in a clumsy attempt to "help" the grieving person, the friend or family member will give unsolicited advice, (such as recommend that the person get out of the house more,get a job, or volunteer at homeless shelters.)

All of that can hurt the person; it's best to resist the temptation to give them advice.

If you truly feel your grieving girlfriend will feel better if she gets out of the house more often, instead of bluntly telling her that, come up to her and say something like,

"Hey, I'd like to take you to the movies today," (or suggest whatever activity she likes to do that will get her out of the house).

-You just invite her out; just do it.

Do not make comments such as,

"You are moping around too much, you need to get out," or, "You'd feel better if you'd just go out more."

-All of that is judgmental, and again, it's giving advice.

Hurting, grieving people do not want or need advice, judgement, tips, or pointers, or made to feel that their way of handling the loss is wrong.

The best thing you can do for a grieving person is listen to her talk about her feelings, her deceased loved one, for however long she wants to - and do not interrupt, just listen.

And while she's talking to you about the loss of her mother, resist the urge to give advice, platitudes, or tell her what you think she "should" or "ought" to feel.

The only kind of comments that are safe and helpful to interject as you're listening to her are EMPATHETIC ones, such as, "I can only imagine how painful that was," or "I'm sorry you're hurting," "I know it must be hard for your Mom to be gone."

You can admit to her,

"I want to comfort you, but I don't know how, but I will be happy to listen to you any time you want to talk about your Mom."

Be aware that not all grieving people want to talk about their loss, however - but I think most do.

If she does not want to discuss her mother's death or its impact on her, I am sure she will let you know that.

There are many online articles that have excellent advice you can follow such as-

Supporting a Grieving Person

What not to say to a grieving person

How to Help a Grieving Friend

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Very good response. The only thing I'd add is, instead of saying "I'd like to take you to the movies" maybe voice it as a question "Would you like to go to the movies with me?" in so doing you show respect for her choices/decisions. One of the things that happens to someone who loses a loved one is they feel their sense of power has been taken from them (no one asked them if they wanted to lose their loved one, it just happened) so anything they can do to restore that power is good. Their opinions need respected, any choices they make, etc.

I hadn't seen the title to this before, but it's true, we can't predict what will happen, probably even she doesn't know, but not everyone breaks up their relationship when their parent dies, yet it does sometimes happen. Just be respectful and avail yourself to her and we'll see what happens.

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That is a good response, and while I do believe it's important to respect the person's choice...

Well, even before my mother died, I had clinical depression.

I did not want to go out anywhere.

Anytime my (now ex) fiance would ask "Do you want to go out?," I would always say "No."

When he was more insistent about it, or made it sound like it would be all kinds of fun, I would only then decide, "well okay, I'll give it a try," and sure enough, getting out did me some good.

If it had been solely left up to me, I would've spent 100% of my time in bed with the sheets pulled up over my head.

I'm afraid if the original poster's ("Word Are Me's") girlfriend is like I was, her choice will always, always be to stay at home and never, ever get out at all.

I do think there is a time and place to gently push someone into living life again, but it might depend on other factors, like how long she's been grieving, etc.

I think you have to take it on a case by case basis. You obviously would not want to push someone (who is grieving) too hard too quick, for example.

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